Never thought I would post here!

[Completely 3]

Well I'm not going to blame either the USC or the non-USC because I feel it's ridiculous to categorise them into those two groups and then try to decide which one is at fault more often.

I'm a non-USC and do not like the thought of being shoved in the same category as people that are desperate to leave their former country/life behind, people that are trying to get into the US, people that rush into marriage, people that don't work at the marriage, anything like that.

I love my life in my home country, I have great job opportunities and can be financially secure in the UK and live a high quality of life. I did not rush into a relationship or an engagement to a USC. We've been doing this for almost 6 years because we wanted to do everything correctly, make sure we knew each other as well as we could, make sure we wanted marriage. We've had our fair share of problems, as relationships do, and we've battled them because we want to make it work. We would never dream of ending it because of the first sign of trouble.

I agree that usually when the marriage ends, the Americans wonder "was it fraud?" and I personally believe that if that question has to be asked, you can't have been that secure in knowing each other and the relationship. Even if my marriage were to end, I'm 100% aware that we both entered it with good intentions. I don't know why so many USC's are quick to jump on the "DUPED" bandwagon, especially seeing as so many non-USC's clearly have a different side to the story.

INDIVIDUALS are at fault, not groups of Americans and non-Americans. It's easy to say that Americans don't want the trouble and cost of a long distance relationship so they rush into marriage, or that non-Americans want to flee their former lives for a chance at the 'almighty America' so they rush into marriage, but I don't believe in generalising either way.

I strongly agree with Gemmie. It is sad to think that when relationship failed the USC think it is fraud or being duped by the other.

I am not the petitioner either but I can find a better life as well in other countries not only in United States, just coincidence that my husband is USC.

We are not living in the US but we are having a great life overseas.

Edited November 24, 2008 by Completely

[*JG* 2]

If immigrants rush into marriage and it doesn't work out, the USC was automatically duped. I guess my question is......why did the USC rush into marriage as well? That's why I'm interested to hear the progression of the relationship and subsequent deterioration. Is he really the greatest con man of all time, or were they both just caught up?

Let me state this very carefuly, the following applies to SOME, NOT ALL!

SOME USCs rush in because they feel they have found love...They live in the states where perhaps the attention they recieve is limited, or from men they don't consider attractive.

Now, here is a hard bodied, good-looking Nubian prince telling you he loves you at 350 lbs/resembling Shrek/with your 6 kids/drama issues/etc. Or whatever else the case may be.

They go to Jamaica and meet some who is telling them everything they ever wanted to hear from a man and is a master of the craft of telling them sweet nothings.

Why would they wait????

Here's someone telling you at 30 years of age he's never met anyone worthy of marrying, and now along comes his soulmate and he wants to get married RIGHT away, he doesn't want to be separated any longer from his queen.

Oh, btw, he doesn't REALLY want to leave Jamaica, but he'll do it for you.

The process is expensive yes, but so are all these trips down to 'make sure' this is for real. Trip consisting of course of a few days in a fantasy tropical paradise. Some USCs will loudly proclaim how they 'roughed' it in his house....

I'm sorry....that happens and I know it happens all the time. I really do get tired of hearing how this is the only reason for every single JA/US or UK or Canadian relationship and/or marriage ending. There are so many reasons why. I refuse to perpetuate the myth.

[nycgirl 13]

I am not blaming the USC OR the non-USC, nor am I lumping everyone into one category or the other. I know that every relationship is different. I'm just making the point that if the couple are getting married so quickly means that they BOTH rushed.

And with regards to a RED FLAG thread, I get it. Not a great idea.............. IF people were to follow it as gospel. But I don't think that they would......and certainly wouldn't end a marriage because of some comments on a web forum. Anyway, enough negative feedback. I get it. But I have to say......I've seen people on this website, as well as another, that were/are REALLLLLLLLLY naive.

[Jonesie 1]

And with regards to a RED FLAG thread, I get it. Not a great idea.............. IF people were to follow it as gospel. But I don't think that they would......and certainly wouldn't end a marriage because of some comments on a web forum. Anyway, enough negative feedback. I get it. But I have to say......I've seen people on this website, as well as another, that were/are REALLLLLLLLLY naive.

That may be true, but these "naive" people may not believe that their relationship is a fradulent one - even with said persons being active readers of a red flag thread. Think about it. How many women say "not my man"/how many men say "not my woman" (naive or not)? Maybe they are so clueless that even a brick to the forehead wouldn't knock any sense to them? Or maybe they see the signs but don't want to believe that it's true? To each their own I say.

Gemmie I agree with your comment well stated.

Edited November 24, 2008 by Jonesie

[mrsartis 10]

so sorry to read all that.. heads up..

[baxxy 0]

Hello...

I am a TRUE believer in Karma!! Though cliche, I've lived long enough to know that "EVERYTHING THAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND" without any assistance from us.

Perfectly said, and it is true. Im sorry for your situation NotMrs, but he will get whats coming to him whether its tomorrow or in 10 yrs from now. Thanks for having the courage to share this and to give others food for thought. It was very couragious of you.

[bhajishah 4]

Nothing at all against the OP . That is truely his lost, she ihas beautiful smile and disposition. what a beautiful lady . and she is doing good works in her career. red flag well yah , when the american dream in includes extravagent ideals, nice new car, fabulous place to live also includes supermodel wife and girlfriend, this is typical of the uneducated belive what they see on tv ie bay watch. youth. of all cultures are like this even ours. takes many yrs to grow up..it takes great character not to be shallow.

[Imua 0]

If immigrants rush into marriage and it doesn't work out, the USC was automatically duped. I guess my question is......why did the USC rush into marriage as well? That's why I'm interested to hear the progression of the relationship and subsequent deterioration. Is he really the greatest con man of all time, or were they both just caught up?

Let me state this very carefuly, the following applies to SOME, NOT ALL!

SOME USCs rush in because they feel they have found love...They live in the states where perhaps the attention they recieve is limited, or from men they don't consider attractive.

Now, here is a hard bodied, good-looking Nubian prince telling you he loves you at 350 lbs/resembling Shrek/with your 6 kids/drama issues/etc. Or whatever else the case may be.

They go to Jamaica and meet some who is telling them everything they ever wanted to hear from a man and is a master of the craft of telling them sweet nothings.

Why would they wait????

Here's someone telling you at 30 years of age he's never met anyone worthy of marrying, and now along comes his soulmate and he wants to get married RIGHT away, he doesn't want to be separated any longer from his queen.

Oh, btw, he doesn't REALLY want to leave Jamaica, but he'll do it for you.

The process is expensive yes, but so are all these trips down to 'make sure' this is for real. Trip consisting of course of a few days in a fantasy tropical paradise. Some USCs will loudly proclaim how they 'roughed' it in his house....

Why blame an 'unattractive' woman for reaching out for maybe the only chance at love she may have - I fit your description up to a point and yes maybe he may leave me, why not, I will most likely never be able to have kids anyway so cannot be the good Nepali wife... still I don't want to die the pathetic spinster - until I met G I thought that would be my fate... try growing up in a place where if you're not a giggly 100lb Asian princess or a surfer blonde party girl you are invisible... Hawaii was the birthplace of the MOB(Cherry Blossoms) back when it was being done by mail so this is the culture I had to deal with even as a teen...typical fast-buck fast-f$$k tourist beach bikini appearance-oriented culture... this is where I grew up... since I was 'unattractive' and was a commuter never met anyone in college, don't drink so no bars and the few times I went to clubs with the girls to dance was ignored by the guys in favor of the Filipinas, ended up in a female-dominated profession... My grandmother has said my husband is only out for a GC and maybe she is right, I am ugly and old so why not.... Look at recent threads in MENA to see appearance is everything... if you are female and not attractive you might as well commit suicide because you will end up alone... even poor and ugly guys would rather stay at home alone surfing internet porn rather than marry someone who is on their same level - for a guy to marry an ugly girl it is as if he has failed at being a man... still there are very few guys who do rise above this and look at a woman's soul rather than her physical appearance or fertility so this is my hope even if it is a slim chance... some relationships do work even when it is not the stereotypical hot young fertile girl and the rich (or at least employed) guy her same age. Maybe it is better if the man is shy and doesn't really care what 'the other guys' think. I know I have a lot to offer a man if he dares to look beyond looks. I just want to live my life as fully as I can - call me stupid if he leaves me, how dare I hope for a man to fall in love with my soul, I should have just settled down with 10 birds(allergic to cats) and called it a day. As Janis Ian said 'I learned the truth at 17, that love was made for beauty queens' - maybe, maybe not....

Edited November 25, 2008 by Pattu Rani

[boo boo 1]

I will just keep this short and sweet!

I was used for a green card. I am thouroughly convinced of this. We have argued numerous times and it all boils down to this:

1) I am not a normal woman because I want a husband who loves me, appreciates me, makes love to me, spends time with me etc...

2) I asked if I should find someone else to be those things for me and the answer was to do whatever I want...

3) Today when I mentioned I am no longer comfortable living here I was told to get the f*** out, he doesn't care about me...

So, I am done. When he couldn't work, I supported him. He got a job and car and credit cards, I became nothing.

Remindes me of Pam and her duped posts.

What the hell do I do now and how?

It seems like this post has gone off track, The question being asked is "What the hell do I do now and how?" There is not a need for anyone to talk about ignoring the red flags prior to marriage or state that someone was being used....what is the purpose???? I am sure that is not the reason why Sarah started this post. If you can not offer any helpful advice to the OP or have anything decent to say, then why bother saying anything?

I apologize if I sound rude because I am really not trying to come off that way, I just think that everyone should be supportive and offer advice...that is all the OP is seeking. When any marriage has problems, we should all (as a VJ family) offer our support and give our condolences in a respectful manner.

I hope that everyone has a Blessed Day!!

[Perseverance 1]

I agree with Boo Boo,

A lot of nasty words are being said and judgements cast. She reached out for help and support, and that is what we should do. Please think of how you would feel in this situation. Be kind.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

If the shoe fits......

If immigrants rush into marriage and it doesn't work out, the USC was automatically duped. I guess my question is......why did the USC rush into marriage as well? That's why I'm interested to hear the progression of the relationship and subsequent deterioration. Is he really the greatest con man of all time, or were they both just caught up?

Let me state this very carefuly, the following applies to SOME, NOT ALL!

SOME USCs rush in because they feel they have found love...They live in the states where perhaps the attention they recieve is limited, or from men they don't consider attractive.

Now, here is a hard bodied, good-looking Nubian prince telling you he loves you at 350 lbs/resembling Shrek/with your 6 kids/drama issues/etc. Or whatever else the case may be.

They go to Jamaica and meet some who is telling them everything they ever wanted to hear from a man and is a master of the craft of telling them sweet nothings.

Why would they wait????

Here's someone telling you at 30 years of age he's never met anyone worthy of marrying, and now along comes his soulmate and he wants to get married RIGHT away, he doesn't want to be separated any longer from his queen.

Oh, btw, he doesn't REALLY want to leave Jamaica, but he'll do it for you.

The process is expensive yes, but so are all these trips down to 'make sure' this is for real. Trip consisting of course of a few days in a fantasy tropical paradise. Some USCs will loudly proclaim how they 'roughed' it in his house....

Why blame an 'unattractive' woman for reaching out for maybe the only chance at love she may have - I fit your description up to a point and yes maybe he may leave me, why not, I will most likely never be able to have kids anyway so cannot be the good Nepali wife... still I don't want to die the pathetic spinster - until I met G I thought that would be my fate... try growing up in a place where if you're not a giggly 100lb Asian princess or a surfer blonde party girl you are invisible... Hawaii was the birthplace of the MOB(Cherry Blossoms) back when it was being done by mail so this is the culture I had to deal with even as a teen...typical fast-buck fast-f$$k tourist beach bikini appearance-oriented culture... this is where I grew up... since I was 'unattractive' and was a commuter never met anyone in college, don't drink so no bars and the few times I went to clubs with the girls to dance was ignored by the guys in favor of the Filipinas, ended up in a female-dominated profession... My grandmother has said my husband is only out for a GC and maybe she is right, I am ugly and old so why not.... Look at recent threads in MENA to see appearance is everything... if you are female and not attractive you might as well commit suicide because you will end up alone... even poor and ugly guys would rather stay at home alone surfing internet porn rather than marry someone who is on their same level - for a guy to marry an ugly girl it is as if he has failed at being a man... still there are very few guys who do rise above this and look at a woman's soul rather than her physical appearance or fertility so this is my hope even if it is a slim chance... some relationships do work even when it is not the stereotypical hot young fertile girl and the rich (or at least employed) guy her same age. Maybe it is better if the man is shy and doesn't really care what 'the other guys' think. I know I have a lot to offer a man if he dares to look beyond looks. I just want to live my life as fully as I can - call me stupid if he leaves me, how dare I hope for a man to fall in love with my soul, I should have just settled down with 10 birds(allergic to cats) and called it a day. As Janis Ian said 'I learned the truth at 17, that love was made for beauty queens' - maybe, maybe not....

[bhajishah 4]

Patty i thought you were nepali..I dont think you will have any major probs, dont sweat it sis.

What to do now

Go back in and try again, learn live again, learn to give again, learn to love again....always with open heart.

[nycgirl 13]

I agree with Boo Boo,

A lot of nasty words are being said and judgements cast. She reached out for help and support, and that is what we should do. Please think of how you would feel in this situation. Be kind.

Just for the record, my comments were not specific to Sarah's situation. More general observations than anything.

I am just tired of seeing everyone (whose marriage doesn't work out) immediately claim Visa Fraud. Especially with Jamaican men.

All kinds of Jamaican men out there, but a lot are getting a bad rap because of a few bad apples, and because of Women who rush into marriage without fully getting to know their mate.

Sarah, I apologize if it seemed that I was singling you out. I realize that this is your thread. Sorry.

Patty i thought you were nepali..I dont think you will have any major probs, dont sweat it sis.

What to do now

Go back in and try again, learn live again, learn to give again, learn to love again....always with open heart.

Who's Patty? Lay off the vodka, Cindy.

[Cham 3]

I want to toss this in. Heartbreak happens ANYWHERE in the world. Be it you marry someone who is from your own country or not. It is obvious she is hurting and needs a BIG HUG and support!

DEAR OP

I am sorry you have to endure this and all I can offer is a shoulder to cry on and a big hug!

I hope you will be okay and you are in my thoughts

[bhajishah 4]

Is irish whiskey ok mom??? Its our cultural drink...

be happy its a nice holiday.

rent a movie, ie anger mgt starring adam sandler