Let's Talk .....

[Zee Bee 61]

Words of wisdom P

I remember you posting some time ago about your experience and I read it and said "That is us!"

Your story has helped me step back, take a breath and think rationally about what to do. And for that I thank you

[Kanyiri 0]

All4 -

Living in Ghana with DH is sooo much different from living the US with DH. All the time both of us are saying, "In Ghana you did..." or "In Ghana you didn't..." It completely turns the table on who feels comfortable. In Ghana it was easy because DH could feel like he was taking care of me. I had to ask him how to deal with certain situations and let him guide me through conversations that I didn't understand. Here it is the opposite. I know it hurts his pride and just basically his self-confidence. He has said to me more than once that he doesn't always feel like himself here. That in Ghana he gets such respect from everyone and here people look down on him because he doesn't know all the cultural rules that we grew up with.

It takes time, patience, and the willingness to compromise from both parties. Once your DH gets a steady job and makes friends of his own then he will feel more confident in his own abilities and as a result he will then be more caring and understanding in his relationship with you. The first few months were very hard between DH and I. We would fight about stupid little things - washing shoes and putting a metal spoon in a crock pot. Once he got a job though and made friends on his own, I could see the confidence coming back and he would then be more willing to sit and talk with me and neither one of us had such a short fuse.

And I can't even imagine how hard it would be if we were living with my mother. That's a whole other complication. You will get through the hard times. You will make it. ((HUGS))

[ForeverAmen 0]

I should have tuned in a while ago for this thread. I was nodding my head so much with all of these comments that I wanted to quote and reply to them all! We've been in the US 3 1/2 months now and its not been easy at all. We're living with my mother, my son is adjusting well with school and I just find my patience running out. I sometimes look at him and wonder, "who is this person?" He seems so hard headed and I notice that when my husband is upset, he's definitely shutting down on me rather than reaching out like he used to. It's driving me crazy. Just this morning I was wondering, its scary that after this long visa journey, i'm sitting here asking myself, are we going to make it?

Sounds a lot like what we went through.

I have learned (very slowly) that I need to give him space when we disagree. Him shutting down just makes us both frustrated. The longer I talk and try to make a case, the quieter and angrier he gets. I have learned to be quiet and let him process and let him know that we can continue talking when he feels good and ready. It also helps calm me down and see the issue and it helps us have a dialogue.

It does seem like they change a little when they come here, but remmeber, thy are in a new environment and need to take everything in. I also think that being men, being dependent on a woman is a lot harder than vice versa. They feel like they should be out working, contributing to the household, but they are not patient to wait and find something. Everyday is a battle.

Talking from personal experience: just be super patient with him. Believe me, once he gets his bearings you will start to see signs of the man that you met in Ghana. I don't know if he is working or not, but it might help if you find him something to do, even if its just volunteering so that he can meet other people.

I am about to give myself a headache due to the constant nodding in agreement. This is so true for me as well.

[ForeverAmen 0]

I agree with all that has been said. For the most part I believe that my husband and I initially had a smooth sail due to the fact that he spent 3+ years prior to coming to the USA in Germany. Therefore, the transition was not as hard. However, as we began to spend actual face to face time together I soon realized how 'different' we were. BUT ... by the grace of God, we quickly put into action several things we learned from our weeks of Premarital Counseling. In addition - on a personal note I've learned to keep my "I know I'm right" mouth shut!

As mentioned earlier, communication is key. But sometimes it's best to be quiet and address things at a later time. Most recently my husband and I have been discussing the subject of Life Insurance. Well ... who would have thought that my desire to 'think about the future', would have resulted in my husband questioning my motive. That's right ... our discussions of what is life insurance, why is it needed, etc., etc, turned into him wondering why I was pressing the issue. Believe me, his questioning was not due to lack of funds to pay for a premium. He started to ponder whether or not I had a hidden agenda. I was so upset with him that before I realized it I had called his sister in order to make arrangements for him to have a place to stay. I was even willing to write him a check to 'start over'. Just so long as he got the @#$%^ out of my life. NOTE: We discuss nothing with his family or mine. But this time he was about to be put out, and I figured the least I could do was make sure he had a place to stay. During the conversation his sister started laughing. To me I had said nothing that was funny. I later learned that she was laughing because she and her husband (they both are from West Africa) had the same conversation a year ago, and he too had the same mentality as my husband. She helped me to understand that my husbands mentality was more so of a cultural adjustment. For them it was not something often heard off. She (my sister-in-law) has been in the USA for a while. So she understands how things function. The challenge was getting our men up to speed.

With all that was said and done, I learned from my husband that my aggressiveness is what 'scared' him. I was like #######?!?!?!? "Would you think I would try to hurt you for some money?!?!?!? Look at what has been aquired before I even met you! This was a result of obtaining a degree, spending countless hours working in corporate America, starting and VERY successfully selling my own business!" OK VJ family .... let me stop now, because I am about to get upset all over again ..... {breathe, breathe}. OK ... anyway .... after days of the silent treatment, my husband grabbed me and out loud thanked God for blessing him with such a wise wife. To my suprise, he made the plans to have his physical completed, in order to take out a policy. Now ... why in the world we had to go through all of that just to make him understand why we should have a policy ?!?!??!!? ..... I don't know. But I can say, in its own special way, it brought us closer.

As P so well stated - This struggle will make you question your marriage, your love for each other, and possibly even your own judgement. The reality is that the cultures and expectations are very different.. But when everything has been said and done .... communication is key.

Boaz

Edited December 2, 2008 by Boaz

[Ta Ta 1]

The adjustment period is much harder than most people think. This time when your SO first gets here until the time they "find" their place in this country is very difficult. Ours lasted a little over a year, and a lot of damage was done during that time, neither one of us knew or understood what was happening until later when we cold both step back from the situation and look at it with different eyes. I know that many peoples relationships have their struggles when their SO gets here, and it lasts for quite a while. Its just that people don't talk about it here, we are all so afraid of what will be said to us, from past experience, and seeing how others were treated when they spoke out.

This struggle will make you question your marriage, your love for each other, and possibly even your own judgement. The reality is that the cultures and expectations are very different. We Americans are very caught up in our American lives and routines, we get in our groove and we overlook what our spouses could be going through and feeling. I mean we love our country so much, what is there not to love...right?? But really our loved ones have a very hard time when they get here, much harder than we could ever imagine.

In February my husband will be here for 2 years. The first year was very hard on both of us, there were so many misunderstandings that did not need to happen, but they did. It is only now in the last 6 months that we are able to have adult discussions about what was happening between us during that time, and work toward healing the old wounds. Any marriage is hard work, but a marriage where 2 very different cultures are blended is much harder and takes much more work. Americans tend to have "throw away marriages" so easy to walk away from. The kind of commitment that a bi-cultural marriage takes must be stronger and deeper than any other commitment you have ever made in your life, if your marriage is going to survive the difficult adjustment period. You really have to do the work that it takes.

I wish I had been better prepared for what was going to happen to our relationship and to him when he got here, some sort of insight to the situation. Really as a group of strong Women (men too) that bring our SOs here, we should be strong enough to talk about these kinds of important issues without shame, and with dignity, with no fear of others reactions or judgements. We can do this, open up to help the many others that will follow in our footsteps in this journey.

Thank you to my VJ sisters who were there when I needed them, who spoke soft comforting words, when I was sad, who gave me advice and encouragement when I was lost, who never let me give up hope on the man that I love so dearly. Who have laughed with me in the good times and cried with me in the bad times. I stick around here so that maybe I can one day return the kind friendship that was given so graciously to me in my great time of need.

Oh jeez!! Now Ive gone and shown my soft side......

P

This is a great post P ! Thank you.

[reeses16 8]

All4Kweku,

Hang in there. The first year is hard, but it does get better. You have to adjust to living together, he has to adjust to living in the US, you have to HELP him adjust. Its really overwhelming, but its manageable if you take it one step at a time. Communication is key...but remember sometimes its good to be quiet and reflect.

As Kanyiri mentioned, your lives and they way you interact with each other in his country will be different than it is in the US. It just takes time and patience with the process of adjustment and patience with him.

Edited December 2, 2008 by reeses16

[Ta Ta 1]

I really get a lot out of these posts when you guys share your issues and see that I am not alone in communication struggles. Even though we are not together yet, in the past 3 1/2 years of communicating and working through problems, chaos and mini disasters I can say it has not always been easy.

He has no job now and already feels bad for not being able to provide. We almost have our transport business going so that will help a bit.

I am fully aware that the adjustment period when he is actually here ( by faith ! ) will be an altogether different thing. But I want to add for those who are still apart and yet have been a couple for a long time or several years, adjustment even happens during that time. There is a shift in the relationship that goes from to to and then to

and until it is talked through and things are back to a much deeper understanding bond and

The stress of denial or AP can manifest other issues.

I am currently learning to shut my mouth more often. My style of communicating is not being productive. When he is trying to tell me about a situation or problem I usually come back with ' oh yeah so what happened then blah blah' and he gets frustrated about my interrupting him.

To me it is not an interruption but a conversation like a ping pong game, you both take turns to talk. Not so !

He now prefers for me to totally listen quietly until he has finished narrating the entire situation ( which can take quiet a long time with all the details ....Pingo.com loves me ! ) and then and only then I am invited to give my reply.

If I do not understand anything halfway through his narration I am to ask him to repeat after he is completely finished ( if I still remember then)!

We had countless discussions about this :

I thought I understood and only later it became evident that I did not ,so how can I ask you for clarification if I thought I heard you correctly...............to that he says, well why do you always think you are right ?

We get stuck at the craziest places communicating and I am like

The styles of communicating are definitely different. My sometimes abrasive tone and speech needs to change, I am realizing that.

But dang.........sometimes you just can't hold it in know what I mean ?

I admit it is often my own fault and when he says 'I don't want to talk because we are both too angry right now' instead of giving me the silent treatment then I am thinking ok we are making small steps in the right direction. We both need to cool off and think things through rationally.

My sometimes excited and fast ramblings get misunderstood for anger.

But we are making such good progress.........only to fall into the ' now that he is here ' adjustment later all over again.

By then I hope we have got the communication and understanding worked out sufficiently to deal with it.

But yeah I know.........the moods will change and they won't be themselves for a while

[Perseverance 1]

Words of wisdom P

I remember you posting some time ago about your experience and I read it and said "That is us!"

Your story has helped me step back, take a breath and think rationally about what to do. And for that I thank you

Your welcome I am glad that I helped someone

[ForeverAmen 0]

All4Kweku,

Hang in there. The first year is hard, but it does get better. You have to adjust to living together, he has to adjust to living in the US, you have to HELP him adjust. Its really overwhelming, but its manageable if you take it one step at a time. Communication is key...but remember sometimes its good to be quiet and reflect.

As Kanyiri mentioned, your lives and they way you interact with each other in his country will be different than it is in the US. It just takes time and patience with the process of adjustment and patience with him.

[All4Kweku 0]

Seriously, this discussion is like a light in a tunnel. I could go on and on about the ridiculous arguments that are cropping up around here. My silence has been my solace on more than one occasion. The arguments used to go round and round and no matter how many times my husband would say "I don't want to talk about it right now" the angrier I would get. Finally, I've given in to that perspective. I'm learning that compromise does not mean sacrifice. I've learned that just because I'm right, I don't have to "make him yell uncle" and proclaim that I am right. It pisses me off, but I've also learned that sometimes my husband is being difficult simply because he wants to be contrary. Oh how we can push each other's buttons. He's coming around to some of my suggestions about volunteering or a temp agency because the news told him in the economy was bad in the country. He paid me no mind when I was complaining that we were already in a recession months ago. He said to me, okay, you were right, I was wrong, now what? It was only then that I realize that my own "fighting style" is to hash and tussle until someone screams uncle and the winner of an argument is declared. But what kind of fruit does a tree like that bear--none. So all of this for me has really been a learning curve. Stretching my patience just a little further. Some days I feel resigned to my marriage rather than joyed by it and I readily admit that I am always the first to bring up the "we're not making it conversation". His steadfast approach of you are my wife, my only wife, is sometimes the very thing that keeps me going some days, or wanting to run away on other days. The financial strain is part of my resentment, I know that. And his lack of employment has nothing at all to do effort, because applications have been put in everywhere but responses have been few......So right now, I'm just reflecting and hoping that things will get better soon. But I am not giving up on us, its just so very hard at times...

[reeses16 8]

Jobs are hard to get. I'll try to keep it short. Our first year wasn't easy here are a few things hubby and I learned:

1) Do not apply to many jobs at once (especially if you are looking for employment in a particular sector/industry). If denied, you have to wait until you've added skills/experience etc. Also, it gives you a chance see if your resume could be improved (this is particularly true if you're interviewed but not hired)

2) Use an American nickname. After 2-3 months applying for jobs with his full name and not one interview. I changed his resume to have his Nickname Middle Initial Legal Last name. He had several interviews the week following our switch. In his cover letters we stated his full first name, but asked to be referred to by his nickname.

3) He has to follow up. Even adds that say no inquiries. Call anyway...give it 2 weeks or so. If you do it politely and establish a good rapport it will really help you. Hubby has a great job now because he followed up with a call.

4) US references & work history are key. Hubby was fortunate that a few people he's worked with before now live in the US. But US work history was a killer. Its difficult to get around, take the first job you get then move on a few months later. If I knew then what I know now (oh yeah and had money!), I might have started an online business or something and hired him as an employee to jump start his US resume.

5) He should take the first job he gets no matter what. It will be a good experience for him, create US job history, and hopefully he will be able to get a reference for a future job. My hubby went through lots of things at work, under-employment (not scheduled enough hours working 6hr/wk for part time and ~25/wk for full time) shorting his pay (thankfully he always kept his clock in/out receipts)

6) He should then continue to look for a job in the field that he really wants or go to school or get training to making him a stronger candidate for another position.

I know its hard. We were on 1 income for 4 months and it was 10 months before he got a job that he was happy at with good pay. But things do get better. Financial strain is very taxing. The best thing we did was talk about our obligations and goals and prioritize them. Then I made a plan, we discussed it and made the changes we agreed on.

Sorry, that was the opposite of short.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Seriously, this discussion is like a light in a tunnel. I could go on and on about the ridiculous arguments that are cropping up around here. My silence has been my solace on more than one occasion. The arguments used to go round and round and no matter how many times my husband would say "I don't want to talk about it right now" the angrier I would get. Finally, I've given in to that perspective. I'm learning that compromise does not mean sacrifice. I've learned that just because I'm right, I don't have to "make him yell uncle" and proclaim that I am right. It pisses me off, but I've also learned that sometimes my husband is being difficult simply because he wants to be contrary. Oh how we can push each other's buttons. He's coming around to some of my suggestions about volunteering or a temp agency because the news told him in the economy was bad in the country. He paid me no mind when I was complaining that we were already in a recession months ago. He said to me, okay, you were right, I was wrong, now what? It was only then that I realize that my own "fighting style" is to hash and tussle until someone screams uncle and the winner of an argument is declared. But what kind of fruit does a tree like that bear--none. So all of this for me has really been a learning curve. Stretching my patience just a little further. Some days I feel resigned to my marriage rather than joyed by it and I readily admit that I am always the first to bring up the "we're not making it conversation". His steadfast approach of you are my wife, my only wife, is sometimes the very thing that keeps me going some days, or wanting to run away on other days. The financial strain is part of my resentment, I know that. And his lack of employment has nothing at all to do effort, because applications have been put in everywhere but responses have been few......So right now, I'm just reflecting and hoping that things will get better soon. But I am not giving up on us, its just so very hard at times...

I am glad you are learning this so soon after his arrival. As for me, it took me a while ... thank God it was not too late.

Reeses16 - well stated!

[idocare 3]

thought I'd give this topic a bump.