Let's Talk .....

[WonTanNara 0]

Another subject that he has a hard time with is the fact that I am 35 years old and my child bearing years are coming to an end. He does not seem to understand that and looks at me like I am crazy. If he wants a biological child, I am running out of time. When we met it did not seems like an issue, but time passes so quickly....

Hogwash, you have plenty of time. Women today are so much more healthy than they were 20 or 30 years ago. If you are taking care of yourself you still have a good 7 or 8 years. I know lots of women who have had beautiful, healthy kids in their early 40s.

[Perseverance 1]

Another subject that he has a hard time with is the fact that I am 35 years old and my child bearing years are coming to an end. He does not seem to understand that and looks at me like I am crazy. If he wants a biological child, I am running out of time. When we met it did not seems like an issue, but time passes so quickly....

Hogwash, you have plenty of time. Women today are so much more healthy than they were 20 or 30 years ago. If you are taking care of yourself you still have a good 7 or 8 years. I know lots of women who have had beautiful, healthy kids in their early 40s.

Actually no I dont have plenty of time, the women in my family tend to go into menopause in thier early 40s, my sister is 41 and she is starting to show signs. Not to mention that once you are over 35 the rate of birth defects goes up, that has nothing to do with the womans state of health. I have realised that another child is not really a reality for me.

[ose_n_me 0]

Another subject that he has a hard time with is the fact that I am 35 years old and my child bearing years are coming to an end. He does not seem to understand that and looks at me like I am crazy. If he wants a biological child, I am running out of time. When we met it did not seems like an issue, but time passes so quickly....

Hogwash, you have plenty of time. Women today are so much more healthy than they were 20 or 30 years ago. If you are taking care of yourself you still have a good 7 or 8 years. I know lots of women who have had beautiful, healthy kids in their early 40s.

Actually no I dont have plenty of time, the women in my family tend to go into menopause in thier early 40s, my sister is 41 and she is starting to show signs. Not to mention that once you are over 35 the rate of birth defects goes up, that has nothing to do with the womans state of health. I have realised that another child is not really a reality for me.

Normally I refrain from sharing too much personal information...but as I read this topic I felt the need to respond. I will be 44 in January. I have 3 kids (ages 22, 21, and 13) Before meeting my hubby (at age 42), I had assumed that I was done having kids. Although I am fairly healthy, I do have some medical problems that I felt would make pregnancy more difficult than previously. I told him right from the start that I didnt feel I wanted anymore children, and he accepted it and it was never talked about again. (he has no children, and is the oldest of 9 kids) But not long into our relationship, I changed my mind. I realized that I never wanted anything so bad in my life. Finally having the love of my life..I desperately wanted to have a child with him.

We decided to leave it in Gods hands. Unfortunately I developed some problems and had to have surgery recently, which may directly effect fertility. It is still unknown whether I will be able to conceive. I actually have an appt with my MD this week to discuss our next step and the options. We both realize the odds are not in our favor, and that there are risks involved, but we are willing to do whatever it takes and feel that if it is meant to be..then God will give us a child. We are aware of birth defects etc...but feel a child is a gift no matter what package it comes in. There are healthy babies born to women over 40 everyday, and it is very common in my hubbys culture, so we are not giving up hope.

This is a very personal issue...and eveyone has differing views, but my hubby feels strongly that God is the ultimate maker, and no matter whether its a natural conception, or an assisted one...God is who gives life. Period.

So with prayers and faith we will continue. We will accept whatever fate brings...Cuz with God...all things are possible.

God Bless

[Perseverance 1]

Wow sorry guys, I did not mean to bring up such a touchy subject in the touchy subject thread

[kelly1290 0]

You are right about this. I am married to a Nigerian. His mother is 72 and has a 17-year-old daughter. Her oldest is 27. She had her first child at the age of 45, so it is so possible. None of them have any birth defects.

Another subject that he has a hard time with is the fact that I am 35 years old and my child bearing years are coming to an end. He does not seem to understand that and looks at me like I am crazy. If he wants a biological child, I am running out of time. When we met it did not seems like an issue, but time passes so quickly....

Hogwash, you have plenty of time. Women today are so much more healthy than they were 20 or 30 years ago. If you are taking care of yourself you still have a good 7 or 8 years. I know lots of women who have had beautiful, healthy kids in their early 40s.

Actually no I dont have plenty of time, the women in my family tend to go into menopause in thier early 40s, my sister is 41 and she is starting to show signs. Not to mention that once you are over 35 the rate of birth defects goes up, that has nothing to do with the womans state of health. I have realised that another child is not really a reality for me.

Normally I refrain from sharing too much personal information...but as I read this topic I felt the need to respond. I will be 44 in January. I have 3 kids (ages 22, 21, and 13) Before meeting my hubby (at age 42), I had assumed that I was done having kids. Although I am fairly healthy, I do have some medical problems that I felt would make pregnancy more difficult than previously. I told him right from the start that I didnt feel I wanted anymore children, and he accepted it and it was never talked about again. (he has no children, and is the oldest of 9 kids) But not long into our relationship, I changed my mind. I realized that I never wanted anything so bad in my life. Finally having the love of my life..I desperately wanted to have a child with him.

We decided to leave it in Gods hands. Unfortunately I developed some problems and had to have surgery recently, which may directly effect fertility. It is still unknown whether I will be able to conceive. I actually have an appt with my MD this week to discuss our next step and the options. We both realize the odds are not in our favor, and that there are risks involved, but we are willing to do whatever it takes and feel that if it is meant to be..then God will give us a child. We are aware of birth defects etc...but feel a child is a gift no matter what package it comes in. There are healthy babies born to women over 40 everyday, and it is very common in my hubbys culture, so we are not giving up hope.

This is a very personal issue...and eveyone has differing views, but my hubby feels strongly that God is the ultimate maker, and no matter whether its a natural conception, or an assisted one...God is who gives life. Period.

So with prayers and faith we will continue. We will accept whatever fate brings...Cuz with God...all things are possible.

God Bless

[ForeverAmen 0]

Wow sorry guys, I did not mean to bring up such a touchy subject in the touchy subject thread

LOL!

[ose_n_me 0]

Wow sorry guys, I did not mean to bring up such a touchy subject in the touchy subject thread

Actually...not a touchy subject for me, just a personal one....and one I thought was on a more serious note. Not looking for sympathy, was just trying to be hopeful and supportive of the issue posted.

[Perseverance 1]

Wow sorry guys, I did not mean to bring up such a touchy subject in the touchy subject thread

Actually...not a touchy subject for me, just a personal one....and one I thought was on a more serious note. Not looking for sympathy, was just trying to be hopeful and supportive of the issue posted.

Yes you were being supportive, and it was serious, I should never have brought it up....I am the one who really does not want to talk about it, it is very hard for me to deal with, and touchy for me.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Wow sorry guys, I did not mean to bring up such a touchy subject in the touchy subject thread

Actually...not a touchy subject for me, just a personal one....and one I thought was on a more serious note. Not looking for sympathy, was just trying to be hopeful and supportive of the issue posted.

Yes you were being supportive, and it was serious, I should never have brought it up....I am the one who really does not want to talk about it, it is very hard for me to deal with, and touchy for me.

hey "O n Me" and "P"

theres no need to fear, Unoz ovaries are here

I am about as fertile as one can get

I will gladly give the both of yous all the eggs you need to make all y'allz dreams come true

p.s. when I lust after a man I have to run and take a pregnancy test

[ForeverAmen 0]

Wow sorry guys, I did not mean to bring up such a touchy subject in the touchy subject thread

Actually...not a touchy subject for me, just a personal one....and one I thought was on a more serious note. Not looking for sympathy, was just trying to be hopeful and supportive of the issue posted.

Yes you were being supportive, and it was serious, I should never have brought it up....I am the one who really does not want to talk about it, it is very hard for me to deal with, and touchy for me.

hey "O n Me" and "P"

theres no need to fear, Unoz ovaries are here

I am about as fertile as one can get

I will gladly give the both of yous all the eggs you need to make all y'allz dreams come true

p.s. when I lust after a man I have to run and take a pregnancy test

Uno - you are sooooooo FUNNY! I will keep you in mind if needed (hopefully not), but just in case.

Wow sorry guys, I did not mean to bring up such a touchy subject in the touchy subject thread

Actually...not a touchy subject for me, just a personal one....and one I thought was on a more serious note. Not looking for sympathy, was just trying to be hopeful and supportive of the issue posted.

Thanks for the encouragement. Your support is needed and appreciated. Sometimes we have to laugh in order not to cry.

[All4Kweku 0]

I should have tuned in a while ago for this thread. I was nodding my head so much with all of these comments that I wanted to quote and reply to them all! We've been in the US 3 1/2 months now and its not been easy at all. We're living with my mother, my son is adjusting well with school and I just find my patience running out. I sometimes look at him and wonder, "who is this person?" He seems so hard headed and I notice that when my husband is upset, he's definitely shutting down on me rather than reaching out like he used to. It's driving me crazy. Just this morning I was wondering, its scary that after this long visa journey, i'm sitting here asking myself, are we going to make it?

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I should have tuned in a while ago for this thread. I was nodding my head so much with all of these comments that I wanted to quote and reply to them all! We've been in the US 3 1/2 months now and its not been easy at all. We're living with my mother, my son is adjusting well with school and I just find my patience running out. I sometimes look at him and wonder, "who is this person?" He seems so hard headed and I notice that when my husband is upset, he's definitely shutting down on me rather than reaching out like he used to. It's driving me crazy. Just this morning I was wondering, its scary that after this long visa journey, i'm sitting here asking myself, are we going to make it?

I think a lot of people have talked about how difficult the transition period is for both parties in the relationship. Living with a third person and fourth person on top of all that to transition with has got to be even harder. Bassi and I have been "transitioning" since July. And we have had our arguments and we will have more no doubt. Especially with my mouth. Hee Hee! But we are both committed to being together until we share teeth! It's A LOT you're dealing with. How are you guys communicating? It seems to be key to find a way to communicate with your African man. They definitely communicate differently than American women are used to. But don't give up. Surrender to the job at hand and roll up your sleeves and get to work. You can't change what he does, but you can change your reactions and interactions. Get creative and talk with folks here who have been through it or are also going through it for ideas or just support when you need to vent.

Z

[All4Kweku 0]

Z,

Thank you so much for your reply. I definitely feel the positive vibes coming off of that. I have become more meditative and reflective in the last month or so because I do talk alot of "smack" when I'm angry, which only escalates situations. I just realize that my husband and I don't know each other as well as we thought we did. Patience is a virtue I am trying to cultivate...

Thanks for the response.

[Zee Bee 61]

I should have tuned in a while ago for this thread. I was nodding my head so much with all of these comments that I wanted to quote and reply to them all! We've been in the US 3 1/2 months now and its not been easy at all. We're living with my mother, my son is adjusting well with school and I just find my patience running out. I sometimes look at him and wonder, "who is this person?" He seems so hard headed and I notice that when my husband is upset, he's definitely shutting down on me rather than reaching out like he used to. It's driving me crazy. Just this morning I was wondering, its scary that after this long visa journey, i'm sitting here asking myself, are we going to make it?

Sounds a lot like what we went through.

I have learned (very slowly) that I need to give him space when we disagree. Him shutting down just makes us both frustrated. The longer I talk and try to make a case, the quieter and angrier he gets. I have learned to be quiet and let him process and let him know that we can continue talking when he feels good and ready. It also helps calm me down and see the issue and it helps us have a dialogue.

It does seem like they change a little when they come here, but remmeber, thy are in a new environment and need to take everything in. I also think that being men, being dependent on a woman is a lot harder than vice versa. They feel like they should be out working, contributing to the household, but they are not patient to wait and find something. Everyday is a battle.

Talking from personal experience: just be super patient with him. Believe me, once he gets his bearings you will start to see signs of the man that you met in Ghana. I don't know if he is working or not, but it might help if you find him something to do, even if its just volunteering so that he can meet other people.

[Perseverance 1]

The adjustment period is much harder than most people think. This time when your SO first gets here until the time they "find" their place in this country is very difficult. Ours lasted a little over a year, and a lot of damage was done during that time, neither one of us knew or understood what was happening until later when we cold both step back from the situation and look at it with different eyes. I know that many peoples relationships have their struggles when their SO gets here, and it lasts for quite a while. Its just that people don't talk about it here, we are all so afraid of what will be said to us, from past experience, and seeing how others were treated when they spoke out.

This struggle will make you question your marriage, your love for each other, and possibly even your own judgement. The reality is that the cultures and expectations are very different. We Americans are very caught up in our American lives and routines, we get in our groove and we overlook what our spouses could be going through and feeling. I mean we love our country so much, what is there not to love...right?? But really our loved ones have a very hard time when they get here, much harder than we could ever imagine.

In February my husband will be here for 2 years. The first year was very hard on both of us, there were so many misunderstandings that did not need to happen, but they did. It is only now in the last 6 months that we are able to have adult discussions about what was happening between us during that time, and work toward healing the old wounds. Any marriage is hard work, but a marriage where 2 very different cultures are blended is much harder and takes much more work. Americans tend to have "throw away marriages" so easy to walk away from. The kind of commitment that a bi-cultural marriage takes must be stronger and deeper than any other commitment you have ever made in your life, if your marriage is going to survive the difficult adjustment period. You really have to do the work that it takes.

I wish I had been better prepared for what was going to happen to our relationship and to him when he got here, some sort of insight to the situation. Really as a group of strong Women (men too) that bring our SOs here, we should be strong enough to talk about these kinds of important issues without shame, and with dignity, with no fear of others reactions or judgements. We can do this, open up to help the many others that will follow in our footsteps in this journey.

Thank you to my VJ sisters who were there when I needed them, who spoke soft comforting words, when I was sad, who gave me advice and encouragement when I was lost, who never let me give up hope on the man that I love so dearly. Who have laughed with me in the good times and cried with me in the bad times. I stick around here so that maybe I can one day return the kind friendship that was given so graciously to me in my great time of need.

Oh jeez!! Now Ive gone and shown my soft side......

P