I'm considering divorce...

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Well, that sucks..

Im sorry to hear things worked out this way for you - I hope the rest of your life has a happier path tho.

I'm curious tho - I guess from what you wrote she offered no explanation for her behaviour..was she sorry? Or just sorry she got caught?

I ask this because I know sometimes we need closure on these subjects and to know why; that and I'm nosy, and you offered

I had a happy life before (and for some time with) her, so I know that one cheater cannot end my world... or should I say, the second. I have been cheated on before, by a girlfriend. She didn't even try to make up for that, so I NEXT-ed her. I had told my wife about that; I also had made clear to her that, if she ever cheated on me, it would be the very end between us.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why she doesn't insist on making things right. She did try to change my mind by swearing that she would change completely. But I made it clear to her: I'm not interested in her anymore.

The events happened during these last few days. So it's still early to say how things will precipitate.

Onto your question, Jaylen. The fact is, I didn't ask for, nor would quite listen to, any explanation from her. She tried to, but her explanations were so poorly constructed I didn't even allow her to talk to me anymore. Instead, I (basically) told her that I know that part of the guilt rests on me... but also that I knew that, whatever I may have (not) done, I didn't deserve this.

I assure you, the proof is factual. She might explain, but it won't change much.

Yes, she was (and still is) sorry. I'm not sure if it's just because she knows that she has lost me for good, or also because of guilt, shame, whatever.

She said she loves me and I replied: "Such a funny, sick and perverse kind of love you have there!"

Basically, I'm next-ing her because she hasn't been faithful. I'm not the jealous type, far from that. I just don't need a cheater in my life, a person that fantasizes (among other things) to spend nights with other guys while on vacation with me, in the country we both came from... and she vividly professed those fantasies to the very guys she planned to cheat me with. This is just one actual example.

Basically, this girl is an "attention wh***" (sorry, I can't find a better word). I just hadn't realized that attention from other people is so very important to her...

She obviously has some issues and I don't blame you wanting to cut and run. However, if she is sincere and you both love each other, you should at least seek marriage counseling before going through a divorce. People can change their destructive behavior, but again if you just don't want to drag yourself through anymore emotional turmoil, I don't blame you.

Thank you all for your responses. Below are some clarifications from me.

rclouse, she works two jobs and attends school, and I don't believe she would care much to find time for counseling anyway.

Just want to point out that she obviously made time to be flirting with these other guys online so I'm sure she could make the time for counseling if she really is sorry and loves you.

[fine_print 0]

She obviously has some issues and I don't blame you wanting to cut and run. However, if she is sincere and you both love each other, you should at least seek marriage counseling before going through a divorce. People can change their destructive behavior, but again if you just don't want to drag yourself through anymore emotional turmoil, I don't blame you.

Thank you all for your responses. Below are some clarifications from me.

rclouse, she works two jobs and attends school, and I don't believe she would care much to find time for counseling anyway.

Just want to point out that she obviously made time to be flirting with these other guys online so I'm sure she could make the time for counseling if she really is sorry and loves you.

After I found out this week about her flirting, she indeed asked me to seek counseling together. Although I had thought about it before, my reply was "No." We never mentioned counseling or couples therapy in the past though.

Yes, she says she's sorry and that she still loves me. But I'm neither in love, nor interested in having to do with her anymore. I just need to cut my ties with her. It's her who needs therapy (this is not a derogatory thing to say, lots of good people need therapy to resolve inner issues). And I'm neither willing nor trained to become her psychiatrist.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

She obviously has some issues and I don't blame you wanting to cut and run. However, if she is sincere and you both love each other, you should at least seek marriage counseling before going through a divorce. People can change their destructive behavior, but again if you just don't want to drag yourself through anymore emotional turmoil, I don't blame you.

Thank you all for your responses. Below are some clarifications from me.

rclouse, she works two jobs and attends school, and I don't believe she would care much to find time for counseling anyway.

Just want to point out that she obviously made time to be flirting with these other guys online so I'm sure she could make the time for counseling if she really is sorry and loves you.

After I found out this week about her flirting, she indeed asked me to seek counseling together. Although I had thought about it before, my reply was "No." We never mentioned counseling or couples therapy in the past though.

Yes, she says she's sorry and that she still loves me. But I'm neither in love, nor interested in having to do with her anymore. I just need to cut my ties with her. It's her who needs therapy (this is not a derogatory thing to say, lots of good people need therapy to resolve inner issues). And I'm neither willing nor trained to become her psychiatrist.

I totally undertand that position. I was married to a woman for 15 years who had been severely abused as a child. I was only 18 when we began dating - very naive and optimistic, thinking that I'd be the ONE person who'd stand by her as she dealt with her issues. I finally had to walk away from that hurricane...it nearly destroyed me. I learned the hard way that you can't save somebody from themselves.

Edited June 29, 2006 by StevenJinky

[fine_print 0]

I totally undertand that position. I was married to a woman for 15 years who had been severely abused as a child. I was only 18 when we began dating - very naive and optimistic, thinking that I'd be the ONE person who'd stand by her as she dealt with her issues. I finally had to walk away from that hurricane...it nearly destroyed me. I learned the hard way that you can't save somebody from themselves.

Exactly. My wife has experienced some traumas in the past, as a child as well as during her teen years. Not from her family, but still... However, she is an exceptionally strong person and I think she had minimal damage... until now.

I am reevaluating her behavior during our time together and, with the tremendous amount of information I have gathered during the last few years (both related and unrelated to her case), I am almost completely convinced that past traumas haunt or, at least, change even the strongest people.

But as I said, I'm no psychiatrist. However, considering the kind of issues she's having, I'm seriously thinking of advising her to seek hypnotherapy.

Yeah, you may say I still care a bit about her. That's true. However, I'm trying to be wise and not get involved in those internal problems of her I can't affect anyway. In other words, I'm trying not to make her problems my own. As I have seen, the only right thing to do that -- with this particular girl -- is to leave her for good. I'm just an accessory for her.

Edited June 29, 2006 by fine_print

[iceyspots 0]

OP.. sorry to hear what's going on.. it's unfortunate you guys went through so much to get you here... I hope everything works out for the best

[Ban Hammer 12,880]

.... thinking that I'd be the ONE person who'd stand by her as she dealt with her issues. I finally had to walk away from that hurricane...it nearly destroyed me. I learned the hard way that you can't save somebody from themselves.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I totally undertand that position. I was married to a woman for 15 years who had been severely abused as a child. I was only 18 when we began dating - very naive and optimistic, thinking that I'd be the ONE person who'd stand by her as she dealt with her issues. I finally had to walk away from that hurricane...it nearly destroyed me. I learned the hard way that you can't save somebody from themselves.

Exactly. My wife has experienced some traumas in the past, as a child as well as during her teen years. Not from her family, but still... However, she is an exceptionally strong person and I think she had minimal damage... until now.

I am reevaluating her behavior during our time together and, with the tremendous amount of information I have gathered during the last few years (both related and unrelated to her case), I am almost completely convinced that past traumas haunt or, at least, change even the strongest people.

But as I said, I'm no psychiatrist. However, considering the kind of issues she's having, I'm seriously thinking of advising her to seek hypnotherapy.

Yeah, you may say I still care a bit about her. That's true. However, I'm trying to be wise and not get involved in those internal problems of her I can't affect anyway. In other words, I'm trying not to make her problems my own. As I have seen, the only right thing to do that -- with this particular girl -- is to leave her for good. I'm just an accessory for her.

After my divorce I swore to myself I wasn't going to date another woman who'd been abused (sorry if that sounds selfish but after 15 years of hell, I had no fight left in me). But sure enough, the next relationship I was in, my girlfriend revealed to me she was also sexually abused as a child. That relationship lasted for a couple of years. I questioned myself if I'm some kind of magnet to broken souls or if I have some unconscious attraction to them. As I've learned more about women and sexual abuse, nearly half of all women have been victims of some kind sexual abuse. I can't place a scarlett letter on the woman I'm with for what happened to her. But I'm cautious to look for those signs that could potentially destroy a relationship (lack of trust, honesty, being secretive, emotionally vacant, severe depression). I suppose we're all broken more or less, but it's matter of how much that brokenness limits our capacity to help create a healthy relationship. You may already intuitively see that she is incapable of just that - at least at this stage in her life. I'd trust your instincts in this case.

[almaty 19]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[KarenCee 3]

i must say here that not ALL women who've suffered abuse (sexual or otherwise) have "issues". i suffered abuse at the hands of my ex husband but i am a pretty well rounded individual and although it did cause me to be guarded with my emotions (i.e. of the next relationship...his character) i feel that i have some through what was done to me with my heart and soul intact. it's unfortunate how abuse affects some women...and even more unfortunate when it affects relationships. personally, i do believe that if you want to change how things like this affect you, you can...it IS possible. it's when the past is used to try and excuse one's behaviour that it becomes an "issue". hope this made some sort of sense.

[fine_print 0]

it's when the past is used to try and excuse one's behaviour that it becomes an "issue". hope this made some sort of sense.

It does make sense to me.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

i must say here that not ALL women who've suffered abuse (sexual or otherwise) have "issues". i suffered abuse at the hands of my ex husband but i am a pretty well rounded individual and although it did cause me to be guarded with my emotions (i.e. of the next relationship...his character) i feel that i have some through what was done to me with my heart and soul intact. it's unfortunate how abuse affects some women...and even more unfortunate when it affects relationships. personally, i do believe that if you want to change how things like this affect you, you can...it IS possible. it's when the past is used to try and excuse one's behaviour that it becomes an "issue". hope this made some sort of sense.

I hope I didn't leave that impression. In the OP's situation, it sounds like his wife does have issues that he recognizes (craves attention and will go to extremes to get it). That's pretty serious. I don't claim to be a psychologist, but that kind of behavior can destroy a relationship and in his case it did. All of us have 'issues', but it's a question as to whether we let those 'issues' come out in the form of behavior that is destructive to the relationship. It sounds like he recognizes it for what it is, senses that she's got a long road to recovery even if she is sincere and he's not willing to wait for her to get to where they can have a healthy relationship. At some point you have to take care of your own emotions. There's no point in rescuing someone from drowning if you both drown in the process.

[Ban Hammer 12,880]

i must say here that not ALL women who've suffered abuse (sexual or otherwise) have "issues". i suffered abuse at the hands of my ex husband but i am a pretty well rounded individual and although it did cause me to be guarded with my emotions (i.e. of the next relationship...his character) i feel that i have some through what was done to me with my heart and soul intact. it's unfortunate how abuse affects some women...and even more unfortunate when it affects relationships. personally, i do believe that if you want to change how things like this affect you, you can...it IS possible. it's when the past is used to try and excuse one's behaviour that it becomes an "issue". hope this made some sort of sense.

I hope I didn't leave that impression. In the OP's situation, it sounds like his wife does have issues that he recognizes (craves attention and will go to extremes to get it). That's pretty serious. I don't claim to be a psychologist, but that kind of behavior can destroy a relationship and in his case it did. All of us have 'issues', but it's a question as to whether we let those 'issues' come out in the form of behavior that is destructive to the relationship. It sounds like he recognizes it for what it is, senses that she's got a long road to recovery even if she is sincere and he's not willing to wait for her to get to where they can have a healthy relationship. At some point you have to take care of your own emotions. There's no point in rescuing someone from drowning if you both drown in the process.

amen to that

sometimes the blind refuse to see, so not much can be done for them. they don't hand out sainthood to abused spouses either.

[KarenCee 3]

thank god for that....i surely don't want the title "saint" attached to MY name!

[fine_print 0]

I hope I didn't leave that impression. In the OP's situation, it sounds like his wife does have issues that he recognizes (craves attention and will go to extremes to get it). That's pretty serious. I don't claim to be a psychologist, but that kind of behavior can destroy a relationship and in his case it did. All of us have 'issues', but it's a question as to whether we let those 'issues' come out in the form of behavior that is destructive to the relationship. It sounds like he recognizes it for what it is, senses that she's got a long road to recovery even if she is sincere and he's not willing to wait for her to get to where they can have a healthy relationship. At some point you have to take care of your own emotions. There's no point in rescuing someone from drowning if you both drown in the process.

amen to that

+1

Steven, I couldn't have said better! Your last post is pure gold!

Edited June 30, 2006 by fine_print

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I hope I didn't leave that impression. In the OP's situation, it sounds like his wife does have issues that he recognizes (craves attention and will go to extremes to get it). That's pretty serious. I don't claim to be a psychologist, but that kind of behavior can destroy a relationship and in his case it did. All of us have 'issues', but it's a question as to whether we let those 'issues' come out in the form of behavior that is destructive to the relationship. It sounds like he recognizes it for what it is, senses that she's got a long road to recovery even if she is sincere and he's not willing to wait for her to get to where they can have a healthy relationship. At some point you have to take care of your own emotions. There's no point in rescuing someone from drowning if you both drown in the process.

amen to that

+1

Steven, I couldn't have said better! Your last post is pure gold!

I'm not the same naive, optimistic 18 year old I once was...for better or worse...

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards." -- Unknown