Women,does your spouse help you with finances for the visa process or are you doing it alone?

[Tree 0]

Hello! I am the female, US citizen and he is the Pakistani citizen awaiting an NOA2. Ok, my question is did any of your spouses help out with the financial side of the visa processing or did you have to do it alone? My spouse kept telling me he would send $ to help, but he never did. He has been saying he would send $120 (which I consider a modest amount but I thought it'd be nice for him to help me atleast to show he cared) but he has not sent me one penny. I feel hurt, but I know he does not have a lot of $ in American terms. But, he did tell me he'd do it but then never does so it makes me feel he is ungrateful because I have kids and he always says I never call him, etc. But, all my $ is invested in the lawyer and this immigration process. Also, in Islam the man is supposed to take care of the woman; not the other way around. My dad says he is not a "fit" husband and that when he gets here he will want me to take care of him and he feels I have married the wrong man. So, I need advice here especially from females....because I think men are the ones paying for their wives expenses here anyway. But, for the women are you paying for your man's expenses or is helping you out? Please reply ASAP!

Mahitab

Hi Dream!

I paid for the lawyer and the I-130 fee. From here on out I am expecting my Husband to pay for the rest as I have put my portion of the money in. The way I see it as, he needs to contribute his half to be here with me! Both of our husbands are from the same country, I know money is hard to earn there, but I think he should be paying for at least half of the visa costs! And you are correct in Islam the husband should be supporting the wife! I would understand if he cant support you now, but when he gets the USA he should most defiantly support you, till then he should contribute paying for the visa, after all the visa is for him, there should be no reason why he shouldn't pay!

[rahi 0]

We were a K-1. I paid for everything in the US. He paid for everything he had to have in Jamaica. When he came and we AOS, I paid it all cause he couldn't work yet. We just filed LOC and it's definately intermingled finances now.

Oh, ok. So, it is common. Almost everyone is paying the I-130/I-129 and then the spouse makes up for it later after he arrives. Ok, I get it. Well, I just feel my spouse does not appreciate it. I will make sure he pays everything on his side because I will not be able to compensate him for all of that I still owe a retainer fee to the lawyer.

M.

hi mahitab ,

i appreciate your curtesy towards your family (husband)

iam a guy and iam a muslim,

i want to tell you something this is not advice but just my take on the problem.

i think husband and wife should not be judging each other basing on one practise at a particular point of time in life.

it would be good if you let him come here and then observe whether he does something for you when he earns

something here as you always know that affording dollars in rupees will be a little hefty for someone in pakistan.

but i definitely buy your point, there are certainly some families or family members of the guy who will always want any financial burden to be beared by the girls family and the girl which is un islamic and haram.

but as you are married to him, you have to give him a chance and time and then try to make the point to him that he is unreasonable in his thinking towards you regarding financial matters.

he may be good though in some other issues like character and respect and love towards you, but i dont think any one can come to a conclusion in a relationship like marriage basing only on one point.

so, keep your cool and pray to God.

time will be solution for everything and difficult times bring in good times always.

good luck for you.

thank you.

[MaxOnline 0]

You, Mahitab, The Pakistani Original poster, I think you're messed up in the head... he's is Pakistani in Pakistan which a damn poor country, living a low quality of life. 1 USD =75.80 PKR so $355 (form I-130 fees) is like a fortune for him... you've married him and you know his financial condition.. so you can't complain now, the thing is that Pakistani women want to marry men who are financially set, so they don't have to work and make money 'cause their men are going to take care of their needs... Obviously it's hard to find a man who lives in Pakistan which fulfills this requirement, so you should've looked for a husband within the US! but here we go again, many Pakistani girls prefer a non-Americanized PAKISTANI guy, so they go and marry in Pakistan!!!

my point is it's not a shame to support your husband, someday he'll work and provide for you and the family, if you love him as you really say so support him unconditionally, stop listening to your dad or your mom or whoever is telling you he's not a FIT husband just because he's not rich....

Edited September 11, 2008 by MaxOnline

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I personally agree with the statement someone made about who is equipped to pay, should.. The fees are already paid. if you cant afford the calls ect ect. You could tell him that and then make him accountable for calling you... just an idea ???

It seems a pretty common experience that the USC pays for the visa fees and then its "made up" once the spouse starts working here.

If you are already feeling resentful, you should definatly talk to him about it. A small resentment can turn into a big deal if its not dealt with. He probably feels bad enough about it, because he should be supporting his wife but cannot.

If I asked for anything, my husband would send whatever he could right away.

Talk to him

Lisa

Edited September 11, 2008 by Y_habibitk

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I just wanted to add... I hope he doesnt see this honey.

Take a breath, I dont think he is taking advantage of you. He's probably doing the best he can.

((mahitab))

[DanielParul 50]

Daniel paid for the lawyer fees, very expensive engagement and wedding rings, his 3 trips to India (ofcourse, in India, he stayed at home with me and I paid for the usual groceries and we both paid the going outs etc), He bought my plane ticket coz he wanted to and sent me money sometimes so I could shop I paid for all that I was required to pay in Delhi for the visa, I also paid the phone bills with a little occasional help from him (we worked it out so he would give me a ring and I would call him, it was a lot cheaper calling from India, was still like $1500 a month for him, cost me abt $500). We just did it together and did not think of who's doing how much. Whoever could do it, did it.

Now that I am here and pregnant too, he does not want me to work till he's back from his deployment and can spend sometime pampering me and making up for all the lost time, so he's the one taking care of everything financially. Thats how it is - Us together not him and I separate.

Edited September 11, 2008 by DanielParul

[rue2you 0]

WOW. Lots of good reading, lots of good advice and good takes.

I think if HE says something HE should do it or explain why he's not or can't do it. Marriage is a 50-50 deal and it should be fun. Maybe not all the time but most. My wife get's anxious if we don't talk enough on the phone......it's tough on both.

I think dreamlove may be done........or at least trying to get us to convince her of that..............

Best of luck!

[Todd-Leah 0]

My husband paid the $355 filing fee for I-130.

He didn't send me money in the past. However, he has given me about $7-8k since Mar 08 to pay my medical bills and to help out after I stop working full time.

Though I have some savings and could have paid the bills myself, I asked him to help out.

I saved most of the money he gave me and used it to pay the $400 IV fee, the flight which cost $900+ one way and may also use some of it to buy souvenirs for his parents and brother. The balance will be a nice "emergency fund". I also know he would have otherwise spent on toys if I didn't ask him to give me some. :-)

Leah

[happyinlove012408 0]

I paid for every part of the process except when he had to get a passport, police record, marriage certificate and birth certificate which he also had to certify that added to the costs and all the mailings he does to me DHL or EMS which can all be added to over $2000.00 ETB which is $200 or up to $300. It is all worth it because he also paid for everything when I went to visit. I just can't wait to see him again. He always says that he will take care of me when he gets here but I don't feel comfortable to have him work and me rest all the time although that sounds good for couple of weeks though. Hang in there. Good luck with everything.

[HoneySkin 0]

Kudos to you "gogo"...you are one very supportive husband and she is one lucky wife. I wish my faincee would be like that when we are finally husband and wife. To share my unsolicited opinion, now that we are in the new millenium, men and women have the equal opportunity to bring home the bacon and support the family's financial need - with price of everything getting higher by the day. in my case, we both pay for our expenses "independently" when it comes to the successful processing of our K1 papers. He pays for the expense requirements on his side while i handle the expenses on my side. I am employed so i cover expenses that I "can" afford. I would only call for my faincee's help if i cant afford it anymore. Fortunately, i have saved little by little in the past and the money helped with my needs today. It is ideal that husbands should provide for the wives but it gives an added dignity to the wife, if she can be financially independent. I would always prefer to be financially independent because there are things that i want to do like gym membership to stay fit for my husband; and buy a few nice things for my husband; and of course for each side of our families Hope this helps.

[sara..... 371]

i guess i will get hammed on this reply but i just cant help myself..........u have been to Pakistan u have seen what the country and the economy is like........about all most Pakistani have is pride.......when u marry someone from over seas from a third world country most of us not all of us but most of us know that likely hood is we will pay the fees for the visa and the process..........accounting every dollar spent does not help anything........u see if u do something for someone because u love them there is no need to tell them everything u have spent on them it makes it seem like u want them to be so thankful that u did that and want praise for it.........im sure that he would love to send u money but in reality it prolly set him and his family back a lot for ur wedding.......most families come together to provide what is needed at the moment and ur wedding was needed did u ask him how he managed to pay for it and thank him for what ever he had to go thru to make that beautiful wedding happen? How many loans did he have to take to give u that beautiful wedding?.......marraige is about giving of each other not about what one person gives and the other does not........he calls u every day.....im sure that is about five or ten dollars in our money and how much in theirs? what he spends on phone calls to u each day could feed him for two days time right?..........when he promises to send u money did u ever think that he cant refuse u and tries to find the way but just cant........its very hard for any man i dont care what country he is from to have to admit to the one they love that they cant provide what their wife needs.....u should talk to him about these things i bet there is more to what he is going thru than u know.......how would u feel if he came on the forum and said i spent this this and this on the wedding and for her air fare to help her get here and her stay and she does not even act like she cares how hard it was for me?........he loves u so he would never make u feel ashamed from what i can see from what u have written not one sentence about him stating what he has done ........but i bet it breaks his heart knowing inside what he had to do to give u what every he has while u where there and then u turn on him with out talking this thru and tell him to read what is on the forum..........i would be devastated not just angry.........

u need to talk to him about all of this but remember he also has pride and a heart..........good luck to u and i hope it all works out for u

sara

[HoneySkin 0]

Maybe i should ask for reimbursement after my faincee and I are married - just joking

[Completely 3]

Hello! I am the female, US citizen and he is the Pakistani citizen awaiting an NOA2. Ok, my question is did any of your spouses help out with the financial side of the visa processing or did you have to do it alone? My spouse kept telling me he would send $ to help, but he never did. He has been saying he would send $120 (which I consider a modest amount but I thought it'd be nice for him to help me atleast to show he cared) but he has not sent me one penny. I feel hurt, but I know he does not have a lot of $ in American terms. But, he did tell me he'd do it but then never does so it makes me feel he is ungrateful because I have kids and he always says I never call him, etc. But, all my $ is invested in the lawyer and this immigration process. Also, in Islam the man is supposed to take care of the woman; not the other way around. My dad says he is not a "fit" husband and that when he gets here he will want me to take care of him and he feels I have married the wrong man. So, I need advice here especially from females....because I think men are the ones paying for their wives expenses here anyway. But, for the women are you paying for your man's expenses or is helping you out? Please reply ASAP!

Mahitab

You should know the consequences before you married him.. Sometimes we can not always live in Fantasy.. we need to live in reality..

You cant expect what you believe to your other half.. If this is an issue now, what more will happen if he arrive there...? Support him maybe in the first year till he get established???

Well, maybe I am playing a devil's advocate but I am just telling the truth..

[gogo 6]

Thank you HoneySkin! haha, yeah, I gave her homework to do already.. straight from the government website for now.. US HISTORY.. starting from all the way from George Washington to President Bush.. so she can at least learn more new words.. sometimes she gets frustrated (especially at the beginning), but I always try to encourage her.. tell her that as long as she learned 1 new word.. even if it takes a whole day.. her level just went up.. besides, no one knows all the words in the dictionary by heart.. that is why there are substitute words for almost everything.. =) a lot of things mean the same thing, so it's easier (not like Chinese).. well, anyway, her english has improved a lot these last few years (with me teaching her when I get home from work at night).. we sit on the webcam and just talk through the lesson.. going over the hard vocabulary words and everything else she doesn't understand.. I find pictures or descriptions on the web and we just go over what she learned..

http://usinfo.state.gov/products/pubs/histryotln/

(takes her about 2-3 days per chapter).. that's fine, as long as she is improving.. if she only just learned 1 new word, I say to her: "that's one more than yesterday, so it's worth it"....I know that she will improve really fast once she gets here.. but I want her to be prepared for life and also the school here as well.. besides, our (and everyone else's) family will depend on TWO PEOPLE, not just one.. so I will take the burden for now (govt job and everything so I'm good).. and I will "train" and help her to become the second pillar..

Kudos to you "gogo"...you are one very supportive husband and she is one lucky wife. I wish my faincee would be like that when we are finally husband and wife. To share my unsolicited opinion, now that we are in the new millenium, men and women have the equal opportunity to bring home the bacon and support the family's financial need - with price of everything getting higher by the day. in my case, we both pay for our expenses "independently" when it comes to the successful processing of our K1 papers. He pays for the expense requirements on his side while i handle the expenses on my side. I am employed so i cover expenses that I "can" afford. I would only call for my faincee's help if i cant afford it anymore. Fortunately, i have saved little by little in the past and the money helped with my needs today. It is ideal that husbands should provide for the wives but it gives an added dignity to the wife, if she can be financially independent. I would always prefer to be financially independent because there are things that i want to do like gym membership to stay fit for my husband; and buy a few nice things for my husband; and of course for each side of our families Hope this helps.

Edited September 11, 2008 by gogo

[Todd-Leah 0]

Thank you HoneySkin! haha, yeah, I gave her homework to do already.. straight from the government website for now.. US HISTORY.. starting from all the way from George Washington to President Bush.. so she can at least learn more new words.. sometimes she gets frustrated (especially at the beginning), but I always try to encourage her.. tell her that as long as she learned 1 new word.. even if it takes a whole day.. her level just went up.. besides, no one knows all the words in the dictionary by heart.. that is why there are substitute words for almost everything.. =) a lot of things mean the same thing, so it's easier (not like Chinese).. well, anyway, her english has improved a lot these last few years (with me teaching her when I get home from work at night).. we sit on the webcam and just talk through the lesson.. going over the hard vocabulary words and everything else she doesn't understand.. I find pictures or descriptions on the web and we just go over what she learned..

http://usinfo.state.gov/products/pubs/histryotln/

(takes her about 2-3 days per chapter).. that's fine, as long as she is improving.. if she only just learned 1 new word, I say to her: "that's one more than yesterday, so it's worth it"....I know that she will improve really fast once she gets here.. but I want her to be prepared for life and also the school here as well.. besides, our (and everyone else's) family will depend on TWO PEOPLE, not just one.. so I will take the burden for now (govt job and everything so I'm good).. and I will "train" and help her to become the second pillar..

Hey, Gogo, stray a little from the thread, I just want to share with you a program that helped me to improve my English. I have also used it to help other ESL learners, adults and children. It's called "Spell to Write and Read"

More info here: http://swrtraining.com/

You can talk to the webmaster Liz FitzGerald or the author Wanda Sanseri, both of them have used the program for adult ESL learners.

No, I don't get a kickback telling you about the program. :-)

Leah