advices needed please

[newlife usa 0]

HELLO vj familly i am new member came from one of MENA countries awhile ago just wanted to share with my experience and seek advices about my case!!!

my wife has kids and we knew each other about 2 years before i come to usa ,she was really nice person , caring , loving and very nice girl , she had all what any man wants in his wife . we have baby girl togther she is very cute

i really wanted her to come to stay in my country cause there i have very good decent job and house but she said she can't cause of her kids and we agreed we will move after they are older, i have lovly familly in my country they really liked her as she was very nice and i always wanted her to look good in thier eyes just not to worry about me when i move to usa and also i like my familly to respect my wife even she has her fault and no one is angel but i always tried to make her look perfect for them . we almost talked about every thing beore i come and hat i like and what i dont like and what make me mad and we agreed our life will be shared and supporting for each other .

before i come to usa and after we got married in my country she went back to usa and after awhile she told me her ex will stay with her in the house to take care of his kids and also he will pay her money as rent cause she was't make enough money for sure i was completly against that but i trust her so much too , she said she have to right now till i come to usa , honestly that was killing me whenever i think about it for sure i told no body about that but hold it in my chest and said nothing about it .

when i get my visa i wanted to wait till i get money for my immigration papers after i move to usa as i am K3 when i told her that she was so mad and she wanted me to go ASP . so i came few days after get the visa ,

after i came here i found another person always say F word and bad words even to her kids . her kids are hyper yes i know she have kids but never thought they will be this way always rude to me calling me A## and rude and alot of bad words and she do nothing with them , she have 4 kids and our daughter so it is all 5 and guess what she wanted another baby i told her WHAT!!!! I AM NOT READY TO HAVE MORE BABY NOW.

she said well so you need to leave and go to your country i was surpised from the way she treating me as she was very nice before and then she said if you left me you will never see your baby again and she will move to another state and i will never found her .

and i was really going back to my country , she really hurt me and my bride then she came crying and say i am sorry and she love me so i stayed to make our marriage working. when i came she was't working she said she need to take care of the baby i tried to hard to find work any kind of work but it was hard just to get some papers done like SS and it take time , every time we faught she say that i wont see my baby again and she will make sure that i wont come to usa again and she will lie to immigration say that i hit her

i just give it chances for my baby and for her , then finally i found work it is hard work but at least it pays checks to pay the bills . when i told her she need to work as the bills is over 2000 she said she wont work she have kids so how i will work and pay all this bills myself even i work 2 jobs i wont be able to pay it !!!

felt like she just married me to pay the bills and thats only my role in the life and she just stay home even after i come back from work she not cooking and house is the mess so how she take care of the house and the kids?

i thought 100 times to go to my country but what about my baby how i will see her and take care of her??? thats killing me. i dont claim to be perfect and every one has his fault but i felt like i get trapped and she use my baby now against her to keep me and pay her bills while she is't working and i hear all the time if you are not working so you wont stay in my house so since all hers like her house her computer her phone so why i have to pay all this bills since i can be out any time

i dont want to look like victime and i dont want pity i need advices about my right for my baby here in usa and about what the laws say

thanks for advices

Edited July 12, 2008 by newlife usa

[S and S 12]

I'm really sorry for your troubles. I wish I could give some good advice, but I have no kids yet myself though I hope someday soon inshallah. I am sure there are other people on this forum that can give you some advice to help you. Good luck in your marriage. I hope somehow things can be worked out for the best for you, your wife, and your daughter.

Edited July 13, 2008 by S and S

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Oh, I am so sorry you are having such a bad experience. You have come all of this way and had every right to expect that your marriage would be a happy one, not like you are being used. You say your wife isn't a bad person, but things are very disorganized and undisciplined and it sounds like neither of you are happy. You remind me of two horses who are yoked together to a wagon - one pulling in one direction, the other pulling in the other direction and both going at two different speeds. You need someway to get the two of you working together to pull that wagon. Would your wife be willing to go with you to a marriage counselor? You can look around and try and find some sort of agency that offers free or inexpensive counseling. I hope, that if the two of you are able to learn better how to support each other, your marriage may become better. It is definitely not fair of her to threaten you with the loss of your child - that is fighting dirty. Perhaps going to a counselor together will help her see how the two of you can have a better and happier marriage. Good luck to you both - and I am so sorry that you are so unhappy.

Edited July 13, 2008 by Kathryn41

[bhajishah 4]

Salaam i see you are from Jordon.......

well you took on those kids and her so you obligated to pay the bills, you know the routine same as back home eh?? She is abusive and you cannot control her. So ball in your field threaten divorce, and then move out for awhile. pay only support for your kid. then you by law will able to see your baby. threaten to file the abuse to immigrant . its new law. tell her straighten ####### up, be decent wife and homemaker. keep allother men out of your house and play by your rules or its gonna be custody fight to the hell. b coz you dont want your beautiful daughter growing up in that shitz environment!! Go get pro bonon lawyer legal aid. make her foot any bills from govt sources..Tell her you sorry you have to play hard ball. but she left you know choice. Grow a set a be a real muslim grown azz man

[Nutty 2]

I am sorry for your situation. Please know not all American woman are so selfish or controlling. Be sure, your wife uses the baby to control you and it is not fair.

(Personally, in my opinion if she stays home and does not work, the house should be spotless!)

It is important you are recognized as the father of your baby if you want to have rights as a parent. Are you listed as the father on the baby's birth certificate? You should be.

If you do divorce your wife, hire a good lawyer to negotiate your rights over who will have custody over the child. Usually custody is shared between mother and father. You will have to pay child support to the mother if she has primary custody in taking care of the baby.

[lion_lioness 0]

Salam brother,

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. The adjustment here is not easy for you nor the U.S. spouse. However, abuse in either case is NOT acceptable and I have heard many stories of people (men and women) suffering from abuse. You are not a money pit and if you were not here how would your wife manage with 4 children already? I'm with an earlier post. If she threatens you, then perhaps leaving for a day or two (if you have a place to go) ay not hurt. In the mean, God willing your marriage will work out. Continue to do all you can to keep the family together.

My husband is from Jordan also. I work full time - just as many hours as he does, a part time student, the house is 85% clean 99% of the time and I am a mother (child from previous marriage). Lastly, I make it a point to cook a hot meal 2-3 times per week. I'm not perfect by any means, but you do what you must. If you would like to chat with a brother from Jordan - just pm me, I'm sure my husband would not mind talking to you.

In either case - best to you and I pray you can keep your family together.

LL

Edited July 14, 2008 by lion_lioness

[warriorprincess 0]

That just sucks. It seems as thought she is not the person you thought she was, that her true colors are now showing. It's not right that she curses her kids. It's just not right. I am sure this is not life you expected when you moved to the US. Please know that not all American women are like that. She seems rather selfish and uncaring to me. She is not setting a good example at all. If I seem too harsh it's because it's not right what she's doing. She can't control the kids she has and she wants more. She has 5 already, and that includes your daughter! This must be so hard for you. And she is using your child to control you. That is just terrible. NO good parent uses their child to hurt their spouse. You need to seek advice on this from a good lawyer. Fathers do have rights you know. Then she tells you to go back to your country if you don't want to give her more kids! You say that you are concened about your daughter, but really need to decide if this is the woman you want to be with and if this is the life you want. It seems as thought she misrepresented herself to you from the beginning and that is just wrong. It could be her true colors are now showing. She is also threatening to tell immigration that you abused her! Wow!!! That is really low. It seems like she only wants to control you, for you to do what she wants. I would advise you to be careful because she can send you back to your country. She knows that and that is why she is acting the way she is. She knows that she has the power and clealy she is abusing it. You have to decide what you want for yourself and your daughter. I wish you all the best.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Oh, I am so sorry you are having such a bad experience. You have come all of this way and had every right to expect that your marriage would be a happy one, not like you are being used. You say your wife isn't a bad person, but things are very disorganized and undisciplined and it sounds like neither of you are happy. You remind me of two horses who are yoked together to a wagon - one pulling in one direction, the other pulling in the other direction and both going at two different speeds. You need someway to get the two of you working together to pull that wagon. Would your wife be willing to go with you to a marriage counselor? You can look around and try and find some sort of agency that offers free or inexpensive counseling. I hope, that if the two of you are able to learn better how to support each other, your marriage may become better. It is definitely not fair of her to threaten you with the loss of your child - that is fighting dirty. Perhaps going to a counselor together will help her see how the two of you can have a better and happier marriage. Good luck to you both - and I am so sorry that you are so unhappy.

I think this is good advise and the analogy is great.

It sounds like there were unrealistic expectations. Walking into an established family unit is a difficult thing to do. Different parenting styles can bring strain all on their own, coupled with the relationship issues this sounds lik a nightmare. She is obviously unhappy as well, this may have nothing to do with you at all... some people are just more comfortable being unhappy.

Maybe along with marriage counseling, you guys can seek some parenting classes. Your wife may not know any better(i know, but some people just arent cut out to parent and they need help) There are programs in a lot of states that offer parenting classes for free. If you guys can start working together and remove some of the resentments and expectaions that were set up intially, maybe you can work this out? If you want to try to make it work.. get online and look for help please.

Im sorry I have no legal advise other than you do have rights as a father.

Good luck and I hope you find some peace with this situation.

Lisa

[Hanna&Mohamed 0]

I was reading this topic and thinking what to write . Just remember there are always 2 sides to a story.Im sure his wife is not this bad! In every relationship there are problems and yes going to counseling would be good for the couple. Im sure its also hard for the children to have a step-father also.Things in the home have changed so much for everyone!!I wish them Good Luck!~

[S and S 12]

One question I have is if the other father is paying his child support. He should be which would offer more income to help your family. By law he must pay a certain amount for each child. You should not have to be paying for everything when it is not even your children except your daughter.

If things don't seem to be getting better then you should start documenting things. Take pictures of the house and how dirty it is. Get video of the children saying bad words. These are things you can use in court to show she is not keeping her children in a good environment. Otherwise, you will lose. Mothers usually get custody in the United States.

[Asante Maroon 0]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Its unfortunate that there are selfish people in the world like this. I wish you all the best.

[Hanna&Mohamed 0]

Im sure the father of the children are paying child support. Yes mother's do get custody of the children and him being from a different country its hard in the court systems . Alot of times its hard to get visitation by ur self.I know from some friends .

[Hanna&Mohamed 0]

I really think this should be closed a man talking about his family life .How could a man talk about his wife like this and love her so much!