Sadness in leaving family

[JKD_88 0]

I'm not sure if I posted this in the right place but I really need some advice. As you can see by my timeline we were finally approved and on the 17th we'll be flying back to my home in Miami. My fiance is really upset about leaving her family, especially her mother, they are VERY close. I know this is normal but...and I don't want to seem like I'm asking too much but it1s just that I would love to see some enthusiasm on her part as well, some excitement, some happiness, but I get nothing. I was wondering what all of your experiences were like, what was it like? How did you and your fiance react to your fiance leaving their family behind? I'd really appreciate some advice, is a little happiness really too much to ask, I don't want to seem like a jerk.

Thank you.

[DARUMA07 25]

My wife came here a year ago today! There are times that she really gets homesick for her family back in the Philippines. I don't even try to take it personal, because I know she sacraficed alot just to be with me. Your Fiancee will go through alot of adjustments and she will sometimes act like she doesn't even want to be here. Try to be understanding and give her all the empathy that you are able to give her. As far as her lack of excitement right now is probably due to her knowing that she is going to be very far away from her mother. Talk to her about what she is feeling and you shoud tell her how your feeling too. Give it some time and you will notice that the longer she is here the more comfortable she is being away from her family. As time goes by she will depend more on you for emotional support and less from her family back in Brazil.. I am sure there are others here that can give you more advice, but I just wanted to share with you what I had to go through.... Hang in there!!!

[catrocks 0]

In the few days before I left I was terrified and very upset to be leaving my family. I thought there was something wrong with me that I wasn't excited to be leaving to go live with and marry my man, and I worried I might be doing the wrong thing. I now think this is totally normal. Once I was with him in the US I was so happy and glad to finally be with him. The first few weeks were total bliss at being together. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I have thought I made a mistake by moving over here.

You have to understand that there is SO much going on and so much change for your fiancee right now. Especially if she is close with her mother. I understand what you're saying but I'd tell you not to assume that she is not excited and happy to be coming to live with you finally. It's just that right now all she can probably think is OH MY GOD i am moving to a strange country in a few days and leaving my mother and my home and my family. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or that she doesn't want to be with you.

There will probably be moments over the first few years when she gets depressed about being so far from her former home and her family. I know it's a huge change for you too. But as long as you both communicate your worries or fears to each other you will help each other through.

About a month after I moved here my husband totally broke down crying from thinking about how we were separated by so many miles for so long and for me having to leave my family to be with him. But at the end of the day, I wouldn't, and your fiancee wouldn't have gone through all that long distance and immigration stuff if we didn't really want to be with the men we love. Just hang in there, let her grieve for her previous life, and I bet you she'll be ecstatic to finally be with you once she gets here.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

She is showing you the biggest support she can at this time - she is actually leaving her family and her whole life as she knows it, for you. Right now she is more focused on what she is losing because that is the most imminent. You want her to focus on what she is gaining. That is normal. You, however, are not facing the loss and displacement of everything you have ever known in your whole life, moving thousands of miles away from your family and friends. She is. You are focused on what you are gaining and want her to share your point of view and happiness. For her, happiness will be a two edged sword - she has to 'lose' something to 'gain' something. So, right now it is not about you as much as you would like it to be and you would be asking too much of her to expect her to see only what she is gaining. Think about her right now and give her your full support and understanding. Don't try to rationalize your point of view. Just listen to her, empathize with her, hug her and tell her you know how difficult it is and you love her for making such a difficult choice for you. You will have her the rest of her life. You can be generous now as she comes to terms with leaving her world behind to enter yours. She has to grieve - it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you and won't be happy with you, but you have to be reasonable in your expectations. If you are not able to see this now, you will be in for a rough time as the two of you try to adapt to your new lives together. Good luck to you both.

Edited June 16, 2008 by Kathryn41

[sweetpink 1]

I'm not sure if I posted this in the right place but I really need some advice. As you can see by my timeline we were finally approved and on the 17th we'll be flying back to my home in Miami. My fiance is really upset about leaving her family, especially her mother, they are VERY close. I know this is normal but...and I don't want to seem like I'm asking too much but it1s just that I would love to see some enthusiasm on her part as well, some excitement, some happiness, but I get nothing. I was wondering what all of your experiences were like, what was it like? How did you and your fiance react to your fiance leaving their family behind? I'd really appreciate some advice, is a little happiness really too much to ask, I don't want to seem like a jerk.

Thank you.

My mom and brother is all I have in this world until I met my husband. I have never been away with my family this far and even at the age of 26 I still slept with my mom and brother in one room, it may sound ridiculous but I guess it's about the feeling of being loved and secure when she's around. My mom was always there to cater my needs from preparing meals before and after she's coming home from work to doing my laundry...yes I am my mom's princess and always be here little girl. It was never easy on her part to let me go too but she always looks after of what makes me happy. I miss my family with all my heart AND I love my husband so much. Sure there are teary days out of tough adjustments, I am not just thousand of miles away from them but it was totally a new culture and environment for me but my hubby is always there to give me a comforting arms to give an assurance that everything's gonna be fine. And I make it sure to have a webcam chat with my family once a week and phone calls.

I'm sure your fiancee really does love you and never doubt that. I'm sure she's just scared of the new chapter of her life that she'll be facing, just keep the communication open between the 2 of you and never get tired of giving her an assurance of security and love.

Good luck!

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

I am sure she is feeling a huge range of emotions right now. But the thing that is pressing mostly on her mind is leaving her family. I did it over a year ago and it was horrible. I felt so happy to be with Glyn finally, but crushed and miserable that I was leaving behind my family. Now, Glyn must do it. He is very excited but again...miserable. I can see the sadness in his eyes when he talks with his mum. He feels horrible. He told me last night he was a terrible person...exact words I used last year about myself. I just reminded him that he wasn't. He would be terrible if he didn't feel sadness and he left without any plans of ever seeing his family again. The fact that he is sad makes him human.

Give her time. She is truly happy to be with you and truly loves you or she would not be doing what she is by leaving everything she knows behind to be with you.

You are not a jerk, you just don't get the emotions she is suffering with right now.

[stardusted 0]

She is showing you the biggest support she can at this time - she is actually leaving her family and her whole life as she knows it, for you. Right now she is more focused on what she is losing because that is the most imminent. You want her to focus on what she is gaining. That is normal. You, however, are not facing the loss and displacement of everything you have ever known in your whole life, moving thousands of miles away from your family and friends. She is. You are focused on what you are gaining and want her to share your point of view and happiness. For her, happiness will be a two edged sword - she has to 'lose' something to 'gain' something. So, right now it is not about you as much as you would like it to be and you would be asking too much of her to expect her to see only what she is gaining. Think about her right now and give her your full support and understanding. Don't try to rationalize your point of view. Just listen to her, empathize with her, hug her and tell her you know how difficult it is and you love her for making such a difficult choice for you. You will have her the rest of her life. You can be generous now as she comes to terms with leaving her world behind to enter yours. She has to grieve - it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you and won't be happy with you, but you have to be reasonable in your expectations. If you are not able to see this now, you will be in for a rough time as the two of you try to adapt to your new lives together. Good luck to you both.

This is so well-written it makes me want to cry. Because this is what I did, and what I will do again soon. I am incredibly close to my parents and am so tired of having to pick and choose between the family I love and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Chris understood, when I moved, that I would not be happy right away, that I would cry and be homesick and feel miserable for a time, and I appreciated that so very, very much. I was not able to worry about my feelings and Chris's and he understood that, accepted that, and took care of me. Like Kathryn41 said--moving away from my family and changing my entire life was the biggest sign of commitment I could have ever offered. He knew that.

[JKD_88 0]

Thank you all sooooooo much, all your stories have helped me tremendously and definately calmed me down especially daruma and catrocks, both of your stories calmed me down and gave me hope. Thank you so much.

[Jeraly 4]

I'd just like to add - I am moving in two weeks and it is all I can talk about - at this rate I think my family will be glad to get rid of me because I keep on and on repeating myself ><

I am freaking out. I know I am making the right decision and I am soooo excited. But it doesn't mean I am not terrified at the same time. I am most worried about the physical act of saying goodbye - I know when I am there I will be fine, although I will get homesick. But I know it is going to be so sad leaving my family behind - again, especially my mum as we are very close as well

I just try to keep telling myself that it will all work out ok in the end I just have to try and keep my head together for this next two weeks... man it is so close I want to puke ><

[Michael and Milahjean 0]

JKD_88,

I hope that I've correctly attached the link to an earlier topic I started a year ago. Sorry about the loads of text with no new paragraphs, but toward the bottom of the initial post you may find something of interest. If the link didn't work, check our profile and look for the Adjusting to America topic from April 2007. Believe me, it was VERY hard to leave my asawa's family. In the months since, she's adjusted so well. We are now 3 weeks away from due date of our precious little girl!!!.

Michael and Milah Jean

adjusting to america

[JKD_88 0]

To Jeraly: lol that's funny but honestly I wish my fiance was like that, talking about it more, showing a bit of excitement but I understand that everyone is different. The main vibe I've gotten from everyone here is that once they arrive everything gets better, that's what I'm hoping for. Good luck to you

To Michael and Mila: Thank you I'm definately beginning to get a grasp on this. Oh, sorry but the link didn't work but I'll check it out on your profile.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

I was just thinking about when I came to the UK last year. I remember trying my hardest to stay excited...but I couldn't get past the sadness. My honest feelings were I just wanted to go. The waiting to leave was the worst knowing all the sadness that was going to pour out on the actual day. Plus there were people that I had to say goodbye to for about two weeks up to my trip. Close family and friends that weren't seeing me off I had to find time to go and see one last time. It was really rough. Once I left, I was sad but excited. Homesickness hit me hard about two weeks after I landed. I had times when I would be out food shopping with Glyn and I would just burst into tears because EVERYTHING was different here. Poor Glyn didn't know what to do for me. It took me months to finally feel like I fit in. I went through a bad depression. I did come out of it eventually...lol...and then Glyn decided we should move to the States.

Be as patient as possible with her. When you are settled, understand that there will be times when all she wants to do is cry. Let her. I bawled like a baby . It really does help to just let it all out.

[Krikit 1,163]

Reading this thread makes me want to cry. It was horrible horrible HORRIBLE leaving my home and my loved ones. My husband was there to support me. He understood what I was going through. If he had been any different, I would have turned around and gone right back. Kathryn's post was excellent. You have received your feedback by your partner's continued commitment to move to your country. She's the one who needs the support now. If you are not showing it by being resentful that she's not happy about leaving her loved ones, then her valid feelings of sorrow and loss will be even more devastating to her. People need to grieve. Allow her to release that burden. If she can't, she won't be able to move on.

[JKD_88 0]

I definately understand now, I've been thinking about this for a few days now and I think I've discovered whatr's bothering me, it's not exactly that she's not excited it's that she's taking out all of her frustration and negative feelings out on me which is tiring but I'll just take it but I think that's what hurts the most, I try to be supportive and comfort her but I keep getting negativity in return. All of your stories have definately helped me, thank you very much.

[Jeraly 4]

I was just thinking about when I came to the UK last year. I remember trying my hardest to stay excited...but I couldn't get past the sadness. My honest feelings were I just wanted to go. The waiting to leave was the worst knowing all the sadness that was going to pour out on the actual day. Plus there were people that I had to say goodbye to for about two weeks up to my trip. Close family and friends that weren't seeing me off I had to find time to go and see one last time. It was really rough. Once I left, I was sad but excited. Homesickness hit me hard about two weeks after I landed. I had times when I would be out food shopping with Glyn and I would just burst into tears because EVERYTHING was different here. Poor Glyn didn't know what to do for me. It took me months to finally feel like I fit in. I went through a bad depression. I did come out of it eventually...lol...and then Glyn decided we should move to the States.

Be as patient as possible with her. When you are settled, understand that there will be times when all she wants to do is cry. Let her. I bawled like a baby . It really does help to just let it all out.

That's where I'm at Although Jeremy gets here tomorrow so at least I can focus on being excited about that for a bit Makes a welcome change from panic

I definately understand now, I've been thinking about this for a few days now and I think I've discovered whatr's bothering me, it's not exactly that she's not excited it's that she's taking out all of her frustration and negative feelings out on me which is tiring but I'll just take it but I think that's what hurts the most, I try to be supportive and comfort her but I keep getting negativity in return. All of your stories have definately helped me, thank you very much.

Again, I can relate - my family aren't an openly emotional bunch so I know that when Jeremy gets here, I will be able to really let go when I am feeling emotional and he will bear the brunt of those emotions. It is because I love him and trust him and feel secure in his love for me that I can be like that around him - it shows me at my most vulnerable and I know he will do his best to support me through this time.

Ok - I am not saying that taking everything out on him is exactly fair, but at the same time I know it is kinda going to work out like that from time to time anyway as I will be all over the place. And I can understand how it must make him and you feel - but from my side, this is where I am coming from - maybe she just feels that she trusts you enough to be vulnerable around you.