Need help/advice

[nosoupforu 0]

Hi all,

Well, I'll give you a little background information on the situation I'm in, hopefully you all have some advice for me, as I'm completely lost in terms of what to do.

My wife came over on a K-1, we've been married for 1.5 years, and she has her 2 year Green Card. Things have been pretty horrible for the most part. She became a completely different person once she got here. I've tried everything possible to make this work, but she just won't change her ways, and I refuse to live with it anymore.

She has refused to help me with "anything" since getting here, she feels she is "entitled" to everything, because I brought her here. Since day one, she has clearly only been here for one reason, "herself". She would always speak of "her" plans, and "her" future, it was never about "us". I work hard everyday, and try to give her everything she wants. I also try to do everything she wants, but sometimes it's just so absurd, I refuse.

The real problem is she is addicted to the Internet. She has "cheated?" on me basically since she first arrived. She has spoken with so many men on the Internet since coming here, I can't even count them. When I say "speaking with other men" I don't mean in a "friend" fashion. I have no problems with her having male friends, but she goes so far beyond that. I tried to work it out with her, figuring maybe it was a phase, and she would get out of it (she never actually met these guys in person). but, she just won't stop. It has been the main reason this marriage has fallen apart. I've lost all interest for her, I guess it's kind of hard to show someone compassion, when while your working all day to give them the things they want in life, they are at home, on the Internet you are paying for, talking with other guys.

At the end of last year, I paid for her to go back to her home country for 3 months, in an attempt to let her clear her head, and hopefully to get her to see what she has been doing to me. Everyone that knows what she does thinks she is sick, even her family. She came back, and it was only a few months before it started again, so I'm done, I'm ready to file for divorce and get her out of my life.

She has made statements that lead me to believe that she may have intensions to "take me for a ride". So, I'm looking for ways to protect myself. In doing so, I have complied many, and I mean many screenshots, chat logs, IM logs, Myspace messages etc. dating back for more than a year, that show her doing these things with all these other men. A couple examples, while she was back in her home country "clearing her head" she actually engaged in Internet Sex with some guy. Just a month ago, she racked up a $400.00 cell phone billing, sending over 1,000 text messages to some guy she met on Facebook. When I confronted her with it, she basically said, "yeah, so what?" Then flipped out when I told her I was turning off her phone, because I wasn't going to pay $400.00 for her to text message other men. She refused to help me pay the bill she made, so I canceled her phone (the phone was in my name, but she's been using it since she got here).

How affective is all this evidence in trying to show that she was never really here to be my wife? That her intensions were never what mine were, a wonderful, happy marriage and life together?

I really do not want to make trouble for her, as I don't believe she is a bad person, just a sick one. I have already stated she can take any, and everything she wants, that all I ask is for my income to be left alone (and I would leave hers alone as well). I have offered to pay for her to go back to her country, no questions asked. She doesn't want to (at least not yet). So, even though I don't want to make more trouble for her, I need to do what I can to protect myself. How strong is my evidence of her cheating? Will the USCIS even care about that? I also have many friends who have seen her do this, and have seen how she treats me.

Any advice, or help would be greatly appreciated... this is something I never wanted to have to deal with..

[pushbrk 13,643]

Hi all,

Well, I'll give you a little background information on the situation I'm in, hopefully you all have some advice for me, as I'm completely lost in terms of what to do.

My wife came over on a K-1, we've been married for 1.5 years, and she has her 2 year Green Card. Things have been pretty horrible for the most part. She became a completely different person once she got here. I've tried everything possible to make this work, but she just won't change her ways, and I refuse to live with it anymore.

She has refused to help me with "anything" since getting here, she feels she is "entitled" to everything, because I brought her here. Since day one, she has clearly only been here for one reason, "herself". She would always speak of "her" plans, and "her" future, it was never about "us". I work hard everyday, and try to give her everything she wants. I also try to do everything she wants, but sometimes it's just so absurd, I refuse.

The real problem is she is addicted to the Internet. She has "cheated?" on me basically since she first arrived. She has spoken with so many men on the Internet since coming here, I can't even count them. When I say "speaking with other men" I don't mean in a "friend" fashion. I have no problems with her having male friends, but she goes so far beyond that. I tried to work it out with her, figuring maybe it was a phase, and she would get out of it (she never actually met these guys in person). but, she just won't stop. It has been the main reason this marriage has fallen apart. I've lost all interest for her, I guess it's kind of hard to show someone compassion, when while your working all day to give them the things they want in life, they are at home, on the Internet you are paying for, talking with other guys.

At the end of last year, I paid for her to go back to her home country for 3 months, in an attempt to let her clear her head, and hopefully to get her to see what she has been doing to me. Everyone that knows what she does thinks she is sick, even her family. She came back, and it was only a few months before it started again, so I'm done, I'm ready to file for divorce and get her out of my life.

She has made statements that lead me to believe that she may have intensions to "take me for a ride". So, I'm looking for ways to protect myself. In doing so, I have complied many, and I mean many screenshots, chat logs, IM logs, Myspace messages etc. dating back for more than a year, that show her doing these things with all these other men. A couple examples, while she was back in her home country "clearing her head" she actually engaged in Internet Sex with some guy. Just a month ago, she racked up a $400.00 cell phone billing, sending over 1,000 text messages to some guy she met on Facebook. When I confronted her with it, she basically said, "yeah, so what?" Then flipped out when I told her I was turning off her phone, because I wasn't going to pay $400.00 for her to text message other men. She refused to help me pay the bill she made, so I canceled her phone (the phone was in my name, but she's been using it since she got here).

How affective is all this evidence in trying to show that she was never really here to be my wife? That her intensions were never what mine were, a wonderful, happy marriage and life together?

I really do not want to make trouble for her, as I don't believe she is a bad person, just a sick one. I have already stated she can take any, and everything she wants, that all I ask is for my income to be left alone (and I would leave hers alone as well). I have offered to pay for her to go back to her country, no questions asked. She doesn't want to (at least not yet). So, even though I don't want to make more trouble for her, I need to do what I can to protect myself. How strong is my evidence of her cheating? Will the USCIS even care about that? I also have many friends who have seen her do this, and have seen how she treats me.

Any advice, or help would be greatly appreciated... this is something I never wanted to have to deal with..

What you need is a divorce attorney. Is there some immigration related protection you're looking for? Why?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

You need to schedule an appointment with a good family/divorce lawyer. There are several separate issues here, immigration being only one of them. The State you live in may pre-determone the division of marital assets. The lawyer will assist you in getting fair treatment concerning spousal support, if any. The Affidavit of support you signed with the government will still be in effect even if you divorce. This does not mean that you have to 'support' her, rather it means that if she takes advantage of any public benefits you may be required to pay them back to the Government.

If you believe that she had no intention of making the marriage work, that her sole intent of marrying you was to get the green card (and her behaviour seems to indicate this is a strong possibility), then you can notify USCIS of your concerns and the reasons why you are getting divorced. They will add it to her file.

She still has to file to remove conditions. You do not have to help her with this. If you divorce, she is able to file on her own with a waiver for the joint filing condition and if they believe that this is a legitimate marriage that broke down, they will probably grant it to her. If they believe it was a marriage of green card convenience she will be unable to remove conditions on her status and it will expire. She will be required to leave the country. Whether she does or does not is up to USCIS as once you are divorced she is their problem.

You are right to collect evidence about her activities. You may wish to make sure she has no avenue to claim 'abuse' and file for her status under the VAWA opportunity. Some woman who plan to use a marriage for green card benefits try this route (not all as unfortunately there are valid VAWA cases of real abuse).

So, your first step is to talk with a competent divorce lawyer and proceed from there. Good luck. It sounds like your wife is very immature and definitely not ready for marriage, if she hasn't used the marriage to get a green card.

[bora bora 1]

Hi all,

Well, I'll give you a little background information on the situation I'm in, hopefully you all have some advice for me, as I'm completely lost in terms of what to do.

My wife came over on a K-1, we've been married for 1.5 years, and she has her 2 year Green Card. Things have been pretty horrible for the most part. She became a completely different person once she got here. I've tried everything possible to make this work, but she just won't change her ways, and I refuse to live with it anymore.

She has refused to help me with "anything" since getting here, she feels she is "entitled" to everything, because I brought her here. Since day one, she has clearly only been here for one reason, "herself". She would always speak of "her" plans, and "her" future, it was never about "us". I work hard everyday, and try to give her everything she wants. I also try to do everything she wants, but sometimes it's just so absurd, I refuse.

The real problem is she is addicted to the Internet. She has "cheated?" on me basically since she first arrived. She has spoken with so many men on the Internet since coming here, I can't even count them. When I say "speaking with other men" I don't mean in a "friend" fashion. I have no problems with her having male friends, but she goes so far beyond that. I tried to work it out with her, figuring maybe it was a phase, and she would get out of it (she never actually met these guys in person). but, she just won't stop. It has been the main reason this marriage has fallen apart. I've lost all interest for her, I guess it's kind of hard to show someone compassion, when while your working all day to give them the things they want in life, they are at home, on the Internet you are paying for, talking with other guys.

At the end of last year, I paid for her to go back to her home country for 3 months, in an attempt to let her clear her head, and hopefully to get her to see what she has been doing to me. Everyone that knows what she does thinks she is sick, even her family. She came back, and it was only a few months before it started again, so I'm done, I'm ready to file for divorce and get her out of my life.

She has made statements that lead me to believe that she may have intensions to "take me for a ride". So, I'm looking for ways to protect myself. In doing so, I have complied many, and I mean many screenshots, chat logs, IM logs, Myspace messages etc. dating back for more than a year, that show her doing these things with all these other men. A couple examples, while she was back in her home country "clearing her head" she actually engaged in Internet Sex with some guy. Just a month ago, she racked up a $400.00 cell phone billing, sending over 1,000 text messages to some guy she met on Facebook. When I confronted her with it, she basically said, "yeah, so what?" Then flipped out when I told her I was turning off her phone, because I wasn't going to pay $400.00 for her to text message other men. She refused to help me pay the bill she made, so I canceled her phone (the phone was in my name, but she's been using it since she got here).

How affective is all this evidence in trying to show that she was never really here to be my wife? That her intensions were never what mine were, a wonderful, happy marriage and life together?

I really do not want to make trouble for her, as I don't believe she is a bad person, just a sick one. I have already stated she can take any, and everything she wants, that all I ask is for my income to be left alone (and I would leave hers alone as well). I have offered to pay for her to go back to her country, no questions asked. She doesn't want to (at least not yet). So, even though I don't want to make more trouble for her, I need to do what I can to protect myself. How strong is my evidence of her cheating? Will the USCIS even care about that? I also have many friends who have seen her do this, and have seen how she treats me.

Any advice, or help would be greatly appreciated... this is something I never wanted to have to deal with..

Maybe she is not sick, and is just looking for a new man now that she's made it to the U.S.

Good luck and I hope for the best for YOU.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

You may wish to make sure she has no avenue to claim 'abuse' and file for her status under the VAWA opportunity.

I often wonder why members refer to VAWA at this stage in the process. She has a GC, with conditions, she would not have any reason to file a VAWA claim.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Good point, Diaddie- I was thinking more of the 'abuse' waiver for the removal of conditions filed individually instead of joint and misquoted VAWA. Thank you for the correction.

[nosoupforu 0]

Thanks for all the replies everyone, very much appreciated.

I believe the immigration answers I was looking for would be related to if she did try to claim abuse. Of course, it would be absurd, and I honestly don't believe she would ever stoop to that level, but you never know what someone will do when they feel like they are backed into a corner. Thats why I have been collecting all the evidence I can, should I need to present it to help protect myself.

I think she's sick, her family thinks she sick and needs a shrink, and her friends think she is sick and needs a shrink. I don't believe that she is looking for another man now that she is in the US, because most of the guys she does these things with, aren't even in the US. Many are in her home country, and other countries. She has a clear need to feel "wanted" by... well just about everyone. If for any reason she feels she's not getting enough attention, she turns to doing things like that. I think there are some serious "daddy" issues there. Very immature doesn't being to explain it. There were times when she would get so angry at me for trying to calmly "talk" to her about something wrong that she was doing, she would throw things at me, scream at the top of her lungs, push me, put her hands in my face etc. I've never seen a woman lose it like that in my life.

It helps having her families support, as even her mother tells me I need to leave her, and find someone who will do for me, what I do for her. Pretty weird hearing that from your wifes mother, but I guess she "gets" it. Again, just not a situation I EVER thought I would be in.

Thanks for the advice, I'm sure I will need more as this goes forward.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Thanks for all the replies everyone, very much appreciated.

I believe the immigration answers I was looking for would be related to if she did try to claim abuse. Of course, it would be absurd, and I honestly don't believe she would ever stoop to that level, but you never know what someone will do when they feel like they are backed into a corner. Thats why I have been collecting all the evidence I can, should I need to present it to help protect myself.

I think she's sick, her family thinks she sick and needs a shrink, and her friends think she is sick and needs a shrink. I don't believe that she is looking for another man now that she is in the US, because most of the guys she does these things with, aren't even in the US. Many are in her home country, and other countries. She has a clear need to feel "wanted" by... well just about everyone. If for any reason she feels she's not getting enough attention, she turns to doing things like that. I think there are some serious "daddy" issues there. Very immature doesn't being to explain it. There were times when she would get so angry at me for trying to calmly "talk" to her about something wrong that she was doing, she would throw things at me, scream at the top of her lungs, push me, put her hands in my face etc. I've never seen a woman lose it like that in my life.

It helps having her families support, as even her mother tells me I need to leave her, and find someone who will do for me, what I do for her. Pretty weird hearing that from your wifes mother, but I guess she "gets" it. Again, just not a situation I EVER thought I would be in.

Thanks for the advice, I'm sure I will need more as this goes forward.

Well, from your posts, it appears that you believe she entered the marriage with proper intentions, but is ill and incapable of maintaining a marriage commitment. She can remove conditions alone, after divorce, if she has evidence of the bonafide nature of your marriage, despite it being a marriage to a woman that did not uphold her oath of fidelity to you. Provide her with the documentation that she will need to remove conditions, and then there willl be no need for her to "look" for grounds upon which to file without it.

[Skouri 2]

I would like to say something, i know the life in USA is so hard, so i am sure you was working so hard to provide her and you, but did you stop with your self and said what that woman will want, sometimes they need attention more then money, i will advice you to go to consular so you can find out what going on between you both, i hope things work out for you both.

[nosoupforu 0]

I would like to say something, i know the life in USA is so hard, so i am sure you was working so hard to provide her and you, but did you stop with your self and said what that woman will want, sometimes they need attention more then money, i will advice you to go to consular so you can find out what going on between you both, i hope things work out for you both.

Your right, and I have certainly taken that into consideration this whole time. I do work hard, and I do work a lot to provide her with everything she wants, and sometimes that does mean I'm not home much, or just burned out. She loves to go out "all the time" but, sometimes I'm just so overworked, I just don't have the energy. Still, I have always told her that if she feels she isn't getting the attention she needs, to just tell me, and I will make whatever changes I need to be there more.

The real problem with that however, is she has been doing what she does since the 2nd week she was here. As much as I try to forget, or forgive if you will, it's extremely hard to give your complete attention, and affection to someone who you know is doing these things while you are at work, working your butt off trying to make a better life for us. What she does goes so far beyond what I believe in when it comes to marriage, that I admit, I have probably lost most of the passion I had for her when I first discovered her doing these things. The fact that she refused to stop, and continued to do these things while knowing it was basically destroying me, pretty much withdrew me completely.

I gave her my complete attention before she got here, and after she got here, no question. Actually, maybe it was to much, I certainly spoiled her. I also admit, after discovering she was doing these things, I began to withdraw, and have continued to withdraw more and more everytime I see she's still doing it. So, while I'm far from a perfect person, if she is lacking attention, or was lacking attention, it was a direct result of what she was doing. After you get burned so many times, you begin to withdraw emotionally to protect yourself, and there is zero doubt, that this is what happened in this situation... sadly

[Skouri 2]

I would like to say something, i know the life in USA is so hard, so i am sure you was working so hard to provide her and you, but did you stop with your self and said what that woman will want, sometimes they need attention more then money, i will advice you to go to consular so you can find out what going on between you both, i hope things work out for you both.

Your right, and I have certainly taken that into consideration this whole time. I do work hard, and I do work a lot to provide her with everything she wants, and sometimes that does mean I'm not home much, or just burned out. She loves to go out "all the time" but, sometimes I'm just so overworked, I just don't have the energy. Still, I have always told her that if she feels she isn't getting the attention she needs, to just tell me, and I will make whatever changes I need to be there more.

The real problem with that however, is she has been doing what she does since the 2nd week she was here. As much as I try to forget, or forgive if you will, it's extremely hard to give your complete attention, and affection to someone who you know is doing these things while you are at work, working your butt off trying to make a better life for us. What she does goes so far beyond what I believe in when it comes to marriage, that I admit, I have probably lost most of the passion I had for her when I first discovered her doing these things. The fact that she refused to stop, and continued to do these things while knowing it was basically destroying me, pretty much withdrew me completely.

I gave her my complete attention before she got here, and after she got here, no question. Actually, maybe it was to much, I certainly spoiled her. I also admit, after discovering she was doing these things, I began to withdraw, and have continued to withdraw more and more everytime I see she's still doing it. So, while I'm far from a perfect person, if she is lacking attention, or was lacking attention, it was a direct result of what she was doing. After you get burned so many times, you begin to withdraw emotionally to protect yourself, and there is zero doubt, that this is what happened in this situation... sadly

Hi again, i noticed something here, if a woman wrote about her husband all the members stand beside her and support her, but if a husband talk about this wife, i see just a few replies, why? anyway, i will not ask you to leave your wife, if you really feel that there is still a feeling in your heart toward i will ask you to save it, if your problem is your wife with internet take off the internet service, then try to make thing work out with her, but if you think you can not deal with your wife anymore, so i will hope you do something you will never regret about it, the visa law give you that 90 days to really see if you can live with you spouse or not cause 3 month is enough to know who you are with. by the way, no one will know what you feel or what you wife feel, so take time with your self and think carefully what ou can do both to make this relation work out.

I hope to hear a good news, good luck!