Huge Row

[thesnowman 1]

I am in the UK at the moment waiting on my VISA to come through, but my fiancee (USC) has been with me for the past 18 months. She couldnt work at first and by the time she could we found out she was pregnant. She felt just like you did, depresed, had no friends, couldnt go anywhere, couldnt drive a stick, and missed her family terribly.

I would like to think I was really understanding. I would leave work early, make a point of getting her out of the house together, hunt the internet and the local area for products from america that she was craving. For her to give up her life back home for me was amazing and I tried to be as helpful as I could be. As has been stated above, whenever she was upset and I would try to 'fix' the symptoms, but the heart of the problem was that she would never settle over here.

From my point of view sometimes I would come home from work and she would be in a misserable mood and the only person she could take it out on was me, some incredibly silly arguments escalated dramatically and caused much pain. It meant that me rushing back from work to be with her, ended up with us not talking and going to be on an argument. She would then get upset for hurting me and I would get upset that there was absolutly nothing I could do to make her happy over here.

As I said at the start we are now moving over to america and she is counting the days. She did find some youth clubs and pregnancy clubs made it a bit easier for her, and some US expat site that allowed her to meet fellow americans in the UK (of course it is easier over here, since it is about the size of a small state). She got her driving license and does some part time work. She still wants to go home, but is no longer crying at the thought of waking up in the UK again.

Anyway feel really sorry for the OP and her huband. It can take a while to settle in. We did find that once she made the extra effort to get out there, even if it was just going for a walk, going for a coffee and reading a book helped and once I stopped trying to fix everthing.

At least when I go to america the roles are going to be reversed, I am not going to be able to work for several months. But at least I know there is going to be someone who will totally understand what I am going through.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Great post there snowman Good to see it from the other side so to speak - and loved your 'once I stopped trying to fix everything' comment. Good on ya

[LenJayUS 0]

Guess I'll add my two cents. Which is what.. less then 1 quid over in the UK? lol

I haven't had the pleasure of having to help my loved one adjust to living here yet. Soon though I hope I do. And it's going to take ALOT of work on my part to show her that I care, and want to help her through it. She's not me, and I can't expect her to feel, act, or do the same things I do.

I could go to another similiar country (US and UK are alot similiar then the US and UAE for example) and have very little, if any, problems adjusting. I don't have to have certain things to eat - even could do with out pizza. I don't have a problem with sitting at home alot.. I can find stuff to do... watch movies, play some games, sleep, computer... each, every once in awhile it would be nice to get out.. but I don't need it alot.

And I think in that lies the biggest problem in these kinds of situations. Sometimes it's hard for us (guys) to understand what the "big deal" is with adjusting. We're not the most preceptive bunch out there after all. It's not that we don't care, or don't love you.. but we have a tendency to look at your problems from our eyes, and use our own reasoning.. and just have a problem getting to see it from your point of view.

I do already know about the frustration part of not being able to do much... Jay and I had a bit of an arguement once over this process.. I was having a bad day to begin with, and to me she seemed to be overly stressing over things... instead of leaving things alone, I had to open my mouht about it.. and we had a bit of an arguement. Obviously we worked things out.. and arguements do and will happen.

And that's the other thing about us men... MOST of us don't hold onto arguements and what not. I get mad, I say what I need to say, usually want to get away for a bit and a couple hours later, definately by next morning, I'm fine. I know most women feel the need to talk about it later on though, which sometimes seems to bring up the arguement all over again. If it was a simple... I'm sorry (or your forgiven if I said I'm sorry)... and I love you.. that's one thing... but usually, in most arguements I've been in.. there's nothing to really talk about afterwards. Time to just move on usually.

When the other person wants to keep bringing it up, it almost seems like they are hounding you over it. Yes, there are times when you do need to talk things through.... I admit that.

Now, I don't understand why he feels like you spend too much time on the PC when he's at work. You say you take care of all the things that need doing (and I'm not saying that you SHOULD do all the cleaning and cooking btw... just going by what you said lol), so it's not like your just sitting in front of the monitor. I wouldn't have a problem with that. I might get alittle put off if I was him and you were doing that alot when I was home and I wanted to spend time with you.

And I can kinda see him being upset about you chatting with your ex. Deep down, us guys are some how, some way.. jealous and a bit paranoid :-D. Don't let a guy ever tell you differently... he might not realize it, but he is. But we've got to understand that there will be times and situations when you will need to contact your ex for what ever reasons. You say you have a business interest with him, some have kids.. things like that. I had to force myself to not get too... worried I guess you could say, when Jay visited me last.. every time her phone got a text msg, or she sent one.. a part of me was telling me.. Dude, she's playing you. Of course, my last marriage was really like that, so I have to remind myself, She's not my ex, and I doubt she'd be going through all this PITA just to play me. (she was keeping in contact with her daughter, or was with her ex husband)

So I can see him being some what upset with you contacting him.. but he also needs to learn to deal with it. Of course, it's harder to do that when you two are not all happy and loving each other. Maybe you could help out by keeping the chats/emails/whatever strictly on a business level and leave it at that... not sure if that's something you could or should do.. just a suggestion. As much as women hate hearing about a guys ex girlfriends/wives/etc... we hate to hear about yours as well :-D

I think I rambled on enough now... probably didn't make any sense either. BTW.. learned a new UK word... row....

[rooster 1]

Sarah,

Something you might think about. Gary could be feeling stress from another source. IE...kids, business,HIS ex..etc... I know that as men, we feel the need to "protect". Sometimes we feel that handling things on our own as opposed to discussing them with our SO is better. I have been guilty of it myself at times. Specially when in a "new" relationship. We dont want you thinking "Oh God, what kind of madhouse have I gotten myself into!!?"

It IS better to discuss with your SO for sure. Just takes us a while to realize this. Specially if we have been on our own for a few years.

My thoughts are with ya Sarah. Danette has her cell with her. Call her if ya need to. Chin up !!!!!!!

Bruce

Just the view of another NW Oklahoma guy. Hope it helps!!!

Edited May 11, 2006 by rooster

[JenT 0]

Hi Sarah,

I don't have much else to offer in terms of advice... there are have been so many wise, intuitive, and caring people supporting you in this thread already... I just wanted you to know that my heart feels for you and what you are going through.

I also want to thank you for sharing your very personal feelings... I'm the USC and hearing your story, and others like it, helps me keep my expectations realistic. It won't always be perfect... it won't always be like our vacation visits when we can devote 100% of our energy to each other... and we don't have the foundation of a 'normal' dating relationship to support us. And you're right.... the feelings of vulnerability are frightening, especially to me who spent so many years striving to be INvulnerable after my divorce.

But what we do have outweighs all of that. The distance has forced us to get to know each other on a much deeper level, beyond the physical, the aspects of which can sometimes overshadow a 'normal' dating relationship. We do not take 'simple things' like a good morning kiss for granted and the love we have for each other is beyond any love that we thought was humanly possible. We have life experience to know where the pitfalls are and beyond all else, we WANT it to work, and so, no matter what, it WILL.

Just remember what you've built so far and don't give up.

Have you considered showing him this thread? If it would upset him to have his 'personal' life aired in this manner, then of course, I wouldn't... but it might be another way to open up lines of communication with him...

I hope today is a better day for you.

* hugs*

Jen

[rejane 1]

My husband and I went through the same thing when i arrived...

It was hard on both of us...

As I couldn t work i was at home all day long...

Doing all the cleaning, cooking....

Trying my best to spend times alone...

Well by 6 pm when he was back home he was the same thing sat in front ofthe TV ... to tired to talk...

We went into a deal where 3 times a weeks we do not watch the tv... Or do not go around the computer...

Like this we can speak together, try togo out for a little dinner, Or film...

Living with someone at the starter can be hard for the both part ... Hard to adjust...

My husband need his down times when is coming back home so i tried togive him a little space...

The best way to put down things on the table is to talk...

Good luck and sure things will be fine

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

What did you do for your man on March 14th? This might be the problem.

[rclouse 0]

<threadjack>

What's "knackered"? Is that tired or drunk? I'm thinking tired.

/American ignoramus

</threadjack>

[thesnowman 1]

<threadjack>

What's "knackered"? Is that tired or drunk? I'm thinking tired.

/American ignoramus

</threadjack>

I means tired.

[sukie175 0]

Wow thank you for all the great advice and especially thanks to the men of VJ for opening up about how you feel.

Well we were awake from 3-5am hashing all this out, both trying to explain our point of view, at times both admittedly saying things just to hurt each other,getting upset. But I think by the end we both knew more about what the other feels and changes we need to make for each other.

I think I finally got through to him with my point of view when I explained my whole world revolves just around him, because over here he is all the family I have. I said I was sorry if that is alot of pressure but its a fact, without kids or other family or work here to place my thoughts, expectations, actions on that only leaves him to fulfill all my emotional needs.

For his sake I am going to stay off the PC in the evening when he's home, even if he's just watching TV. Make an effort with him to do other things together in the evening and get up to have breakfast with him at 6am, even if I then go back to bed.

Btw I do drive, not sure where that came from...it's just we are 25 mins drive from even the nearest town to shop and there's not much else there. To even get close to the life I had before in terms of things to do, I have to drive 3 hours to the city.

Many words of wisdom have been written here and I thank you all for the advice and support.

At the moment I can tell from speaking to him on the phone, he feels wounded and emotional like I do. But he will be home in 40 mins for lunch and I am going to be ready to make that fresh start, with a big hug.

for you all

Sarah

[Welshcookie 17]

pleased to hear this update sarah

All the best to you both....

[sukie175 0]

Lunch went well...I think it would be fair to say peace, happiness and love reign again in our house, with a few changes on both sides agreed

You are all stars and I can't thank you enough for caring and advising

Sarah

[Tex'n'Brit 0]

Wow thank you for all the great advice and especially thanks to the men of VJ for opening up about how you feel.

...

Btw I do drive, not sure where that came from...it's just we are 25 mins drive from even the nearest town to shop and there's not much else there. To even get close to the life I had before in terms of things to do, I have to drive 3 hours to the city.

...

At the moment I can tell from speaking to him on the phone, he feels wounded and emotional like I do. But he will be home in 40 mins for lunch and I am going to be ready to make that fresh start, with a big hug.

for you all

Sarah

Hi again Sarah,

I hope your lunch went well? It sounds as though you're going to get through this a stronger couple - both of you seem to want to work it out and I'm sure that's half the battle won right there.

Having re-read your OP, I've got no idea where I got the driving thing from either?! But those distances are daunting, aren't they. I must admit I don't envy you - I only have a 3.5 mile drive to the nearest shops (unless you count a local dry cleaner (why?!) and a fuel station - and even that distance seems weird enough after living within a minute's walk from so much stuff in built up Berkshire. I can really understand why you spend a good deal of time contacting the outside world online.

Listen, when you're feeling better ... I was serious about having a group hug at the TX/OK border's Windstar or somewhere around there? We could always let the boys tag along too, if you like. Just say the word and we'll organise something. Last time Andria and I discussed the idea, she was up for it and perhaps we can rustle up some of the others from around here too.

In the meantime, keep dong what you're doing, girl - it seems to be working!

Edited May 11, 2006 by Tex'n'Brit

[almaty 19]

Lunch went well...I think it would be fair to say peace, happiness and love reign again in our house, with a few changes on both sides agreed

You are all stars and I can't thank you enough for caring and advising

Sarah

that is great news sister sarah.....

[sukie175 0]

I think a meet up would be a great idea and I am in contact with probably 6 VJ'ers, 3 also Brits, in Ok that may want to join too.

I did suggest it to John of John_and_Marlene and he was keen, but we are kinda busy until Sept with visitors. Plus I know Geordieluvr has her wedding plans, so maybe you & I should work on this idea towards the end of the summer with a view to September maybe?