Wife's family demanding money

[Jasman0717 8]

I now support a family of seven in Cagayan. Right when Claudeth came here her Father lost his job and he hasn't bother to look for a new one. Each month they would text Claudeth that the needed money. I was kind of getting tired of it because it was causing us to suffer financially but then my business started producing so my business partner gives her family part of my profit each month. I do get a sense of accomplishment from this as we are feeding and housing her family and sending her siblings to school. I guess it is all in how you look at it.

[XiaoBai 0]

I don't think your under any obligation to send her family anything. If you do send something to them that it should be an amount that both you and your wife agree on. I think in most parts of Asia they have the phrase, "you marry the woman, you marry the family" and they call it tradition. I have no problem diving head first into my wife's/fiancees tradition but they should be equally excited about participating in ours which is just as important as hers/theirs. I went through this once before in a previous relationship and was told that if you marry the woman you should send her family money, buy them homes, buy buffaloes, etc. Her and I talked about it prior to continuing with the relationship and she told me that they didn't want anything. They waited till after she got to the USA when they started pressuring us for money. Until the hook was set. I told her to tell them that I will honor their tradition but they should also be respectful enough to me to honor mine. When they asked what that meant, I told them that in America it is tradition that the wives family pays for the wedding and the average cost of a nice wedding is about $20,000 USD. I told them that I would marry her right after they sent the check and then I would send them the $200.00 a month they were asking for. Needless to say, I didn't get the check. They should be happy that their daughter will live a good life in the USA and her children, their grandchildren, will be taken care of. If you can send a $100.00 or $200.00 a month then do so. If not, respectfully tell them that you can't financially do that. In the eyes of many cultures we are filthy rich but we also pay a lot more for food, housing, insurance, college, health care, etc. You and your wife can sit down, make an itemized list of your expenses and income, and let them know the real situation. I wouldn't personally do that since your finances are your and your wive's business and not theirs. Most countries have done away with families asking to be supported. In most Asian countries, except a few, no one ever saves money for retirement or emergencies,unless they are rich which most people aren't. That isn't your problem. I always thought it was interesting that when you marry someone from another country that they want you to honor their traditions and customs but their families really don't care about yours. Sounds selfish and disrespectful to me. And again, it's not all families but a good portion of them. You don't have to feel guilty because of the country you were born in or how much money you make or the opportunities that you have. Bottom line, if you can't help them, tell them so. If your wife married you for love then she will explain that to them. If she starts to put pressure on you and wants you to send money when you really can't afford it then you were probably looked at not as a husband but a human ATM machine. Not really good for long term prospects. And who knows, maybe someday you'll be really rich or hit the lottery and you can help them then. If you can't now, tell them so.

[Donna A 4]

i have a question and please no one take offense. if u guys had american wifes and thier family was poor would u help them out every month or would u just say...its time they get off their lazy butts and get jobs to take care of them selves but when u get filipeon wives no one has a problems supporting their families?

this seams to be the american attitude....they can get a job why should we support them but that attitude changes when they marry some foreign woman.

just wondering?

[Glen Charles 0]

i have a question and please no one take offense. if u guys had american wifes and thier family was poor would u help them out every month or would u just say...its time they get off their lazy butts and get jobs to take care of them selves but when u get filipeon wives no one has a problems supporting their families?

this seams to be the american attitude....they can get a job why should we support them but that attitude changes when they marry some foreign woman.

just wondering?

In America, no one is in danger of actual starvation or complete lack of medical care or complete lack of meaningful education. Welfare and other social systems keep those things from happening. So its easy to tell an american freeloader to screw off, or to tell a poor relative "no". No one will die of it.

In my wifes village, kids actually die of the mumps because no one can afford the vaccinations or medical treatment.

They are supposed to get free shots from the government, but the corrupt people that offer the shots demand money. Millions of Filippinos do without enough food, and some die of it.

That being said, it does seem that Americans respect hard work more than Filipinos. It is common and accepted to live off of a wealthy relative in the Philippines. In America, people do live off of relatives, but its something to be ashamed of.

Edited April 8, 2008 by Glen Charles

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

I knew early in our relationship that filipinas coming to the U.S. usually want to help their families. My wife did ask me if I minded her helping her family once she started working. I told her I make enough for us to live on, so she could send all her money to them. She said "No", I want to save some for us too. So although she will send enough to cover utilities for her house and buy books for her niece starting college next year, she doesn't want to support her whole family.....who have jobs BTW.

sad story. lets not generalize everybody. on my case i married an american husband, since his here with me and he cant find work as much as he cans i do what the man does.. i try to support my family all thru out.on the latter part my husband takes care of our baby. inspite things he do help me like washing clothes, cleaning the house etc. he never complaints but there are times he does its part of marriage however we talked and said will have better life when the 3 of us get there. as a matter of fact my family are the one helping my husband ( fees, hospitalization etc. ) and before we got married i had sponsorship from my dad in cali. so that means FILIPINAS just married the guys on the other state just for geez to support. but lets face the fact that most uneducated low class women here in manila are like that. thinking that they would have better life marrying a white boy. (OPINION ONLY NO HARM)

It is somewhat true..

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

This is based on my observation.

This "demanding money issue" , depends which family your wife came from.

1.Some wives came from poor family, but from decent family that dont take advantage of their daughters fortune. (may kahihiyan)

2. although, some wives came from poor family that , that the family she came from, are "demanding", that since their daughters already in US their daughters are " entitled / forced " to send them monthly money , and some relatives or friends will even ask or contact the USC wife. (walang kahihiyan)

3. some wives came from rich family but still ask for some money from their daughters.

4. some wives came from rich family but dont demand/ or dont ask any money from their daughters.

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

It all depends with where your wife came from, and what kind of family she has. ( all in my observation)

Btw, I am glad my family don't bother to ask me money, It's the opposite, i 'm the one asking them if they needed some money and give them some amount but not much.. (Im not in US yet and never they asked my husband either)

[sj5 4]

Your wife should be able to say something to her family.

[Donna A 4]

i have a question and please no one take offense. if u guys had american wifes and thier family was poor would u help them out every month or would u just say...its time they get off their lazy butts and get jobs to take care of them selves but when u get filipeon wives no one has a problems supporting their families?

this seams to be the american attitude....they can get a job why should we support them but that attitude changes when they marry some foreign woman.

just wondering?

In America, no one is in danger of actual starvation or complete lack of medical care or complete lack of meaningful education. Welfare and other social systems keep those things from happening. So its easy to tell an american freeloader to screw off, or to tell a poor relative "no". No one will die of it.

In my wifes village, kids actually die of the mumps because no one can afford the vaccinations or medical treatment.

They are supposed to get free shots from the government, but the corrupt people that offer the shots demand money. Millions of Filippinos do without enough food, and some die of it.

That being said, it does seem that Americans respect hard work more than Filipinos. It is common and accepted to live off of a wealthy relative in the Philippines. In America, people do live off of relatives, but its something to be ashamed of.

wow i thought america was the only ones without free health care.

i just wondered because if this is there life to do without then they know how not to suffer as us spoiled americans would die if we became a third world country cuz we dont know how to survive cuz everything has been given to us...but if we were used to this then i think it would be no problem. am i making sence?

like in syria. they live off of lets say an average of $400 a month. they are happy with this and dont seam to struggle or anything. but let one of us americans live off of that and we would all be history.

i just dont understand why they manage but as soon as one of them marries an american man then all of a sudden they become oh i have emergency...i need money.

ok its late and i dont even know what im trying to say. i just know this topic comes up alot...not just in the phillapean forums but others too.

[dbears 1]

FILIPINAS just married the guys on the other state just for geez to support. but lets face the fact that most uneducated low class women here in manila are like that. thinking that they would have better life marrying a white boy. (OPINION ONLY NO HARM)

It is somewhat true..

sad to say, its just not the uneducated low class women who go after the foreigners just for the free visa ride and have the misconceived notion that by marrying a foreigner they could live off a wealthy lifestyle. educated women are even more ingenious in their ways.

I've heard some acquintances say "well whoever gets here first and whoever offers marriage or sponsorship first, i'll go for that one". Meaning they have a line up of foreign guys they have invited to visit them and also a line up of foreign guys whom they have vowed all adoration. It makes me cringe when i hear some girls say they will marry the foreign guy and they will divorce them soon as they get the green card. Gosh, just imagine kissing someone you don't have feelings with. YUCKY!!! And mind you, this attitude is not isolated to younger girls or to girls from dirt poor families, there are 40 something women from middle class families out there who are also like that... it is sad and it is a shame because those are the reason why some people would think negative towards all the other girls who have relationship with a foreign guy, even those who have genuine relationships like us.

It is also sad that in the philippines there are parents who thinks their children are obligated to pay them back when their children grow up. Yes, it is ok to show gratitude to your parents but it is not ok to oblige and force the kids to pay back every centavo that parents have spent on them especially when they are already starting a family of their own and would have their own obligations already. It is not right to throw out your parents when they are really really old and can't take care of themselves but while they still can, it is also not right for them to leech on their kids. Much more, it is not ok for siblings to unceasantly ask for financial support from their other siblings for their entire family when they are very much able to take care of themselves. That is not helping at all, that is pushing them even lower to become more dependent. My idea of helping is to help those in need learn how to stand on their own two feet, not give out money which they could jus spend for shopping or for their vices. Maybe I am just fortunate that my parents never ask for any payment from any of us.

Another sad thing in the Philippines is a lot of people have the misconceived notion that all foreigners, especially caucasians are filthy rich and everybody that goes to america becomes rich. It is sometimes because there are a lot of girls who married foreigners who act as though they've won the lottery, really show offs. I've been asked many times why am i being so kuripot and etc. when I am marrying a "kano". I used to explain that Ricky and I are not yet married so it would not be right to have him shoulder all my obligations towards my kids, besides he maybe earning in dollars but he also spends in dollars and that US economy is nearing or probably even in a recession already and etc. etc. But I got tired of explaining and i feel I really don't need to explain so now I just tell them, "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not marrying Bill Gates." or I'd say: "Last time I checked my fiance's name has not changed to Warren Buffet.".

TO THE OP: I guess you both need to really sit down and write your monthly expenses down to a T and if needed, let her read news about US economy in recession already and how thousands are losing their jobs month after month. It might shake her up a little. Try also to explain to her that its ok to help but it is not ok to create cripples.. there is helping when it is really badly needed (as in real life emergencies) and then there is creating financial cripples... ("I sent it for my neice because she called and she needs to attend a christmas party for school." -- just one example, why would she shoulder even christmas party expenses of her niece? are her parents totally disabled or dead already? and would a christmas party cost thousands?)

i hope you could come up with a win-win solution for your problem. I wish you the best and may God work in your lives.

[Giskat09 2]

I think you have to talk to your wife about this things and tell her that you're having some hard time about it... My parents has no job either but they don't ask my husband to give them money... they also find ways on how to make/earn money on their own though my husband is a cheerful giver but there's a limit and i tell him to prioritize me. LOL

I agree that some Filipina are marrying a foreigner just to have a good life in USA or simply to receive a good amount of remittances from abroad thats why i can't blame the thinking of the foreigners on how they look to a Filipina woman.. BUT dont generalize all the women here...

Jesus said, i will make you fisherman for you to catch a fish and not to give you fish everyday..

[*JG* 2]

Wow, I'm sure glad I found this post, so that I can vent a little...

Well here goes...

When I met my wife, I knew her family just made enough to get by on their bills and daily expenses (Just like I did). Her dad worked, but her mom didn't work. After my wife arrived here in the US, she asked me if she can send some money to help out her family for that month. I said "ask them how much they need and help them out." She sent them money for that month. The following month, she sent some money again. This continued to be a monthly thing. Since I keep track of our finances, I later noticed that the amount she is sending has been increasing. I didn't say anything because for the most part, the money she sends increased after she started working. However, she was sending almost 100% of her paycheck.

My income barely pays for our house and our daily expenses. My only gripe is that the money that she is sending to her family could be used for savings. My idea of helping is to set aside some money for us first and then help those in need. As the saying goes "charity begins at home." However, my wife sends money first, and if we're short in cash for the month, then I have to work overtime.

Ever since we got married, my wife's family's living conditions have elevated so much. Her father does not work anymore, her neice now goes to school, and they just hang out everyday. Her family does not have any more financial worries. It is as if they won the lottery. Meanwhile, back here in the U.S., we are living paycheck to paycheck and working overtime to make ends meet.

We got into an argument one day because of money. I sold one of our cars because it was going to cost a lot of money to repair. I was gonna use the money to buy things we need for the house, and those things that we've been wanting to get the whole year, but couldn't afford to. I found out later that she has sent some of that cash to her family. I told her "didn't you already send money this month?" She replied, "I sent it for my neice because she called and she needs to attend a christmas party for school." We then got into a big argument.

Because of that argument, she is now very cautious (as far as amount) in sending money to her family, although she still sends money monthly. Unfortunately, my wife has quit her job, but still sends the same amount of money. We sure could use that money for a new car.

If we did not argue about this from time to time, I would be in the same boat as you. Thank God my husband did finally see how much things cost, how much we made, that I don't work 2 jobs for my health, that he was killing himself with overtime, and that we were living paycheck to paycheck with dreams of a better future.

You have to learn to figure out what is best for the two of you, discuss it, work out a system and go with it. Perhaps sending money every single month is not what works best for you. I believe I married my husband, not his entire family. And, I firmly believe every single able bodied person in that family should be working to pay for their needs. If that is happening, then I have a kinder gentler heart in these matters. If they are taking advantage of my kindness by not even attempting to help themselves, I find myself very easily able to deny any sort of request whatsoever. Until that tree in my back yard starts sprouting some money, they are SOL.

[Completely 3]

When I married my wife I didn't think I would have to support her entire family.

There's a woman in Cebu who's married to a kano who is feeding my wife's family a false view of USA. You know the view USA = The God Lord's heaven including the perly gates and streets of gold. This woman in Cebu also never been to the USA, and her kano husband doesn't reside in USA anymore either. Her husband is also a jerk. He feels he can talk down to Filipinos and make a handsome profit by paying them cheap labor. They just dont see how nasty he is. He treats his maids like no American would treat their maid. Its almost like legalized slavery.

Husband and wife are both telling my wife Americans make tons of cash and should be able to support the entire family back in Ph. I am student, a dad, and a husband. My job isn't the best now. Just enough to take care of me, my wife, and my kid's needs. Its not enough to support others. Even when my wife begins working I dont think it would be wise for her to send most of her check there back home.

Most of her family members there dont even work. They seem to be wanting a hand out while they enjoy their lives. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I married my wife. I refuse to support her entire family when they want to kick back and enjoy life while I am busting my chops all week. All of you marrying make sure you lay down all of this with your fiancee before you get married.

I think somehow I can relate to your wife.. The only difference is I have a job which just equal the salary of my husband.... We both work for american firm overseas so its not that hard...

I preferred to work because I dont want to depend to my husband on financial things especially in helping my family.. I really have pride when it comes to that.. Maybe because some people were trying to generalize filipino people that we marry someone for a reason..

I did tell my husband about my situation before he proposed. I have a 70 yrs old parents and a brother that does not have a job and I am helping him to find him a job so he can support his family on his own.. You know bad thing in the philippines is that, we have age discrimination when it comes to applying for a job.. When you reach a certain age like 37, it will be difficult to find a job, believe me...

So what I did, I told him everything to be discouraged so just to make sure of his feelings, even I know I am taking a gamble and will hurt my feelings in the end...and still he married me.. But you know we all need to be honest to make relationship works..

He can not complain about my family because I never asked him for anything on financial issues dealing with them. We share expenses when it comes to our own needs like taking care of our son, our house, vacation and such..

I am not sending al my salaryl to my family,, I am just giving them what they need because I dont want them to think that I can support all of them.. Its hard sometimes, but I know I am being harsh to them some point of time, when they were asking for more..

I do need to consider the feeling of my husband especially my son.. Even I think my family back in the Philippines, still my own family is my priority... Just need to balance it carefully....Yes I can help but not everything..

I dont know much more to say but you should discuss it to your wife, and have her work it her own..You should have known it before you married her...

Edited May 18, 2008 by Completely

[higantetingting 0]

yeah i agree in other here its depends where your wife came from and what kind of family she has and attitude they have. its depends in the people..

Some wives came from poor family, but from decent family that dont take advantage of their daughters fortune. (may kahihiyan)ate shape was right

and other family they dont want help from their daugther husband they feel you thinking them smallest kind of person just want money.

i'm so much glad my family not like that never asking me about the money. they just want my higante take care of me and our future kids someday...

and i never ask my husband to send a money to me too. i dont want to get it any money. he is the one suprise me he already did it send in bank then before tell me. because i dont want.

tell to your wife family your broke.

i just say they are not your responsibility. your responsibility just your wife and your future kids. and your not obligated to gave. if you keep doing that sending a money to her family you just teaching them to become free loaders and lazy just sitting one side getting a money and do the things make them easy and you working hard. and them just sitting happy because they expect a money from you.

and base in my observation you wife considered the wrong thing they doing. gave advise to your wife tell to her family that she must explain to her family thats not your responsibility to gave a money to them and how can you save money for your future. talk to your wife so she can talk to her family to explain thats not your reponsibility i think that to much...not to the point that you dont want to help tell to her family tell to her that you thinking of your future you and her and future kids. she will understand that..

[RonMay 1]

FILIPINAS just married the guys on the other state just for geez to support. but lets face the fact that most uneducated low class women here in manila are like that. thinking that they would have better life marrying a white boy. (OPINION ONLY NO HARM)

It is somewhat true..

Are You A TROLL???

Edited May 19, 2008 by RonMay