Being real about marriage!!!

[Zee Bee 61]

. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist.

What is Lexapro?

Its an antidepressant.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

This is my second marraige and so I have my eyes open to things now that I wasn't aware of at 23 and fresh out of grad school. I'm not sorry for my first marraige, I loved him with all my heart and I believe he loved me. He has since come and apologized to me for some of the things he did and said he was so selfish at the time he didn't realize what he was doing to me. I was amazed and pleased. But it was already too late. We were already over. But just to let you know...we met here in the US and had cultural differences. The ones you explained I had with him and there was no international nothing messing with us. If you're looking for a reason you can find a reason. But it's not so black and white. Men are just wired differently than women. That's how God made it. Also, my ex injured himself and was unable to work and I took care of our family for 4 years...so I also saw a financial responsibility for him during that time as well. I totally lost myself in trying to "save" him and "save" our marriage. I gave all of myself to him and my daughter and didn't realize how much I was hurting myself until I ended up in the hospital. Love and marraige has no guarantees. You surrender to love and you have to give it your all. If you go in with doubts and questions, it won't work. If you go in not trusting the other person, it won't work. Marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it. If you're protecting yourself from the pain of being in love, you're also preventing yourself from feeling the joy of being in love.

[sj5 4]

. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist.

What is Lexapro?

lexapro is a convenient, once-daily pill for major depressive disorder (MDD) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).³

[sj5 4]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

porn movies (this don't bother me but my spouse don't really likes it ) thanks for sharing your experienced here.

[Ta Ta 1]

Thanks for your post and your honesty. I feel that is welcome and encouraged here. The difference between your post and some others on the site is that you tell your story as a testimony for others to learn from. There are other women who have done the same here. (No men...hmmm?) But then there are some who come here to show you how wrong you are for your joy in your relationship and how your relationship WILL fail. That's NOT cool! And it's really annoying after a while quite frankly. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist. Cause, some people don't want to grow, some people don't want to move on, some people don't want to heal, and worse of all, some people don't want you to feel joy if they are feeling pain.

I agree totally.

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

This is my second marraige and so I have my eyes open to things now that I wasn't aware of at 23 and fresh out of grad school. I'm not sorry for my first marraige, I loved him with all my heart and I believe he loved me. He has since come and apologized to me for some of the things he did and said he was so selfish at the time he didn't realize what he was doing to me. I was amazed and pleased. But it was already too late. We were already over. But just to let you know...we met here in the US and had cultural differences. The ones you explained I had with him and there was no international nothing messing with us. If you're looking for a reason you can find a reason. But it's not so black and white. Men are just wired differently than women. That's how God made it. Also, my ex injured himself and was unable to work and I took care of our family for 4 years...so I also saw a financial responsibility for him during that time as well. I totally lost myself in trying to "save" him and "save" our marriage. I gave all of myself to him and my daughter and didn't realize how much I was hurting myself until I ended up in the hospital. Love and marraige has no guarantees. You surrender to love and you have to give it your all. If you go in with doubts and questions, it won't work. If you go in not trusting the other person, it won't work. Marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it. If you're protecting yourself from the pain of being in love, you're also preventing yourself from feeling the joy of being in love.

[blah0323 0]

One more thing ...... in my opinion I sometimes wonder if it's more so the person's culture or just the individual? For example: my husband is from Cameroon and has a very gentle/laid back personality. Yet I know of other men from his country that are complete jerks! What do you'll think? I know that in some cases it's the persons culture/background. But I often wonder why sometimes two individuals can be from the same place, yet so different. Just thinking out loud

Boaz

I don't believe that culture has anything to do with it. It is definitely a individual thing. You know how children are (not trying to compare a man/woman to a child), when your parents/family is not watching, you do whatever. My hubby definitely doing things that his siblings don't know him for, it is funny to me. Because he won't admit to anything and I'm sitting observing and watching.

[blah0323 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

porn movies (this don't bother me but my spouse don't really likes it ) thanks for sharing your experienced here.

Porn shouldn't be a part of a Christian marriage!!! If that is what you like that is your choice, but not in our household.

[ForeverAmen 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

porn movies (this don't bother me but my spouse don't really likes it ) thanks for sharing your experienced here.

Porn shouldn't be a part of a Christian marriage!!! If that is what you like that is your choice, but not in our household.

I am normally pretty good about accepting differences, but I have to agree that Porn and anything else that falls under the laws of cheating is where I draw the line! Absolutely, positively WILL NOT accept that under NO circumstances.

[ForeverAmen 0]

One more thing ...... in my opinion I sometimes wonder if it's more so the person's culture or just the individual? For example: my husband is from Cameroon and has a very gentle/laid back personality. Yet I know of other men from his country that are complete jerks! What do you'll think? I know that in some cases it's the persons culture/background. But I often wonder why sometimes two individuals can be from the same place, yet so different. Just thinking out loud

Boaz

I don't believe that culture has anything to do with it. It is definitely a individual thing. You know how children are (not trying to compare a man/woman to a child), when your parents/family is not watching, you do whatever. My hubby definitely doing things that his siblings don't know him for, it is funny to me. Because he won't admit to anything and I'm sitting observing and watching.

Hmmm ... good point.

[JJWashington 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

porn movies (this don't bother me but my spouse don't really likes it ) thanks for sharing your experienced here.

Porn shouldn't be a part of a Christian marriage!!! If that is what you like that is your choice, but not in our household.

I am normally pretty good about accepting differences, but I have to agree that Porn and anything else that falls under the laws of cheating is where I draw the line! Absolutely, positively WILL NOT accept that under NO circumstances.

I TOTALLY AGREE!

[Imua 0]

Love and marraige has no guarantees. You surrender to love and you have to give it your all. If you go in with doubts and questions, it won't work. If you go in not trusting the other person, it won't work. Marriage isn't easy, but it's worth it. If you're protecting yourself from the pain of being in love, you're also preventing yourself from feeling the joy of being in love.

Very nicely said. As you know I was going through a doubt crisis about a month ago - my husband was in an area with no net/mobile access for several weeks and at the same time two people who don't even know anything except the bare details of our relationship said 'he's only using you for a GC' so my mind went haywire imagining all of the usual things and doubting whether I should even continue. There were also some money issues and I had previously been with a Nepali guy who was a real 'user'. I then thought it through and realized all of my feelings were my own demons and issues and past experiences, none of it had to do with the way he has treated me - he has always treated me with nothing but love and respect and I shouldn't go and accuse him before he has even committed a crime, especially since we are apart and it is impossible to know the whole story based on IMs or phone calls - that is a good way to doom a marriage before it can even get off the ground. God or karma or fate has placed this man in my life and I am going to love him with all of my heart and soul - if it ends then yes I will be heartbroken but it's better than prematurely ending the marriage based only on doubts and speculation and then forever after wondering 'what might have been'. Nobody knows where their life will be in 2, 3, 5, 10 years - why turn down the feast in front of you just because you are afraid you will be hungry later???

Yes, money is a big issue, we are going to be struggling especially at first if he is not allowed to work(K3) but money comes and goes, it is a chance I am willing to take.

[Imua 0]

One more thing ...... in my opinion I sometimes wonder if it's more so the person's culture or just the individual? For example: my husband is from Cameroon and has a very gentle/laid back personality. Yet I know of other men from his country that are complete jerks! What do you'll think? I know that in some cases it's the persons culture/background. But I often wonder why sometimes two individuals can be from the same place, yet so different. Just thinking out loud

Boaz

I don't believe that culture has anything to do with it. It is definitely a individual thing. You know how children are (not trying to compare a man/woman to a child), when your parents/family is not watching, you do whatever. My hubby definitely doing things that his siblings don't know him for, it is funny to me. Because he won't admit to anything and I'm sitting observing and watching.

I totally agree - there is a stereotype that Nepalis and Himalayan people in general are gentle, peaceful, generous, laid-back - on the surface at least they often seem that way when compared to the stereotypical aggressive American(esp. NYer) personality. Howver, my ex was also Nepali(the same caste and family name as my husband!) and he was the most egotistical(he had an album filled with only photos of himself), selfish, greedy, aggressive person you could ever meet. Fortunately my husband seems to live up to the good Nepali stereotype - hope that will continue when he comes to NY...

Edited December 18, 2007 by Pattu Rani

[southernchic 0]

What I"m about to say isn't going to settle well with people but I'm going to put it out there. I wouldn't advise ANY WOMAN who is dealing with a man from a traditional overseas culture to trust that person 100% until they've lived together for a while. I say this ONLY out of concern and as a point of caution.

When I read the posts it reminds me of how I felt before my husband arrived. I thought that he was the sweetest, nicest and kindest man I'd ever met. Why? Because that's how he presented himself. But since he's lived in the US its been a different story. Don't get me wrong. His personality is very sweet but there's a very dark side. He's not physically abusive. HOWEVER, I swear to God I am finding contriditions and constant dishonesty in him all the time. Anything he does that is wrong he will argue with me for a half hour to justify that it is right. For example, he STOLE a piece of mail addressed to me. I found it. He took it from my purse twice. When I confronted him he tried to make it seem as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Just yesterday where he expressed frustration when he thought I was being unfaithful (which I was not), essentially he said that if we were in his country he would have beaten me. I was shocked. Never in a million years did I imagine that my sweet, gentle husband would even think of commiting such an act. But he said that he was serious. We'd talked about this issue a few times before he came to the US and every time he said..."oh no I could never hurt anyone." I swear this is just one of many examples that the person I talked to online and on the phone for TWO years was a fake.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from finding love. Follow your heart. Do what you have to do to be happy. But please, ladies, don't give away ALL your trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves. There is a such thing as having different levels of trust in a relationship. Please make your husbands/fiance's EARN your full trust once they move here. Its easy for a man to say, "i'm honest. I'm nice. I"m going to support you." when they live thousands of miles away.

I don't say this to be negative. Just a word of caution.

[*JG* 2]

One more thing ...... in my opinion I sometimes wonder if it's more so the person's culture or just the individual? For example: my husband is from Cameroon and has a very gentle/laid back personality. Yet I know of other men from his country that are complete jerks! What do you'll think? I know that in some cases it's the persons culture/background. But I often wonder why sometimes two individuals can be from the same place, yet so different. Just thinking out loud

Boaz

I think it is a combination of both. It all depends on his culture, his upbringing, his sense of reality, and his personality. I agree with you completely. My husband is very different then many of the jerks I have seen.

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Blah0323 - Hat's off for having the courage to share your story. Especially on such a 'touchy' subject.

In reading what you've said, I am reminded of a piece of advice I received on a regular basis. Don't SPOIL your SO when they arrive. For mainly of us, our SO is coming from a place where poverty is a way of life. Personally, my husband spent several years in parts of Europe before he came here, so he had already started to see the difference between what TV portrays, and what really is. In saying this, our efforts to make things comfortable for our SO ends up giving them a false since of reality. Think about what we as American's see onTV. Big houses, fancy cars, lots of Bling Bling! You and I know that this is not all for real. We have Credit/Loans that makes a lot of these type things possible. As a matter of fact, we can choose to lease the car/house that we want as well. Try explaining this to someone from a 3rd world country, when all they know about us is what MTV, VH1 and BET portrays.

In sharing my thoughts ...this kind of explains why I am not against indivudals providing us with a dose of reality here on VJ. Please understand - I do not support trying to kill someone's spirit unnecessarily; pushing a drowning man under water is not good. But I do believe in "keeping it real".

Keep your chin up, and pray for guidance in all that you do.

Boaz

Geez............I say this all the time. You are wise.

[*JG* 2]

What I"m about to say isn't going to settle well with people but I'm going to put it out there. I wouldn't advise ANY WOMAN who is dealing with a man from a traditional overseas culture to trust that person 100% until they've lived together for a while. I say this ONLY out of concern and as a point of caution.

When I read the posts it reminds me of how I felt before my husband arrived. I thought that he was the sweetest, nicest and kindest man I'd ever met. Why? Because that's how he presented himself. But since he's lived in the US its been a different story. Don't get me wrong. His personality is very sweet but there's a very dark side. He's not physically abusive. HOWEVER, I swear to God I am finding contriditions and constant dishonesty in him all the time. Anything he does that is wrong he will argue with me for a half hour to justify that it is right. For example, he STOLE a piece of mail addressed to me. I found it. He took it from my purse twice. When I confronted him he tried to make it seem as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Just yesterday where he expressed frustration when he thought I was being unfaithful (which I was not), essentially he said that if we were in his country he would have beaten me. I was shocked. Never in a million years did I imagine that my sweet, gentle husband would even think of commiting such an act. But he said that he was serious. We'd talked about this issue a few times before he came to the US and every time he said..."oh no I could never hurt anyone." I swear this is just one of many examples that the person I talked to online and on the phone for TWO years was a fake.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from finding love. Follow your heart. Do what you have to do to be happy. But please, ladies, don't give away ALL your trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves. There is a such thing as having different levels of trust in a relationship. Please make your husbands/fiance's EARN your full trust once they move here. Its easy for a man to say, "i'm honest. I'm nice. I"m going to support you." when they live thousands of miles away.

I don't say this to be negative. Just a word of caution.

Points taken. And, very gracefully put.

I'm so sorry it has happened to you.