Being real about marriage!!!

[Divine Mercy 0]

Missy's SO you are awsome. Thank you so much for your time. You are appreciated. I have several Nigerian friends here in America. Across america. I know several that are married for the GC and their wife do not have a clue. They are arranged by other Nigerian friends that sometimes make money from making the arrangement with someone (female party) they considere a friend. I also have a friend that owns a few Cyber Cafe's in Nigeria. I do not think I need to say more.

God Bless You!

Hmmmm my husband and I both owned a cyber cafe in Nigeria. Although I realize your inference of scams happening regularly there, we were very strict regarding the intent of the customer and the sites they browsed. Quite a few have been kicked out and banned permanently. Some got a good old fashioned preaching to, some by me some by him. One guy was in tears saying his father left his mother when he was young etc etc etc. Before the end of the evening we were helping him to write a letter to his father forgiving him. He begged forgiveness and swore off scamming. We never saw him again so who knows. Not all cyber cafe owners allow bullcrap in their place of business.

Also as for #3 FRIENDS: "...Every Nigerian that has completed a post secondary education would definitely have a girl friend except he wants you to believe otherwise. " This isn't necessarily true either. My husband was planning to become a priest when I met him. He believes a priest should stay pure before and after the vows. His friends who didn't know of me until I was in Nigeria facing them were very surprised I existed at all. They were sure he was going to die a virgin, he professed that to people in an attempt to encourage them to also remain chaste. He never expected to fall in love and get married but that was God's plan.

These points are sound advice for people. I'm not trying to prove you wrong or argue with you, just pointing out that there may be exceptions. It is scary to think about how much we give of ourselves and risk so much heartache. It's a noble thing to try to save others from such hurt.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

AH, My husband often says to me. Honey, all the trusted cafe's were full today,sorry I did not write you.

Missy's SO you are awsome. Thank you so much for your time. You are appreciated. I have several Nigerian friends here in America. Across america. I know several that are married for the GC and their wife do not have a clue. They are arranged by other Nigerian friends that sometimes make money from making the arrangement with someone (female party) they considere a friend. I also have a friend that owns a few Cyber Cafe's in Nigeria. I do not think I need to say more.

God Bless You!

Hmmmm my husband and I both owned a cyber cafe in Nigeria. Although I realize your inference of scams happening regularly there, we were very strict regarding the intent of the customer and the sites they browsed. Quite a few have been kicked out and banned permanently. Some got a good old fashioned preaching to, some by me some by him. One guy was in tears saying his father left his mother when he was young etc etc etc. Before the end of the evening we were helping him to write a letter to his father forgiving him. He begged forgiveness and swore off scamming. We never saw him again so who knows. Not all cyber cafe owners allow bullcrap in their place of business.

Also as for #3 FRIENDS: "...Every Nigerian that has completed a post secondary education would definitely have a girl friend except he wants you to believe otherwise. " This isn't necessarily true either. My husband was planning to become a priest when I met him. He believes a priest should stay pure before and after the vows. His friends who didn't know of me until I was in Nigeria facing them were very surprised I existed at all. They were sure he was going to die a virgin, he professed that to people in an attempt to encourage them to also remain chaste. He never expected to fall in love and get married but that was God's plan.

These points are sound advice for people. I'm not trying to prove you wrong or argue with you, just pointing out that there may be exceptions. It is scary to think about how much we give of ourselves and risk so much heartache. It's a noble thing to try to save others from such hurt.

[ose_n_me 0]

Hmmmm my husband and I both owned a cyber cafe in Nigeria. Although I realize your inference of scams happening regularly there, we were very strict regarding the intent of the customer and the sites they browsed. Quite a few have been kicked out and banned permanently. Some got a good old fashioned preaching to, some by me some by him. One guy was in tears saying his father left his mother when he was young etc etc etc. Before the end of the evening we were helping him to write a letter to his father forgiving him. He begged forgiveness and swore off scamming. We never saw him again so who knows. Not all cyber cafe owners allow bullcrap in their place of business.

These points are sound advice for people. I'm not trying to prove you wrong or argue with you, just pointing out that there may be exceptions. It is scary to think about how much we give of ourselves and risk so much heartache. It's a noble thing to try to save others from such hurt.

My husband's family also owned a cyber cafe. He managed it, and was also very strict on his patrons. If a cafe owner knowingly allows fraudulent use of his business, he risks violent raids, and possible closure of the cafe.(the 419 law) My husband routinely banned people from his cafe when it was brought to his attention they were not using his equipment responsibly. His family worked hard to establish the business and would never risk its closure. But I am sure there were those who got past his radar...and dishonest people will always find a way to be evil! Its just important to remember that there are "good" people in this world who try to live life by doing the right thing. But then...we all kno this..right?...

God Bless

[blah0323 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process.

[*JG* 2]

I love the comment about "having a green card and hasn't left me"........I think that is a universal myth that anyone who hasn't gone through the process uses. I've heard it so many times. I just smile and walk away.

And, #3 really hit home with me. I actually had someone say to me if any Jamaican man I met in Jamaica did not have a girlfriend, a wife, or a babymama, he had to be gay. The fact that my husband had none of those when I met him the fodder of this jokes.

When is it going to occur to people that everyone is different and you can not pigeon hole everyone into one category?

[Kanyiri 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process.

I don't know what to say. Does he not realize the importance of getting that paperwork in? Perhaps they can hit him with the RFE and see if that knocks any sense into him.

How are you doing with all of this?

[ForeverAmen 0]

Whoa .... keep your chin up, and keep focusing on #1 .... Y-O-U!

[taurean 0]

"Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process."

I am sorry to hear about this as well. If your husband is not taking the necessary steps to improve your marriage as well as help with the removal of conditions I can see why you feel the way you do. What is he saying about not putting forth the effort in all aspects of the marriage? I don't have any advice to give except to agree with Boaz and say to take of you first. Best wishes to you.

Edited February 1, 2008 by taurean

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process.

He's a grown man. You gave him suggestions and he made a choice. Take a step away from taking care of him. It's our instinct to take care of people we love. But who's taking care of you? Refocus your energy on reclaiming your power and loving on yourself. Once you've strengthened yourself and your focus, God will show you what to do next. Faith.

[blah0323 0]

I don't know what to say. Does he not realize the importance of getting that paperwork in? Perhaps they can hit him with the RFE and see if that knocks any sense into him.

How are you doing with all of this?

I'm doing managing, thanks for asking. It's just I can't be a mother to another child. He has this thought that I will be upset if the paperwork is not done and he has to leave or something. That's not what I want, but I'm not trying to babysit forever either.

I don't know what to say. Does he not realize the importance of getting that paperwork in? Perhaps they can hit him with the RFE and see if that knocks any sense into him.

How are you doing with all of this?

I'm managing, thanks for asking. It's just I can't be a mother to another child. He has this thought that I will be upset if the paperwork is not done and he has to leave or something. That's not what I want, but I'm not trying to babysit forever either.

[blah0323 0]

Whoa .... keep your chin up, and keep focusing on #1 .... Y-O-U!

Right now this all I know is to take care of me and my children from a previous marriage.

"Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process."

I am sorry to hear about this as well. If your husband is not taking the necessary steps to improve your marriage as well as help with the removal of conditions I can see why you feel the way you do. What is he saying about not putting forth the effort in all aspects of the marriage? I don't have any advice to give except to agree with Boaz and say to take of you first. Best wishes to you.

He is under the impression that I need to do the paperwork for him. Which I have no desire to do, right now. He sees nothing wrong with his lack of doing anything. So I have to show him what I mean versus continously telling him.

[blah0323 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process.

He's a grown man. You gave him suggestions and he made a choice. Take a step away from taking care of him. It's our instinct to take care of people we love. But who's taking care of you? Refocus your energy on reclaiming your power and loving on yourself. Once you've strengthened yourself and your focus, God will show you what to do next. Faith.

Thanks for the reminder, sometimes we just have to sit on down somewhere and let GOD do do his thing.

[chispas 0]

Glad read you girl. Stay blessed.

:yes:

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

Thanks for sharing that.. i agree to you, there are some or rather say many "comical differences" that for you its not proper and for him it is, as the way he used to it, its ok to them... i agree with everything your wrote in here.... some , we take it as so very rude the kind of manner, but for him he didnt think it as rude and yet think it as ok... the bottom line is, talk about it and explain each other's side how do you view a certain differences you discovered with each other...

[JJWashington 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

Okay so you know trhat I'm trying/working to save my marriage. Well I believe his 2 yr green card will expire in May '08, and I'm having a hard time helping him. I suggested to him to do some things and he didn't, results nothing to show togetherness for this process.

He's a grown man. You gave him suggestions and he made a choice. Take a step away from taking care of him. It's our instinct to take care of people we love. But who's taking care of you? Refocus your energy on reclaiming your power and loving on yourself. Once you've strengthened yourself and your focus, God will show you what to do next. Faith.

Thanks for the reminder, sometimes we just have to sit on down somewhere and let GOD do do his thing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay srong and take care of yourself and your family!