Being real about marriage!!!

[We_Destiny 1]

Just the day to day adjustments are overwhelming and wonderful at the same time, and we have been much to busy to have any outside interference by people.

However, I appreciate all of the wisdom / information that is being shared.

Thank you all,

[Ta Ta 1]

Boaz, thanks for sharing. I can understand your "third eye open" perspective much better now.

Girl, it all would have hit the fan after two days of calling for me. This classmate was truly on a mission. What a nerve ! You truly have more patients

than me.

Of course you had a good reason and of course you had to keep a third eye on that. I would have had all three eyes on that one

at the first call.

Thanks for the detailed third eye opener

We made a deal no opposite gender friends unless we are all friends and even then one has to watch and eliminate hussies. That goes for online and offline. Old and new friends. Period.

[Ta Ta 1]

I would like to start and topic within a topic. I think maybe it will be helpful to understand what people can or cannot live with. Of course I will go first.

What would be a source of concern for you or what are the top 3 things you would not tolerate from your mate?

1) LYING- It was a MAJOR concern and issue. I hate liars and my EX had a PHd in it! I tolerated it because I thought it was a phase he was going through. When I was starting to take on that characteristic to cover up how terrible he was as a husband and the real condition of our marriage, I knew I had to take action so I went to the laundromat when I was tired of the brown stains everywhere!

2)SECRACY-It was a major concern and issue. He was a BROKE 007 with NO GAME. He was ALWAYS getting busted with his dirt. Then he would use his PHd to try tocover it up or excuse it. Again I thought it was a phase and I tolerated it til word started getting back to me that they saw my EX husband with another woman. I took control of the issue and I pursued divorce preceedings.

3)SELFISHNESS- It was a MAJOR issue and concern. First I was ok, because I was giving him things and I thought it was encouraging to him to have nice things. It made me happy to see him happy. But when he threw the biggest fit because HE lost his part time job and we didn't have the extra money to send money home for his son and mom and still get his new 600.00 wardrobe out of the layaway. He did not want to wait until after Christmas to get it so his mom and son did without at Christmas time. I knew that wasn't a phase. But I stopped letting him spend all of my money on the bills while he bought new clothes and opened up a personal savings account for himself. He went to the gas station to fill up on my account and they told him DECLINED!!!!! Welcome to America, SIr. Didn't you read the tourist guide? DON"T SCREW WITH A WOMAN"S MONEY!!!!!!! I tolerated it until I got the first threat that they were going to foreclose on my house. AWWW HELL NAW. You got's to go, PARTNER!!!!! God has been spankin' his A$$ every since he left, and I have not been praying for bad luck to befall him. I guess God REALLY don't like ugly!!!

Those are my top 3. What are yours?

Deal breakers for me:

1. Lying

2. Secrecy

3. Turning away from God

[blah0323 0]

WOW. I didn't think I would find a person on this site to get real and stop with all the Cinderella stories! You tell it like it is. ( Sorry that you had to go thru the drama to see the light) And I think it can be applied to just about everyone on this site. Even if they thry try to deny it. Cause when everyone's SO get's here sooner or later the honeymoon will be over and the "real" world will slap us all in the face. And we can all be prepared for it or run and hide with a sheet over our heads!!! I choose to be prepared. I have all ready started to "check" myself. Stopping thoughts of just buying him up clothes and everything else I thought he would need before he got here! (He is not a foster child that I am trying to make feel they are loved, safe and feel happy in the "new parents" house.) He is a grown man and should be treated as such. Hell I would not do it for any other man right?? Just because that is what my parents do to show me love is not what I should do to show love to him!! Just had a moment of clarity and thought I would share that. lol ....

... Anyway just wanted you to know that your posts got me to thinking I need to stop making excuses and treating him like a special quasi-god from another country and treat him like he is... A MAN!!!! And of course one I love. So I am taking off the blinders and opening my eyes!!!! And start being emotionally supportive and not as financaly supportive. I will keep the love flowing not the money!!!LOL

I wish I had thought of this, but what is done is done. GOOD luck on your journey!!

[Ta Ta 1]

This topic it strait up serious!!!

We have two groups here...the befores and the afters.

The befores are all still basking in the glow of love

The afters and seen the light and sometimes it aint pretty

Some of you are shocked at the thought of spying on your SO, in my "before time" I would have thought so too, that I would not want someone to do that to me.

Now is my "after time" and I see how trust can fade, and how the spying game may begin.

(whatever you need to do to keep your third eye open)

I too am married to a Nigerian Man, I too knew him for several years before we married, traveled to see him many times. You dont know someone untill you live with them. I dont care who you are or how strong you think your bond is. Shiet Happens and you will be shocked and jaw dropped when it does... hear your self saying " Not my man" oh yes honey your man.

Read Read Read Sisters there are MANY simularities in these stories...chat rooms, internet, secretive, lies (however trival they may seem, baby, those are LIES), odd out of the "norm for him" behavior...need I go on?

I hear an echo " NOT MY MAN"

I love my husband just like all of the rest of these wives of Nigerian Husbands. But I am also looking at everyones experiences and learning, taking notes. The cultural difference gaps are MUCH bigger that we all think, we need some big bridges sisters to understand what in the heck just happened???

Dont expect your American friends and or family to get it, they dont and they wont, they want to make him a cookie cutter American however good thier intentions may be.

Can all of this strange behavior that so many of us have commonly shared be cultural differences? I believe so YES YES YES I do.

READ READ READ Sisters and silently take notes and wait for your "before time" to become "after time" and use your "third eyes" (however you determine that is) so watch and see what may or may not happen.

Prepare yourselves, marriage is a series of ups and downs and TESTS, you would not go to an exam unprepared... would you?

I am a 'before " sister I guess. However, I want to add only with this relationship. I have been in the "AFTERmess" in a previous marriage and have also

dated an African before whom I met here. I am a seasoned, experienced woman and no spring chicken. I have been through the mill.

I am not naive.

So take that into consideration when you read my posts about encouragement to trust IF there are no reasons not to. I am not saying be stupid. I am saying

trust and enjoy the relationship. When things are cause for concern ask questions and handle the situation like Boaz did so wisely.

It was refreshing to read how her husband handled this situation and speaks volumes of his devotion to his wife.

I do want to take issue with the statement that Advocate made about can all this strange behavior be cultural differences........in my opinion it is

a personality flaw or selfish streak in many cases and not culture.

I am fully aware of the "after time " train wrecks at the next bend. Still I shout out TRUST. Don't act like a CO : guilty until proven innocent but

act like a wife and stick to " innocent until proven guilty". One can be watchful without acting like Sherlock when all is well.

If it is not well then get your Sherlock cap on is all I'm saying.

[JelloShotGirl 0]

This is the reason why people come to this forum and then leave. Everyone has a right to say what they need to say without starting a ugly arguement.

Are there people here who feel that this topic/forum is an "ugly argument"? I hope there aren't cause I thought it was healthy discussion. If there are, please speak up, cause I think we should keep this forum open to everyone's ideas, thoughts and opinions. We won't ever agree on everything and shouldn't expect to, but no one should feel that they can't participate. If you choose, not to participate, that's another beast, but no one should feel that they can't participate.

i am glad this forum is here. This is one of the most ReAL topics I have seen in VJ about relationships so far. Marriage is not easy with someone from your own country......nonetheless someone that may be a different/race/culture/religion/language /country or all of the above to you! We are a group of strong women here, and yes I admit this has been a great but crazy journey so far.....my husbands family and my family kinda pushed us to coming to the US, my husband asked me to stay with him in the Philippine islands..dealing with that issue coming here instead of staying there..been thru it all, heard it all, have dealt with the paranoia,ex girfreinds, jealousy , my familys issues, the what if's, spoiling, weird stuff on the computer ...I never thought I would end up "babying " someone so much. I don't think ways guys act its limited tothe particular country, would you make a judgement on just 1 american person? We are so different, so I think its more of a matter of the individual rather than the country, deep down.But I have definitely put up with more SHI**********T than I would if i married a usc......well girls keep ur head up!

[JJWashington 0]

I love this topic and appreciate all the postings from everyone. We are in the same place as We_Destiny in that everyday is an adjustment. We have had some major issues but have also had some exceptional experiences. I believe in keeping the "3rd eye open" as others have said. It can be done without behaving like a Private Investigator. Just be cautious.

Please all keep posting and I will post some things in the next few days....

[ose_n_me 0]

My 3 HELL NAW'S are.....

1. LYING--and i don't mean ones with questions like, "baby, do I look fat in this?" hahahaha

(this of course includes cheating!!!!! Theres no second chances for a playa playa)

2. ABUSE--Put ur hands on me and I'm kicking u to the curb!

3. DISRESPECT--Treat me like the queen u say I am! Follow ur loving words with loving actions.

See me as a strong woman who completes u, not competes with u! Don't insult my

intelligence, play with my emotions, or talk down to me. LOVE ME FOR ME, INSIDE AND OUT.

SHALL I GO ON..........LOL

Edited December 22, 2007 by ose_n_me

[Marlita 0]

Hi Ladies,

I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him.

Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real.

1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States?

2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State?

3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship?

I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men.

Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts.

Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either.

Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real.

May you all abide and continue in God's Love

Yours in the Lord Blessing

Brother Francis

Hello All. I'm up late and just been lurking on this thread for awhile and found it very interesting. I know its in the Sub-Saharan rooms but you seem to be talking more in general about all intercultural relationships so I thought it was a good read for me to get some insight.

Brother Francis, I saw your post and just had to comment. I COMPLETELY agree that you must put God first, before your wife/husband or kids. You sounded just like my husband when you said that. I understand that not everyone is Christian (as myself) or of another religion and may not follow this belief but it truly does work. Both parties in the relationship must have this beilef too and a high sense of faith. I think we all need a "higher being" to place standards within our lives. Mine and my husbands is Jesus Christ. Now we have the same issues as most other relationships but it having God as our center and foundation that helps us deal with them and resolve conflict in a way that I think is strengthening to our marriage. And at the same time we are growing closer to God which makes things all the better.

I think that many of you make great points. Especially the one about not spoiling your SO, I find many woman treat their man like a child, which baffles me. He's not a kid, he's just an immigrant man.

Glad to see this thread.....ok I'll go back to lurking again

[Ta Ta 1]

Hey Marlita wha gwaan ? Mi nuh sleep edda.

[idocare 3]

After many interruptions from my son. 2-hours later I'm caught up on this issue. All I can say is well done folks.

Many will profit from your realities and honesty.

3 things that I dislike in a relationship is:

1) Not being honest

2)A man that's not willing to go down where the juices flow.....lol

3)wow can't think of a third one I feel the first one covers all the rest.

[BESANGIN 0]

Idocare,

GIRLLLLLLLL #2 is funny as hell!!!!!! But I feel you!!!!! I think Christina Milan calls that..... DIP IT LOW!!!!!!!

I hate it especially when they want a spit shine, but don't want to give you the "Blue Light Special"! Damnit, these lips were made for talkin' and they AIN'T gone be all over YOU!!!!

Now we'll take you back to your regulary scheduled topic!

[BESANGIN 0]

ON a serious note, I see a lot of postings about God changing a person's heart. I say person because it applies to men and women. I may be wrong but I get the feeling that some really feel the He literally changes a heart. I disagree greatly with that in the literal sense. God is consistant in ALL that He does and that includes His gift of free choice to us. God will put a person in every conceivable situation in an attempt to help us realize the error of our ways and come back to Him, but He still gives us the choice to change or remain in the sin. Look at Job, we all know the story. All through it Job had a choice to curse God or praise Him. Its the same with us. So when I was going through my drama, I prayed for God to show him his heart. Help him to see what he was doing so he could change. I prayed and had people pray fervently for us, and even though we didn't work, I couldn't blame God because He didn't "change" him. God was working but, my EX either was not ready to change his heart, or he didn't believe that he had a problem. Don't be afraid to pray for God to discipline our loved ones, because we need it sometimes. (Some all the time. Idocare with that downtown thing!!!!!!!!!! KIDDING) And I am not directly quoting but He says he disciplines those He loves like we discipline our own children to correct them. SO if you or him is cuttin' up, get on your knees tonight and ask God to give you a spankin' 'cause you ain't right!!!! PEACE OUT!!!!!

[BESANGIN 0]

1. LYING--and i don't mean ones with questions like, "baby, do I look fat in this?" hahahaha

That's funny!!!! But I agree, I ddin't mind him tellin' me I was beautiful when my beadie beads were talking and my breath was kickin' 90 miles north!!!! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder right?

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".