Shane and Lovely

Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Another sign of abuse is making the person feel it's their fault the situation is as it is. Are you telling me that Pakistani people are incapable of loving relationships or that he personally is incapable? Either way, no matter what you do it will not change. The question is, do you wish to spend the rest of your life in such a situation or to maybe one day have a chance for something real? The choice is yours, but at least you have the advice.

Ok, so play Devil's Advocate then. Let's say your husband (giving him the benefit of doubt) really is someone who loves you but can't show feelings. I ask you... can you live the rest of your life like that?? Can you live with a man who doesn't make the effort to do nice things for you, give you intimacy, or show that he cares?
The way I feel, is that if he loves you, at least he would TRY to see what you need from the relationship and adapt himself to some degree. If he isn't evening willing to try to fix the issue, then it's hard for me to think that love exists. Differences are to be expected, but if love exists, then at least both people want to bridge that gap if they can. Even if he's the shy type, then he will at least try to show some affection and pull himself out of his comfort zone if he realizes that it's what you need to make the relationship work.

Hi Plymouth,
I agree with Darnell that you should read through my old posts. I am 30 years old, and a medical student, and have had some issues with my husband in India. We were having some bitter arguments lately, and everyone was deeply concerned here on this site about my husband's manipulative tendencies as he exaggerates and often creates drama to get what he wants (when we argue). People have a lot of words of wisdom, which you can read through my old threads. You may also find yourself in similar situations with your husband regarding length of family stay (my husband initially wanted his parents to come stay with us for 6 months on a tourist visa, while I was only fine with 3 weeks), as well as the issue of sending money back home (as my husband initially planned that he would send several hundred dollars each month back to India). After much arguments, my husband and I did reach some compromises, such that his family could stay for 6 WEEKS (1.5 month), and that we would not be sending any money each money to his family unless it was an emergency. He discussed the 1.5 month thing in front of my counsellor so we have 3rd party witnesses to this.
Anyhow, the point I'm trying to get to, is that despite the fury of comments on my threads from people who suggested that my husband might be a bad choice for me, my husband still seems to treat me a million times better than yours does (from what you've written). My husband begs me to come visit him as often as possible. He always buys me nice things... nice Indian clothes, small trinkets etc. He pays for all of my expenses while I am in India. He loves to show me off to his friends, co-workers, family etc... as he is very proud of me. Our physical intimacy is also good, as he is very affectionate with me. And he has always wished me a Happy Valentine's day over the last 2 years, as he seems more into it than I am. We talk nearly every day (sometimes twice a day), though we do talk less when I'm in the midst of exams or when we are arguing. I'd say that 95% of time things are WONDERFUL between us, but the 5% of the time that we are having arguments has been enough to create some doubts in my mind. Despite all of my husband's love towards me, our marriage is still at risk due his manipulative ways (as I really can't tolerate this at all). We are still proceeding at this point, but these doubts have made me a lot more proactive to either fix the problems that we have or separate ways. Luckily my husband has shown an interest in fixing our problems, as he has even talked to my counselor/therapist on the phone about how to fix our issues. At least he shows me that he wants this marriage to work. The cultural differences are really frustrating, and without that love, I just don't see how any of this would be worth it at all.
I don't think anyone has the right to tell you (or me) to end your marriage, but your situation does give me concern. Heck, even MY situation gives me concern, but at least my situation seems significantly better than yours, as I know I'm deeply loved by my husband. If you are not seeing signs of love from him, I think that is a major roadblock. It's true that he might display love differently due to being from a different culture, but regardless of those differences, you would still see that your husband wants to be with you. My husband and I both had very limited relationship experiences before meeting each other as well. My husband tended to be the clingy type (which I used to be as well with men, before I realized how defeating it was). I realized that this clinginess was also part cultural as well. But at least I never doubted whether I was wanted or not. I broke up with him once in our early days due to his clinginess, and although he was heartbroken, he got busy trying to help me screen online profiles to find another guy. I thought that was endearing, and realized that he was a decent person... so we later continued the relationship. As another example, my counselor is a Caucasian American married to an Indian man from India. She also says that her husband shows love differently from other men. He's not always verbally dripping with sweetness. But she doesn't question his love, as he shows her that he loves her by putting a cup of coffee every morning (for the last 15 years) on her nightstand for her before she wakes up. People have different ways of showing love, but at least they DO show it visibly in some way or the other if it is present.
Anyway, I guess I'm rambling here, but I hope you do realize that you deserve to be loved fully by your spouse. It may not able display itself in the same way that your mom and dad express their affection, but if it's not there, then it's really a huge issue. Unless your husband is telling you not to come (for YOUR benefit only), then that is a huge concern. Not feeling wanted by your spouse and not getting his intimacy and affection is not any way to live, as I see it.

I"m really confused that you seem to be kept in the dark about the proceedings of his visa. You are the petitioner...you have every right to know exactly what is going on at any point in time. I might have interpreted your comments wrong but it seems that you don't know exactly what is going on with the visa process? That in and of itself is enough to make me doubt this guys motives in your regard.
I would follow Darnell's advice and get this guy frozen in his tracks, don't send him money, don't contact him, nothing. If you do this, you might find he shows you exactly what his motives have been all along.

Hunni you are the same age as my daughter. Reading what you have posted breaks my heart. Hell ya its mental abuse. You have said you are depressed, crying, I am sure you fell abandoned unloved. All signs dear of mental abuse.
You are a trained doctor which means you are a very dedicated, smart women. I am sure you would have no problem attracting any man.
You can not allow guilt to control your emotions. And you must stop being so maternal and think you can fix him.
No way is America going to make him loving, attentive and talkative. Baby that's him in living color.
At least you are fortunate enough to see him for what he is before he gets to you and than its harder to walk away.
Just ask yourself this "are you a better person, better inside and out with him in your life and because of him". In a nut shell does your husbands love and care make you want to be better, do better. To reach for higher heights?
Only you can answer these questions.

no no no no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no man should treat any woman like that... it will hurt YOUR future if you have him come to you and his intentions are all wrong.. YOU end up paying the price for that... IM damn lucky that my husband was brought up in a home in karachi full of unconditional love was taught respect and what love was and how to take care of his wife even if it meant cooking or cleaning and ironing... yes he was taught ironing...
No you should NOT worry about his future... you should be worried as hell about your own right now.... do what protects you... otherwise you are responsible for him for a very very long time....and btw mental and emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse...

I have such a hard time reading things like this. I want to put blinders on and just believe this is not real. Unfortunately, not all people in this world are good, and selfish people can't see the hurt they cause past their own desires. You do have my prayers. I also hope all you are stating, you have true evidence for and are not just repeating hearsay. I still can't imagine pouring the heart and time into a relationship to having it end with such betrayal. Again, you are both in my prayers for different reasons. I pray you find happiness some day.

No, they really don't. Children need good, loving supportive people in their life to grow into well rounded individuals. Living in a conflicted household can emotionally cripple a child and result in anger issues, self-esteem issues and all sorts of other problems.
Are you saying that by simply spawning a child that person MUST be in said child's life? Or are you saying that at least a male and female parent must be in the child's life because a biological connection does not a parent make. Also, by your logic if a parent passes away the surviving parent must IMMEDIATELY find a replacement parent because only one parent is bad for the child.
It's a complete fallacy that children raised by single parents are less well-off by only having one parent. It depends ENTIRELY on the type of parent/s and the situation the child grows up in (including school and peer group).

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I did the same thing for my wife's interview and had the original documents also in case the interviewing officer asked for them. When he saw how everything was organnized, he flipped through to a couple of pages then just chatted with us for a few minutes. It all went very smoothly.
I do agree with not depending on then post office. Importnat documents were sent via Fed Ex.

A petitioner should treat this process as though there was not a "return to sender" option. It's not fair to look at your role in this journey from a position of leverage and power. People mention the heart of the USC; it's bad enough that USCIS paperwork refer to people as ALIENS (hubby really took offense to that), but to have the frame of mind that only the USC has a heart implies that you believe your worth is more.
When the relationship is USC & USC the issue of returning them is null. Can you truly say the hurt is greater when the person is from another country or is your mentality that you believe you've paid for this person so they owe you?

Let's clarify a few things:
- no, spousal visa doesn't buy you a 10-year green card if the couple has been married less than 2 years. You'll have a conditional 2-year green card if you go through POE before your 2nd anniversary.
- if you divorce now, she will have to file for Removal of Conditions as soon as the divorce is finalized, NOT in 2 years. ROC works like that: 2 years after acquiring the LPR status if still married to the same USC OR immediately after divorce, should it be the case, then having to prove that the marriage was entered in good faith.
On a non-immigration related subject:
- bleech is bad, don't drink bleech. The people who said it was harmless are totally wrong. It will cause chemical burns to your digestive system and get you to the hospital. Will it kill you? Probably not, unless you get complications afterwards.
- not all girls bleed during/after their first sexual intercourse, she was right about that. I find the fact that you asked her about it quite interesting.
Now I think you are saying one thing and actually doing the contrary: you say that you want trust and honesty, that spouses must be open to hear each other's story, you want to be loved, but you agree to an arranged wedding with someone you obviously expected to meet all the requirements for your "perfect wife": virgin, honest, willing to tell you everything about her although she barely knew you.
I don't know how you could think that an arranged wedding would bring you love and an honest relationship. Maybe in 5 years time, that's what it could turn out to be. But what you did was marry a complete stranger, how could she sincerely love you?? She dumped the ex-boyfriend 2 days before the wedding... so?? She was not in love with you at that time, she was just completing her side of the agreement, and she stayed with the guy she loved as long as she could before tying the knot with the husband her family chose for her. What exactly is wrong with that?
I have to say I'm quite surprised by your expectations from an arranged marriage. From what I have witnessed (not in France of course, not in India either, in a third country where I lived during 5 years where arranged marriages are common), an arranged marriage is a lot of pretending and concealing, very little intimacy, and rarely any love at all. I've seen people who were ok with that, because they did NOT expect personal and emotional fullfilment through their marriage. They found that with their close family or friends, and their marriage was merely a way to have children and a respectable social status. There can be mutual respect and trust, but love is just not the foundation such a marriage is built on.
Divorcing her is gonna cause a shockwave which may have very serious consequences when it reaches her family back in India. That's something you should really think of before making any decision.

To me this sounds like a woman who truly loves you. Slowly she is trusting you not to judge her. She has been very scared to tell you anything because none of this is accepted in her culture. If she meant to commit fraud or anything of that nature she wouldn't feel so scared of you leaving her and really wouldn't have told you anything in the first place. She can't change her past but has chosen you as her future. Has she hidden major things from you? YES!! Now ask yourself the reasons for this. I personally understand your feelings on the abortion, but this doesn't mean she can't have children with you. Don't make a rash decision my friend. It all seems to me the acts of a very scared, very emotionally unstable woman based on past experience. Yet your forgiveness of her past, and acceptance of what she has done has given her courage to trust you and tell you more. Call me anything, but if you really do love her then the past is the past.. you can't change it and neither can she. The question is what has she done with you? Has she been a good and loyal and loving wife? (past out of the question) You make the choice but remember you have to live with any regrets in the future .. positive or negative.

To me this sounds like a woman who truly loves you. Slowly she is trusting you not to judge her. She has been very scared to tell you anything because none of this is accepted in her culture. If she meant to commit fraud or anything of that nature she wouldn't feel so scared of you leaving her and really wouldn't have told you anything in the first place. She can't change her past but has chosen you as her future. Has she hidden major things from you? YES!! Now ask yourself the reasons for this. I personally understand your feelings on the abortion, but this doesn't mean she can't have children with you. Don't make a rash decision my friend. It all seems to me the acts of a very scared, very emotionally unstable woman based on past experience. Yet your forgiveness of her past, and acceptance of what she has done has given her courage to trust you and tell you more. Call me anything, but if you really do love her then the past is the past.. you can't change it and neither can she. The question is what has she done with you? Has she been a good and loyal and loving wife? (past out of the question) You make the choice but remember you have to live with any regrets in the future .. positive or negative.

I do not find it curious, and yes, certainly that is one way to look at it. And if she says, "goodbye to you, buddy!" and walks out, then this may well have been a fraud. It just does not sound like that is what she is doing. It sounds like after moving halfway around the world and getting to know her husband through living with him, she may have actually come to believe what he was telling her: that truth brings partners closer together. And he said that when she told him part of the story, he told her that it was ok, everything was going to be ok, and so bit by bit, she told him more, and he kept telling her it was ok, that he just wanted the truth - until suddenly it was NOT ok, and he could not stand to hear it, and he cut her off.
It is sad that he may lose someone who was just beginning to trust him - his wife, because she did not play by rules which are not easily superimposed on an arranged marriage between people who live worlds apart. It seems that she need never have told him any of these things - if she just wanted to get away with a fraud, she had gotten away with it - he would not have known, and she would not have risked his leaving her. This may be a great gift, a good thing. I am also guessing that this would not be the first time ICE has heard from a husband whose wife did not tell him much about herself until well AFTER an arranged marriage, and that ICE sees that it is often fear, not fraud, that keeps many women in this situation silent until they have been in the US for a while with the new husband.
(of course, i am wrong not to address his actual question, which seems to have been about whether to nullify the marriage contract rather than. divorcing, either of which would have to be done in India, I presume.)

First thing, either forgive her or divorce , that is your personal decision, and must be decided by you only.
May be, get a plan to send her back in India, and after that, serve the divorce paper. You have to think about what excuse you can put so she is willing to go back to India for some time. If she has threatened to commit suicide, then be careful. You know, Indian girls are emotionally, and if she did something wrong, then it may create big trouble for you.