how to best use the 90 days prior to marriage k-1

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

the rule is that a couple has to get married within 90 days. This is just a suggestion, but it

is based on experience. You could possibly save yourself a lot of grief and $$$ if you

will step out of your emotions and observe your fiance during this time. You can set the

wedding date towards the end of 90 days. Allow yourself to be a third party observer

looking in. Be alert to red flags and possible issues. Address any issues that arise. You

can end up deeply regretting it, if you choose to overlook problems and just hope

they will resolve themselves. There is a whole lot more to living as a couple than emotion

and feelings of love which can be exaggerated from a long distance relationship. Your

fiance may not express her/his concerns to you in an open direct way. The USA is a

big big dream for many immigrants and some will say anything and do anything to

be here. Dont think that you are immune to being taken advantage of. This is not to say

you live under a cloud of suspicion and doubt. Of course few people would take this

advice, because "they know" their relationship will make it. Dont be afraid to ask

hard questions and even seek pre-marital counseling prior to being married. Most of

all trust your gut. All of us have that little still voice or tug at our spirit that warns of

upcoming disaster, take a long long time to think about it before you get married.

There is nothing wrong with putting a key-logger program on your computer and monitoring

your beneficiaries email for a month. Find out what they are saying to people back home.

a little invasion of privacy is way better than having your life blown apart later, not to

mention the emotional devastation..

hopefully this will be rcvd in the spirit it is given..

thanks

[msu17 0]

And that's why I'm glad we lived together before we got married for several months...

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Good advice

[joeyjoey 1]

the rule is that a couple has to get married within 90 days. This is just a suggestion, but it

is based on experience. You could possibly save yourself a lot of grief and $$$ if you

will step out of your emotions and observe your fiance during this time. You can set the

wedding date towards the end of 90 days. Allow yourself to be a third party observer

looking in. Be alert to red flags and possible issues. Address any issues that arise. You

can end up deeply regretting it, if you choose to overlook problems and just hope

they will resolve themselves. There is a whole lot more to living as a couple than emotion

and feelings of love which can be exaggerated from a long distance relationship. Your

fiance may not express her/his concerns to you in an open direct way. The USA is a

big big dream for many immigrants and some will say anything and do anything to

be here. Dont think that you are immune to being taken advantage of. This is not to say

you live under a cloud of suspicion and doubt. Of course few people would take this

advice, because "they know" their relationship will make it. Dont be afraid to ask

hard questions and even seek pre-marital counseling prior to being married. Most of

all trust your gut. All of us have that little still voice or tug at our spirit that warns of

upcoming disaster, take a long long time to think about it before you get married.

There is nothing wrong with putting a key-logger program on your computer and monitoring

your beneficiaries email for a month. Find out what they are saying to people back home.

a little invasion of privacy is way better than having your life blown apart later, not to

mention the emotional devastation..

hopefully this will be rcvd in the spirit it is given..

thanks

Maybe you should have spent more time getting to know her before you filed for the K1 Visa! Key-loggers, pre-nups, looking for red-flags! There is no substitute for being under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, using the same bathroom, spending money from the same account and trying to share lives that were once 2 seperate people. It brings out our best and our worst. But if you have gone through this long K1 Visa process and have impersonated loving her, yet you don't even know her well enough to trust her, that should make both of you do some serious soul searching. Talk about a red flag!

[Jasman0717 8]

Seems logical

[Passing.star 0]

Thanks for the advise and warning at the same time.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

the rule is that a couple has to get married within 90 days. This is just a suggestion, but it

is based on experience. You could possibly save yourself a lot of grief and $$$ if you

will step out of your emotions and observe your fiance during this time. You can set the

wedding date towards the end of 90 days. Allow yourself to be a third party observer

looking in. Be alert to red flags and possible issues. Address any issues that arise. You

can end up deeply regretting it, if you choose to overlook problems and just hope

they will resolve themselves. There is a whole lot more to living as a couple than emotion

and feelings of love which can be exaggerated from a long distance relationship. Your

fiance may not express her/his concerns to you in an open direct way. The USA is a

big big dream for many immigrants and some will say anything and do anything to

be here. Dont think that you are immune to being taken advantage of. This is not to say

you live under a cloud of suspicion and doubt. Of course few people would take this

advice, because "they know" their relationship will make it. Dont be afraid to ask

hard questions and even seek pre-marital counseling prior to being married. Most of

all trust your gut. All of us have that little still voice or tug at our spirit that warns of

upcoming disaster, take a long long time to think about it before you get married.

There is nothing wrong with putting a key-logger program on your computer and monitoring

your beneficiaries email for a month. Find out what they are saying to people back home.

a little invasion of privacy is way better than having your life blown apart later, not to

mention the emotional devastation..

hopefully this will be rcvd in the spirit it is given..

thanks

Maybe you should have spent more time getting to know her before you filed for the K1 Visa! Key-loggers, pre-nups, looking for red-flags! There is no substitute for being under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, using the same bathroom, spending money from the same account and trying to share lives that were once 2 seperate people. It brings out our best and our worst. But if you have gone through this long K1 Visa process and have impersonated loving her, yet you don't even know her well enough to trust her, that should make both of you do some serious soul searching. Talk about a red flag!

I partially agree. If you are bringing your foreign spouse here to put them under a microscope, you'll be setting yourself up for a lot of grief and perhaps a failed marriage. My wife, gave up her family, friends, her career, everything to come and start a life together with me. At the point that we became engaged, we cut off all exits short of anything drastic that would cause us to have second thoughts.

That said, the adjustment time was difficult for both of us and there were times where we both probably wondered if we've just made a huge mistake ...but that's normal in ALL marriages.

Spend the time BEFORE getting engaged to get to know your foreign fiance(e)....staying with them in their place, get to know their friends and family, etc. Trying to figure out just who you are marrying in those 90 days is reckless, IMO.

[Fandango 1,439]

All this 'get to know you' stuff should be done BEFORE the I-129F is even filled out I mean really, at the 90 day stage, your fiance(e) has already given up his/her life as (s)he knew it....job, home, family, etc....and to do the 'do I really know this person' scrutiny of looking at your fiance(e) under such a microscope AFTER the sacrifice has been made by your SO, is not only short sighted, it's selfish and cruel.

[Fandango 1,439]

Oh, I forgot to mention!

All of us have that little still voice or tug at our spirit that warns of

upcoming disaster, take a long long time to think about it before you get married.

There is nothing wrong with putting a key-logger program on your computer and monitoring

your beneficiaries email for a month. Find out what they are saying to people back home.

a little invasion of privacy is way better than having your life blown apart later, not to

mention the emotional devastation..

No, not all of us have that 'little still voice or tug at our spirit'

And yes, there's SOOOOO much wrong with a key logger it's not even funny. Invasion privacy to the person you love is wrong on so many levels. I agree to the extent of 'if you have warning bells ringing, listen to them' but there's a lot to be said for taking your time and getting to REALLY know the person that you are uprooting to come and live a life of key loggers and whatnot.

I mean wow. Just wow.

[wahenie19 0]

I think Seattle2Cebu has plenty things missing in their thought/logic process. You make it sound as is if your fiance is a complete stranger. Your advice to step back and look at the situation for what is for is a step you do before you even start your K-1 process, in fact its something you do before you propose to this person. This thing with a keylogger? How horrible is that advice? Those types of things are only good to protect your kids, they are not meant for your equal, or at least the person who is suppose to be your equal. It does not matter what part of the world you live, except for arranged marriages, that you should always get to know the person before you propose and if you're still filling iffy afterwards then maybe its not such a great idea to get engaged to be married, that is only common sense.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I think Seattle2Cebu has plenty things missing in their thought/logic process. You make it sound as is if your fiance is a complete stranger. Your advice to step back and look at the situation for what is for is a step you do before you even start your K-1 process, in fact its something you do before you propose to this person. This thing with a keylogger? How horrible is that advice? Those types of things are only good to protect your kids, they are not meant for your equal, or at least the person who is suppose to be your equal. It does not matter what part of the world you live, except for arranged marriages, that you should always get to know the person before you propose and if you're still filling iffy afterwards then maybe its not such a great idea to get engaged to be married, that is only common sense.

I replied "Good Advice" because I felt bad for the OP, sigh, I was just being polite, I need to really watch what I'm saying.....I agree with your statement Wahenie19....I actually didn't even see the key logger part of the post until after I had posted and then I was like

I just found it so sad that someone would have to go to those lengths after they have already made such a commitment to the one they love and supposedly loves them back. It's good advice to someone who doubts the person they love so much but if that's where the relationship is...beyond sad....how can you possibly even commit to someone when you know so little about them???

The OP must have gone through something bad to be inspired to write this.

[jundp 191]

I agree that stepping back and really getting to know the person you are marrying is a wise thing to do in ANY marriage. However, it should not happen in the 90 days they are here, for the majority. I would like to assume that most people have worked through these issues BEFORE applying for a K1. I agree with LisaD on that one. Your fiance/fiancee is giving up quite a lot to come here and be with you. All of these things should be considered beforehand. That isn't to say there aren't people out there just trying to get a green card, but aren't there people out there who will use you regardless of nationality?

[~Nini~ 2]

I did agree with a small part of the OP's advice, but only because it should apply at ALL times in ANY relationship:

Be alert to red flags and possible issues. Address any issues that arise. You can end up deeply regretting it, if you choose to overlook problems and just hope they will resolve themselves.

I know this was meant to be delivered with the best intentions, but putting your fiance and future spouse under this kind of cynical scrutiny is only going to end badly. There's no need to resort to spy tactics in a relationship, long-distance or not. That seriously damages any trust that you have with your SO.

You could possibly save yourself a lot of grief and $$$ if you will step out of your emotions and observe your fiance during this time.... The USA is a big big dream for many immigrants and some will say anything and do anything to be here. Dont think that you are immune to being taken advantage of.

If you're concerned about money and grief, why would you put yourself through this kind of bureaucratic hell if you believed your SO was going to use you for your visa?

Edited October 24, 2007 by Nini & Bee

[britty 1]

Oh, I forgot to mention!

All of us have that little still voice or tug at our spirit that warns of

upcoming disaster, take a long long time to think about it before you get married.

There is nothing wrong with putting a key-logger program on your computer and monitoring

your beneficiaries email for a month. Find out what they are saying to people back home.

a little invasion of privacy is way better than having your life blown apart later, not to

mention the emotional devastation..

No, not all of us have that 'little still voice or tug at our spirit'

And yes, there's SOOOOO much wrong with a key logger it's not even funny. Invasion privacy to the person you love is wrong on so many levels. I agree to the extent of 'if you have warning bells ringing, listen to them' but there's a lot to be said for taking your time and getting to REALLY know the person that you are uprooting to come and live a life of key loggers and whatnot.

I mean wow. Just wow.

LisaD, I couldn't have put it better myself. Key logging ???? That's really gonna be a great start to your life together, spying on your husband or bride to be. If you have made a decision to spend the rest of your life with someone, why would you have so many doubts? I am another who didn't have the "little voice". My husband and I are happy beyond belief and NEVER had any doubts. If you aren't 100% sure then don't go through this process !

[tmma 467]

Good advice

You admittadly didn't read the post.......So this was completely insincere?

I think Seattle2Cebu has plenty things missing in their thought/logic process. You make it sound as is if your fiance is a complete stranger. Your advice to step back and look at the situation for what is for is a step you do before you even start your K-1 process, in fact its something you do before you propose to this person. This thing with a keylogger? How horrible is that advice? Those types of things are only good to protect your kids, they are not meant for your equal, or at least the person who is suppose to be your equal. It does not matter what part of the world you live, except for arranged marriages, that you should always get to know the person before you propose and if you're still filling iffy afterwards then maybe its not such a great idea to get engaged to be married, that is only common sense.

I replied "Good Advice" because I felt bad for the OP, sigh, I was just being polite, I need to really watch what I'm saying.....I agree with your statement Wahenie19....I actually didn't even see the key logger part of the post until after I had posted and then I was like

I just found it so sad that someone would have to go to those lengths after they have already made such a commitment to the one they love and supposedly loves them back. It's good advice to someone who doubts the person they love so much but if that's where the relationship is...beyond sad....how can you possibly even commit to someone when you know so little about them???

The OP must have gone through something bad to be inspired to write this.

Even though your " Good Advice" back up of the OP is ill advised in IMO--at least "own" your words.....Back peddling with the tide/ bandwagon and explaining yourself away shows weakness.

To the OP I think you are completely out of line. The K-1 is NOT a get to know/trust you visa. You have already stated to USCIS that you intend to marry this person. The K-1 is not granted in order for you to spy and make sure.....It's an abuse of the system and your future wife's right to privacy.

Edited October 24, 2007 by tmma