Understanding Men and African Men

[francis 0]

Hi Everyone,

It's always a blessing to be able to share with people and to help others to understand the opposite sex. I enjoy most of the things that I read at this forum. Now, I think that it is time that an African man who is not an American lady steps in and clear some things here.

I'm a strong Christian and a discipline of Jesus Christ. I'm married to an American lady close to four years now with two kids, a boy and a girl. My son is 2 years old and my daughter is 7 months old. We are both committed Christian and love the Lord with all our hearts. Now, that we have been married four years with two kids and we just came to the States on July 1 2007. We have lived in Turkey, Nigeria and China before we came to the States. I can give some of you ladies advice and try to help you to understand us men from Africa.

I will start this by saying that every man love to be the head of his family from the creation that was how God created and made things to be. Now, that we the men from Africa are coming to the States to live with our loved wives and to be subjected to a lady who will now tell you what to do, when to do it and how you should be doing things. Let's put ourselves in their shoes. I'm living here with no friends, family members and in a new and unfamiliar environment. Now, I have to be depending on my wife for everything and especially when she is the one working and paying for everything. It's not an "EGO THING" like some people will view it as, but lets look at the bible and see that God created the man to take care of his wife. So, you ladies firstly it would be hard on every man not only Africa men but to every responsible man.

I'm living with my father and mother in-law in the same house with my family. Think about this situation and how hard it will be on me as a man, living with my in-law and they are providing us with everything that we need. I sometimes feel bad about the way things are and at the same time thank God that we have a place to stay.

The first time we came, I have to stay at home and wait for my Green Card then my SSN and then I got my driving License. I got all these things under two months and then got a job. I have to adjust to the fact that I am not in my country where I was born and used to the ways things are being done and now I am living with my in-laws. Sometimes I get upset with little things and my in-laws will be asking me are you happy and all those things. I have lived on my own for more than 14 years before I met my wife and now situation have turned me into a boy again and not only that but when you are adjusting with your family I most be real it is hard to take sometimes. Even my wife will lose it sometime, because her parents want us to be kids again.

So, lets get back to the topic. Lets the ladies out there put themselves in your husband’s shoes. If you are to leave the States and live in Africa and doesn't have friends and families there and have to adjust to the live there and people it would be hard on you and it was hard on my wife when we lived in Nigeria for just 10 months. Then here in the States you can't drive because you do not have license or car and there is not a good transportation system here, so most times you are at home sitting down. I did that with my family and out of experience it will be hard on any man and especially from Africa. That's why he might be doing some things that you might not understand because the situation is out of his control. Then when you don't watch what you say, he might respond in the way that will suppress or upset you.

When you are dealing with an African man that it adjusting keep these things in your mind:

1. He is adjusting and living in an unfamiliar environment.

2. The situation that he finds in himself into is totally out of his control.

3. Men never want to depend on women.

4. Men will always like to be a man in the house and not a boy (unless you married a boy).

5. When a man doesn't work and sits down at home, it makes him feel worth less.

6. Men like to know that they are in control and not their wives and that they are making some contribution in the family.

Understanding men will be challenging sometime, but understand that we are made differently by God and we need to understand that two people from two different culture and family background will have a lot of things to overcome. Marriage is for men and ladies and not for boys and girls. It's endurance and patience that separates a man from a boy or a lady from a girl.

Then as a child of God, He will give you what it takes to overcome every challenge that comes to your family and marriage. God is the only that we turn to for help. We pray and do our marriage bible study together. Then as a man God call us to be servants in our home and most African men will never understand this and trying to adjust to what we saw from our parents and culture all our lives growing up will be challenging, so changing it will require handwork and God. That's why the bible tells us to renew our mind in Roman 12 vs. 1 and 2. When we give our lives to Christ then we need to allow God's word to transform our thinking. Most African man thinks that I am crazy the way I look after my kids and my wife. I don't follow the world’s standard; I follow the word of God. It's the foundation of our marriage.

I have said so must, but I will continue to put in my contribution and offer any help or counseling when it is required. My yahoo chat ad is okeybosah2ng@yahoo.com. I can always answer any question and give my advice in any situation that I can.

Thanks to all of you ladies out there, know that God and His word is our strength and our hope and wisdom. Lets keep one another in our prayers and be there for each other.

God bless

Yours in the Lord

Francis

[Naijagal 0]

Well said my naija brother....being naija myself I totally agree

[Perseverance 1]

I am sorry if comments made in other threads offended you that was not anyones intention.

[Jasman0717 8]

This is a very good post, thank you for sharing your thoughts

[ForeverAmen 0]

Francis,

Thank you for sharing. Your comments from an African man's point of view are appreciated.

By the way, if anything has been posted that may have offened you please accept my apology. I assure you - nothing was said without the best of intentions.

Again - thanks for opening up.

Boaz

[HBO 0]

Hi Everyone,

It's always a blessing to be able to share with people and to help others to understand the opposite sex. I enjoy most of the things that I read at this forum. Now, I think that it is time that an African man who is not an American lady steps in and clear some things here.

I'm a strong Christian and a discipline of Jesus Christ. I'm married to an American lady close to four years now with two kids, a boy and a girl. My son is 2 years old and my daughter is 7 months old. We are both committed Christian and love the Lord with all our hearts. Now, that we have been married four years with two kids and we just came to the States on July 1 2007. We have lived in Turkey, Nigeria and China before we came to the States. I can give some of you ladies advice and try to help you to understand us men from Africa.

I will start this by saying that every man love to be the head of his family from the creation that was how God created and made things to be. Now, that we the men from Africa are coming to the States to live with our loved wives and to be subjected to a lady who will now tell you what to do, when to do it and how you should be doing things. Let's put ourselves in their shoes. I'm living here with no friends, family members and in a new and unfamiliar environment. Now, I have to be depending on my wife for everything and especially when she is the one working and paying for everything. It's not an "EGO THING" like some people will view it as, but lets look at the bible and see that God created the man to take care of his wife. So, you ladies firstly it would be hard on every man not only Africa men but to every responsible man.

I'm living with my father and mother in-law in the same house with my family. Think about this situation and how hard it will be on me as a man, living with my in-law and they are providing us with everything that we need. I sometimes feel bad about the way things are and at the same time thank God that we have a place to stay.

The first time we came, I have to stay at home and wait for my Green Card then my SSN and then I got my driving License. I got all these things under two months and then got a job. I have to adjust to the fact that I am not in my country where I was born and used to the ways things are being done and now I am living with my in-laws. Sometimes I get upset with little things and my in-laws will be asking me are you happy and all those things. I have lived on my own for more than 14 years before I met my wife and now situation have turned me into a boy again and not only that but when you are adjusting with your family I most be real it is hard to take sometimes. Even my wife will lose it sometime, because her parents want us to be kids again.

So, lets get back to the topic. Lets the ladies out there put themselves in your husband’s shoes. If you are to leave the States and live in Africa and doesn't have friends and families there and have to adjust to the live there and people it would be hard on you and it was hard on my wife when we lived in Nigeria for just 10 months. Then here in the States you can't drive because you do not have license or car and there is not a good transportation system here, so most times you are at home sitting down. I did that with my family and out of experience it will be hard on any man and especially from Africa. That's why he might be doing some things that you might not understand because the situation is out of his control. Then when you don't watch what you say, he might respond in the way that will suppress or upset you.

When you are dealing with an African man that it adjusting keep these things in your mind:

1. He is adjusting and living in an unfamiliar environment.

2. The situation that he finds in himself into is totally out of his control.

3. Men never want to depend on women.

4. Men will always like to be a man in the house and not a boy (unless you married a boy).

5. When a man doesn't work and sits down at home, it makes him feel worth less.

6. Men like to know that they are in control and not their wives and that they are making some contribution in the family.

Understanding men will be challenging sometime, but understand that we are made differently by God and we need to understand that two people from two different culture and family background will have a lot of things to overcome. Marriage is for men and ladies and not for boys and girls. It's endurance and patience that separates a man from a boy or a lady from a girl.

Then as a child of God, He will give you what it takes to overcome every challenge that comes to your family and marriage. God is the only that we turn to for help. We pray and do our marriage bible study together. Then as a man God call us to be servants in our home and most African men will never understand this and trying to adjust to what we saw from our parents and culture all our lives growing up will be challenging, so changing it will require handwork and God. That's why the bible tells us to renew our mind in Roman 12 vs. 1 and 2. When we give our lives to Christ then we need to allow God's word to transform our thinking. Most African man thinks that I am crazy the way I look after my kids and my wife. I don't follow the world’s standard; I follow the word of God. It's the foundation of our marriage.

I have said so must, but I will continue to put in my contribution and offer any help or counseling when it is required. My yahoo chat ad is okeybosah2ng@yahoo.com. I can always answer any question and give my advice in any situation that I can.

Thanks to all of you ladies out there, know that God and His word is our strength and our hope and wisdom. Lets keep one another in our prayers and be there for each other.

God bless

Yours in the Lord

Francis

[boo boo 1]

Wow Francis....thank you for taking the time and giving me and VJ friends who have loved ones from Africa...an understanding from a man's prospective. Very sweet and appreciated.

Sometimes everything can seem overwhelming...on both parties and I guess those are the times we should express our concerns to our loved ones and not let everything build up. It's always good to be supportive to eachother and conquer whatever issues come our way as a couple. Also, we have to be respectful of eachother's differences and understandings about life...I have taught my husband many things and he has taught me many things....and we have understood each other ALOT better Everyone have a blessed day.

[HBO 0]

Hi Everyone,

It's always a blessing to be able to share with people and to help others to understand the opposite sex. I enjoy most of the things that I read at this forum. Now, I think that it is time that an African man who is not an American lady steps in and clear some things here.

I'm a strong Christian and a discipline of Jesus Christ. I'm married to an American lady close to four years now with two kids, a boy and a girl. My son is 2 years old and my daughter is 7 months old. We are both committed Christian and love the Lord with all our hearts. Now, that we have been married four years with two kids and we just came to the States on July 1 2007. We have lived in Turkey, Nigeria and China before we came to the States. I can give some of you ladies advice and try to help you to understand us men from Africa.

I will start this by saying that every man love to be the head of his family from the creation that was how God created and made things to be. Now, that we the men from Africa are coming to the States to live with our loved wives and to be subjected to a lady who will now tell you what to do, when to do it and how you should be doing things. Let's put ourselves in their shoes. I'm living here with no friends, family members and in a new and unfamiliar environment. Now, I have to be depending on my wife for everything and especially when she is the one working and paying for everything. It's not an "EGO THING" like some people will view it as, but lets look at the bible and see that God created the man to take care of his wife. So, you ladies firstly it would be hard on every man not only Africa men but to every responsible man.

I'm living with my father and mother in-law in the same house with my family. Think about this situation and how hard it will be on me as a man, living with my in-law and they are providing us with everything that we need. I sometimes feel bad about the way things are and at the same time thank God that we have a place to stay.

The first time we came, I have to stay at home and wait for my Green Card then my SSN and then I got my driving License. I got all these things under two months and then got a job. I have to adjust to the fact that I am not in my country where I was born and used to the ways things are being done and now I am living with my in-laws. Sometimes I get upset with little things and my in-laws will be asking me are you happy and all those things. I have lived on my own for more than 14 years before I met my wife and now situation have turned me into a boy again and not only that but when you are adjusting with your family I most be real it is hard to take sometimes. Even my wife will lose it sometime, because her parents want us to be kids again.

So, lets get back to the topic. Lets the ladies out there put themselves in your husband’s shoes. If you are to leave the States and live in Africa and doesn't have friends and families there and have to adjust to the live there and people it would be hard on you and it was hard on my wife when we lived in Nigeria for just 10 months. Then here in the States you can't drive because you do not have license or car and there is not a good transportation system here, so most times you are at home sitting down. I did that with my family and out of experience it will be hard on any man and especially from Africa. That's why he might be doing some things that you might not understand because the situation is out of his control. Then when you don't watch what you say, he might respond in the way that will suppress or upset you.

When you are dealing with an African man that it adjusting keep these things in your mind:

1. He is adjusting and living in an unfamiliar environment.

2. The situation that he finds in himself into is totally out of his control.

3. Men never want to depend on women.

4. Men will always like to be a man in the house and not a boy (unless you married a boy).

5. When a man doesn't work and sits down at home, it makes him feel worth less.

6. Men like to know that they are in control and not their wives and that they are making some contribution in the family.

Understanding men will be challenging sometime, but understand that we are made differently by God and we need to understand that two people from two different culture and family background will have a lot of things to overcome. Marriage is for men and ladies and not for boys and girls. It's endurance and patience that separates a man from a boy or a lady from a girl.

Then as a child of God, He will give you what it takes to overcome every challenge that comes to your family and marriage. God is the only that we turn to for help. We pray and do our marriage bible study together. Then as a man God call us to be servants in our home and most African men will never understand this and trying to adjust to what we saw from our parents and culture all our lives growing up will be challenging, so changing it will require handwork and God. That's why the bible tells us to renew our mind in Roman 12 vs. 1 and 2. When we give our lives to Christ then we need to allow God's word to transform our thinking. Most African man thinks that I am crazy the way I look after my kids and my wife. I don't follow the world’s standard; I follow the word of God. It's the foundation of our marriage.

I have said so must, but I will continue to put in my contribution and offer any help or counseling when it is required. My yahoo chat ad is okeybosah2ng@yahoo.com. I can always answer any question and give my advice in any situation that I can.

Thanks to all of you ladies out there, know that God and His word is our strength and our hope and wisdom. Lets keep one another in our prayers and be there for each other.

God bless

Yours in the Lord

Francis

Thanks for the guided information. I really enjoyed reading your suggestions and comments. My friend is from Nigeria, I know that it will be difficult for us just like any relationship starting out. We will stand strong in our faith and know that we will stay together by his Grace. I visited him a week in Africa, enjoyed every minute of it but I know that I could not adjust. This is such a long process had no idea, glad that I found this site.

Thank you

[Ta Ta 1]

Thank you for sharing your perspective as an African man and best wishes for your future.

[Queen Jenn 0]

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate your perspective & your faith.

[wileastmot 0]

Frances,

Very nice thoughts and words of wisdom. Even though many of my friends from Liberia had shared many of these points with me before my husband arrived. It is very easy to forget as you are going about your daily interactions. I also try to explain to my husband my own culture and how I have been raised to think about husband's and wives roles. Then we try to look at both sides before we make a major decision or talk in-depth on a certain issue.

It has been easier since my husband has started working and our city has good bus system, so I think he was able to feel less dependent on me. Even to the point that he would get lost for several hours at a time, before he found where he was trying to go. It scared me but in hindsight I would say it also gave him the chance to be independent and be the man he was used to being before we were married.

Rhonda

[NigerianLove 0]

Francis,

Thank you so much for sharing. I want to say that I chose my SO for the very values that you talk about. I love his sense of family, which includes providing. I love that he is a real man in every sense of the word. More importantly, he, like you, looks to the scriptures for guidance and not to the world's standards. In posting my experiences thus far, my goal was to gain insight and support to see if I was the only one that had experienced some difficulty with the adjustment phase. Often times, it helps to share your thoughts or experiences because it not only helps you to face another day, but it may help someone else. Personally, it is not about control for me. I can't control my SO and he cannot control me. However, we are responsible to God and the requirements that he has lain down in the bible for husbands and wives. I'm not perfect, but I give my best when it comes to fulfilling that obligation. Should I fail, I pray for forgiveness and I try harder the next day. I appreciate your thoughts. We do not have enough African male voices around here. It takes all of the fruitages of the spirit for a person to adapt to situations that are less than desirable and you are to be commended for your strength and humility. Once again, thank you for your post you have really helped me a lot.

Hi Everyone,

It's always a blessing to be able to share with people and to help others to understand the opposite sex. I enjoy most of the things that I read at this forum. Now, I think that it is time that an African man who is not an American lady steps in and clear some things here.

I'm a strong Christian and a discipline of Jesus Christ. I'm married to an American lady close to four years now with two kids, a boy and a girl. My son is 2 years old and my daughter is 7 months old. We are both committed Christian and love the Lord with all our hearts. Now, that we have been married four years with two kids and we just came to the States on July 1 2007. We have lived in Turkey, Nigeria and China before we came to the States. I can give some of you ladies advice and try to help you to understand us men from Africa.

I will start this by saying that every man love to be the head of his family from the creation that was how God created and made things to be. Now, that we the men from Africa are coming to the States to live with our loved wives and to be subjected to a lady who will now tell you what to do, when to do it and how you should be doing things. Let's put ourselves in their shoes. I'm living here with no friends, family members and in a new and unfamiliar environment. Now, I have to be depending on my wife for everything and especially when she is the one working and paying for everything. It's not an "EGO THING" like some people will view it as, but lets look at the bible and see that God created the man to take care of his wife. So, you ladies firstly it would be hard on every man not only Africa men but to every responsible man.

I'm living with my father and mother in-law in the same house with my family. Think about this situation and how hard it will be on me as a man, living with my in-law and they are providing us with everything that we need. I sometimes feel bad about the way things are and at the same time thank God that we have a place to stay.

The first time we came, I have to stay at home and wait for my Green Card then my SSN and then I got my driving License. I got all these things under two months and then got a job. I have to adjust to the fact that I am not in my country where I was born and used to the ways things are being done and now I am living with my in-laws. Sometimes I get upset with little things and my in-laws will be asking me are you happy and all those things. I have lived on my own for more than 14 years before I met my wife and now situation have turned me into a boy again and not only that but when you are adjusting with your family I most be real it is hard to take sometimes. Even my wife will lose it sometime, because her parents want us to be kids again.

So, lets get back to the topic. Lets the ladies out there put themselves in your husband’s shoes. If you are to leave the States and live in Africa and doesn't have friends and families there and have to adjust to the live there and people it would be hard on you and it was hard on my wife when we lived in Nigeria for just 10 months. Then here in the States you can't drive because you do not have license or car and there is not a good transportation system here, so most times you are at home sitting down. I did that with my family and out of experience it will be hard on any man and especially from Africa. That's why he might be doing some things that you might not understand because the situation is out of his control. Then when you don't watch what you say, he might respond in the way that will suppress or upset you.

When you are dealing with an African man that it adjusting keep these things in your mind:

1. He is adjusting and living in an unfamiliar environment.

2. The situation that he finds in himself into is totally out of his control.

3. Men never want to depend on women.

4. Men will always like to be a man in the house and not a boy (unless you married a boy).

5. When a man doesn't work and sits down at home, it makes him feel worth less.

6. Men like to know that they are in control and not their wives and that they are making some contribution in the family.

Understanding men will be challenging sometime, but understand that we are made differently by God and we need to understand that two people from two different culture and family background will have a lot of things to overcome. Marriage is for men and ladies and not for boys and girls. It's endurance and patience that separates a man from a boy or a lady from a girl.

Then as a child of God, He will give you what it takes to overcome every challenge that comes to your family and marriage. God is the only that we turn to for help. We pray and do our marriage bible study together. Then as a man God call us to be servants in our home and most African men will never understand this and trying to adjust to what we saw from our parents and culture all our lives growing up will be challenging, so changing it will require handwork and God. That's why the bible tells us to renew our mind in Roman 12 vs. 1 and 2. When we give our lives to Christ then we need to allow God's word to transform our thinking. Most African man thinks that I am crazy the way I look after my kids and my wife. I don't follow the world’s standard; I follow the word of God. It's the foundation of our marriage.

I have said so must, but I will continue to put in my contribution and offer any help or counseling when it is required. My yahoo chat ad is okeybosah2ng@yahoo.com. I can always answer any question and give my advice in any situation that I can.

Thanks to all of you ladies out there, know that God and His word is our strength and our hope and wisdom. Lets keep one another in our prayers and be there for each other.

God bless

Yours in the Lord

Francis

[Destiny'sJourney 0]

Francis,

Amen my brother! I truly appreciate you providing us with a perspective of this process that is not only from a man's point of view, but an African man's point of view! I find your post especially helpful, being an African American woman engaged to a Nigerian man.

I would like to welcome you to the Sub-Saharan forum. Please continue to enlighten us. We rarely have the opportunity to hear an African man's point of view. I wish you and your family many blessings on your process and adjusting to life here. Take care and God bless.

Shanon

[HannahP 119]

6. Men like to know that they are in control and not their wives and that they are making some contribution in the family.

So awesomely wrong on so many levels.

[jamyleandkhadijah 0]

Broda you no lie....You try wel wel, you dey make our american wives understand us say sometimes e dey hard make man adapt to their environment wey him no dey use to. God go hammer you plenty plenty blessing with this one wey you post.

Jamil