helping my wife to adjust

[Caladan 19]

Can we please ease up on the generalizations? "she doesn't sound like a filipina..." "i gave up on American women after..." Please realize that women are individuals; I'm almost expecting the next line to be 'man, you must have gotten a defective product, check your receipt and warranty.'

To the OP: it sounds like your wife is unfortunately equating money with love. But I wonder how you two have set up your finances, and if whether that's exacerbating the problem. You're the sole breadwinner, it sounds like. Do you include your wife when you plan out the budget? If I were to ask her how much you pay in rent, would she be able to tell me? Your car payment? What your gas bill is? If she isn't, then I'm guessing the arrangement you have is sort of like whenever she asks for money, you decide whether to give it to her or not.

And that could be okay for some couples. But personally, it would drive me crazy. I would feel less like a spouse, a partner, and more like a child begging daddy for some pocket money. And it would probably drive me crazy if I had to ask to get money for a haircut but that I wasn't consulted over taking a child to the movies when I'm allegedly the stepmom.

So I'm thinking it might help to involve her more in the financial decisions. Perhaps you could set aside some money for her out of your paycheck. It wouldn't have to be a lot, but you could put it in a separate account that's her name only. So maybe she gets $100 a month to spend however she pleases, and once she gets a job, some of it gets to be her spending money (and part of it goes to your joint bills.)

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

Are you sure complaining is a cultural issue or a female issue?

Gaby&Talbert it's all about female issue i don't know why cultural issue was being brought in this topic...well in fact it's quite obvious that we have different culture..

So only females complain (because Gaby&Talbert said so)?

No men complain too I am sorry for my comment.

[Nessa 23]

Can I have my popcorn now? yummy

[KarenCee 3]

Can we please ease up on the generalizations? "she doesn't sound like a filipina..." "i gave up on American women after..." Please realize that women are individuals; I'm almost expecting the next line to be 'man, you must have gotten a defective product, check your receipt and warranty.'

To the OP: it sounds like your wife is unfortunately equating money with love. But I wonder how you two have set up your finances, and if whether that's exacerbating the problem. You're the sole breadwinner, it sounds like. Do you include your wife when you plan out the budget? If I were to ask her how much you pay in rent, would she be able to tell me? Your car payment? What your gas bill is? If she isn't, then I'm guessing the arrangement you have is sort of like whenever she asks for money, you decide whether to give it to her or not.

And that could be okay for some couples. But personally, it would drive me crazy. I would feel less like a spouse, a partner, and more like a child begging daddy for some pocket money. And it would probably drive me crazy if I had to ask to get money for a haircut but that I wasn't consulted over taking a child to the movies when I'm allegedly the stepmom.

So I'm thinking it might help to involve her more in the financial decisions. Perhaps you could set aside some money for her out of your paycheck. It wouldn't have to be a lot, but you could put it in a separate account that's her name only. So maybe she gets $100 a month to spend however she pleases, and once she gets a job, some of it gets to be her spending money (and part of it goes to your joint bills.)

THIS has been the best advice so far in this thread. I certainly hope the OP will come back and read this. My only other comment is about how the OP referenced his children as "previous". They ARE your children now and forever...they cannot be previous. The OP's wife should understand that these little ones are a part of this family.

Just my 2 cents worth. Take it or leave it.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I can see no problem with the use of 'previous'; ok, it may not have been the best word, but to me it reads simply as if he meant 'earlier'; he's distinguishing in terms of time, not value or anything else

and OP, I think you've already had some really good advice here, and the only thing I have to add is -

while of course I don't know very much at all about the specifics of your situation, or the personalities involved, it's been my experience that when some people are feeling hurt or threatened, they respond in ways which are designed to be hurtful, rather than completely true... which isn't right, obviously, but which may be understandable if they're feeling powerless or second rate or whatever

so while the advice about including your wife in your financial planning and so on is very sound, and IMHO worth following, I think it might also be worth considering whether her comments about feeling bought, or whatever, don't really reflect the way she feels, but are a way to wound you; make you feel how she feels... yes, it's irrational, and unfair, but in my experience and from my observations happens quite a lot

if that's true, then maybe it can take some of the sting out of the words for you, and you can work on making her feel more secure, and help her understand how everyone in the family is important to you in different ways, as you said earlier

just my two cents

all the best with this... I really hope you come through it ok, and together

Edited August 22, 2007 by StillThePrettiest

[Bill and Hayley 0]

Having someone elses child in your life when you have left yours hundreds of miles away isnt easy at all, no one could understand fully unless you are experiencing it yourself. Theres all different emotions going on, do she act like this all the time or just have bad days? I have even felt guilty spending time and doing things for my step child when i cant do it for my own children...this is so bloody hard, im only 7 weeks into my marriage and theres been one or two times when ive thought i cant do this..i need to go back to my kids.....so please dont be too hard on her...

[MrsBruce5 0]

There is nothing more important in the world than your children. Your wife sounds as though she is jealous. It also sounds as though she needs to grow up.

My ex was like that with my son, he was a jealous crybaby who couldn't stand me spending more attention to my son than him. I couldn't stand that, and felt it to be not only obnoxious and immature, but beyond the scope of normal behavior.

There is no person, no woman, no wife, no lover who should take president over your wee girls. You need to be the grown up here and take back control of your life and your situation. Lay ground rules and let her know her childish behavior will not be tolerated or interfere with the relationship between you and your children.

If you want the marriage to work, I also suggest some sort of counseling for you and your wife, to deal with the change, the adjustments, and the stress of the situation. It doesn't sound like a lot of good communicating is occurring without fights, so you may need a mediator (counselor) to get you through.

Leney, you are spot on. NOTHING, and NO ONE is more important than your children. Once those wee ones are born-it is incumbent on you to see them through, and be a father...I have a few things to say about giving up on your second daughter, but I am going to stay quiet on that.

If your wife cannot handle this, send her a** packing. Hate to sound so blunt, but today it is YOU she is taking her angst out on. Maybe tomorrow it's going to be your daughter being emotionally abused by this woman. This woman sounds like she needs to grow up. You need to lay down the law, or buy her a ticket to where she came from. Be a father 1st, and a husband 2nd.

Good Luck.

Rose

[Fandango 1,439]

I think people are taking one word and running away with it. I took what he said just as distinguishing for clarity that they are his kids and not THEIR kids....to judge/question someone's feelings on their children based on ONE WORD is so ridiculous it's not even funny...

OP, good luck to you!

[MrsBruce5 0]

I think people are taking one word and running away with it. I took what he said just as distinguishing for clarity that they are his kids and not THEIR kids....to judge/question someone's feelings on their children based on ONE WORD is so ridiculous it's not even funny...

OP, good luck to you!

LisaD,

How many "children" do you have? Just curious...

Rose

[GabachaYucateca 0]

What does whether or not LisaD has children have to do with anything?

Are mothers and fathers the only ones who should be pointing out that people may be overreacting to a choice of words?

[MrsBruce5 0]

Hi-

I didn't mean that in an inflammatory matter at all-it was said objectively to Lisa, as I like Lisa an awful lot, and feel her posts on this board are a great contribution because they make us think about things sometimes.

However- yes, I do indeed think someone who is actually a parent going through this visa stuff can relate to this situation more appropriately than one who does not have children born to them. Your life changes when you have a child.

NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING is more important than the child AND how the child feels. A child needs to feel that they are THE WORLD to their mother, and to their father. I include step-parents on this as well. My son is MY KING. I chose to bring him into this world, and it is MY responsibility to see him through adulthood, and that he has what it takes in this world to succeed and to be a kind and good man. A child with good self-esteem has a greater chance of this. I am lucky, as I have a child who is a leader, and has a good & kind heart. My child has a very good self image. Like I say, I am lucky, although I do take responsibility for some of this -as well as his father and his step-father. He has always known he was wanted, and he is included in everything we do.

If my husband made him feel otherwise, perhaps his self esteem would suffer. If this were the case-his a** would be on a plane back to Scotland before he could blink his eyes. No questions asked. I'd even pack for him and buy him the ticket.

This man's wife is jealous of his child. How shameful is that??? Why does he let this happen??? That was the point I was trying to make. I still stand behind what I said, and I feel Leney was right on target with what she said.

Rose

[Caladan 19]

She had to leave her own child behind in her country. Her husband is attributing it to jealousy, but we have only heard one side of it.

I'm not saying that that should excuse everything, but kick her to the curb! doesn't sound like the best solution. It's a balance between the children and the new wife, unless that 'till death do us part' vow meant 'until you ask for another $70 hairstyle.'

[StillThePrettiest 3]

MrsBruce, I am not questioning your motives, but I think you're using very black and white terms for a situation which for most people would always be shades of grey... twice now you have said you would 'send [someone's] ####### packing'; this may just be an expression, but to me that's unnecessarily harsh and aggressive, and something I would never say (or do, for that matter)... and therefore, if we're already seeing major differences in how we would DESCRIBE our actions, how much more likely is it that we would also ACT very differently?

I also have major problems with 'my son is my KING' but again that may be a difference in expression... suffice it to say that the OP may well feel, as I would, that he would rather take a softly-softly approach, and try to understand EVERYONE in the situation, rather than send anyone's ####### packing anywhere... however badly this woman may be behaving right now, he LOVES her, and she is feeling vulnerable and displaced; that calls for compassion, not aggression or ultimatums, or talk of 'shame'

OP, I truly wish you all the best; it will be a juggling act, and you may well find yourself having to make some unenviable decisions in the end, but I wish you all the best with it... you seem kind, which is a lovely trait; don't let that be advised out of you

Edited August 22, 2007 by StillThePrettiest

[MrsBruce5 0]

MrsBruce, I am not questioning your motives, but I think you're using very black and white terms for a situation which for most people would always be shades of grey... twice now you have said you would 'send [someone's] ####### packing'; this may just be an expression, but to me that's unnecessarily harsh and aggressive, and something I would never say (or do, for that matter)... and therefore, if we're already seeing major differences in how we would DESCRIBE our actions, how much more likely is it that we would also ACT very differently?

I also have major problems with 'my son is my KING' but again that may be a difference in expression... suffice it to say that the OP may well feel, as I would, that he would rather take a softly-softly approach, and try to understand EVERYONE in the situation, rather than send anyone's ####### packing anywhere... however badly this woman may be behaving right now, he LOVES her, and she is feeling vulnerable and displaced; that calls for compassion, not aggression or ultimatums, or talk of 'shame'

OP, I truly wish you all the best; it will be a juggling act, and you may well find yourself having to make some unenviable decisions in the end, but I wish you all the best with it... you seem kind, which is a lovely trait; don't let that be advised out of you

Hi,

I agree with you-I defintely think in terms of black & white, my father used to say that to me all the time. I do understand what you mean, however-and perhaps it is harsh. I have been described as that as well. My apologies for that.

And I do agree-patience and love is the key here. I appreciate your opening my eyes to shades of gray. Sometimes I need someone to point that out. So, for that-I thank you.

One thing I will not compromise my is simply my opinion on that my son comes before anyone. He will always be "my king". And I mean that with all the fiber of my being. He comes before any husband, my mother, my father or any of my siblings. I chose to bring him into this world. And for me, in as much as I love my husband-he is not my blood. My son and I shared the same body for 40 weeks. I am his mother-end of story. My husband knew this when he signed on for the job. If my husband exibited any form of jealousy toward my baby, he would indeed be out the door.

Again, I do not mean to be inflammatory-as I am not that type of person. I DO so understand what you are saying, ad I do appreciate the wake up call-But there is one thing in which I will forever see in black and white, and that is the love and the bond that I have with my child. No one will ever ge between that, or break it.

Rose

Edited August 22, 2007 by MrsBruce5

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

Is anyone in here a licensed marriage and family therapist? (just kidding) Everyone has opinions but until you can walk a mile in someone elses shoes... The right thing to do is to always protect his children and then try to discuss and resolve the issues with his wife. This doesn't mean always put his children 1st and his wife second, but he must protect them. What comes first always is family, if one piece of that is a problem work very hard to make it right.

You can't put any one person always first in a relationship because it will cause problems. Everyone has a place in a family and everyone needs to be first sometimes.

If he cannot communicate effectively with his wife then he should seek professional help. Alot of people on VJ suggest lawyers when this look difficult the same should apply to difficult family situations. If you can't affort it then go to a church they will do it for free.