helping my wife to adjust

[tomrein 0]

My wife has been here and looking for a job since April. Still no lick with job search. Se has the usual loneliness associated with leaving her life behindas well as the added anguish of having left her adopted so behind in the PI. We are trying to make the adoption move butthe attorney there is dragging her knuckles and we are strugglig to get by on my salary. I dont make a great deal only 40k or so and live in San Diego county, one of the highest cost of livings in USA.

Now my wife is fighting with me always, complaining i dont ever do anything for her, she states everything I do is for my Daughter, movies once a month maybe. Yet I take her to free concerts, and out when I can but the budget just isnt there for entertainment until she finds work. She had finally started to try to bond with my daughter and it wa bearing fruit, but with her attitude it may just stp short soon. I mean this weekend i asked her if she wanted her hair done, she aid yes then and now she ays it wasnt what she wanted, thats $70 later and now she is yelling agin i dont do anything for her.

I gave up my life when she was in PI to support her, for two years I did VERY little with my kid, ad nearly gave up on my second daughter(didnt fight for custody thru attorney exspense). I wrked major overtime,didn take my kid to but maybe two movies in those two years. Now my wif is here and I been wanting to do something special formy daughter before school starts again. So I made camping reservations at Doheny statebeach for ONE night next week and wife is threatening nt to go because everything i do is for my kids. I mean Mywife was living with her mom and coulnt stand it so i built her a house fo 7k. Im at a loss but iknow she needs freinds and work.

I hope she can adjust because even I KNOW I'm a good man I cant take the pressure of this kinda life, work , cook for her, pay school for kid, live perpetually broke, never do nothing for me, let alone be able to just have a lazy day and then get bit** at for doing all i have done.

Any advice is welcome as well as any offrs of online friends for my wfe Rein

Peace ALL

I wish America had it

Tom

[Leney 0]

There is nothing more important in the world than your children. Your wife sounds as though she is jealous. It also sounds as though she needs to grow up.

My ex was like that with my son, he was a jealous crybaby who couldn't stand me spending more attention to my son than him. I couldn't stand that, and felt it to be not only obnoxious and immature, but beyond the scope of normal behavior.

There is no person, no woman, no wife, no lover who should take president over your wee girls. You need to be the grown up here and take back control of your life and your situation. Lay ground rules and let her know her childish behavior will not be tolerated or interfere with the relationship between you and your children.

If you want the marriage to work, I also suggest some sort of counseling for you and your wife, to deal with the change, the adjustments, and the stress of the situation. It doesn't sound like a lot of good communicating is occurring without fights, so you may need a mediator (counselor) to get you through.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

My wife has been here and looking for a job since April. Still no lick with job search. Se has the usual loneliness associated with leaving her life behindas well as the added anguish of having left her adopted so behind in the PI. We are trying to make the adoption move butthe attorney there is dragging her knuckles and we are strugglig to get by on my salary. I dont make a great deal only 40k or so and live in San Diego county, one of the highest cost of livings in USA.

Now my wife is fighting with me always, complaining i dont ever do anything for her, she states everything I do is for my Daughter, movies once a month maybe. Yet I take her to free concerts, and out when I can but the budget just isnt there for entertainment until she finds work. She had finally started to try to bond with my daughter and it wa bearing fruit, but with her attitude it may just stp short soon. I mean this weekend i asked her if she wanted her hair done, she aid yes then and now she ays it wasnt what she wanted, thats $70 later and now she is yelling agin i dont do anything for her.

I gave up my life when she was in PI to support her, for two years I did VERY little with my kid, ad nearly gave up on my second daughter(didnt fight for custody thru attorney exspense). I wrked major overtime,didn take my kid to but maybe two movies in those two years. Now my wif is here and I been wanting to do something special formy daughter before school starts again. So I made camping reservations at Doheny statebeach for ONE night next week and wife is threatening nt to go because everything i do is for my kids. I mean Mywife was living with her mom and coulnt stand it so i built her a house fo 7k. Im at a loss but iknow she needs freinds and work.

I hope she can adjust because even I KNOW I'm a good man I cant take the pressure of this kinda life, work , cook for her, pay school for kid, live perpetually broke, never do nothing for me, let alone be able to just have a lazy day and then get bit** at for doing all i have done.

Any advice is welcome as well as any offrs of online friends for my wfe Rein

Peace ALL

I wish America had it

Tom

You need to tell her the truth. I think sometimes the other side does not know what we go through to get them here. You neeed to just sit down and tel her all of this. I am very aggravated at her ( your wife) complaining about your kids. I am not sure what to say about that but she really needs to suck all of this up and stop complaining. You need to do for your kids and then tell her to deal with it. I think she is missing her baby too much right now. Show her that you are trying to get her baby here. But be firm. What she is doing is NOT ACCEPTABLE

[nicolefarla 0]

before i go on can i ask this few questions? is she a filipina? is she a college graduate? just understand your wife it's not also easy to be far from the family especially in a family oriented culture like the philippines plus her child is left there... instead of arguing and saying bad things against its other comfort her and offer good ways on how to deal with the situation.. i am a filipina also and its just normal to complain.. we know that your financials are broke because of the paperworks processing just to get us here but it doesnt matter coz if you did it to the one you love its just a penny. Trust me i also complains a lot to my husband as in everyday and guess you know what he will always do he always strike a jokes on me if i started complaining...so instead of a big argument a big smile will be the result..and with the case of your children explain to her that its just appropriate for you to do things to them and try to tell her that you are trying your very best to get her child. if she needs someone to talk to im just here.. i am still also waiting for my work permit so that i can work here...

hope i enlighten you with this..

[britbird 4]

complaining all the time is part of your culture? That's a lame excuse, and a lame way to live your life IMHO.

[tom&tata 2]

complaining all the time is part of your culture? That's a lame excuse, and a lame way to live your life IMHO.

What culture is that?

[britbird 4]

quote: "i am a filipina also and its just normal to complain.. we know that your financials are broke because of the paperworks processing just to get us here but it doesnt matter coz if you did it to the one you love its just a penny. Trust me i also complains a lot to my husband as in everyday"

Which seems to suggest that it is normal for a filipina to complain. Which indicates a cultural statement.

I personally do not know any filipina's who complain all the time, hence my comment that blaming such behavior on being filipina is lame. It's a personal behavior trait and not something that I think is a very good or nice way to treat your other half.

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

Are you sure complaining is a cultural issue or a female issue?

[RosemarieL 0]

complaining all the time is part of your culture? That's a lame excuse, and a lame way to live your life IMHO.

I think she was trying to help and flaming her for this is somewhat harsh. As a filipina herself perhaps she can give a greater insight into their culture than a Brit could.

[tom&tata 2]

I think she is trying to point out that the OP's wife is not the only one who complains. She took example of herself, another filipina, and that she complains during the adjustment period.

It's gone overboard I think to assume that it is filipina culture to complain. Just because 2 people claimed that they complain during the adjustment period and they happen to come from the same place, you can paint the whole culture.

To the OP: good luck on finding solutions. Apology for the distraction from your topic.

Edited August 20, 2007 by tom&tata

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

I think everyone faces different challenges with adjustment but but it sounds that the adjustment is more that living in a new country. She has to adjust to a step child, being away from her adopted child, and maybe she expected no financial difficulties if she married an American?

Communication is the key to a good relationship. You both need to understand each other and communicate well if you expect the relationship to be happy and last. Do whatever you must to learn good communication skills it will make the rest of your lives much much happier. If needed seek professional or clerical help.

[GabachaYucateca 0]

Tom...I can understand both your frustration and her frustration, although it bothers me that she's acting out on her frustration in such a negative way.

A couple of suggestions: a) sit down with her and go over the budget...show her exactly what is coming in as far as income and what is going out. also show her what is left over and what should be saved and what can be spent on entertainment, etc. and B) try to make decisions and activities that include your child into a FAMILY thing, and include your wife in planning what you do as a whole family.

It sounds like she equates money spent with love felt, which we all know is incorrect! For example, he takes his daughter to a movie that costs X amount, plus popcorn and soda, but he takes me to a free concert so he must be more committed to his daughter than he is me.

Perhaps after you show her the financials and then start making decisions as partners (I don't know how old your little one is) she'll tone down her crappy attitude.

And since she's currently not working, bring her home a local publication that lists free events (I'm sure there's one in your area) and ask her to look through it and choose a couple of things that look interesting for you to do as a whole family.

If I were in your situation, I'd feel as torn as you do...you have a lot of competing priorities going on. But if I were you, I'd look at how I could make these priorities be in harmony.

Also, I TOTALLY feel for you, and I fully believe how much you have sacrificed for this, but a word of advice: stop playing the martyr and start being proactive in making this better. Hmmm...perhaps I should follow my own advice?

[Jasman0717 8]

Have you found the Filipino community in your area? We found a little Filipino market here in Orange and Claudeth really loves it. I guess I was lucky because she took to America like duck to water but going to that Filipino market sure can put a smile on her face. I hope you can work something out. Good luck

[Mrs.J06 4]

There is nothing more important in the world than your children. Your wife sounds as though she is jealous. It also sounds as though she needs to grow up.

I don't agree with this, both a wife and the children should be equally important in my opinion. A lot of trouble arises for a couple if the children are always considered "most important", but that's just my 2c.

Anyway, I agree that it sounds like you wife is jealous. A little bit more understandable considering the fact that she had to leave her child behind.

Sit down in peace and quite, and discuss this with her. Try to make her understand the budget you are on.

I was over-reacting about some things myself, too, during my adjustment period, and still am. She needs to realize that this is just for the time being, and hopefully things will get better, both the adjustment, the finances and she will have her child with her sometime soon.

Good luck to you, hope things will work out for both of you.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Tom...I can understand both your frustration and her frustration, although it bothers me that she's acting out on her frustration in such a negative way.

A couple of suggestions: a) sit down with her and go over the budget...show her exactly what is coming in as far as income and what is going out. also show her what is left over and what should be saved and what can be spent on entertainment, etc. and B) try to make decisions and activities that include your child into a FAMILY thing, and include your wife in planning what you do as a whole family.

It sounds like she equates money spent with love felt, which we all know is incorrect! For example, he takes his daughter to a movie that costs X amount, plus popcorn and soda, but he takes me to a free concert so he must be more committed to his daughter than he is me.

Perhaps after you show her the financials and then start making decisions as partners (I don't know how old your little one is) she'll tone down her crappy attitude.

And since she's currently not working, bring her home a local publication that lists free events (I'm sure there's one in your area) and ask her to look through it and choose a couple of things that look interesting for you to do as a whole family.

If I were in your situation, I'd feel as torn as you do...you have a lot of competing priorities going on. But if I were you, I'd look at how I could make these priorities be in harmony.

Also, I TOTALLY feel for you, and I fully believe how much you have sacrificed for this, but a word of advice: stop playing the martyr and start being proactive in making this better. Hmmm...perhaps I should follow my own advice?

Gabacha is giving you good advise: including both partners in financial affairs (even if one is the one making the $$$) is a neat way of bringing things together, and for her to learn how finances work in your country. Marriage is partnership, and this is a good point to begin (I am NOT saying that you guys are not partners, ok?)

Another way of getting your feet in the workplace is volunteering. She can try this! And also, maybe take a little job here & there, make herself known as a reliable worker and take it from there.

Harmonizing priorities is another excellent point: I was raised in a way in which my partner comes before anything else: some folks believe children go first. To each its own: but balance is necessary, in my humble opinion. Make each other part of the kids lives. You were apart from your kids while the visa process was underway, and she is apart from her child now: you can sure relate to each other and be supportive. You''l be fine my friend! I hear a lot of love on your side - THAT is important!!!

I think the discussion goes beyond culture. ALL marriages have issues like this one, not only intercultural ones. I have no desire to bash your wife or you - I hope with all my heart you manage to see that silver lining.

Good luck, L.