Question about visiting after filing a K-1 application and breaking up

[cdneh 3,112]

I'm not sure you can cancel the application, I understand that he has to do that, as the petitioner. If you can get your things back through family, or if he offers , good. I wouldn't contact him at all. Not a peep.

[fantasist 2]

That actually makes things easier for me if he has to do it. I know I have made him sound like a monster, but he isn't really and I am sure wouldn't say anything negative about me when he cancels it.

I know yesterday I was all about going down there to talk this out, but this second day I have moved towards being extremely angry and not really wanting to speak with him at all. At some point I may have to regarding my things and just making sure he has thought about the cancellation issue. I have actually started wondering if the break up could even have been precipitated by him receiving a NOA2 notification and freaking out about how things are progressing. I know, best not to think about it or contact him.

[Rc123rc 528]

Do you have your NOA1 receipt number? WAC??????? You can look up onlin to see if you got your NOA2

https://egov.uscis.gov/casestatus/landing.do

[fantasist 2]

I was so sure he had sent me the NOA1 info, but I can't find it and now I am thinking maybe he showed me the image of it over Skype. I was not at all preparing for a situation where I would be wanting to look this up in my own.

[Rc123rc 528]

I was so sure he had sent me the NOA1 info, but I can't find it and now I am thinking maybe he showed me the image of it over Skype. I was not at all preparing for a situation where I would be wanting to look this up in my own.

I can see that. Hopefully, you can get the number so that you know one way or another where your petition is in the process.

[caliliving 606]

i have girlfriends like this.. they ask for advice but at the end of the day you are going to do what you want to do... if you want, go to the border with a return ticket and see what happens.. honestly, he is a douche and he will keep doing htis down the road.. even if you get the K1 he will bail and keep treating you like .. if you want to continue to be treated this way, continue on with the relationship. im sure until the k1 is completely dead, you will sit there holding out hope that he will hop on the first plane to canada and come apologize to you and promise it will be rainbows and roses at the end... its not going to happen. brutal truth is he moved on, hes done and if he gets back with you (when hes feeling down or he gets dumped by a GF you will be the first one he calls) but he will continue this behaviour with you. good luck!

[fantasist 2]

I posted my question yesterday soon after his break up email when all I could think was that I needed to go and see him. I have had more time to think now, and I know he treated me in a cruel and inexcusable manner; I am coming to terms with the fact that his behaviour makes the relationship unstable, and that my patience and understanding has probably actually been enabling behaviours he needs to overcome to have stable relationships.

Like a lot of people going through break ups I probably will dream that he will come and apologize and everything can go on as before . . . But in reality I know it can't and that even if he comes back to me tomorrow he has significant personal development to do before it is safe or healthy for me to even consider continuing the relationship so that we don't continue this cycle. I love him and don't want to give up on him, but I have to protect myself first and foremost. I don't even know what he could do at this point to prove he was making progress to me, but there would have to be a significant commitment to therapy and personal growth. If I am honest, I doubt he will try to repair the relationship or make the commitments I need for us to have a healthy relationship, so really this probably comes down to me hoping he will make contact with me just to figure out my belongings and cancel the K1.

[caliliving 606]

I posted my question yesterday soon after his break up email when all I could think was that I needed to go and see him. I have had more time to think now, and I know he treated me in a cruel and inexcusable manner; I am coming to terms with the fact that his behaviour makes the relationship unstable, and that my patience and understanding has probably actually been enabling behaviours he needs to overcome to have stable relationships.

Like a lot of people going through break ups I probably will dream that he will come and apologize and everything can go on as before . . . But in reality I know it can't and that even if he comes back to me tomorrow he has significant personal development to do before it is safe or healthy for me to even consider continuing the relationship so that we don't continue this cycle. I love him and don't want to give up on him, but I have to protect myself first and foremost. I don't even know what he could do at this point to prove he was making progress to me, but there would have to be a significant commitment to therapy and personal growth. If I am honest, I doubt he will try to repair the relationship or make the commitments I need for us to have a healthy relationship, so really this probably comes down to me hoping he will make contact with me just to figure out my belongings and cancel the K1.

IMO you need to think that you deserve more and no matter what, you should never give him the time of day. if he called you tomorrow and spewed his bs you would take him back in an instant. you are still holding out hope he will show up on your door tomorrow. send him your address, delete your number and block his call. that is the best advice to move forward... hes been shady the entire time (just by what you have expressed) believe you are worth more.

[caliliving 606]

I posted my question yesterday soon after his break up email when all I could think was that I needed to go and see him. I have had more time to think now, and I know he treated me in a cruel and inexcusable manner; I am coming to terms with the fact that his behaviour makes the relationship unstable, and that my patience and understanding has probably actually been enabling behaviours he needs to overcome to have stable relationships.

Like a lot of people going through break ups I probably will dream that he will come and apologize and everything can go on as before . . . But in reality I know it can't and that even if he comes back to me tomorrow he has significant personal development to do before it is safe or healthy for me to even consider continuing the relationship so that we don't continue this cycle. I love him and don't want to give up on him, but I have to protect myself first and foremost. I don't even know what he could do at this point to prove he was making progress to me, but there would have to be a significant commitment to therapy and personal growth. If I am honest, I doubt he will try to repair the relationship or make the commitments I need for us to have a healthy relationship, so really this probably comes down to me hoping he will make contact with me just to figure out my belongings and cancel the K1.

i think i was being harsh tho.. you were in a 6 year relationship and he is treating you like this? i can totally see how hurt you are:( hell, i would be hurt too! 6 years is a long investment in someone!! you are planning your life around him! this is tough and the way he is treating you is awful.. do you think he was even committed in the first place? i am just wondering.. 6 years is a long time to date LD.. not many VJ members dated this long before a K1/CR1 or some sort of being together commitment? maybe he was hoping it would continue like this for a while? i am so sorry:( i see you had plans to move to FL with him and its so hard you were uprooting your life/family/friends/career.. this is such a tough situation to be in:(

[fantasist 2]

It has been a long time and investment In the relationship, and I went as far as to quit my job, sell my house, and start re-training to get a degree that would give me better job prospects in the United States (although it is thankfully also useful in Canada). I probably would have changed career paths irrespective of our relationship, but it was a major factor and my whole life has been centered around moving forward with our relationship for some time. He fully supported me in all of these decisions.

I have given a snap shot of the lowest point In the relationship that makes him look bad (and I feel bad portraying him solely this way)--there were years and years where I believe we both were extremely happy, and in general he is a kind, funny, loving, giving and dependable person who I would happily marry. He spent some time in Canada in the first year of the relationship and initially we thought he would move here, but he decided he wanted to remain in America and get himself established so I could come down there. It had been slow going, and I hate to say (because it makes me seem foolish for being in the same situation again) but he previously broke things off with me just before we started the process for me to come down there a few years ago. Everything had been great until we were taking the next serious step and suddenly he had all these uncertainties--I think he has a lot of anxiety around commitment that he cycles through. We went back to our old long distance situation (with us both just visiting the other occasionally) for some time and things were good (but no real commitment pressure), then recently got engaged to make things permanent. After things got serious he started pulling back, although he kept reassuring me he was just having a hard time not knowing how long the K1 would take.

I think he has cut total contact with me this time because he doesn't want to create the opportunity to get back together only to be overwhelmed again because the only place for our relationship to go is marriage. I think he should be working on figuring out why he has such commitment issues and overcoming them rather than running from them like this, but it's not up to me and I just have to see what happens and decide how to move forward with my life. We have talked about his uncertainties in past a lot, and they are more general than specific to me, which is why I have been able to stay in the relationship and work through this in past. I thought he had overcome this when he proposed and made the application, but he seems to be struggling, and I don't know it is emotionally wise for me to stick around and risk getting hurt more down the road. I would need to see a lot from him before considering it.

[soulstriker 274]

It has been a long time and investment In the relationship, and I went as far as to quit my job, sell my house, and start re-training to get a degree that would give me better job prospects in the United States (although it is thankfully also useful in Canada). I probably would have changed career paths irrespective of our relationship, but it was a major factor and my whole life has been centered around moving forward with our relationship for some time. He fully supported me in all of these decisions.

I have given a snap shot of the lowest point In the relationship that makes him look bad (and I feel bad portraying him solely this way)--there were years and years where I believe we both were extremely happy, and in general he is a kind, funny, loving, giving and dependable person who I would happily marry. He spent some time in Canada in the first year of the relationship and initially we thought he would move here, but he decided he wanted to remain in America and get himself established so I could come down there. It had been slow going, and I hate to say (because it makes me seem foolish for being in the same situation again) but he previously broke things off with me just before we started the process for me to come down there a few years ago. Everything had been great until we were taking the next serious step and suddenly he had all these uncertainties--I think he has a lot of anxiety around commitment that he cycles through. We went back to our old long distance situation (with us both just visiting the other occasionally) for some time and things were good (but no real commitment pressure), then recently got engaged to make things permanent. After things got serious he started pulling back, although he kept reassuring me he was just having a hard time not knowing how long the K1 would take.

I think he has cut total contact with me this time because he doesn't want to create the opportunity to get back together only to be overwhelmed again because the only place for our relationship to go is marriage. I think he should be working on figuring out why he has such commitment issues and overcoming them rather than running from them like this, but it's not up to me and I just have to see what happens and decide how to move forward with my life. We have talked about his uncertainties in past a lot, and they are more general than specific to me, which is why I have been able to stay in the relationship and work through this in past. I thought he had overcome this when he proposed and made the application, but he seems to be struggling, and I don't know it is emotionally wise for me to stick around and risk getting hurt more down the road. I would need to see a lot from him before considering it.

Your wasting your time , while yor here wondering , this guy could be getting ready to dive into another relationship or has already moved on and focusing on other things important to him , all your doing right now is stalling to see if you should move on ,dont waste your time

[fantasist 2]

I hear you soulstriker, but the dumper is always in a different place than the dumpee. If he tries to jump into a relationship with someone else it is going to be a mess anyway, so good luck to him, and after a relationship of this length and seriousness I am not going to get over it quickly. I am okay if I take some time moving on from this--I am not contacting him and taking time to myself to figure my feelings out.

[Noesis 0]

Hello fantasist.

We found your posting poignant and felt compelled to respond because our take on your situation is unlike most of those who have responded. We can’t offer advice about your visa worries, whether K-1 or visitor visa, because decisions made by Immigration agents in unusual cases tend to be opaque. Your worries are understandable. In the end, it’s about risks rather than absolutes. If you try to travel to Florida, you may or may not get turned back at the border. That’s just how it is.

Instead, we want to offer some perspective on the relationship situation you find yourself in. We are a Canadian and American couple who’s been long-distance for nine years. Obviously that’s tough. We’re finally in a position to be together and so are in the middle of the K-1 process, so far slowly but without hitches.

Nine years is a long time. Six years is a long time. It’s also a lot of effort. We encourage some extra effort to wrap things up or, hopefully, renew your investment in your relationship. The efforts you’ve been thinking about, such as trying to continue to engage him, seem wise. You may suggest therapy—hopefully attending with him if you can swing it—as a useful aid in clarifying one’s thoughts and feelings before committing to a drastic decision. That extra effort is not large compared to what you’ve put into it so far. Meanwhile throwing away everything just because your lover has gone into some sort of funk, as proposed by many who responded, seems extravagantly wasteful as well as savaging to your emotions.

We don’t propose hope. We also don’t propose stalking him. We just propose some due diligence. Those six years sound like they’re worth it. And please, try not to blame yourself for failing to see this coming. Nothing’s clear in situations like this.

Best,

D&T

[fantasist 2]

Thank you for the comment and encouragement, Noesis. I have been a bit surprised at how quickly people online seem to advise throwing in the towel--but I think part of that might be that it's very hard to explain relationship dynamics in brief in text. No one who actually knows the two of us has suggested this to me. I think some people have trouble understanding why a relationship would go on across borders for longer periods like ours, although circumstances just sometimes dictate this, not anything to do with the depth of people's feelings.

I have been leaving him alone since this is what he has requested, and am not about to start pestering him. I would like to try making that additional effort, but am giving it a little bit of time to give me time to think and breathe and see if there is any development, and think about whether there should be. In past my instinct was to try and communicate and maybe he needs some time if nothing else. I want to make the effort but not be intrusive and not if he absolutely is not receptive to it. Trying to go could be worth the risk that I end up wasting some money, and I am figuring that out.

Thank you also for saying I shouldn't blame myself--I am unfortunately at times being very hard and blaming myself and feeling honestly quite embarrassed about everything, although I realise I need to be kinder to myself than that.

[Scotland2Cali 19]

Thank you for the comment and encouragement, Noesis. I have been a bit surprised at how quickly people online seem to advise throwing in the towel--but I think part of that might be that it's very hard to explain relationship dynamics in brief in text. No one who actually knows the two of us has suggested this to me. I think some people have trouble understanding why a relationship would go on across borders for longer periods like ours, although circumstances just sometimes dictate this, not anything to do with the depth of people's feelings.

I have been leaving him alone since this is what he has requested, and am not about to start pestering him. I would like to try making that additional effort, but am giving it a little bit of time to give me time to think and breathe and see if there is any development, and think about whether there should be. In past my instinct was to try and communicate and maybe he needs some time if nothing else. I want to make the effort but not be intrusive and not if he absolutely is not receptive to it. Trying to go could be worth the risk that I end up wasting some money, and I am figuring that out.

Thank you also for saying I shouldn't blame myself--I am unfortunately at times being very hard and blaming myself and feeling honestly quite embarrassed about everything, although I realise I need to be kinder to myself than that.

Hey,

First of all I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. Break ups are awful, I can't imagine how much worse a LD break up is. I hope you are finding comfort and strength from friends and family.

Second, I agree people on here seem to have been very quick to judge and to be honest I seriously question what emotional intelligence someone has to think the appropriate response to your initial post is a couple of lines saying get over it move on. I personally would not be interested in their comments! Any way for what it's worth I think your reactions are perfectly understandable as is the hurt and anger you express. It seems like you are right this time to take a breath and wait to see if he reaches out to you, especially as you say in the past your instinct has been to communicate with him.

In the meantime maybe take this time to really think about yourself as an individual, about what makes you happy in life and what you see a happy fulfilled future looking like for you. It could be that when you take time to think about your own needs, there may be things you were actually unhappy with in the dynamics of your relationship, or in your partner himself that lead you to think perhaps the break up may be for the best. It may be that you think of all these things, and life still looks better to you with your partner in it. I don't know how things will turn out for you and him but please consider your own happiness and what it is that you feel you deserve.

All the best