I need help with removal of conditions

[filibusters 0]

My wife and I got married about a year and a half ago. I came to the U.S. on a K-1 visa before our marriage.

I got my 2 year permanent resident card last August. (08/2013)

I am liable to file the removal of conditions May of next year. (05/2015)

My wife lost her job last year and over time she's turned into a different person. She is a good person but she's been under tremendous stress the last year or so and so have I. She loves me immensely but because of what we and she has had to go through she has become very indifferent to everything.

Recently she told me she wants me to leave her because she thinks she is not good enough for me.

I am working a full-time job myself in addition to pursuing a graduate degree with federal student loans. Lately, she's been going off on me and the experience is traumatizing. I don't know what to do as I'm doing an insane job of juggling 60 hour work weeks along with graduate studies already and my wife is not happy with anything despite of my compromises.

Today I told her that it wont be too long before I reach my breaking point. Neither of us have eaten well in months and the stress is getting to us.

She doesn't want to go to a counselor. She doesn't want to meet our friends. She doesn't want to have a discussion. She has come to a point where she cares about nothing. I have tried everything to make her realize that I will be unable to bear the responsibility alone and I am under stress myself but I just end up making her cry when I bring it up.

I do not intend to get a divorce. We love each other too much for that. She doesn't want a divorce either.

I also don't want to get deported from the U.S. as I have student loans here and if I don't pay it back, I might never be allowed to come back or worse, be forced to pay it back from a different country. (I am a Harvard graduate student in computer science)

I am really stressed out. I do not know what to do. I love my wife but I don't know what is ailing her. She may just need some time n her own but with the immigration thing hanging over us, I don't know if it's okay for me to let her go away.

[filibusters 0]

Just to make it clear, we won't be able to get a divorce. I don't want a divorce and neither does she. It's completely out of the question.

[filibusters 0]

I don't know what happened but the episode of losing her job and being unemployed has dented her self-confidence so much that she doesn't care about anything. The fact that she can't find a job in her field isn't helping either. She is currently working a job that she loathes and we are both living in a city we don't like because of her job.

I think only an experienced lawyer could really tell me how to go about in this situation but I just thought I would ask if someone has been in a similar situation.

Thank you

[filibusters 0]

When I was at the K-1 visa interview, the woman interviewing me told me I was the most convincing case she'd encountered. I just feel so terrible she said that. I wouldn't want her performance rating to go down if my case went into judicial proceedings.

[filibusters 0]

So many people don't get visas cause the embassy doesn't trust them enough. I feel we have let down everyone. I am unable to help this situation. The only thing I could do now would be to put a bullet in my head but that wouldn't solve too many problems as my wife would be worse off.

[filibusters 0]

Today I pinned her down and growled at her when she wouldn't stop harassing me. She seemed to feel better that I reacted but I promised myself that it would be the last time I would ever react. I grew up with 1 elder and 2 little sisters and I have never manhandled a woman in my life.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Even if your wife doesn't go to counseling, find an hour to go yourself. Surely there is someone at Student Health who can help you. That's your FIRST step.

I wish you the best.

[belinda63 2,990]

Sounds like she is depressed. Depression can be a killer. She needs to talk to someone who is outside the situation. Maybe you can contact one of her friends, let him/her know a little of what is going on (something like ____ is having a hard time right now and needs someone to listen to her, would you do it?) and they can contact her. Or try someone in the community she may feel comfortable talking to.

[Jacque67 7,328]

Good luck. Sorry to hear your wife is so depressed. Try to get her to seek some medical help.

[Villanelle 4,121]

This is one of those head scratching threads (for me at least) Also makes me worried about the future course this planet as a whole is on when a Harvard graduate student is asking things like my wife is really sick should I call a lawyer?

So before this thread turns into everyone and their brother attempting to diagnosis his wife- its clear the wife is suffering from some kind of depression, perhaps more. We do not know her background or predisposition to mental illnesses. She needs to get some kind of help from a professional because it will only get worse. Since he stated its been going on for so long and she seems to care about nothing she could be getting suicidal so he needs to act now.

There was no mention of health ins or not, if they have ins they can use their ins co website to find a Dr. If they do, or even if they do they can use this website-

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

Psychology Todays Find a Therapist - where you enter in your zip code and things like specialty type (depression, eating disorder, elder abuse) and Drs come up in your area. You can find one that works on a sliding scale if you have NO INS. Therapists and social workers (LCWs etc) are cheaper then psychiatrists and psychologists. Finding lots of Drs with the same address/phone number means they work in a group office which may work out best because you can call the office and the secretary can direct you the appropriate staffer for you needs both price wise and medically wise.

As for immigration which is why you opened this thread on this forum on not a mental health forum

Number one your ROC is not for a while. Number 2 a lot of people confuse the terms bonafide marriage with happy marriage. They are completely different things. REAL MARRIAGES HAVE UPS AND DOWNS. They are not 100% happy all the time. If they were they would not be real.

Your wife being depressed and you not having vacation pictures or happy Christmas pictures or posing on the beach this recent summer pictures because she was in bed does not mean your marriage isnt genuine. Because you are working a lot and living in a ####### place and not in the little house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids- its still a real marriage. Youre just not leave it to Beaver.

As for the not wanting to disappoint the officer who approved you or have their rating go down? What the ..heck??!! That is the most misguided placed concern Ive ever heard- or rather seen. Your wife- the woman you profess to love so deeply on here is drowning but no lets all focus on making sure the officer doesnt suffer a bad job performance review and invest our money into a lawyer.

Sorry, maybe that was a bit too much tough love. But pull it together. Theres no excuse for not eating well. Theres no excuse for 'manhandling' her. And theres no excuse for not getting both you and her some help because you both need it.

(As for your ROC- unless you are attempting to say right now- or if after counselling when ROC is due- your wife (due to mental issues) still does not care and refuses to sign the joint ROC application and you have had a bonafide relationship and its causing you as you say 'trauma' - then you have a legitimate immigration issue and there is a solution for it- but theres no point in spelling it all out now when that does not seem to be your problem)

[Novembro 1,763]

Today I pinned her down and growled at her when she wouldn't stop harassing me. She seemed to feel better that I reacted but I promised myself that it would be the last time I would ever react. I grew up with 1 elder and 2 little sisters and I have never manhandled a woman in my life.

I was on board until this.

What's wrong with you?

[user19000 18]

This is one of those head scratching threads (for me at least) Also makes me worried about the future course this planet as a whole is on when a Harvard graduate student is asking things like my wife is really sick should I call a lawyer?

[VOL 425]

Recently she told me she wants me to leave her because she thinks she is not good enough for me.

I would hit the front door as fast as you can, She has officially lost her mind and has slipped into some

type of mental issue.

Save yourself first, and then see what can be done for her. She may be be past the point of no return....

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

OP: sounds to me you guys still love each other, she is just struggling big time. If you really love her, you do not want to leave her behind when she is having the hardest part of her life at the moment. Sounds to me she is very depressed. Imho, you should seek yourself counseling, and try to show her that you care. Instead of telling her you won't be able to stay around too long, thus scare her even more of losing even you, when she feels she has lost her world is not the way to go. She loves you down deep, but she is depressed. When we marry, we marry because we love the other half, and yes, that's part of it that people change, go through difficult times. Everybody handles things differently. For someone losing a job is no big deal, and will be happily out and out searching for another job. While others feel that the rug has been pulled from under their feet. And it's hard. I think you should stick out for her and with her. You have to try to forget how she is right now, if you help her, then this will be only a temporary phase of your lives. You know, losing a job, getting cancer, death of a loved one...etc. can really take the toll on people. And that's when the other half gotta be strong and try to support the other, and help them instead of thinking of bailing out. And sounds to me you love her, and she loves you too somewhere....so I would actually question VOL's suggestion of hitting the front door. I would say the opposite. Stick around, show her your support, reassure her that no matter how tough her life is, you'll be always there because you love her for who she is, through fun times, through hard times. You said she seemed to feel better when you growled at her last time...sounds like she felt better because at least you reacted that indicated that at least you care. Not reacting in the future means you have completely given up on her, and want to just leave her at the curb as soon as possible. In a depressed state as hers, she might think "not only my world got lost, but the person who I loved the most, and thought I could always count on bailed out on me" and that will just reinforce her how much her life sucks with everything in it, instead of make her stronger, and try to be able to crawl out of her depression. I'm saying this from personal experience. I had a state when I was completely going down on a spiral downhill. Ok, I was a kid back then, no boyfriend/husband, but still. It was due to death of a loved one. I felt the whole world left along with my loved one who died, and teachers, and kids were trying to "not bother me" much that came down to me as a lack of care! It only did worse than if someone would've tried hard to show me they care by sticking around. It was bad. Took 2 years for me to start realizing that I need to do something as it is not right. Started psychological counseling. The woman seemed so caring, I was shocked. After two years of feeling no one gives a , this lady seemed to show she cares about me and only me. I did not feel at any point that she just doing her job. I felt she is someone who really cares. And it helped tremendously. Within a couple months I was a happy kid again, going to school, talking and laughing with other kids. It was a strange feeling to rediscover laughter again...I am thinking she might be feeling similarly as I felt...so stick out for her, care for her, talk to her, ask her if you could help her look for a job. In possible, drive around to see the workplaces, or ask her if you could help her look at her resume/CV, fix it up maybe a bit, so it looks even better. Reassure her that you love her, and you miss her sweet smile and you while you understand she cannot be her old self right now, and that you'd be the same way in her shoe, but you want to help her so she can get a cool job, and one day look back and realize how that tough time is in the past. Again, this is a friendly advice and I feel that's something you want to consider, reading how you guys still love each other and there's no cheating/violence involved.

All the best!

wel, that became long...sorry about that!

[Villanelle 4,121]

^

I agree with the above. I dont view the statement 'I pinned her down and growled at her' as a DV type statement although it could be interpreted that way. Based on the context of the surrounding post and the wifes response (seeming relieved to get some kind of response from the husband) it does appear like you described above. The wife is drowning in depression and the husband is walking around like he is blind to it and everything is A OKAY.

As for VOL, well to each his own. We each abide by our own vows and make our own choices. I just hope whomever VOLS fiance is either participates in the forums as well or he intends to alter the traditional wedding vows- because well...traditional vows- they do include "in sickness and in health"

Depression...mental illness... illnesss...sickness. Oops better bundle up.