emotional baggage of the visa journey...

[Together4ever 1]

For me its a fear he will leave again. Completely irrational and creeps up on me at the weirdest times, but it makes me want to grab onto him tight and not let him go until that feeling passes. I'm noticing he has those moments too.

I guess I didn't mean anything specific by "baggage" other then its interesting the psychology junk that comes up.

Has he been here before and left you? I'm confused.

NO! He's never left me. I should have said the fear of being separated again. We did not part by our choice the first time after having been together almost a year in Egypt, but rather by circumstances. It was a very painful and unexpected separation, that's why the long haul was so darn hard. BUT, I really didn't start this thread to "whine". I'm just really curious. Psychology has always interested me.

I am happy, Sarah, that I'm with him. Overjoyed. Words really can't express how relieved I am to know he's right here. Its just the "old feelings" that v-word conjurs. I noticed it looking through my junk mail yesterday. (Yes! You've been preapproved for a VISA card!) As if....

Anyway, the one thing that is helping us through some of the more overwhelming feelings (both good and frightening) is to have open communication. I *know* he's not going anywhere, but there is that stupid place in my brain that loves to run around in little circles flailing its arms shrieking "OMG! WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF???" You know the one...

Edited January 10, 2007 by Together4ever

[Bosco 1]

I actually had the opposite reaction. It was an adjustment for me to have someone around all the time. I was used to a lot of time alone at night when my daughter would go to bed. I was thrilled he was here, but it was a major change.

[mybackpages 0]

I think this is a very good thread. We had one going in the Sub Saharan about

African male culture and blending our Western ways with the SO's but from

what you are saying there are internal issues in ourselves that we have to deal with.

Stemming from the separation.........separation anxiety .......the fear of being left,

that goes beyond cutural adjustment.

I am not united yet with my fiance but am aware of the changes ahead of us and

am very interested in any help/details/tips/ on how to sail smoothly through the transition

of adjustment and the remaining fear of separation.

It is true ....the focus is only on coming together..then it shifts to " now what "

with meshing all the emotions, thoughts and perceptions of the past with the present to

build a meaningful future.

Somehow I am reminded of the Olympian athlete who wins the gold medal and now what will he do after the goal has been accomplished...there is a shift that happens.

A shift in the dance of 'interaction' from virtual expectation to reality.

Highs and lows. The typed word becomes now the spoken word packaged with emotion.

Communication between the couple is the most important tool. I will just sit back and soak in any wise words anyone has to offer.

I like the way you use the word shift. I think it a good one and very approriate for describing what is happening. Maybe when our emotions are running so high and our minds are racing we feel the shift as anxiety or fear without knowing it is jsut a shift in our lives.

[Together4ever 1]

Yep. I agree.

[LaL 418]

the only thing I am having difficulty with is the length of time it has taken us in every step. im burned out.

[Together4ever 1]

Although we're just in the formative stages of starting the AOS process, I can really understand what you mean. BURNED OUT. Sick of WAITING, sick of that nagging anxiety, sick of bureaucracy.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Jean I really think you need to relax and stop worrying about everything. He is here, he has his visa, you are married. What's the problem? I just can't imagine that after all this time you have waited and finally got what you waited so long to have that you can actually be upset or worry about it. I would think you would be in love with the word "visa" now

[Ta Ta 1]

I think this is a very good thread. We had one going in the Sub Saharan about

African male culture and blending our Western ways with the SO's but from

what you are saying there are internal issues in ourselves that we have to deal with.

Stemming from the separation.........separation anxiety .......the fear of being left,

that goes beyond cutural adjustment.

I am not united yet with my fiance but am aware of the changes ahead of us and

am very interested in any help/details/tips/ on how to sail smoothly through the transition

of adjustment and the remaining fear of separation.

It is true ....the focus is only on coming together..then it shifts to " now what "

with meshing all the emotions, thoughts and perceptions of the past with the present to

build a meaningful future.

Somehow I am reminded of the Olympian athlete who wins the gold medal and now what will he do after the goal has been accomplished...there is a shift that happens.

A shift in the dance of 'interaction' from virtual expectation to reality.

Highs and lows. The typed word becomes now the spoken word packaged with emotion.

Communication between the couple is the most important tool. I will just sit back and soak in any wise words anyone has to offer.

I like the way you use the word shift. I think it a good one and very approriate for describing what is happening. Maybe when our emotions are running so high and our minds are racing we feel the shift as anxiety or fear without knowing it is jsut a shift in our lives.

Good point. I have always been resistant to change, but am making every effort to become

more flexible and allow myself to float instead of resisting the current.

Makes me less of a stressball ! Fear of the unknown has it's rough components also, going from one exteme to the next is just stressful, no matter how wonderful the shift or change

may be, no matter how happy the occassion.

Starting life together, getting married, continuing the AOS, job situations for our SO,

maybe moving, different time schedules....etc. just one brings major change.....so all of them at one time certainly toy with our sanity and emotions.

Relaxing into it would be the key I think.

[Private 1]

I am not that experienced in the visa case but this reminds me of a time in the military. I had made some goals for myself- it was three of them. I accomplished quicker than I thought I would and I was like "So now what?" It is like you do not remember the struggle or what happened, but you remember it was hard. And then you do not know where to go or do next. This process has probably taking up a lot of some peoples time and when the fighting is over and you finally win after a 15 round match with this stupid process. You are sweating, breathing hard, tired, and on an adrenaline rush. The blood is pumping and now you have to come down off of this. It is hard, and I am not sure I am ready for all of this. It is like I am on VJ and another group, but once I get it the reason I would be here is to help people and that is it. That is if I get some time. One thing that gets me is that now I am in the rebuttal process and it is like I am trying to find everyway to document my relationship. This makes you think differently because you have to out think them you know and now it is to the point it is driving me crazy. So I can just imgaine when the time is over trying to stop this annoying habit. I will tell you this, I hate the word VISA and embassy. Someone said kiss in French and I thought it was embassy and I went off. On the deep end. Anway, this is probably a little off topic but I think I understand how you feel. I just want to say that it is normal. You accomplished a goal and now it is time to build new ones, with your man. I am so jealous of you guys. Have fun and do not forget the little people.

[Henia 11]

Being apart from my husband is stressful enough, but going throu INS these last 8years has been a living hell. I pray this year all my husband will get the visa... and all the rest of the INS filing we do, we will be together...going throu it together... doing anything together is much easier.

[Chantelle 0]

This questions is aimed mostly at those who have reunited after a very long wait in the visa process, but not exclusively for obvious reasons. Did you discover you had developed emotional "baggage" as a result of the visa process and your temporary separation?

I have discovered a few very ugly little "bags" so I'm curious if its just my own insanity or if this is a common side effect.

I think the whole visa process was very stressful...the longing for eachother and the torture of being apart was really just HARD and stressful and now that I have got what I wanted I find myself thinking " we had to go through all that..to get this?" Not that I am not greatful because I am and he is wonderful but I just feel that they really put us through the ringer making us prove our love was real when even a blind person could have seen it because it shined so brightly to now making me feel just exhausted and pissed off at the fact that I will have to jump these hoops again for the adjustment of status paperwork. He feels bad for stressing me out and making things difficult with me having to take of work for our appt which is like in a different CITY. We don't blame eachother at all for things but I guess we just are tired of people poking in our business..we just want to be like any other couple in America...just let us love eachother and enjoy eachother..well I guess my emotional baggage is resentment about how difficult and time consuming the process is and relief to be together but stressed about the future things..I mean I am sure they will all get approved but enough is enough I feel. You know I served 4 years active Duty as a female Marine...I could have been in medical school then instead of getting my late start. I think the least my country could do is let me marry whoever the heck I want to marry from where ever they are from after the 4 years of service I have given to them...call me bitter..or maybe it's just cause I am young and unrealistic but it just doesn't seem fair. HOWEVER I have my sweetie here with me now and all is well so WHATEVER! but I really think this process is horrible and really needs to be reevaluated...Can you tell I just went to the social security office yesterday and had to deal with someone who had never even heard of a K1 while applying for his social with him..ha ha I guess she just irked me. I have had enough with government workers for now yet we still have a long way to go with them. I know they are just doing their job...and I should be greatful but I had to vent..excuse me all. I hope you can understand.

[Together4ever 1]

Jean I really think you need to relax and stop worrying about everything. He is here, he has his visa, you are married. What's the problem? I just can't imagine that after all this time you have waited and finally got what you waited so long to have that you can actually be upset or worry about it. I would think you would be in love with the word "visa" now

Lets' not get all personal again, Sarah. Its just a discussion thread.

[shayneandshelley 0]

It took us 17 mos to get through the process. It's now been another 17 mos since hubby came here to live. It's kind of interesting, that most of our issues are coming to the surface NOW.

I guess I didn't think there would be much of a transition for him, since he's from Canada. I figure, hey, things are almost the same in each country right? Well, not exactly. He's not a big fan of living in the city (US or Canadian) and doesn't quite like the pace of the East Coast. I kind of agree with him there. He just recently told me that he's unhappy here and really misses his son back in Canada (though they lived about 600 miles apart, even when we met). He hasn't been able to travel up there as much as he would have liked in the past year and a half. Most of the reason we're here is because of my mother and niece (both my father and sister died and I asked if we could move here to help my mother in raising my niece, he agreed). So....the struggle is where do you live? Who's family are you closest to? How do you make a decision when, no matter what you do, someone will be unhappy?

Prior to this issue rearing it's head, things were fairly calm. I never feared him leaving or anything like that. Mostly, it was just weird getting used to living in the same house after such a long time of a long distance relationship.

Not sure if this is what you were looking for, but this is what you got! Good luck!

[Together4ever 1]

I'm find the responses pretty enlightening. I just thought others might find this useful. I wasn't looking for anything but just sharing experiences. Thanks.

[Aymerlu 3]

Jean,

I totally understand how you feel. I used to be this very outgoing person and through the whole visa (and yes I hate this word too) I started interalizing a lot of things and really have become a different person. Khallid says he sees this outgoing person coming out a bit more and he's sure he'll see the old me sometime soon.

I will not do anything without Khallid, I think I'm afraid he will disappear or something. Hopefully I'll be over to get over a lot of this baggage someday soon.