Husband has been here almost a year

[tany1157 161]

I am not sure if I should have posted this in MENA (where I usually post), I just wanted as much support/feedback as possible.

My husband is just shy a few weeks of being here a year. He is in the throws of depression and homesickness. It has been very difficult for both of us. He hates everything about America. We just moved into a new place in the city, and I love it (it isn't the best, but a start) He sucks the joy out of everything. It doesn't help that he works overnight at a job he hates, and feels like he is learning no skills while doing it. He has goals and ambitions, but I think he is setting the bar too high, which in turn makes him quite disappointed in himself that he isn't farther ahead like he expected to be right now.

I have to admit that I feel like I have not helped in making it easier, as I've been nagging and such. I need to really step back, and realize that not all my needs will be met right now, and I should just hang on while he goes through this. He flat out told me last weekend that he wants to go home, and why couldn't I have moved there. (It is totally out of character for him to dwell on decisions that were already made, and beat a dead horse). He has told me I am absolutely the only reason he is here, as he hates almost everything about this country. I find myself getting defensive when he goes on a sh!t rant about where I grew up, and how it sucks where I live. We live 45 minutes north of Boston. I just got a big promotion at work, and he has his heart set on moving to NYC. I always told him I couldn't move out of state, but he is convinced life sucks here in southern NH, and it would be better in NYC. I keep saying Boston would be good, but he refuses. I don't think we should be making any kinds of big decisions like that while he is going through this phase. He thinks otherwise. It is absolutely frustrating to say the least.

Now my rant. Anyone I tell this to, has no idea why my husband would hate life in America so much. Many of them think Morocco is a sh!t hole, and he should be grateful that he is here. #######? Nobody seems to understand why he wouldn't like it here, as the mentality is that America is the best, and anybody would die to have his opportunity. Really? We are not a perfect nation, and there are other places that have freedom like we do. He had an established life. Everywhere, and I mean everywhere he went, people knew him. He was respected in his city, and many more places. Made his living, and took care of his family. Yes, he chose to leave, but even though we were prepared for this, you really don't know how it feels until you are going through it yourself. I'm aggravated that people know so little about his country, that they just assume his life is 100% better here. It is not. And I am tired of explaining it. Even my mother admitted that he must have wanted to come here, which is why he looked for me. I'm just at my wits end, and am trying to shut my mouth and not nag and fight with him every time he seems grouchy. He is somewhat normal on his days off, which he shares with me, so we try to do things together. The rest of the week, I don't know what I am going to get.

I am beyond frustrated, and if I feel this helpless, I can't imagine how he feels. The recent bombings in Boston were sad, but this stuff is a daily reality for others around the world. I actually saw a "friend" on facebook say right after the bombings, that if he "sees an Arab, he's just going to knock his lights out." Another person posted about the earthquake on the Pakistani border, and someone commented "good." I am so flipping tired of the ignorance of people. I met someone a few weekends ago when I went out with some co workers, and he thought it was appropriate to ask if my husband was a terrorist, or believed in their doings just because he heard he was a Muslim. My husband is actually pretty normal. Wants out of life what most people want. A good, happy life. Why is it so hard for people to believe? I also went to my mom with these gripes, and she actually said "well, can you blame them after what happened in 9/11?" Actually yes I can, because you should never lump all of a group together. My husband is miserable, and I can't do anything to help him, except for backing off for now, which I think would help a lot, but I'm only human, and can take the negativity only so much. I've heard it takes a good 2-3 years to get things to a good place. I don't want to leave my life here, but he did it for me, so I feel like a jerk. I have made some big sacrifices for him too. I just don't know what to do right now

[moroccogirlny 100]

I just read your post and had to laugh. My husband moans too and we live in NYC! He's been working at JFK airport close to 3 years now and started at the bottom but has since been promoted 3 times and still complains lol.

[tany1157 161]

I just read your post and had to laugh. My husband moans too and we live in NYC! He's been working at JFK airport close to 3 years now and started at the bottom but has since been promoted 3 times and still complains lol.

That's exactly what I'm talking about woman!!

[moroccogirlny 100]

I tried sending you a PM but it's not working.

[tany1157 161]

Fixed it. It was full

[moroccogirlny 100]

Sent !

[abdelnish83 6]

im sorry. i dont know what to say. just give him some time. im sure he will get over it eventually. your post actually worries me though, cuz im thinking when my husband will go through hes "homesickness" time also.... i can hope will he wont get too depressed. i am sure its hard for both for you, but be strong and continue to support him even if hes annoying sometimes lol.

[BraveAmnay 56]

Hello Tany how are you doing i tought everything wnet for the best for you I remember very much me and you ahve talk on here and you were very Rude against me .You tried make it personel between me and you .I'm not trying be rude But Belive it or No i was comletly sure your husband will not be happy .maybe you will think again i'm rude but i reapet again i had that feeling he will not be Happy over there .Again Sorry for both of you i hope will be better sooner.there are manything you can try to do together make the life easier .I ntoiced your family is against your marriage with him whcih really not good at all .I'll feel lonely if it happen to me too even if my wife loves me but that her family are against our ma

[BraveAmnay 56]

Hello Tany !How are you doing i tought everything went for the best for you .I remember very much, me and you have conversation actualy a reply from you about my topic on here and you were very Rude against me .You tried make it personel between me and you .I'm not trying be rude But Believe it or Not since that & your reaction ,i was completly sure your husband will not be happy ,maybe you will think again i'm rude but i repet it again i had that feeling he will not be Happy over there .Dont ask me why coz you will say soemthing again rude .& i'm not here to fight of course .Again Sorry for both of you i hope thing will be better sooner,there are manything you and him can work out on it to make the life go easier .I noiced your family is against your marriage with him which really not good at all .First of all your family and co workers maybe freinds judge him before they know him plus your mom was against that marriage that he wnat only use you be there .already you have that Idea many marry to be there coz they dont like their country which is not true at all.If it was true why those same people choose to travel to their country.The only thing i will say the life arround him does not help him at all he want to move where he can feel he is like evryone and no one will judge him due to his color ,or country or religion .This the real life he wnat and that will make him happy other thatn that Belive he will stay that way i'm sorry to say that but i feel that anyway Good Luck for him and you and wish you all the happiness try think about what i am telling you becuase i'm Moroccan plus man i'll will not feel comfortable to live arround people who treat me and already judge me i'll be of course under despression and the onyl thing we wnat in marriage is to live in love peace

[tany1157 161]

I appreciate the feedback! Just wanted to clarify though...my mom made that comment, but no one is against my marriage. I have a very close family. My mother is the one who sponsored him with me, and gave him a place to live when he got here. My family respects my marriage, and my dad, sisters and him get along great. If I wasn't making him happy at all, he would be gone by now. What we are going through is normal, but it is hard. We didn't wait over 3 years to be together for nothing.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Tany! Hope it gets better for him. Does he have any Moroccans or Arab speakers around there?

We cant change the way it is in America but I was thinking what is close to your family and his time spent can improve for him.

My SO also had a big upheaval and wished to go back, He left everything he knew in his one neighborhood, all family/friends, food, beach, independence, employment, property etc...

We try to stay busy with overnight trips locally, outdoor projects in the gardens and even quiet nights together playing backgammon. Right now we watch MAD MEN episodes together on netflix before retiring at night

I guess I am suggesting to try harder to make it better for your family time. You have a young boy right? Do they share interests? Soccer? Fishing? Maybe he will be excited to teach him more of his languages? Maybe you two can cook his favorite Moroccan dishes together? Maybe he can skype and his mother or sister can guide u two with recipes?

How about local community college classes? Maybe he can find something of interest there to change his employment situation?

Did he get his drivers license? That is something that can keep both of you busy...we are going through this now

For us here, I personally wish there was a Muslim community near by but instead we often visit the international market and sometimes one can bump into a conversation that give him a chance to speak his language with another.

Make more friends together that are "multicultural" and stay off FACEBOOK. yuck.

I hope it improves for you both

[christeen 966]

Adjustment is hard and one thing that I know many women's struggle with is our NEED to make thing better.... I know this trait in myself can sometimes lead me to nag the hubby or feel like I have to smooth thing over or defend (sugar coat) stuff. When mine is having "things are better in Europe days" ip before I say anything, I have to ask myself.. Am I making things worse by saying this? And the big gut check... "Would I be pissed off if he said that to me?

I am very well traveled and understand that not everything here is rainbows and unicorns and there are positive and negatives about every place. Some other places in the world, although not as shiny or clean seem more "real" and I know from our experience, that fake feeling they have makes everything seem so superficial. I cannot speak of the anti Muslim sentiment personally, but I know that there are some very ignorant misconception fueled by the media and the general fear that has been transmitted to most people. Many Americans see that things are generally not the America they remember and it is much easier to,have a villain or reason instead of looking in the mirror. I was fortunate to live across from a mosque and all my neighbors were Muslim. We went through hurricane jean and Francis then had our neighborhood down for the count and we had to rely on each other. The mosque prepared meals and invited everyone in the neighborhood to eat (there was no electric for 3 weeks) and ran extension cords... I really came to know and respect my Muslim neighbors as wonderful human beings who, in contrast to all the media hype and fear, have a love formtheir family and community. But I also realize that many people have never had such an experience and their impressions are what they hear.

It must be tough for him to go from a place wher he was like everyone else, respected and understood... To a place where he sticks out and is sometimes feared and does not have a position of respect. But if you two are strong, this too will pass. If you cannot find comfort where you live, I don't think physically moving and chasing an acceptance will solve the problem. Integration and acceptance comes with putting yourself out ther and building this with time.

Perhaps taking a volunteer leadership,role within your child's sports or school or community will raise his feeling of involvement and respect. Since he works nights and has the day free, maybe he can help chaperone trips, coach or volunteer with sports for your child? I would also imagine finding other Muslim community (as long as they are not the lets sit and ###### about how horrible things are here type of group)?

In the meantime, patience on your part, positivity, encouragement and understanding might see you guys throu this difficult time. Marriage within the same culture has a 50/50 chance, so inter cultural marriages require 10x the work. Your lives are a big intersection filed with traffic and you are merging 2 very different streets together into one life, so ther will be delays, slowdowns, some fighting etc... Just don't cause a major pileup, move slowly and keep own the same road and you will arrive at smoother journey down the road...

I wish you all the best!

[TBoneTX 43,520]

I have not helped in making it easier, as I've been nagging and such.

Too few women admit this. Bluntly speaking, can it IMMEDIATELY and PERMANENTLY. No man wants to be around, let alone married to, a nag. It's the chief "unattractant" for any man.

Nearly every other man with whom he might talk can empathize with working at a job that he hates. Several considerations:

1. Always, and especially now, any job is a good job. That he has one is a boon and a blessing.

2. The better he performs, with command of his duties and himself, the sooner he will be "noticed," internally and by outside employers.

3. We sometimes have to walk before we can run. He needs to spend some "time in grade" (at his current company or organization) to build his U.S. resume so that he can show stability when he approaches other employers.

4. He's not alone in how he feels. "Men everywhere live lives of quiet desperation." He's NOT alone.

5. Respectful suggestion: He should act at all times as he wants to be perceived, and convert "stinkin' thinkin'" into determination.

6. Get him some books by Napoleon Hill, and read and discuss them together.

Edited April 19, 2013 by TBoneTX

[amyandjorge 76]

Well, to give you my perspective, it sounds like a pretty average reaction.

`My husband also wants to move to another city, he's come to terms that it is in our best interest as a pair to be where we are now despite the lack of excitement

`My husband complains about his job, he works harder and gets paid less than the others, he's working to get a new job and I am supporting him 110%

`He misses his family and wants to go home, frequently, so I've compromised with what we can afford and manage, one trip a year to Honduras and we are financially contributing to his parents tourist visas.

At first, trying to talk through his negativity was like a brick wall. Finally (*finally*) something clicked, and he has refocused himself. The most helpful thing I did was listen to his complaints and try to understand. I couldn't understand why he wasn't ever so grateful for all the immigration work I did for him! And he couldn't understand how much he had to start from zero at 28! So I just focused on being a better emotional support and he has come around. Long story short, it takes patience.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

I value these posts because my hubby is coming home to me in a few days. He isn't leaving a job behind, but he is leaving family and familiarity. I have talked to him a lot about differences. He has already told me he will be homesick. Some things are in his favor, he easily shares his feelings with me, he has a Kosovar friend in our state, and some various things like a local food store with Balkan foods, and he wants to learn everything about America. First request....please cook him some cowboy food because he watches Westerns and has been wondering all this time what the heck the food tastes like

I wish you all the best because I am fully aware of the ignorant comments people make and irrational fears they have of people not like them. christeen, what you said is so true.