Still homesick?

[Rachie07 4]

Hey everyone,

I am still really struggling to adapt to the US. I moved here in September 2012 after a year long wait for our CR1 visa to be approved. I arrived to the United States heavily pregnant with our first child. I have struggled with the healthcare system over here and I felt so alone in dealing with all the medical expenses we have had to handle (with insurance). I have found when people hear my accent their attitude completely changes and they become rude and unhelpful, often very patronising.

I am very isolated and have no family here other than my spouse, son and my spouses step mom (who is amazing). My spouses Mother has done nothing but make my life very difficult. She has spread rumours about me, commented frequently on my parenting skills, destroyed the relationship I was building with my daughter in law which has left my marriage strained and difficult. Due the rumours about me and comments made about my character, none of my husbands friends socialise with me, making social occasions very difficult.

My husband brought me a car and I passed my driving test. I am really struggling to drive over here. The driving style was very different in the UK and people here are very rude and obnoxious behind the wheel. I felt really unprepared to pass my test and would have benefited from a driving school - which is very expensive and none are in our area. I feel the whole time I have been here, it has been one step forward and two steps back. I desperately miss home and have started to think I have made a big mistake.

I have started to work here too and live in a small town. I find my accent causes a lot of issues. People often try to imitate it in a rude, sarcastic way and someone has even asked me to learn to speak American. It not only upsets me but my coworkers too as they find it really odd how its a big deal for the customers to understand me.

How long does it really take to adjust to the cultural differences and everything else? We live in Colorado and so it is obviously very different to the east coast. Is it circumstances or homesickness? How did other people deal with the challenges they faced when moving from the UK to the US?

Thank you x

[cathy2904 97]

I am sorry to hear that you are finding it so tough; it must be really hard. You really have taken on a lot in a short period of time: new baby, new country, new life. I don't really know what to advise you apart from hang on in there, you are still in the early stages of adapting.

I have been lucky; so far, my transition has been easy, although I keep expecting to be hit by homesickness. I am in Georgia and people love my accent here, although I still sometimes struggle to make myself understood. I am learning to say 'warder' instead of water and the other day I asked for a 'tall coffee' and the guy asked me what size. I repeated tall but when the coffee was made he gave me two cups. I realized he had thought I had asked for 'two coffees'. Perhaps you should make a joke of your accent before other people have chance to say anything. Tell them you are sure you will learn to speak English one day.

As far as driving is concerned, maybe try to get out at quiet times and on quiet roads so that you can build up your confidence.

Does your husband know how you are feeling? You said that his step-mom is amazing; can you talk to her about how you are feeling? Do you talk to friends and family at home?

I'm not sure what else I can advise at the moment. Just look after yourself and try to remember all the positive reasons you decided to move here. Things will get better. As your sons get older there will be opportunities to make new friends with other mums and that will help you to feel less isolated. I hope you feel better soon.

Best wishes

Cathy

[VanessaTony 3,567]

When you say daughter in law do you mean step-daughter? Or your step-son's wife? Or do you mean you have another son living here in the US and are talking about his wife? I only ask because the relationship difference matters.

What has your husband been doing to help you transition? What has your husband done to counter-act the rumours? What has he said to his mother? Why isn't he telling his friends they're all lies?

My MIL is a poisonous person as well, so we haven't spoken to her in over 3 years. We did try Christmas just gone, but she started more rumour ####### not even a week later, so she's gone again. Unfortunately my husband's sisters take after their mother. Everyone else knows his mother is a b*tch so I've been lucky in that regard. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it does, but it's good to know my husband has my back.

People being rude and patronising... I've been to the doc here before but I actually picked a doctor with every intention of making her my regular "family doc". On my first visit (and only visit so far) she was asking all about my medical history. Of course a lot of medicine terms I know are Australian (like my heartburn meds) so I said "I was taking X in Australia...". At least twice she said to me "in this country..." and at one point tried to explain what a "lab" was. She didn't understand some of the words I used (for example when I said "ever") and it was just a horrible experience. She told me I'd have to see a "specialist" to get my Implanon rod removed, among other generic things that I'm used to a regular doc taking care of. After talking to a few people I now know this is not the norm, so after my medical history from Australia arrives and is added and I finish up the tests i need done for my insurance medical stuff I'll most likely be moving on from this woman!

Driving wise... I think you're stressing out because of the other side of the road stuff. I didn't drive here myself for a long time (there was no need) but I found being a passenger for so long helped me get used to the wrong side of the road... or so I thought. First time I did a u-turn (on a deserted street) I pulled to the left and then turned right to go around. My husband didn't say anything till i was done. Then he simply said "good. Next time maybe don't turn into on-coming traffic!". Same with any time I needed to pull over. I would automatically go to the left. That has changed since and now when I went home last September I had to get others to drive because I'd turn onto the wrong side of the road. Scary stuff!

Accent wise - woooee! Yep! I had one particular woman at my first job (young woman) yell "SPEAK ENGLISH" at me when she didn't understand what i was saying and laugh. The first few times I just let it go, then one time I said to her "I AM speaking English". She said "speak American then" and a couple of times said that instead. I also had a few experiences about religion. Australian's as a whole aren't very religious and those who are don't ram it down your throat. In fact I've known people for years and couldn't tell you if they're religious and if so which denomination... so I had to tone down any religious jokes/mocking (Australian's tend to take the p*ss a lot so I wasn't meaning to be offensive and didn't realise it was to these people). My experiences with accent have gotten better. I still get people trying to imitate me and while yes, it's extremely rude, I don't tell them that. I just laugh at their attempt at my accent and try and realise they're not trying to be rude, they think it's funny. Imitation is flattery right?

My point of all this is - one bad experience need not be the norm. Many bad experiences need not be the norm. Multiple bad experiences need not be either. It could be that you're so used to bad treatment that you now expect it and see it wherever you go. I'm not saying this is the case but it's HARD. It was hard for me and I didn't have a new baby! I worry about how that will change things for me if/when our time comes.

You are most definitely not the first to feel this way. Here are some threads:

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/415056-are-these-feelings-normal/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/402846-been-here-two-weeks-and-its-soooo-hard/

- http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/399700-not-that-happy/

Have you considered seeing a counsellor or something? I notice from your post you are very down right now. It's hard to see any silver linings when you're in this frame of mind. Have you considered going back to the UK for a visit? Would he let you take the baby to visit family? Do you talk to your family via skype or anything?

As for how long it will take to adapt... well honestly it differs from person to person. Some people claim to be okay right away. Some really struggle for years and never get better. Some come to terms with things and are able to bury the homesickness when they feel it.

I personally think you're on the dotted line right now. You never really got to have a honeymoon period because you had the baby and your MIL is being a b*tch and really hampering your adjustment. Your husband needs to tell her to quit it, he needs to have your back with the friends. He needs to take your for driving lessons (and not yell and scream). He needs to help you adjust... if he doesn't you'll never get out of the rut. Here's a teeny blog post that might help too: http://sbvoice.blog.sbc.edu/2011/09/29/vixen-life-lesson-i-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/

Remember you are NOT alone. As long as your husband is being supportive you WILL get through this. It's still early days, you must persevere!

[markonline1 11]

Ouch! I hate reading threads like this. I've been in the US now for 3 weeks. So far, I'm not missing the UK at all. I'm sure I'll have periods when I do get home sick, but touch wood, not yet. I'm on the Californian coast, and again, I have no problems with people along the p*** out of my accent. I'm in a tourist area so that may explain that. I'm sure again it will happen, and I'm sure I'll end up saying something I regret when it does happen LOL. I did have a moment when I had to pop into my local Ace Hardware to get some rawl plugs, only they ain't called that over here. I had to ask for the little plastic things that you put into walls to secure screws. I was taken to them and helpfully told they are known as anchors. I've found that folk want to chat when they hear my accent. I kinda like sounding different.

I've no real advice apart from to say the more you drive, the easier it'll become. I've found the driving here to be far more relaxed than the road rage filled UK roads. Have you tried logging on to filmon.com to get your little fix of UK tv? That may help. Hopefully, things turn round for you soon.

Edited March 31, 2013 by markonline1

[mamaSue 38]

I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones.

Came to GA almost 7 years ago. I was lucky because my husband, although a USC, was originally from Iowa, then Connecticut.... we were both new to GA.

GA was just a place we thought we'd try... it looked nice on the internet....decent property prices, and good weather.

He was great....totally supportive, and we were together 24/7 for the first couple of years...I was driven everywhere....I had to do a driving test to get my license (Whaaaattt... my last driving test was 40 years ago!!) but it was a lot easier than the current UK tests....we bought me an old banger, I wasn't confident enough not to scrape a newish car. I got my first shiny new car last September.

Yes, people comment on my accent, just the usual "I love your accent" stuff....I usually reply that I love theirs!

My daughter comes to visit from the UK a few times a year (She's BA cabin crew, so it's not too hard for her) and we go to London once a year, which usually makes me appreciate Georgia a lot more! The only UK thing I'm hanging on to is Corrie... still addicted to it...US soaps are dire!!!

Rachie, go with the flow, and don't let the buggers get you down!!!

[lynndy38 64]

I keep thinking about the 90 day mark thats approaching as I obviously have never spent longer than 89 days here. It will feel strange after that....like Im going to get in trouble for over staying!!!! My social security card arrived the other day and that really made me realise that I was finally on the American system, a bit scary.

I was lucky at the fact over the past 5 years Ive spent up to 90 day stretches here, my husband and I lived together and got to know each others little 'quirks'. Everyday at work someone comments on my accent but so far its always been to compliment it. Its harder to make friends when you're older as people in their 30s and 40s usually have established long term close friends....I miss my UK girls so much.

[rjm_cmyk 75]

I keep thinking about the 90 day mark thats approaching as I obviously have never spent longer than 89 days here. It will feel strange after that....like Im going to get in trouble for over staying!!!!

Yes that is one of the odd things I am expecting (and looking forward to!). I've been doing two week trips for the last five years and it will very odd when I arrive and won't have that depressing bit in the middle weekend when I start thinking about going back to the UK. I won't be packing my bags that last weekend either !

I do hope the OP is feeling a bit better . I have never had any comments about my accent apart from " geeee I love your accent" or " pardon sir" when I've lapsed back into high speed London patois :-) Not one person has been rude about it and frankly I'm robust it enough to take it or hand it back on a plate if need be

I drive the M25 every day , have driven in Italy and Paris - US roads - pahhhh.

[codie 7]

im still in England and due to leave in sept,it worries me too,several times when in the states ive had to repeat myself over and over just ordering a coffee in starbucks ? the yorkshire accent doesnt help i guess ! i remember some construction guys in a diner having breakfast noticed my accent and asked if i was english,one then quized me about my feeling for americans,the US,was i living there or on vacation,did i like americans and the US,i didnt like it,the tone i mean,then he announced to me that ''this is the greatest nation on earth'' i replied in full yorkshire,''tha's never bin t yorkshire then as tha ? and t us Brits tha will allus b just bloody colonials'' he didnt understand,but it made me feel better,my fiance understood and was horrified and told me to not say that,i didnt care one bit what he thought or said because he is and was wrong,so just be yourself,you dont have the problem they do,remember who you are and where you are from,the best bloody little island with the greatest bunch of people in the world,who else could have built the worlds greatest empire and given a love for freedom,liberty,democracy and literature than the Brits ? not mentioning our sarcasm and humour ( theres a u in it ) you will do fine,look them in the eye and remember who you are and where you are from,and if they dont like our teeth then knock out theirs so we are equal.....

keep smiling it confuses them hehe,most are ok i find,ya just gotta look em in the eye

[TBoneTX 43,538]

You're right, si man. After all, we're just Colonists.