Met someone

[Mithra 1,185]

Hey at least you're not starting another visa journey.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Hey at least you're not starting another visa journey.

YEP!

OH HELL NO!

( this is a disclaimer to those on their visa journey....my situation was NOT the average result! Even car and trainwrecks have a lower body count than what i went through!)

[Darnell 8,478]

i still recommend the shooting range.. tis cathartic, at times.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

I'm not a regular poster in MENA, but I've followed it over the years because there are some amazing, strong, cool women who post here, and VJ is kind of not good in other sub-fora for reading posts from such women! I've read what Kat's been through, and even though I've been an observer only, I can't help but opine.

There is never a "right" time to go back to dating. We all have different needs when it comes to healing from a bad, toxic or otherwise poisonous relationship. That could be learning to love ourselves a little more, or concentrating more on family and friends, or learning a new skill, or travelling, or pouring ourselves into work and study.

But the important part is that we come out changed, and can recognise that we have changed, and HOW we have changed. We commit to not going back down old pathways. We see patterns and bad habits and lazy thinking from the past and reject them. We do not expect the future to be any different from the past when it comes to repeating experiences. We break the cycle.

For me, this meant a year before I started dating, and in retrospect, it was still too soon. I too had been starved of the satisfaction of just being touched -- not even sexually, but just touched. (I'm a moderate toucher. ) So I accepted male attention to fill this need. I had felt rejected and old (at the grand old age of 36) after my breakup, so that ANY man found me attractive was shocking, let alone as many as apparently did. I made some bad choices because I was lonely. I pretty much only dated men who were unavailable in some way because I wasn't able to commit. Looking back, I needed more time to heal before I went out there again. I am not surprised I was hurt as many times as I was.

Then I met someone a year after I started dating again,someone so unlike any of the men I had dated (or indeed married) before. Someone available in every way -- physically, emotionally, temperamentally. He was honest and funny and at first glance maybe not classically attractive. But everything about him was so amazing that he became the most handsome man in the world to me. We fell in love and every day we spend together is fantastic and full of love and fun. There is ZERO drama. It is not a grand sweeping romance,with people keening because they feel something so, so much. I love him. He loves me. And it is uncomplicated and sweet and very much the truest love I have ever known. It is the sort of love that moves me forward and never pulls me back.

Kat has had way more go down in her life than I did in mine.It may be a sweeping generalisation, but people who have had a LOT of trauma need a LOT more time. Though she says she is "not dating," going outwith someone to eat or whatever four times in a month IS dating unless they have both explicitly said that is not what they are doing. The guy may very well interpret the meetings as dates. And if they are not both on the same page, someone is going to end up getting hurt.

I wish her the best, but the comments that she should just get back out there are myopic and indicative of someone who a) doesn't know the history and b) sees things through a romantic lens to the exclusion of the messy reality of life. We would all on occasion like to be swept away by something as romantic as what they call in the industry a "meet cute." But that's Hollywood. It ain't real life.

I would invoke RuPaul here, since he's amazeballs. "If you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?" If you're using other people to fill in gaps in yourself, it's not likely to end well.

I'll go back to lurking now.

[Mithra 1,185]

+1

That RuPaul quote beat the pants off of the Les Miz reference, IMO.

I'm not a regular poster in MENA, but I've followed it over the years because there are some amazing, strong, cool women who post here, and VJ is kind of not good in other sub-fora for reading posts from such women! I've read what Kat's been through, and even though I've been an observer only, I can't help but opine.

There is never a "right" time to go back to dating. We all have different needs when it comes to healing from a bad, toxic or otherwise poisonous relationship. That could be learning to love ourselves a little more, or concentrating more on family and friends, or learning a new skill, or travelling, or pouring ourselves into work and study.

But the important part is that we come out changed, and can recognise that we have changed, and HOW we have changed. We commit to not going back down old pathways. We see patterns and bad habits and lazy thinking from the past and reject them. We do not expect the future to be any different from the past when it comes to repeating experiences. We break the cycle.

For me, this meant a year before I started dating, and in retrospect, it was still too soon. I too had been starved of the satisfaction of just being touched -- not even sexually, but just touched. (I'm a moderate toucher. ) So I accepted male attention to fill this need. I had felt rejected and old (at the grand old age of 36) after my breakup, so that ANY man found me attractive was shocking, let alone as many as apparently did. I made some bad choices because I was lonely. I pretty much only dated men who were unavailable in some way because I wasn't able to commit. Looking back, I needed more time to heal before I went out there again. I am not surprised I was hurt as many times as I was.

Then I met someone a year after I started dating again,someone so unlike any of the men I had dated (or indeed married) before. Someone available in every way -- physically, emotionally, temperamentally. He was honest and funny and at first glance maybe not classically attractive. But everything about him was so amazing that he became the most handsome man in the world to me. We fell in love and every day we spend together is fantastic and full of love and fun. There is ZERO drama. It is not a grand sweeping romance,with people keening because they feel something so, so much. I love him. He loves me. And it is uncomplicated and sweet and very much the truest love I have ever known. It is the sort of love that moves me forward and never pulls me back.

Kat has had way more go down in her life than I did in mine.It may be a sweeping generalisation, but people who have had a LOT of trauma need a LOT more time. Though she says she is "not dating," going outwith someone to eat or whatever four times in a month IS dating unless they have both explicitly said that is not what they are doing. The guy may very well interpret the meetings as dates. And if they are not both on the same page, someone is going to end up getting hurt.

I wish her the best, but the comments that she should just get back out there are myopic and indicative of someone who a) doesn't know the history and b) sees things through a romantic lens to the exclusion of the messy reality of life. We would all on occasion like to be swept away by something as romantic as what they call in the industry a "meet cute." But that's Hollywood. It ain't real life.

I would invoke RuPaul here, since he's amazeballs. "If you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?" If you're using other people to fill in gaps in yourself, it's not likely to end well.

I'll go back to lurking now.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Whatever. My breed of Jordanian is so much more superior. He can debka and make cheese. When he takes out the trash, he not only does it with finesse, but also recycles plastics 1-5 with his mind.

This is good to know, as I may be looking for a trade-in after tonight. Less than a week after shampooing carpets, my husband just tracked in grease on his boots.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

This is good to know, as I may be looking for a trade-in after tonight. Less than a week after shampooing carpets, my husband just tracked in grease on his boots.

loooooooooooooooooooooool

[Lisamarie 79]

Well I'm going to be in the minority here....I believe that everyone has their own way of dealing with relationship breakups, abuse, etc. Some people can shrug them off and move on, others need to talk about it as in therapy to understand and get past it and forget about it, some never really forget about it.....but that doesn't mean they can't move on and into friendships or a healthy relationship at some point. Everyone is different and for some, "taking time" means more sitting around dwelling on it, trying to make sense out of it, and more feeling sorry for yourself. Meeting people and getting out socially can make that person feel good about themselves again. Having someone to talk to, laugh with, share thoughts with.... Life is too short for so much sadness. I say enjoy your new friend and find some happiness again

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Well I'm going to be in the minority here....I believe that everyone has their own way of dealing with relationship breakups, abuse, etc. Some people can shrug them off and move on, others need to talk about it as in therapy to understand and get past it and forget about it, some never really forget about it.....but that doesn't mean they can't move on and into friendships or a healthy relationship at some point. Everyone is different and for some, "taking time" means more sitting around dwelling on it, trying to make sense out of it, and more feeling sorry for yourself. Meeting people and getting out socially can make that person feel good about themselves again. Having someone to talk to, laugh with, share thoughts with.... Life is too short for so much sadness. I say enjoy your new friend and find some happiness again

I have been just dealing with the day to day. Having someone to talk to every day has helped alot. We talk all the time and laugh and see each other about once a week..

And he understands what happened to me in ways that I cannot explain to other people.

And as a Moroccan he has a lot of insight into the situation and what I went through culturally as well. He makes me laugh about stuff instead of cry. I have absolutely no idea what will happen but we do have a heck of a lot of fun together and we laugh constantly. We just help each other and laugh.. OMG we laugh all the time and thats kind of cool.

Hes from Casablanca and just super silly and funny and jokes all the time.. I needed that after the drama miserable king I lived with LOL

[morocco4ever 63]

I know, I'm always late for the party.

You are only ready to move on when the past just doesn't matter any longer. My God Kat, you are still going over and over with your past in this thread, so I don't see that you are ready at all. If you consider a man someone who is going to fix things, or make them better, then you aren't ready. Worst yet, if the timing isn't right you are potentially hurting him as well. You are expecting one person to fix your perception of all Moroccan men. That is the one thing that keeps standing out to me with this thread is how important it is to you to not have contempt with an entire race, so you go out of your way to embrace them? Don't you see something wrong with that picture? I certainly don't go out of my way to force myself to like American men just because my first husband was an a$$. Your husband wasn't a jerk because he was Moroccan, he was just a jerk.

Kat, I may not know you very well, but in my honest opinion you haven't come to grips with everything yet. And it is true that you have to love yourself before you should try another relationship. Don't try and blind everyone by saying it is nothing more than hanging out together, because if that is truly how you viewed it you wouldn't be posting it here. It is more than obvious that you are romanticizing the entire relationship. I certainly don't post every time I go out for a night with an old pal. And I don't go on about how he/she is everything my ex isn't. With friendship you aren't making comparisons, because you don't see it that way.

Sorry, just avoiding going to bed because once I sleep the weekend will be over and I have to go back to work.

[Mithra 1,185]

Good to see you, M4E!

I know, I'm always late for the party.

You are only ready to move on when the past just doesn't matter any longer. My God Kat, you are still going over and over with your past in this thread, so I don't see that you are ready at all. If you consider a man someone who is going to fix things, or make them better, then you aren't ready. Worst yet, if the timing isn't right you are potentially hurting him as well. You are expecting one person to fix your perception of all Moroccan men. That is the one thing that keeps standing out to me with this thread is how important it is to you to not have contempt with an entire race, so you go out of your way to embrace them? Don't you see something wrong with that picture? I certainly don't go out of my way to force myself to like American men just because my first husband was an a$$. Your husband wasn't a jerk because he was Moroccan, he was just a jerk.

Kat, I may not know you very well, but in my honest opinion you haven't come to grips with everything yet. And it is true that you have to love yourself before you should try another relationship. Don't try and blind everyone by saying it is nothing more than hanging out together, because if that is truly how you viewed it you wouldn't be posting it here. It is more than obvious that you are romanticizing the entire relationship. I certainly don't post every time I go out for a night with an old pal. And I don't go on about how he/she is everything my ex isn't. With friendship you aren't making comparisons, because you don't see it that way.

Sorry, just avoiding going to bed because once I sleep the weekend will be over and I have to go back to work.

[morocco4ever 63]

Good to see you, M4E!

Nice to stop by every now and then to see how the gang is.

[Mithra 1,185]

By gang do you mean us mean, nasty, miserable, jealous biddies?

Nice to stop by every now and then to see how the gang is.

[morocco4ever 63]

By gang do you mean us mean, nasty, miserable, jealous biddies?

You forgot Pathetic.

[Nasturtium 500]

This thread needs more Oreos.