Can absence make the heart wander?

[r2d2 0]

I made a real commitment, not a "virtual commitment". But, unfortunately, now I have a "virtual relationship". This is due to no fault of mine or hers.

Wrong. If you're having a "virtual relationship" with someone other than the person you made a "real commitment" to, then it is unequivocally a choice, therefore, a fault.

I couldn't disagree more.

You totally misunderstood me. My "virtual relationship" IS with my lady whom I made a "real commitment to". I was referring to the email, phone call, video chat existence that our relationship has been reduced to due to the lengthy immigration process (i.e. no fault of mine or hers).

[TRKCKL11 0]

i don't know how to answer all that i just had 2 whole wonderful days with my husband to reconnect with each other.

but in the between time we have cam and phone.

but we talk like we are together everyday, but hopefully the being apart will be over soon.

[no name 1]

"When psychologists talk about intimacy, they're generally referring to two components. The first is the ability to verbalize fairly deep vulnerabilities -- for instance, to say "Do you love me?" and "I miss you." The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner's life, a state the experts often refer to as "interrelatedness." Couples that are geographically close establish this by discussing the mundane details of daily life, whether it's the fact that you had to take a different route to work because of road construction, or that you have a 2 p.m. meeting with a new client, or that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch."

The fact that I talk to my fiance once a week boggles people's minds. We don't need to talk every day & I certainly could care less if he ate a turkey sandwich.

That's such BS - it implies those of us who don't talk every second of wevery damn day About NOTHING are lacking in our realtionship.

I call it faith in my partner & security in my relationship that we don't need to talk/text/chat a million times a day to be reassured of his love. I have a life outside of my fiance & I hope those of you who talk 4 hours a day to your partner can find one. We lived in the same city for 2 years & didn't even see/talk to each other every day. We're very independent people.

Edited October 23, 2006 by devilette

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I don't mean to seem rude...but alot of your replies seem to be very "me me me" orientated. There is another person in your relationship and I was wondering if you have spoken to her about it. Have you discussed that you feel this way? You might be surprised...

In response to your last question about how long I would realistically put up with no physical relationship, well, for as long as it took. If the process was going to take 5 years then we would arrange to fly back and forth and see each other. It isn't ideal...but it is all about compromise.

There is no way I would give up a fantastic relationship just cos I ain't getting any nookie.

I agree with Mags on this one. Hubby and I went a year apart with no visits, we both remained faithful through it and I can honestly say had it taken another 2 years I still would have waited for him. There is not enough sex in the world that could ever take the place of him!

[r2d2 0]

I don't mean to seem rude...but alot of your replies seem to be very "me me me" orientated. There is another person in your relationship and I was wondering if you have spoken to her about it. Have you discussed that you feel this way? You might be surprised...

If my conversation seems "me" oriented, it is because "I" am the one who is bearing my soul, and confessing to struggling with temptation, and having a personal problem. I certainly can't speak for anyone else.

Having said that, yes, we talk a lot about how the distance is putting a strain on our relationship and weakening our relationship. We talk about how both of us feel as if we are just "dating" instead of in a lifelong union, because we can spend so little time together. We cry on the phone because we miss each other. We both wish things were different. We are both hoping for a "sudden breakthrough" with immigration.

[TracyLuis 0]

I made a real commitment, not a "virtual commitment". But, unfortunately, now I have a "virtual relationship". This is due to no fault of mine or hers.

Wrong. If you're having a "virtual relationship" with someone other than the person you made a "real commitment" to, then it is unequivocally a choice, therefore, a fault.

I couldn't disagree more.

You totally misunderstood me. My "virtual relationship" IS with my lady whom I made a "real commitment to". I was referring to the email, phone call, video chat existence that our relationship has been reduced to due to the lengthy immigration process (i.e. no fault of mine or hers).

Clarified...thank you. But I would still disagree with the phrase "virtual relationship". Although the immigration process keeps partners separated for months, sometimes years, on end, your relationship with your SO is only as real as your commitment to that person.

[PlatyPius 5]

"When psychologists talk about intimacy, they're generally referring to two components. The first is the ability to verbalize fairly deep vulnerabilities -- for instance, to say "Do you love me?" and "I miss you." The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner's life, a state the experts often refer to as "interrelatedness." Couples that are geographically close establish this by discussing the mundane details of daily life, whether it's the fact that you had to take a different route to work because of road construction, or that you have a 2 p.m. meeting with a new client, or that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch."

The fact that I talk to my fiance once a week boggles people's minds. We don't need to talk every day & I certainly could care less if he ate a turkey sandwich.

That's such BS - it implies those of us who don't talk every second of wevery damn day About NOTHING are lacking in our realtionship.

I call it faith in my partner & security in my relationship that we don't need to talk/text/chat a million times a day to be reassured of his love. I have a life outside of my fiance & I hope those of you who talk 4 hours a day to your partner can find one. We lived in the same city for 2 years & didn't even see/talk to each other every day. We're very independent people.

I talk to Sian 3-4 hours per day. I don't do it to be "reassured of her love"; I do it because I love her and I enjoy talking to her. I HAVE a life; but not "outside of my fiancee". That's the whole purpose of her being my fiancee, isn't it? That we share our lives together? Not really too appreciative that you assume that those of us who enjoy talking to our fiances every day don't have a life.

[Caladan 19]

devilette, I don't think anyone was saying that a relationship is less if the couple doesn't talk every day, just that there are different components to intimacy, and one of them is feeling interconnected.

There's lots of ways to feel interconnected, and one of the big ones missing in a long distance relationship are all the little unimportant things that help you get to know the person. If you feel interconnected without it, fine, but if you're missing that, starting by talking about something other than 'miss you love' probably isn't a bad place to start.

[Lou Lou 1]

"When psychologists talk about intimacy, they're generally referring to two components. The first is the ability to verbalize fairly deep vulnerabilities -- for instance, to say "Do you love me?" and "I miss you." The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner's life, a state the experts often refer to as "interrelatedness." Couples that are geographically close establish this by discussing the mundane details of daily life, whether it's the fact that you had to take a different route to work because of road construction, or that you have a 2 p.m. meeting with a new client, or that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch."

The fact that I talk to my fiance once a week boggles people's minds. We don't need to talk every day & I certainly could care less if he ate a turkey sandwich.

That's such BS - it implies those of us who don't talk every second of wevery damn day About NOTHING are lacking in our realtionship.

I call it faith in my partner & security in my relationship that we don't need to talk/text/chat a million times a day to be reassured of his love. I have a life outside of my fiance & I hope those of you who talk 4 hours a day to your partner can find one. We lived in the same city for 2 years & didn't even see/talk to each other every day. We're very independent people.

I've been with my OH for almost 9 years. We lived apart for about 6 of those years. I would say that near enough every day of those 6 years we spoke for 3+ hours a day. Even now when I travel alone we talk daily for that long. Often when I'm stuck in airports or hotels. The content of those conversations is certainly not "nothing" most of the time, but sometimes it is. So what? I have a life, thank you, and so does he. We're both highly independent people and have successful careers. We don't need reassurance. We don't security. We just love each other's company enough to want to talk for that long. I don't appreciate you implying that because we have this kind of relationship we can't possibly be independent or have a life. It's quite the contrary.

[JaJo 1]

R2D2,

from what I understood you're questioning your relationship, and that is pretty normal - be it a long distance one or not.

I believe that when a relationship gets "serious", most people will ask themselves the same questions you're asking. I think you call it cold feet, right? I don't think it has something to do with the distance, it has to do with the fact that you're commiting yourself to someone else.

Why aren't others having the same doubts? Maybe because we're so busy with other "ghosts" that were brought foward with this process, we can't even heard the "usual" questions most couples have prior to a marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your concerns aren't important - they are. I think if I was getting married to someone in my own country, I'd be asking myself the same questions right now.

What you're doing is very healthy and should be worked through. I have no answers for you, can't tell you to do this or that, but remember, we are all humans and have doubts.

Only my two cents.

[Together4ever 1]

I can understand the feelings of the OP and I think its normal to feel those longings. I can't say that mine have ever wandered into the "anyone will do" category. I long for HIM. Period. When those feelings start up I just tell them to shush and go about my day. Its the times I'm not busy that are hard. I think its important to ask yourself if its truly a case of wanting just anyone or truly missing your SO. If its a case of wanting anyone, perhaps you need to re-evaluate. Its not a judgement, just an observation.

[Arazia 0]

I'm a bit of a late-comer to this discussion, so excuse me if I repeat something already said...

Every one of us here comes from a different background, different experiences, and while we're all on this similar journey, we certainly aren't the same. What is 'okay' for one couple may or may not be okay for another one.

In my own case, there really isn't any urge to wander. We talk every day (and not because we need any 'security' from it, but because we love each other's voices) and if we're in the mood, we take care of such things that way. Of course, it doesn't remove the need for touch that is perfectly natural, but taking it one day at a time helps.

I wish I could give expert advice, but I really don't know. I never have had to experience that exact emotion, need, or temptation. Trying to re-connect seems the most logical suggestion. Send a letter, give a call, plan a trip to visit. Sometimes having that visit date in your head where you know you'll see them again helps, especially as the visa process can be so unpredictable.

[Traviesa 0]

I'm certainly not in denial. The temptation is there. What really counts is, will you fall to it or remain faithful? It's not easy-best of luck to you. (Sometimes it's just a phase you're going through and if you just wait it out, it will go away in time...)

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I don't mean to get too graphic or personal but... can you not have physical intimacy with her via the phone?

Sorry but no way. You equate spanking it with physical intimacy? No way. Spanking it over the phone is simply a release, not intimcay at all.

Tolerance levels vary for everyone. Some factors include age, life experiences, culture, and upbringing. If you are serious in the statement that she is the love of your life, you will not introduce another female into the equation. The repercussions of that would be devastating to not only you and your fiancée, but also to the third party female... as well as every other party connected to each player ... in ways that you could never predict.

Questioning oneself and being aware of temptation is human and normal. It is very natural to crave love and companionship and human touch. The ability to resist that temptation is one of the tacit agreements in an orthodox marriage... whether your life partner is within your physical presence or not.

Yes, the visa process is lengthy. No, I do not judge you or anyone else... I am not in your/their shoes. We each choose our own path. I wish you the best.

very well said.

To the OP, I wihs you luck.

Distance "Do's"

Your LDR doesn't have to mean long-distance misery. Here's what the experts suggest:

Make a plan. It helps to establish a plan that includes an approximate timeline for how long the separation will last -- and, to the extent possible, a schedule for predictable visits. "If you can mark down on a calendar when the visits will take place, it keeps you reliable to your friends and colleagues and makes life less crazy," says Seetha Narayan, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Long-Distance Relationships.

Discuss ground rules. If you're not explicitly committed, it might be a good idea to set boundaries about interactions with other people that could pose a threat to the relationship. According to research by Greg Guldner of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships, only 30 percent of couples who discussed such rules broke up, regardless of whether or not they decided to date others -- but 70 percent of couples who didn't discuss the topic split.

Deal with conflict immediately. Particularly for newer couples, dealing with problems as they arise is key, even if it means spoiling the reunion weekend, Narayan Burtner says. And without the luxury of body language, you'll be forced to communicate well, a skill that can only help you down the road.

Share the details of your daily life. Guldner suggests emailing at least twice a day -- once in the morning to share what's on tap for the day ahead, and once in the evening to recount what happened. And be sure to send handwritten letters -- they help to foster intimacy, Narayan Burtner says, since they're concrete reminders of your loved one that can be carried around in a pocket or a purse.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Though dealing with conflict is important, couples should remember that they will be particularly sensitive just before and after a reunion. "If one person is picking a fight or acting cranky or finding fault, and it's inexplicable, just let it go -- it has more to do with the transitions than with anything real that's going on," Narayan Burtner advises.

Learn the art of long-distance sex. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of phone sex, Guldner suggests reading sexual fantasies over the phone (or even just to yourself, at first). If you can't do that without giggling, send an erotic email with the help of HoochyMail.com.

Develop a strong network of friends and family. "Couples who have those kinds of networks tend to endure, and people report more satisfaction with the relationship and in life if they have this support," Narayan Burtner says.

Stay optimistic -- and forget the naysayers. A positive outlook is an LDR's best friend. "Studies show that the only coping style in long-distance relationships that seems to predict mental health as well as a satisfying relationship is when both people realize that it's a very reasonable option -- that it works just fine," Guldner says. "It has its own issues, just like anything else. But don't let people convince you that [LDRs] don't work."

-- Mary E. Morrison

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/relat...-distance-tango

Edited October 23, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[TracyLuis 0]

This thread makes my stomach hurt.