Family matters

[hawkeyez 45]

Anybody had to deal with a unhappy family not wanting youngest daughter to move to America with her daughter?

Fiance is getting all kinds of chit from brothers/sisters and mama is not happy. Uggg

American devil

[LBeachey 44]

Look at it from their side, you are taking their sister/daughter and niece/granddaughter far away.

Some Suggestions:

1. How well do they know you? Have you spent time with them in China?

2. There are also many cultural traditions/minefields that your fiance can help you with. This may include up to some level of dowry though for a woman on a second marriage I would not pay more than a nominal amount (~$500).

3. I would try and make sure that it is her family and not her cold feet.

No matter what this is a good test of your relationship and your ability to communicate with your fiance. Keep in mind when you marry a Chinese woman, you marry the entire family so these issues will not go away. Dealing with these issues upfront will only help in the success of your marriage.

Good Luck!

[amykathleen2005 441]

Send them a thoughtful gift.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Anybody had to deal with a unhappy family not wanting youngest daughter to move to America with her daughter?

Fiance is getting all kinds of chit from brothers/sisters and mama is not happy. Uggg

American devil

I'm assuming that your FIance is over 18, thus she has the right to choose her life path. I will caution you to deal with this sooner than later.

My biggest concern is the Daughter. Is this yours and if not what does the Father think? You don't have to answer me but consider his feelings.

Good luck Sir.

[stevo222 18]

Hawkeyez,

Looks like you have returned the packet 3, so you will be getting your interview date soon. You are planning to be there with her for it, as I recall? Have you visited the rest of her immediate family? Maybe during your interview visit, you can visist with her Mom and family? My Fiancee and I did not visit the rest of her family until my third visit, because for the first 8 months of our relationship they kept saying she was crazy, and they did not endorse her actions. Well, on my third visit to her, we spent some time with the rest of her family, even though it involved a long train ride both ways. We also gave her parents a 3000 RMB "gift" (about $500). The visit went well, and her family endorses the marriage now, and accept what she is doing.

[hawkeyez 45]

Thanks all. The plan was for me to attend a friends wedding in SH come September and yiya would meet me there and we would take a side trip (3-4 days) to visit her town Yuncheng and meet the family. This have been brewing for a while and as it gets closer to reality the family situation is coming to a head. Brother and yiya had huge argument today with other family in house. Just wondering if there is anything I can do from this side to make them feel warm and fuzzy. I do understand all the concerns and they are legit for any normal family. Just don't know how I can make it better from this side. the gift sounds like a start.

Thanks and sorry to bring this issue here but thought I may find some cultural advise which was/is provided.

[johningling 0]

Anybody had to deal with a unhappy family not wanting youngest daughter to move to America with her daughter?

Fiance is getting all kinds of chit from brothers/sisters and mama is not happy. Uggg

American devil

My last trip to China in May I "met the family". It went better than I had expected especially since my fiancee never mentioned to any of her relatives that I was Westerner! Her family seemed to accept the marriage after the initial shock but my fiancee did spend a lot of time arguing with her family about many other matters... I wish I had some advice for you except to point out that in Chinese culture, it seems like the daughter can never do anything right. Even if you were a rich Chinese man, they probably would still object! Hang in there!

[geek and geekette 5]

As a Chinese woman here, I think I know something about this issue. Family unhappy for your marriage maybe is caused by: (1) they think their daughters are excellent, and nobody can match with her, which is similar as American movie “Meet the Parents”; (2) they want to give hardship to their future son-in-law and let him to know that their daughter has strong back-up from family, and don’t bully her in the future. (these two points are suitable for Chinese son-in-law too.) (3) they distrust the seriousness of their future son-in-law, especially for American guys, as so many Hollywood movies and rumors make Chinese having the thought that Americans are easy to divorce (even China now divorce rate is more than 40%, but most of Chinese think American guys are not as responsible as Chinese guys in the family). (4) they like big and close family and dislike you taking her daughter away from them.

Then you may need to know what reasons they are unhappy firstly, and try to find solution. Also it is right marrying with a Chinese woman a kind of like marrying with her whole family. So It is hard for your Chinese finance to make decision to just be with you without her family where she was raised up.

Here is some my personal ideas and see whether they can help you:

(1) A gift is good ideal.

(2) Use some translation stuff. When my finance communicate with my parents, if I were there, I can interpret for them; but if I were not there, he said he can communicate through voice translation of IPhone and his body language; even the machine translation and body language sometimes are really wrong and funny, but really helping to break ice and easy the atmosphere.

(3) Let them to know you are really serious for this relationship, so maybe you need to ask to hold a family meeting or talk this at dinner when everybody there. You need to tell them you love their daughter and will try your best to make her happy. Majority of Chinese are shy to say this kind of words, but they love listening to this, and this will really help them to repel worries.

(4) Talk with them and let them know their daughter just going to US with you and she still can come back to visit them when you have chances….. Trying to help them to feel that they don’t lose a daughter, actually gain a more man (son-in-law) to be the member of this family.

These only my personal ideas. Every family is different. E.g. my family never has this issue, as my parents try to be democratic with their kids, and only we are happy, and they will be happy. Also I train them to accept diversity and difference.

[hawkeyez 45]

Thanks; Collected some good advice from everyone.

Gift for sure. Since I am here and she is there, she will have to deal with it until I meet them. I will do my best to convince that their daughter will be OK. All I can do is my best. Every thing you say below is true.

Thanks

As a Chinese woman here, I think I know something about this issue. Family unhappy for your marriage maybe is caused by: (1) they think their daughters are excellent, and nobody can match with her, which is similar as American movie “Meet the Parents”; (2) they want to give hardship to their future son-in-law and let him to know that their daughter has strong back-up from family, and don’t bully her in the future. (these two points are suitable for Chinese son-in-law too.) (3) they distrust the seriousness of their future son-in-law, especially for American guys, as so many Hollywood movies and rumors make Chinese having the thought that Americans are easy to divorce (even China now divorce rate is more than 40%, but most of Chinese think American guys are not as responsible as Chinese guys in the family). (4) they like big and close family and dislike you taking her daughter away from them.

Then you may need to know what reasons they are unhappy firstly, and try to find solution. Also it is right marrying with a Chinese woman a kind of like marrying with her whole family. So It is hard for your Chinese finance to make decision to just be with you without her family where she was raised up.

Here is some my personal ideas and see whether they can help you:

(1) A gift is good ideal.

(2) Use some translation stuff. When my finance communicate with my parents, if I were there, I can interpret for them; but if I were not there, he said he can communicate through voice translation of IPhone and his body language; even the machine translation and body language sometimes are really wrong and funny, but really helping to break ice and easy the atmosphere.

(3) Let them to know you are really serious for this relationship, so maybe you need to ask to hold a family meeting or talk this at dinner when everybody there. You need to tell them you love their daughter and will try your best to make her happy. Majority of Chinese are shy to say this kind of words, but they love listening to this, and this will really help them to repel worries.

(4) Talk with them and let them know their daughter just going to US with you and she still can come back to visit them when you have chances….. Trying to help them to feel that they don’t lose a daughter, actually gain a more man (son-in-law) to be the member of this family.

These only my personal ideas. Every family is different. E.g. my family never has this issue, as my parents try to be democratic with their kids, and only we are happy, and they will be happy. Also I train them to accept diversity and difference.

[Operator 1,925]

Firstly I 100% agree with Geekette!

I know everybody's situation is different and traveling to China frequently is not possible for everyone. I was fortunate to be traveling there for business frequently when we first started dating. My opinion is that major problem is that they haven't met you yet so you are just an idea to them.

My wife's mom sent younger sister to meet me first, then a few months later we invited mom for a visit to SH so I could plead my case.

You making nice with the family now will also help your marriage, I promise.

Oh yeah and a red envelope for sure, your fiancée can tell you how much to put in it.

Get to it Yuan yanjing

[Darnell 8,478]

ya, spread some monies around.

[hawkeyez 45]

Unfortunately I'm stretching my finances to the limit. Just sent her 2000$ for travel and fees to the interview for her and daughter. Now about to buy a plane ticket for when she passes the interview on the 31st (1300$), Now travel and hotel expense for her and I in September trip to meet her family and attend a friends wedding in Shanghai. Plan is she will fly back with me then. Will also need another plane ticket for the daughter a month after mom arrives. Austerity is the mode here.

[flying_tiger 0]

Unfortunately I'm stretching my finances to the limit. Just sent her 2000$ for travel and fees to the interview for her and daughter. Now about to buy a plane ticket for when she passes the interview on the 31st (1300$), Now travel and hotel expense for her and I in September trip to meet her family and attend a friends wedding in Shanghai. Plan is she will fly back with me then. Will also need another plane ticket for the daughter a month after mom arrives. Austerity is the mode here.

Wow you are doing as best as you can

[justashooter 430]

what you need is something you don't have.

what you need is a chinese man your age or older who has local guanxie to negotiate for you.

having your wife translate and advocate for you is a sign of weakness.

if you had a local advocate who knew you well you would gain his credibility.

[Operator 1,925]

Yeah, cuz the last thing you want to do is gain your own credibility, better to live off another person's guanxi than try to develop your own.