Divorced american man now married to filipina

[Leatherneck 693]

I was thinking exactly that same thing. The husband (if he's the type that divulges EVERYTHING to his ex) might have mentioned it and perhaps she's getting a big charge out of it.

You should tell your husband that being a good husband to YOU means being respectful of your feelings. Men that love you and want a lasting relationship don't want to MAKE you jealous. Some men actually get a charge out of this. But if it's wrecking your relationship then he should curb some of his behavior. But you have to curb yours a bit too. It's mutual respect you're going for here.

I agree with Leatherneck about his dinner time behavior was uncalled for. I think when he gets the text from his ex he thinks it might be important and that's why he jumps right on it. (That's the ex wife being a control freak). Now what he does next about it..is where the respect for YOU issue comes in. He just needs some proper schooling and he'll be fine

Yeap, I don't normally recommend this -- but if the OP puts the husband in time-out/penalty box, and declares 'no nooky' for about 30 days or as needed, that might get his attention.

[iluvmy_hubbybunny 9]

this is NOT NORMAL (period hahaha)

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

Hi VJ friends,

Sorry posting this, i really need your opinion especially from those americans that were divorced and now married to filipina. I am a filipina that are married to american. My husband was divorced. He had failed marriage with american woman. To make the story short, I discovered that he still paying her car insurance, she is the beneficiary of some of his insurances, talk to her almost everyday. I know it's about the kids but sometimes I think it is too much if he talks about where he applied for a job,or anything about him. When I got here in US I cried alot because I feel like Im not married. We live in an apartment and planning to move to a bigger one, but then he told me he doesn't mind living close to his exwife house. I'm like no! I dont like to have a house or apartment close to your exwife, I told him Im not happy when I see or hear him talking to her on the phone, that hurts. I explained to him that if he wants our marriage to work out he needs to get away from his exwife or totally take her away from his life because he is married now. I understand if it's about his kids but what I dont understand is when he talks to her everyday or almost everyday, its like informing her what is happening to him, about job, training, drill etc. One time we were having dinner and his exwife text him. The text was just letting him know that her and the kids are having dinner out. It wasn't a text that u need to text back immediately. But instead he grabbed his phone and text her back while we were having dinner, and it pissed me off. I stopped eating and told them Im done. That he ruined our dinner. Why if someone else calls he doesnt wanna answer. I asked him to answer and he answered i can call back we are having dinner. Why if it is exwife he can't wait?

And also about proof of bonafide marriage. I know and I am aware of the what we called "adjustment of status" and the USCIS will require us to submit evidence that you are married, so to prove them that your marriage is real u have to have joint bank account, bills with both of your names on it, include my name in his insurances, etc. but he never done it by willingness instead I forced him to get me in to his bank account. Before I can't buy anything bcuz I don't have money, I have no access to his account, when i feel hungry I can't grab snacks at handy mart. And thats the only thing we have done so far, seemed like he doesn't want me to be a beneficiary. I mean it's okay but for me being a wife its kinda hurt my feelings. I asked him if it's ok to go back to Philippines because I don't feel like a am wife here. I feel like he still love his exwife although his exwife already married to a same sex. But he doesnt want me to go back to Philippines. I told him I am not happy w/ our marriage bcuz of his exwife. If he didnt call his exwife will call. And also always asked him favor often. But yes I am not happy because he can't take her away in his life. I would rather choose to go back to my country if it won't stop.

My question is ....is this normal to those americans that already divorced? You guys do the same with your ex wife? Just wanna get some opinions from you guys as a relief. Thank you very much, your answers are very much appreciated !!! God bless us all!!!

I am a divorced American man, and yes your right. That is not normal and is disrespectful to you. You are his wife know. Since they have kids together they have to talk and communicate, and being civil is a wonderrful thing for the Kids and them. However constant daily contact and sharing all your life's activities with her is wayyy wayy over the line.

[rlogan 2,036]

It is called decency. People that are on decent terms with ther exes are rare, and they shouldn't be given grief about it. You, on the other hand, sound awfully insecure.

sure -

This is an example of a manipulative person without a conscience blaming you and putting you down, and it is exactly what someone treating their spouse like dirt will do. For this guy it is just sport, because he enjoys the idea of making a person who shows hurt feel even worse. But for a spouse it is to let them get away with bad behavior.

For example, when your spouse is having an affair they'll say how insecure you are, crazy, imagining things, that you are too suspicious or don't allow him time with his "friends" etc. If you were a decent wife then you'd let him screw the babysitter on the dining room table in front of you.

The only person whose business this is: YOU. I would never treat a wife as you have been treated nor would I put up with it. So I understand how you feel. But if your husband is making you unhappy then that's the sole issue for you. It is very common for a manipulative spouse to show affection to other people instead of you. Why? Because they know how it eats at you. They know how much stress it causes, and this weakens you. It wears you down. It puts you into a depression where you can't eat, can't sleep, can't think straight - it is emotional warfare to keep you in a weakened state and easier to manipulate. The text message during dinner was not to make his ex wife feel good so much as to put you down: watch me show you that you are less important than my ex-wife.

You said the right thing about going back home if he doesn't stop. That's right. It's what you have to do: either he treats you with respect or you go. There's no reason to live with a husband that does not put you first. What a miserable life.

[Tahoma 2,291]

^^^ Robert...A BIG +1.

OP...Please read rlogan's post carefully. Your ex-wife issues and your AOS issues are both symptoms of the same problem...your husband's manipulative behavior.

Don't believe his words when he says he loves you and he doesn't want you to leave. Instead, believe his actions. If he doesn't change his behavior, you are right to leave him. I wouldn't put up with that behavior either.

[marklovetina 52]

Hi VJ friends,

Sorry posting this, i really need your opinion especially from those americans that were divorced and now married to filipina. I am a filipina that are married to american. My husband was divorced. He had failed marriage with american woman. To make the story short, I discovered that he still paying her car insurance, she is the beneficiary of some of his insurances, talk to her almost everyday. I know it's about the kids but sometimes I think it is too much if he talks about where he applied for a job,or anything about him. When I got here in US I cried alot because I feel like Im not married. We live in an apartment and planning to move to a bigger one, but then he told me he doesn't mind living close to his exwife house. I'm like no! I dont like to have a house or apartment close to your exwife, I told him Im not happy when I see or hear him talking to her on the phone, that hurts. I explained to him that if he wants our marriage to work out he needs to get away from his exwife or totally take her away from his life because he is married now. I understand if it's about his kids but what I dont understand is when he talks to her everyday or almost everyday, its like informing her what is happening to him, about job, training, drill etc. One time we were having dinner and his exwife text him. The text was just letting him know that her and the kids are having dinner out. It wasn't a text that u need to text back immediately. But instead he grabbed his phone and text her back while we were having dinner, and it pissed me off. I stopped eating and told them Im done. That he ruined our dinner. Why if someone else calls he doesnt wanna answer. I asked him to answer and he answered i can call back we are having dinner. Why if it is exwife he can't wait?

And also about proof of bonafide marriage. I know and I am aware of the what we called "adjustment of status" and the USCIS will require us to submit evidence that you are married, so to prove them that your marriage is real u have to have joint bank account, bills with both of your names on it, include my name in his insurances, etc. but he never done it by willingness instead I forced him to get me in to his bank account. Before I can't buy anything bcuz I don't have money, I have no access to his account, when i feel hungry I can't grab snacks at handy mart. And thats the only thing we have done so far, seemed like he doesn't want me to be a beneficiary. I mean it's okay but for me being a wife its kinda hurt my feelings. I asked him if it's ok to go back to Philippines because I don't feel like a am wife here. I feel like he still love his exwife although his exwife already married to a same sex. But he doesnt want me to go back to Philippines. I told him I am not happy w/ our marriage bcuz of his exwife. If he didnt call his exwife will call. And also always asked him favor often. But yes I am not happy because he can't take her away in his life. I would rather choose to go back to my country if it won't stop.

My question is ....is this normal to those americans that already divorced? You guys do the same with your exwife? Just wanna get some opinions from you guys as a relief. Thank you very much, your answers are very much appreciated !!! God bless us all!!!

I totally understand you as a filipina married to an american man with kids and x-wife... but my husband is really different to your husband if my husband is like your husband then i will gonna have the same feeling that is to go back home to the PH... Just talk to him that's what i did to my husband told him what i want and i dont like in our relationship as husband and wife, and what should be his limitations so he will not hurt my feelings.... thankful to God that he understands what will be my feeling if he will continue what he is doin before to his x-wife... that's a big no to me hehehe... but anyways just pray sis and do what u can do just to have ur husband and to have a happy married life to him... good luck!!!

[Hank_ 9,173]

I agree totally. Respect and acceptance of each other is not optional... its necessary for a great relationship.

[greenwine 1]

I am a divorced American man, and yes your right. That is not normal and is disrespectful to you. You are his wife know. Since they have kids together they have to talk and communicate, and being civil is a wonderrful thing for the Kids and them. However constant daily contact and sharing all your life's activities with her is wayyy wayy over the line.

and the exwife still his beneficiary? something good is still going on with them

[Dan and Judy 614]

My question is ....is this normal to those americans that already divorced? You guys do the same with your exwife?

No, it is not normal.

They would probably still be married if she hadn't decided she was a lesbian.

their marriage was probably based on being good friends as opposed to great sex.

I'm sure it hurt him but he seems to have forgiven her.

His ex basically said, "there is nothing wrong with you, I just happen to be lesbian"

That's why they were able to still be friends. That is unusual

[Laser1 63]

and the exwife still his beneficiary? something good is still going on with them

No, that just means that his ex-wife has had a lot of influence over him, and is still influencing him. She may be using the children as a tool to get that (i.e. "If you die, who will take care of the children?") Or she may be using guilt, especially if he left her. I would urge the OP to gently persuade him to change those things.

Edited May 27, 2012 by Laser1

[TeddyHoney 42]

No, it is not normal. I can understand some communication in regards to the children,,, and possibly some insurance with the CHILDREN

as the beneficiary with a third party trust (Not the ExWife).

Hope your husband will come to understand the destructive seeds he is sowing.

Regards,

dc

Good answer and I totally agree. I am divorved from a Filipina and now married to Filipina. Ex and I have a child together and she has custody. They live across the country. My ex and I are not on good terms and probably never will be. Our comunication, which is rarely by phone and mostly e-mail with me sending her travel itinerary for my daughter - is just about that and only that. Sometimes I have to blast her when she is being extra stupid, but other than that we do not communicate.

Even if we were on the best of terms, she and I are both re-married now. Not only out of respect for my new wife, Ritchie, but also in the best interest of moving on, any communication with my ex would be extremely limited in content and rare in occurances. Life would be a lot easier and less stressful for our daughter if my ex and I could be civil to each other. I can be, but she can't. And I do not allow her to be disruptive in my life AT ALL. She would never dare try to communicate to my current wife, She knows me too well. And Ritchie is not the type to want to get into any drama. To this day she has never said even one negative word about my ex, and believe me there are ample opportunities to do so!. She even has a way of settling me down when the ex has outdone herself in the stupid department with our daughter and I am ready to go off. But Ritchie never fuels the fire (which sometimes subconciously I think I am looking for!), but actualy has a way of difusing the whole thing. Wow. What a gift she is, and so good for me because I am very low tolerance when it comes to the ex even as hard as I try to hold back for my daughter's sake. I'm sure many know exactly what I mean. Ritchie is really good for me in that way, and her and my 12 year old daughter get along so great!

Yes, ex's should always kept at a distance, outside of proper boundaries no matter how civil the relationship especially when there is a new spouse and even when children are involved.

[TeddyHoney 42]

no!!! it is not normall !!!! it is disrespectfull to you and just plain rude for anyone who is married to someone else to show more attention to the ex instead of them,,not once did you say the kids called ,,it was always the ex,,useing the kids as an excuse is sickening and for anyone else to say its normal or youre being insecure,,well i dont think they are liveing in the real world,,sure it would be great if we all loved each other but thats not the case and with the divorce rate being over 50% in the usa WHERE WE LOVE TO PREACH GOD AND COUNTRY i think you deserve a little more respect and attention

[TeddyHoney 42]

A lot of good responses here and I agree OP's husband's behavior is NOT typical of American men and their communication with ex's, regardless of kids involved or not and especially when new wife is involved.

The husband should have whatever communication neccessary with ex under control and limited to matters regarding the kids, insurance, etc. He has the control as the ex can only interfere as much as he allows. His behavior in this matter is inexcusable.

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

and the exwife still his beneficiary? something good is still going on with them

I am not a lawyer and not even 100% sure about this, but depending on your state I think the Ex being named as beneficiary is only enforceable if you have signed a written waiver given up the right to be primary.

[Hank_ 9,173]

I am not a lawyer and not even 100% sure about this, but depending on your state I think the Ex being named as beneficiary is only enforceable if you have signed a written waiver given up the right to be primary.

That I tend to agree with, I know in AZ it is like that the spouse has to sign away rights. But this insurance was enforce before they married so not sure totally on that.