How to deal with separation anxiety?

[Mariya 0]

I have been living in US for 4 years now. I have been going back home to Ukraine twice a year and stayed a month or longer each time. I just miss my mom, dad, bro and other family so much. I've realized though that it is gonna hurt my marriage if i don't stop going back all the time. My parents cannot come over here as mom is claustrophobic so she does not or will never be able to fly.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I have been living in US for 4 years now. I have been going back home to Ukraine twice a year and stayed a month or longer each time. I just miss my mom, dad, bro and other family so much. I've realized though that it is gonna hurt my marriage if i don't stop going back all the time. My parents cannot come over here as mom is claustrophobic so she does not or will never be able to fly.

I am sure that a lot of this is your personal feelings. Alla has only her mom, but does not have such anxiety...anymore. The first year she spent 3 months in Ukraine, this year it iwll be three weeks and she wishes it were less. She talks to her mom 2-3 times per week by phone. Visiting may be your only relief/ Can she use skype? Can you set her up for that and teach her how? Alla's mom will not do it, wants nothing to do with a computer. I never had a problem with Alla visiting but she has reduced it herself.

We are planning to start the process to bring her mom here this year. When we called her the other day she asked to speak to me and said "Hello...Gary...How...are...you?" She is practicing English. She took engineering exams in college IN ENGLISH...50 years ago.

Could your mom come here by ship? There must be some ships still making the trip from Europe.

[Sveta & Ron 23]

has your mom tlk to a doctor as if i recall there is something you can take for claustrophobic also if get a ticket on aerosvit they fly none stop keiv to jfk new york this way she can sleep almost all the flight and can take bus/train from there ? or you and hubby drive and get from new york not sure if anyother flights be so direct from ukraine i know sveta tells me her mom is in whell chair and can not fly but when i tell that is not a problem for airlines she was surprised and this may i am hoping to explain this to her parents

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

has your mom tlk to a doctor as if i recall there is something you can take for claustrophobic also if get a ticket on aerosvit they fly none stop keiv to jfk new york this way she can sleep almost all the flight and can take bus/train from there ? or you and hubby drive and get from new york not sure if anyother flights be so direct from ukraine i know sveta tells me her mom is in whell chair and can not fly but when i tell that is not a problem for airlines she was surprised and this may i am hoping to explain this to her parents

Xanax. 6 ought to do it.

[slim 1,514]

My wife's been here going on six years and hasn't been back yet.

She has, however, been to the Caribbean and several other places. Her sister came here a few years ago and mother earlier this year. But, other than that, that's it. I don't think she really misses home too much.

What I would encourage you to do is have your husband go with you - at least for part of the time. Invite him to stay for the first week or two if you're staying for a month or whatever.

[Petition2252 7]

My wife video chats with her mother at least twice a week. They try to see each other at least once every other year (either she comes here, or my wife goes there).

I had to tell my wife to tone it down, or we will never travel before kids... and Belarus is not a prime destination.

[baron555 934]

I have been living in US for 4 years now. I have been going back home to Ukraine twice a year and stayed a month or longer each time. I just miss my mom, dad, bro and other family so much. I've realized though that it is gonna hurt my marriage if i don't stop going back all the time. My parents cannot come over here as mom is claustrophobic so she does not or will never be able to fly.

What is your age? Don't you and your husband have activities or mutual hobbies? What about children?

Lucky that you realize that there may be limitations, probably cost, to your numerous travels. Why don't you and your husband travel together instead?

There are many many ways to keep in contact with those back in the other country; use them to your best results. Skype is your friend!

[mendeleev 68]

My wife travels back to Russia twice a year, usually for about 10 weeks at a time. It is a lot. I accept it as necessary. My Mother-in-law is an 88 widow living by herself. My wife worries. And she worries, with plenty of justification, about her son and loves to see her grandson.

Last year I managed to get over there, for the first time since '08. And I'm striving to get back over there this summer.

Indeed, when she went back at the end of February, she found my mother-in-law to be in rapidly deteriorating health. We've suspected cancer and may have confirmation today. Obviously, my wife plans to extend her stay in Russia.

It is tough. Extended separation can be hard, especially in the context of ongoing family emergency. It seems to me that this is part of what we have agreed to, implicitly if not explicitly, when we agreed to an international marriage. Doesn't make it easier.

Based on what we're experiencing now, I'd urge those with aging family over there, especially if they are alone, to start trying to plan to what will probably come eventually. A lot of what we take for granted here doesn't exist there in a good way. While I've known this for years, I am shocked and dismayed at the absence of being able to find any good, useful, hospice-type support where my wife is.

It sounds the OP's mom is much, much younger. It would be a very good idea to find some way to get her to travel ... by ship ... or by medicated flight. Last time I traveled, I popped an ambien shortly out of Houston, vaguely remember being over Arkansas and woke up over Finland. That's a good way to travel!

[AmyWrites 593]

I moved to Russia, and well I talk to my fam on Skype every day... even if it's just for some minutes. I visit them about once a year. Other than that, staying home doing nothing is bad. Go out. Make a garden, craft, do something. Meet new people.

[eekee 182]

I moved to Russia, and well I talk to my fam on Skype every day... even if it's just for some minutes. I visit them about once a year. Other than that, staying home doing nothing is bad. Go out. Make a garden, craft, do something. Meet new people.

I don't talk to my family EVERY day, but I definitely think it's important to concentrate on making a full life in your new home. A good group of friends and hobbies will go a long way.

[TBoneTX 43,422]

This is tough for everyone, sigh man.

Latinas are typically VERY close with their families. When Mrs. T-B.-to-be first arrived, she was of course excited about her new life but also almost immediately homesick. It didn't help that, after just a couple of weeks, her #2 sister (with whom she's unbelievably tight -- they call each other the same nickname) went through a life-threatening childbirth. I've never seen anyone so inconsolable, no man -- and there was no chance for her to go back to Ecuador, because we hadn't done AOS quite yet. Fortunately, #2 sis recovered, si man.

When Mrs. T-B. did go back to Ecu, it was for 7 weeks. She was excited beyond words. However, about 4 weeks in, she called me and said, "I want to come home, si man." I said, "I thought that you WERE home, si man." She said, "Si, man, but it's not the same." What had happened was that her friends and even her family had gone on with their own lives, and it struck her that she could never really "go home again."

In fact, the same had happened to me, on a lesser scale, when I returned to my childhood town for my 5-year hyskool reunion, (gulp) years ago. Almost everything was still there, but there were enough differences that it was distinctly NOT the same. I could rationalize it, but it was tough nonetheless, si man.

On Mrs. T-B.'s trip of above, I was to pop down for a week to be with her. She called me shortly before my departure and said, in her little-girl voice (in person, always accompanied by big brown puppy-dog eyes), "Carino [sweetheart]..." I mentally rolled my eyes and said, "What are you going to ask for and how much will it cost, Carino?" She said, "Sometimes, husbands go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy their wives... a ponytail. [Hurt tone] Mine got damaged."

So, I went to the beauty store and paused uncertainly in the entrance to such an alien environ. A clerkette asked me, "May I help you, sir?" I said, "Uh, can you direct me to the Ponytail Department? I'm under orders to buy one." She led me to a pegboard on the wall. Fortunately, I had been thoroughly instructed as to make, model, color, and length, and the correct ponytail was duly hand-delivered to Ecu, si man.

Sidebar thought, si man: One knows that one is incorrigibly and irrevocably married when one finds one's self as the only male in a long checkout line at Victoria's Secret, holding wads of 5-for-$25 women's underwear in both of one's hands, sigh man.

[Mariya 0]

Thanks for your responses. I have skype and video talk to my ukr. family almost every day. But it is so sad that my parents cannot watch their grandkids grow.. My hubby and I have two kids (5 yr old and 9 months old). We have been married for 5 years and we have not taken a single vacation together 'cause I always wanna go home. It hurts to see how much my parents miss my kids and me. Every time when I am leaving Ukraine I am in agony - when I gonna see my parents again.. Life is soo short and it goes by without people you love next to you. My parents never gonna move to US- they have their house that my dad built with his own hands, my dad owns a business there and supports all the family over there. On the other hand I have a husband in US who does not wanna move to Ukraine and I understand why. I am a "home" flower. I always thought that I gonna live a mile down the road from my parents. Came here to US to work and experience new culture, but met my hubby, got married. when you are in your early twenties you don't think about your parents too much. Only now I realize and it hurts that they gonna grow old and there will be nobody to take care of them -

i mean proper care, loving care.

When I first moved to US I was told that homesickness will pass ..it has been four years and nothing has changed for me.

I got a job this week. so I have less time to think of home..

Edited April 26, 2012 by Mariya

[eekee 182]

Perhaps the angle here is to work on your mom's claustrophobia. Would it be possible for her to work with a psychologist, get a scrip for anti-anxiety meds? An airplane ride is defenseless against some klonopin.

But yes, it is true that once you leave your home, having all of the people you love together one place is impossible, and you're always going to have to make sacrifices.

[AmyWrites 593]

I agree, sadly, you'll have to make sacrifices, or your husband will. Always like that with these types of relationships.

I'm going out on a limb here, but is your family supportive of the move? When I first came to Russia, my parents spent the first months begging and pleading me to come back, and it just made a hard time worse. If they aren't, maybe you could talk to them, to get them to not focus on the negatives (missing each other) and talk about other things.

[Mariya 0]

I can't say either way if they are supportive or not.. they were never excited about me moving to US. So they are just "sucking it up" realizing that I need to go back to the father of my kids and my husband..