kennard's various jokes

[X Factor 1,110]

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office, it's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.....

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet~suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi! Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my behind started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse!!! Within a few seconds my butt started to REALLY BURN, I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In AGONY I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a JELLYFISH and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my behind was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt!

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically! Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my behind as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but that wasn't the worst of it!! I couldn't poop for two days because my behind was swollen SHUT! So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your behind. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a BAD DAY, ask yourself.... IS THIS A JELLYFISH BAD DAY????

May you NEVER have a JELLYFISH BAD DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

[X Factor 1,110]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where

a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down

except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

• Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

• The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

• The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

• Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good

looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I

can hardly stand it!"

• Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help

with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so

tempted to stay,

• but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store !

THE WIFE STORE

• A new wives store opened across the street.

• The first floor has women that love sex.

• The second floor has women that love sex and have money.

• The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[X Factor 1,110]

Collard Greens

An old man in the south lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jenkins, III, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebug

Jenkins, III,

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love

Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jenkins,

Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Junebug

Jenkins, III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy

Jenkins,

You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the

circumstances.

Love Junebug, III

[X Factor 1,110]

The blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.

It's been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!", and goes downstairs. . .

She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking;. . . what did you do . . ?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard; let's see how they like it!"

[X Factor 1,110]

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to anasylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at aplay and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

[X Factor 1,110]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said:

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location'."

[X Factor 1,110]

PC Spelling Checkers have become increasingly common and increasingly important... But are they always everything they're supposed to be?!

Spelling Poem

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

[X Factor 1,110]

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

[X Factor 1,110]

Winfield was in trouble. He forgot our wedding anniversary.

I was really angry. I told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Winfield got up early and left for work. When I woke up I looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, I put on my robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. I opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Winfield has been missing since Friday.

[X Factor 1,110]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his

Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they

were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for

them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands,

sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were

touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him

during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication

;that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to

come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died

between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

[X Factor 1,110]

This has got to be one of the cleverest

E-mails I've received in awhile.

Someone out there either has too much

spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT ####### SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay

too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

[Darnell 8,478]

Winfield made it to my house, he's in the 'stupid husband protection program' for the next 4 weeks.

[X Factor 1,110]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lápiz."

A student asked, "What gender is computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should

definitely be of the feminine

gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their

internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(This Gets Better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to

turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

[Dan & Jenni 457]

[X Factor 1,110]

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,

"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and

shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big

kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and

there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So

I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,

she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they

will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying

my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,

yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to

miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile

and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some

coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since

it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make

me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and

since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have

lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of

town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a

nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't

we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good

idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her

apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you

will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she

left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big

birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with

nothing on but my socks.