Arguments About Sending Money Back Home?

[rlogan 2,036]

One thing about most Filipinos are, they ask indirectly.

They learn to be manipulative, sure. It rots a person to the core because it is a lie to pretend you are not asking. Being manipulative is much worse than asking openly because not only are you asking for the money, but you are also lying to the person and insulting their intelligence at the same time. You are refusing to accept responsibility for your actions by framing it in a way that lets you deny you are asking.

As an example, the mother-in-law pretended she was "too shy" to say that they didn't have money for the electric bill, so she waited until it was going to be cut off the next day.

The truth is the opposite. Day after day went by with cruel calculation: keep it secret from him so that he doesn't ask why we aren't working to pay the bill we know is coming, or reducing our electric use. Make it an emergency so that he will feel obligated to pay.

My wife had some hard lessons to learn, but she learned them before I married her. She thought that they acted this way because they were poor. It is the opposite: they are poor because they act this way. Getting married is supposed to lift you up in life, not drag me down to your level. It doesn't have anything to do with money. All the money in the world won't change things for you. It has do to with making good decisions day after day and planning instead of making irresponsible decisions and failing to plan.

[maning 36]

They learn to be manipulative, sure. It rots a person to the core because it is a lie to pretend you are not asking. Being manipulative is much worse than asking openly because not only are you asking for the money, but you are also lying to the person and insulting their intelligence at the same time. You are refusing to accept responsibility for your actions by framing it in a way that lets you deny you are asking.

As an example, the mother-in-law pretended she was "too shy" to say that they didn't have money for the electric bill, so she waited until it was going to be cut off the next day.

The truth is the opposite. Day after day went by with cruel calculation: keep it secret from him so that he doesn't ask why we aren't working to pay the bill we know is coming, or reducing our electric use. Make it an emergency so that he will feel obligated to pay.

My wife had some hard lessons to learn, but she learned them before I married her. She thought that they acted this way because they were poor. It is the opposite: they are poor because they act this way. Getting married is supposed to lift you up in life, not drag me down to your level. It doesn't have anything to do with money. All the money in the world won't change things for you. It has do to with making good decisions day after day and planning instead of making irresponsible decisions and failing to plan.

You are exactly right, it's like you're in my head man lol Also, this is so true: "She thought that they acted this way because they were poor. It is the opposite: they are poor because they act this way."

My mother in law has done this to my fiancee numerous occasions where she will wait till the bills are past due and they are threatening to cut off her electricity or water, so she knows my fiancee can't refuse. They know how to play the guilt trip on you. It's calculated and they know how to manipulate her in order to get what they want. My fiancee took a long time to learn this, but she has caught on and doesn't fall for it anymore. She simply ignores their pleas for help and only sends when she feels like it. My fiancee looks at her parents with love, but at the same time she hates the fact that they made decisions in their life that she now has to deal with and they seem not to have no sense of ownership of the mistakes they made. She hates that she wants to move forward and achieve her goals, but her family keeps pulling her back and reminding her of her past. You are definitely right about money can't change things for you. First time, I met my fiancee she told me that she took time off from school to go to work. She would send money back home every week, so her mom can start a business. Every week she would send and her mom would report on things she spent and how the business was doing. She worked all year and finally went home and guess what... there was no business. Money was spent to pay all her parents' debt. She said she cried and cried and decided then that she will never let her family get in the way of her succeeding in life. She packed her bags and left and didn't talk to them for a year. In that year, she met me heh. She now has two degrees and is a RN. Hopefully by next year she is working as a RN in the USA and hopefully continue her education. I'm really proud of her. I actually cried when she graduated heh.

I also don't quite get how before when they were poor, they to have enough. Now that they are receiving more money, they seem to always run out. lol

[TeapotGirl 66]

I also don't quite get how before when they were poor, they to have enough. Now that they are receiving more money, they seem to always run out. lol

Children are afraid to be called ingrate.

[Tahoma 2,291]

All too often we hear tales of Non working Mothers who spit out baby after Baby, being provided Nice HUD homes, they have direct TV, government provided Cell phones, drive nice cars etc etc. That has go to stop. Ok sorry I kind of got off track.

If Ronald Reagan's fictitious welfare queen who runs around town in a Cadillac makes your blood boil, then the magnitude of corporate welfare should make your head explode.

[rlogan 2,036]

My mother in law has done this to my fiancee numerous occasions where she will wait till the bills are past due and they are threatening to cut off her electricity or water, so she knows my fiancee can't refuse. They know how to play the guilt trip on you. It's calculated and they know how to manipulate her in order to get what they want. My fiancee took a long time to learn this, but she has caught on and doesn't fall for it anymore. She simply ignores their pleas for help and only sends when she feels like it.

The thing a person has to appreciate is how calculatingly evil it is to do this to a daughter. They know exactly what they are doing. Parents are supposed to protect children from harm, not blackmail them.

She would send money back home every week, so her mom can start a business. Every week she would send and her mom would report on things she spent and how the business was doing. She worked all year and finally went home and guess what... there was no business. Money was spent to pay all her parents' debt. She said she cried and cried and decided then that she will never let her family get in the way of her succeeding in life. She packed her bags and left and didn't talk to them for a year.

How awful. She did the right thing. Taking on debt without telling you, but planning on having you pay it is also another classic manipulative trick. You have to tell them that you aren't stupid, and that when they borrowed money their plan all along was to come blackmail you for it.

I also don't quite get how before when they were poor, they to have enough. Now that they are receiving more money, they seem to always run out. lol

The strategy of the leech is to be in a perpetual state of crisis. If you have money in your hands you have to get rid of it quick so that you can blackmail for more.

[B_J 2,752]

I think it really depends on the people involved.

The most important thing is the issue that rlogan always talks about and it is manipulation. There have been times when I couldn't send money and the answer was always, "Don't worry about it. Take care of yourself. Just help when you can." I've never been taken advantage of or been manipulated. If I can help, they appreciate it. If I can't help, they understand. Honesty is always better than manipulation.

I send money back but it's not like nobody in the family is working. The oldest brother works and so does his wife. Nanay watches their child while they are working. I can't send a lot; but what I do send is used for necessities and Nanay always tries to save whatever little bit might be left over. I'd be rich if I was as good with money as Nanay is. The people I send money to are my family and they have been great to me. I couldn't imagine not doing what I can to help.

I help them and I know that they are there for me. That's just what family is supposed to do for each other.

[Theresa0828 65]

This is a familiar story for me... I am better than most I guess coz I only have a mother and my sister who is also overseas shares the responsibility with me, and we agree on a definite amount monthly... Now if my mother choose to help my brothers with that money, its up to her... Once in awhile my older brother goes directly to us which is fine coz we can draw a line of where we can help and where we can't.

My sister and I also do not call home... and whenever my mom or my older brother call, we know that they are asking for extra, and both and me and my sister are dreading that call... I thank God though that I have my sister who understands very well what I am going through coz we are both on the same boat... At least I have someone to talk to... and also, I have a younger brother who is very close to me growing up and I let him see these things and he never asked for anything... he understands... and he actually say thank you whenever we give him gifts and stuff that he doesn't expects... and he values everything that we gave him... I can't do anything though with my mother and older brother... I did try to explain before... they got better... but after awhile, they do it again...

[NoneYa 73]

I haven't read every reply here because this doesn't apply to me. All I know is that some people can be sneaky and manipulative. I knew a Russian woman like that but certainly many Russians are not. I am shocked at some of the comments here to be honest because I see none of this in my financee's family. She's not lazy or maniputlative and she has told me three to four times not to send more money.

I knew to look for both of these traits when I met her. If you guys didn't spot these signs when you got involved then you didn't do your research correctly when you met your mate. I am positive my finance is good and I know we won't have any issues like you guys are experiencing. Maybe you were looking too close to Manila ?

[maning 36]

I haven't read every reply here because this doesn't apply to me. All I know is that some people can be sneaky and manipulative. I knew a Russian woman like that but certainly many Russians are not. I am shocked at some of the comments here to be honest because I see none of this in my financee's family. She's not lazy or maniputlative and she has told me three to four times not to send more money.

I knew to look for both of these traits when I met her. If you guys didn't spot these signs when you got involved then you didn't do your research correctly when you met your mate. I am positive my finance is good and I know we won't have any issues like you guys are experiencing. Maybe you were looking too close to Manila ?

Well, I guess you are replying to the wrong thread or because none of the people who posted here are talking any ill about their fiancees. I was simply stating my experience with sending money to help my fiancee's family. So I don't know what you're implying when you state, "I knew to look for both of these traits when I met her." Again, there's nothing wrong with my fiancee. When I met my fiancee, the thought of having to help her family never crossed my mind. When I had my first love back in grade school, I did not think "hmm, I like this girl, but let me research her more carefully and see if her family will need my lunch money in the future." I've never thought I would be in a relationship where I had to support my fiancee's family back home, but I fell in love with her. Why would I turn away simply because I had to help her family in return?

Again, you are reading the posts here completely wrong, no one here stated that their fiancee is lazy or manipulative. Also, good for you that your fiancee's family does not ask for money. I applaud that and everyone's experience is different. I do not have any problem providing money, when money is needed, since they are now my family. I love her family and bonded well with them. What I'm not going to do like I have already stated is pay for someone else's problems and mistakes.

Maybe you were looking too close to Manila ? <--- I don't know what you're implying, but okie dokie.

[NoneYa 73]

@Maning- sorry I misunderstood most of what was written. I usually read all the comments and comprehend more before I comment. That's good you care about her family too as I do as well. Nobody wants to be viewed as an ATM. Good luck with everything.

[maning 36]

I think it really depends on the people involved.

The most important thing is the issue that rlogan always talks about and it is manipulation. There have been times when I couldn't send money and the answer was always, "Don't worry about it. Take care of yourself. Just help when you can." I've never been taken advantage of or been manipulated. If I can help, they appreciate it. If I can't help, they understand. Honesty is always better than manipulation.

I send money back but it's not like nobody in the family is working. The oldest brother works and so does his wife. Nanay watches their child while they are working. I can't send a lot; but what I do send is used for necessities and Nanay always tries to save whatever little bit might be left over. I'd be rich if I was as good with money as Nanay is. The people I send money to are my family and they have been great to me. I couldn't imagine not doing what I can to help.

I help them and I know that they are there for me. That's just what family is supposed to do for each other.

My fiancee's family has never actually asked me money directly. They usually ask my fiancee, so she has to deal with the situation. I don't bother to butt in because my fiancee handles the situation well on her own. Sometimes my fiancee gets frustrated with her family because she simply cannot provide money to them all the time. She has her own bills and her own life to deal with. When my fiancee ask me for money, I don't mind giving to her. I just have a problem with her being taken advantage of simply because she's enjoying a better life. Also, I have help her family out tremendously throughout the years, I just don't want it to interfere with our life together. Which is probably our only reason why we even argue sometimes. My priority is my fiancee and her happiness.

Also, we don't have any problems sending her siblings through college, I think education is valuable. We'll help out, but at the same time we want to see effort because I'm not going to lie, the money I send comes from hard work on my part. I don't sit in an office twiddling my thumbs and money magically appears in my pockets. I work in construction and I work 10 hour days most of the time in 100f heat and 20f cold. I don't have the luxury to throw my money around if someone doesn't put the effort I put into earning that money. Anyway, we helped her sister graduate from college and now is working as a call center supervisor and helps out with the family as well. Her other siblings are all going to college and hopefully within a few years they will be working as well. So my fiancee's plan actually is working and hopefully in a few years everyone will stop relying on only her.

[maning 36]

@Maning- sorry I misunderstood most of what was written. I usually read all the comments and comprehend more before I comment. That's good you care about her family too as I do as well. Nobody wants to be viewed as an ATM. Good luck with everything.

Thanks man and good luck with everything too. My fiancee probably views herself as an ATM because she deals with her family on her own concerning money problems. I'm the silent benefactor who goes unnoticed lol. My fiancee and I joke about it though, like when her nephew recently called her to thank her for the toys he received for his birthday in the mail. He called and thanked her, but I was the one who went out and shopped for the toys, bought them, gift wrapped them, drive an hour to the nearest LBC office to mail it out. No thanks to be had for me lol. I'm just happy to do my part.

[Tahoma 2,291]

Chinook sends a monthly allowance to her widowed mother. If other family members ask Chinook for money, she tells them to ask her mother. That way, it's her mother's decision on whether to help them out. However, if her mother helps them out, the money comes out of mother's own allowance. It seems to work well.

[ronluvme 10]

Hello guys,

I just trully love these posts,I am filipina and my husband is american.when I lived with sister in manila I was obliged to help her family bcoz I ived with her,then I got tired of her I decided to live with another sister,I used to help her and her daughter every time I get my salary,they never get happy even I gave them more,when I moved here in usa,she just texted me when she needs some money,even on my bday she never text or bother to text..then I forgive her and so I help her she said that she likes to have a sari sari store so asked her how much she needs for it said 500$to start..so I did send her that 500$.we both agree that she is going to update me,.after month I called her asked her how's the store she said got banckcrut.I was really disappointed,she insisted to ask more money for her daughter schooling,help her to pay her credit to her friend,and her daugther prom this february,and I just simply said,,,the money I gave you is from the empty bottles and cans that I picked in the trashcan &on the street everyday.I saved it.....I almost cried since then I never talked to her for 2 months,she married a guy who is jobless and alcoholic and trouble maker.she made a bad choice,and suddenly I figured fr her neighbor that. She go to jollibbee most of the time and that her daughter is starting to drink alcohol.

Its really hurt that I am being used many years for money and not being appreciated evrything I did.I helped them evrrytime they need support,Diaper,medicine,grocery,etc..so told them that if they help themselves first I am willing to help for school and for emergency ONLY...

some of my nieces and nephews I help them for schooling on one CONDITION..good grade=tuition fee &news shoes &uniforms.Bad grade=no help from me..

my thoughts to you guys don't even try to spoil them bcoz they think america is a lolipop land they don't have a clue about our crisis and economy here.if you send them money right after western union they go to jollibee they dont even think about to multiply the money u sent on their own ways..

God bless you all folks

Ronluvme.

[af_phils 0]

I just want to hear from people's experience concerning this topic...

.... I would understand if they were sending them to college to better themselves, but 30 years later they are still sending money to not only support their siblings, but now their siblings' kids and even grand kids...

My parents and relatives are old school immigrants from the Phils- pre WW2 up to the early 60’s. When you left home to emigrate, it was for good. No remittances were expected, when you said good bye, it really meant good bye. One letter a year and that was about it. My parents didn’t go back to visit for another 20 years- and this was the norm.

You can blame most of these money issues today on the remittance industry that has become de facto standard for many Filipinos. It doesn’t matter whether you are a temporary ofw or immigrant because you fall into the same category. That said, your money issues are still going to be reflective of your family’s attitude towards it. My wife’s family is pretty darn poor but they are too humble or ashamed to ask for anything. My wife takes it upon herself to give whenever she sees fit- which amounts to about $100 every 3 months or so to mom. I guess as long as your wife is ’in charge’ then you shouldn’t have any problems- at least with us it hasn’t.