Wants to give up and Return to Philippines?

[JoBri 545]

I had to take a close look at myself as a big part of the problem too and change a LOT too. I too conveniently left that part out.

I have a horror story too of when my wife first came here. But our relationship proved stronger. She adjusted within a few months, maybe 8, for the most part, after coming to terms with what she felt in her heart. She learned to drive, got multiple jobs, became committed in our church, made Filipina friends here... She stays very busy...very...

Just today we were at a store, and when it was time to pay she was digging for change so she wouldn't have to break a dollar. I started to dig for the change too. Then another customer also wanted to help, and the store clerk joined in too and paid the change herself, saying she didnt blame her to not want to break the dollar. And my wife laughed and blurted out, "I love it here, in America!" because of how everyone was so kind and wanting to help her. Things sure did change... Sometimes it takes time to sort through everything and adjust.

[TJ01212011 47]

couple should fight the homesickness and the difficulties together, not fight each other..

for me as the foreign wife, the last thing I need from my husbannd while in adjustment period is "fight"...

I agree, so difficult to adjust but if u are determine and willing (even ur nose bleeding 24/7 ) plus the support and love of ur better half.....

u can surpass it w/ flying color...

[rlogan 2,036]

One of the red flags I forgot about in the last thread was the big fight over the eleven-dollar cab ride and the resentment over paying for other things. Not paying airfare. I didn't get a sense either one was enthusiastic. I'd have robbed the U.S. Mint to get my hands down, er, on my wife.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

One of the red flags I forgot about in the last thread was the big fight over the eleven-dollar cab ride and the resentment over paying for other things. Not paying airfare. I didn't get a sense either one was enthusiastic. I'd have robbed the U.S. Mint to get my hands down, er, on my wife.

rlogan,

I really love how you give great insightful replies all the while playing with the stupid stereotypes that so many use to slap senseless labels on us. It's find of fun to be able to laugh at those stereotypes from time to time. My wife and I are always joking whenever we get weird looks in public, I'm 41 and she's 26 but we look more like 33 & 16...

[rlogan 2,036]

That's the spirit! You have to own it.

[Cmptrsdeal 76]

There are more filipinos in Columbus than you think. There are two groups TOPAS and PASCO which have events throughout the year and once you get in a group you will see that your social circles expand. There is also a filipino restaurant, La Herba Buena in the Dublin center that you can visit and the owner can probably hook you up with contact information.

La Herba Buena is unfortunately no longer there.... :-(

[Cmptrsdeal 76]

As paul_kay said, your fiancée should check out the CFO booklet that she received at the seminar. I understand the Philippines Consulate and the CFO can work together to help her return to 'Pinas.

However, why would you make her jump through those hoops? Why wouldn't you simply buy her a ticket? When you told her she would have to go home without your help, I don't imagine it made her feel any better about her situation or about you.

I'm confused. Why are you fighting with her? What do you have to fight about? Is it about her being homesick? If it is, then why aren't you acknowledging her feelings and showing more sympathy and compassion toward her instead of fighting with her? She's feeling what she's feeling, and you need to recognize that.

We were fighting cause she wanted to move out within 2 wks, and so we did and now it's rocky. If she wants something and doesn't realize it's possible, she blows up and gets mad and stays pissy for 2-3 days. She refuses to try to work things out, she seems to prefer to stay mad and make it seem like everything is so terrible. I try to hug/hold her, she pushes me away. If I find a way to make something happen that she wants, she's already pissed and will not do it no matter what. If she doesn't get it the first time she asks or says it, there's no going back, I have to deal with her being pissy. She is a very VERY stubborn person. I knew she was stubborn, but not this bad, lol

[BJZags 17]

she blows up and gets mad and stays pissy for 2-3 days.

Another stereotype again: Sounds like 'classic' tampo!

[Kang 22]

We were fighting cause she wanted to move out within 2 wks, and so we did and now it's rocky. If she wants something and doesn't realize it's possible, she blows up and gets mad and stays pissy for 2-3 days. She refuses to try to work things out, she seems to prefer to stay mad and make it seem like everything is so terrible. I try to hug/hold her, she pushes me away. If I find a way to make something happen that she wants, she's already pissed and will not do it no matter what. If she doesn't get it the first time she asks or says it, there's no going back, I have to deal with her being pissy. She is a very VERY stubborn person. I knew she was stubborn, but not this bad, lol

Try asking her what EXACTLY is the matter or if you can't get her directly. Try "writing" to each other or leaving notes.

In the Filipino culture, "confrontation"/directly telling people isn't the preferred method. Try as possible to know how and what she feels through indirect means. TO sort out things, you will know EXACTLY what is going on in her mind. I'm afraid you will have to adjust to that at first.

[Kang 22]

I have to admit though that her getting mad over $11 never removes the red flag in my head... Try to work out for the best but prepare yourself emotionally for the worst

[Cmptrsdeal 76]

There are more filipinos in Columbus than you think. There are two groups TOPAS and PASCO which have events throughout the year and once you get in a group you will see that your social circles expand. There is also a filipino restaurant, La Herba Buena in the Dublin center that you can visit and the owner can probably hook you up with contact information.

Where can I find out more info on those two groups TOPAS and PASCO??? Thank you!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

We were fighting cause she wanted to move out within 2 wks, and so we did and now it's rocky. If she wants something and doesn't realize it's possible, she blows up and gets mad and stays pissy for 2-3 days. She refuses to try to work things out, she seems to prefer to stay mad and make it seem like everything is so terrible. I try to hug/hold her, she pushes me away. If I find a way to make something happen that she wants, she's already pissed and will not do it no matter what. If she doesn't get it the first time she asks or says it, there's no going back, I have to deal with her being pissy. She is a very VERY stubborn person. I knew she was stubborn, but not this bad, lol

That's a confusing sentence. Why did she want to move out if the fighting didn't happen until she stated that she wanted to move out? It sounds like both of you aren't very good with handling conflict. If she came up to you asking to move out before any fighting took place, I would have asked her why? If she can't verbalize why, I'd try to reflect on the previous days/weeks as to what she might be upset about. Maybe she expects you to be more intuitive about her feelings instead of spelling it out for you? That's pretty common in most relationships. Take some time to reflect what it might be that you are doing or not doing that has gotten her so upset. Her being stubborn isn't the source of the problem and that's her personality so you might as well not even focus on that because that's only going to exacerbate the underlying problems.

IMO, the best thing to help a spouse who has left their whole life, family and friends, back in the Philippines, is to get them connected to other Filipinos in your area. We moved to an isolated town about a year and half ago and thought that we wouldn't see any other Filipinos, but we've met and are connected to at least 30 of them who live in the area. And it all started by us running into some Filipinos during Mass. That's where you're most likely to find some. So, even if you're not Catholic, take her to Mass every Sunday and that will help a lot.

[106206 15]

We were fighting cause she wanted to move out within 2 wks, and so we did and now it's rocky. If she wants something and doesn't realize it's possible, she blows up and gets mad and stays pissy for 2-3 days. She refuses to try to work things out, she seems to prefer to stay mad and make it seem like everything is so terrible. I try to hug/hold her, she pushes me away. If I find a way to make something happen that she wants, she's already pissed and will not do it no matter what. If she doesn't get it the first time she asks or says it, there's no going back, I have to deal with her being pissy. She is a very VERY stubborn person. I knew she was stubborn, but not this bad, lol

You probably know this but in a new relationship you are establishing in the first days the boundries of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior.

You need to consider what is normal in her culture and why she is acting the way that she is. Then you need to look at why she is (re)acting the way she is in context of all she has gone through.

Has she ever left her home country before? Her home state? Her family?

If it was me I'd be taking 2 weeks off work and trying to have a good time and really try to re-assure her that things are going well. Take a vacation and go do some things that are fun. Have some drinks and make some romantic time. Or whatever else comes naturally.

I could be wrong but she is probably going to look to you as a source of stability and so you need to really try and take things in a calm manner.

If you guys are truly on a 2 week trial then you need to call it that and then have minimal expectations. Tell her that if it doesn't work out here you can move over there for a bit and you guys can work on the relationship from there.

PS: "Fighting" does that mean you are not talking constructively to one another? Are you trying?

Edited November 2, 2011 by caterino

[ronluvme 10]

hello,

Here's the deal and reality you and your new woman grew up in the different world there are times that you make a joke then for her is that was serious,it will take take for everytime until get used to it,for daily basis life together you will be learning about hiden stuff and each other atitudes and personalities,there are many ways to work the relationship out,example try to be patient,be more friendly and more understanding try t offer some stuff like going out for dinner and lil shopping for winter,take her a movie and take her to an asian market,be romantic and avoid to yell at her,if you did these things and she stil ddnt change then thats very unsual,

heres my story a friend of mine came here in us,for k-1 she join the dating website before and she thought that her husband is rich and nice one,after 3 weeks she figured out that she isnt happy anymore(that was pretty short period of time)hiden thing is that she has plenty of guys waiting for her to meet soon,she want to give up this guy that she is living wth now,she gave him ultimatum for 2 weeks if things ddnt work she want to go home,,,there is a guy from australia that wanted to marry her and buy her a house in PI thats her real reason why she wanna go back,plus if she really love and be with you for the rest of your life she needs to adjust her self without any ultimatum as trust can earn in time,,,so i am not trying to be judgemental but u have to be more observant,look around let your feelings figure out something that is happening,u gotta talk to her....good luck amigo!!just an input okay..i dont mean to be rude or whatever i just tell you the story which maybe similar to yours..

god bless your journey

[Kang 22]

That is imo fraudaulent marriage on the part of the girl. Just becausr the guy isnt rich she wants out?

Divorce and send her to "where she came from"