Preparing for your new life in the US

[Casprd 167]

Just curious how much your respective spouse prepared for life in the US. I see so many posts from beneficiaries who get here and seem completely unready for such a major change. I was wondering to myself how many of these end up in failed marriages and could have been prevented with some preplanning to reduce the bored and homsick period everyone will likely face.

In our case I worried about this a lot, but my wife was sure she wanted to attend english classes and work as soon as possible when she gets here so she can meet people beyond my friends. From VJ I have met a couple of others who have chinese spouses and live in the same city or nearby. She has been looking in to different training programs and is looking at this as a chance to try a different career which I encourage whole heartedly. I am trying to give her information and support but leave the ultimate decisions up to her. The last thing I want is her to feel like I am taking over her life Also I am making sure that she will have easy internet and phone access to her family so she can speak with them whenever she likes and we already make plans to try to get a tourist visa for her mom or her sister and nephew to come here next summer. I am lucky to live very close to my work and have a flexible job so I can work from home some and come home for lunches so she doesn't have to spend the whole day alone and a couple of my friends wives don't work so they will be good about stopping by to check on Xiaoming and take her shopping (not sure if that is a good thing or not ) Only thing we differ on is driving. I want her to learn to drive soon and she is hesitant.

What, if any, planning did your SO make before coming here and how much did it help her to adjust?

[Mrs O. 29]

Awww you are every sweet to be planning so well for your wife to ease into her new life. Good luck to both of you.

[Sam and Fen 41]

Some lessons I have learnt the hard way.

Any thing you get her with a number in it (phone #) make sure it does not have a 4 in it. I did that and .

My wife has had a terrible time finding clothes and hand bags here in the US . She had her friend in China ship her some.

If your wife wears contacts or glasses make sure she get's a spare one from China.

My wife got behind the wheel of a car for the first time last Sunday, more then a year after she came here. We had a lot of arguments about this too.

It became a lot easier after she started working. Initially she could not understand why she could not work without an EAD.

Take her to China Town so she can buy foods that she is familiar with.

You are going to need a lot of PATIENCE.

Finally Clean the house and then Clean again.

[Darnell 8,478]

My input:

1. find the local Chinese Association/group/student group/school/buddhist society/church. They'll have social gatherings at least once a month. Go with your wife. She'll have some opportunity for guanxi there, but beware Taiwanese folk - they have longstanding game to #### over any PRC people at all levels (give bad advice, mess up real estate transactions, etc) . Invite the new friends over TO COOK.

2. find the asian food market, get familar with one close to you.

3. english classes in china, or esl classes in usa - you two pick which (sometimes both)

4. teach her to trade us stock exchange and commodities with some free training account.

5. have her pore over real estate listings, seeking distressed or short sales.

6. learn how to do passport renewal in usa.

7. learn to cook the chinese food that she likes - it's a big deal, when she's homesick, for you to cook something. chinese buffets in usa ain't the place to take her, with rare exception those are 'set' for american palette, not chinese palette.

8. got a home office? make space for her computer gear.

9. consider kitchen revamping, to handle high heat gas burners and super suction vent, or rig a gas cooker outside for the big wok.

10. buy as many packets of seeds in her town, for the vegetables that she likes, plant them at yer home in usa.

11. consider to raise chickens, if your local zoning laws permit.

12. consider getting her a pet.

13. rig up the special audio visual gear needed for karaoke (if she's into that) and to receive PRC Television News from CCTV.

Edited June 18, 2011 by Darnell

[Shenzhen 34]

I signed up for direct tv mandarin package 9 channels 20.00 a month if you can afford. My wife doesn't watch the direct tv that much. She does watch on her laptop. She seems to be able to get lots of shows and movies free over the net. I qq with her while I am at work. I also call her too. Get her a bicycle so she can ride around. Take her shopping and make sure she has everything she needs. Cooking and personal stuff and lots of veggies.

[Darnell 8,478]

darn I forgot - personal items.

Dude - she's gonna want to bring her shoes - if you are keeping a 'chinese house' make sure you have a shoe closet at the front door, and some slippers that fit.

Try to have her pack as much of her undergarments (bras, underbritches) as she's gonna have a hard time finding what she likes the first few weeks here.

all of the cooking gear can be found in usa, but if she has some favorite wok tools, cutters, choppers, knives: have her pack them (not the wok itself - can get all in usa)

cooking spices - a few months supply

chinese herbal medicine - a few months supply

kapok pajamas - if she has them - 2 sets..

her favorite qi paos - try to limit to 10 or less - packing can be a nightmare

feminine hygiene products - pack enough for 4 cycles - she's gonna do some experimenting here, to find what she likes, it takes time.

makeup, facial cleaners, facial treatment, masks, etc - 3 months supply - same dealio - takes time to shift to something else here.

movie collection - transfer all to a coupla portable drives, else they'll snatch em at Customs..

Edited June 19, 2011 by Darnell

[christera22 8]

Replying to this topic in general...in regards that the immigrant is female and asian, she may not face these evils ( mentioned below).

# yes YOU & HER both would need BIG PATIENCE.

# She would feel overwhelmed, alone here. So connection to chinese people - very important

# For immigrants in general - Be ready to face racism, igorance, stupidity, mockery of immigrant`s country etc etc. You need to have courage to face these.

# There may be occasional clashes between you two - you havee to understand you have friends, families here - she has no one apart from you.

best wishes

[Casprd 167]

# yes YOU & HER both would need BIG PATIENCE.

# She would feel overwhelmed, alone here. So connection to chinese people - very important

# For immigrants in general - Be ready to face racism, igorance, stupidity, mockery of immigrant`s country etc etc. You need to have courage to face these.

# There may be occasional clashes between you two - you havee to understand you have friends, families here - she has no one apart from you.

All good points. Yes. The level of patience when I'm travelling and just dealing with those frustrations is a huge difference than the level of patience I need dealing with my everyday job and the other BS associated with life here. We've talked about connecting with the chinese community here and she really doesn't seem that interested, but I will continue to encourage her. There are a couple of VJ'ers in Tulsa with Chinese wives about her same age so there is at least a shared community of sorts. Yeah, living in the bible belt has its pluses, but the level of bigotry and racism is pretty high. I think it will be more of an issue for any children we have, but to be honest, as bad as it is here, it would be worse for us if we tried to live in China, especially for any mixed race children. The last point is why I am extremely happy that she is the one who wants to attend classes and get a job. I have a small close circle of friends, but it will make a big difference for her to have her own friends. My family doesn't live that close so I see them seldom, which knowing my family is probably a good thing (I swear I had to be adopted )

Hopefully this thread will be a good reminder to people going through the immigration process that getting the visa, AOS, ROC and all the immigration related stuff is only one piece of making a new life together.

Edited June 22, 2011 by Casprd

[rlogan 2,036]

What, if any, planning did your SO make before coming here and how much did it help her to adjust?

Chinese has to be more difficult than Filipino. About the driving - I forgot that I did pay for my wife to take a class in her home country. She started, but it was too far on the other side of town and her college was the priority at the time so she did not complete it. But yours too might be able to take classes in China and might be more comfortable with that as a start. A chinese instructor using streets she is familiar with, signage and signaling in her own language.

I have no idea why Sam and Fen is saying not to have numbers with 4 in them... huh?

[Casprd 167]

I have no idea why Sam and Fen is saying not to have numbers with 4 in them... huh?

hehe. As with every culture, Chinese have their own superstitions. The pronunciation of the chinese word for death is very similar to that of the number 4 so many people are very superstitious about this. Same with giving a clock or watch as a gift being a bad omen. The number 8 however is good luck so my phone number with 3 8's in it and no 4's is good luck.