A Bit Worried, Should I Be? What Would You Do...?

[Bang2xg 0]

So hello again to all my fellow VJers! Hope you've all had wonderful and stress free journeys on your way to being together and I wish you all many more years of happiness to come! Some of you have not had the best of luck in your journey's and I express my condolences to those of you who invested time and emotion only to have been let down.

I come to you today as I too am wrestling with my particular situation, both happy and somewhat worried. I met my wife some years ago in Europe. We fell in love, started dating and spent about 2 years together there before moving back to the states in 2008. Once here we started the perilous visa journey, weighing our options on a very important decision to stay together or not. We chose to fight through and be together so we were married in 2009. When we married she was on student status just finishing her masters and I had started a new job and we were both happy and looking forward to life together. Now about 2 years later, we seem to be ok and have usual problems as most couples do of course but that doesnt bother me. What does bother me are two very particular patterns of behavior she's always exhibited throughout the relationship that persist 4 years later.

And they are:

First, when I met her it was obvious to me that she was very close with her parents. That was made clear to me every time she would come to my place of residence to use the internet and call her family via Skype, etc because she couldn't do so at her place. No problems, I had just met her it was all new to me. We lived in a big city in Europe and I respected that she took time to speak to her parents because I didn't do the same with mine and it made me feel a bit ashamed for not putting in the same effort she did.

For those of you questioning, yes we are both somewhat young. I am 28 and she is 23, so parents are almost a daily or weekly occurrence in our lives because of our respective cultures. Now what is really bothersome to me is that my wife has spoken to, video chatted or texted at least one of her "parents" since the day we met. I still have no idea who they are, what they look like or what they do. And yes we've tried to talk about it and I've asked her many times to allow me to say hello one time and wave through the camera but we get into arguments and I tend to avoid that at all costs because thats just not the person I am. We did live with my parents for a short time when we first arrived in 2008 until she got into school and I got a job and we got a place to stay. She is familiar with everybody in family, my firends etc. Yes they do not always get along but I find that that is just life and these things happen.

She has also been on two trips to see her "parents" back home since recieving the 2 year green card and I was not invited even though I inquired both times about maybe accompanying her for a day or two and leave her to her business with them. Secondly and perhaps a bit more odd is that fact that just about everytime she speaks to her "parents" when she is here on the phone or skype etc, she locks the door to the bedroom. I cant get in or out to see what is going on but it does bother me a lot and I've been having serious doubts and concerns about whether or not she is just biding her time untill the CR status is up. Now many times while she's been on the phone with "them" it seems like they are having family arguments. I dont speak her language fully yet but I do know how to distinguish between happy tones, sad tones and agnry tones. More recently after she returned from a trip to see her "parents" this past Christmas I found my contact information in her phone saved under a girl's name. I questioned her about it over dinner one night and she became furious and went on about I had no right to look in her phone and she doesnt know how it happened and that the phone did it by itself.

Now I can understand that she is mad that I did look through her phone and I regret it and have apologized many times. I can also understand that she might not know how it happened. Maybe her little brother did in go into her phone which she guards like a hawk and also has a screen lock pattern and she let him play with it and he might've changed only my name in the phone as joke to her. Maybe I'm crazy as she has been telling me this month as she's facing all these questions. BUT what I absolutely can not understand is that she would have me believe the phone changed the contact name by itself. I work in IT and deal with one or two smartphones everyday, I have never ever seen a contact name or phone number change unexpectedly to another ever. Very simply, I'm a bit angry, confused and worried....

What would you do?

[canadian_wife 1,791]

Have you tried telling her how you feel in a non-confrontational way? Tell her that it hurts you when she does this, if she calls you crazy then ask her why she is doing something that intentionally hurts you

You put 'parents' and 'them' in quotes which indicates that you do not believe she is communicating with her parents at these times, is that true?

Good luck

[Amy and Nick 37]

If these are concerns that you have had for such a long period they really need to be addressed.

Firstly, when you ask to speak to her parents, or go for a visit, why is it that she denies you? What exactly does she say. I ask this, because my first assumption would be that her parents are unaware that she is married, perhaps they still believe her to be on a student visa in the US. Perhaps she feels that they would disprove of your relationship, or perhaps they have told her in as many words that they would stop all contact if she were to continue/start a relationship with you.

Obviously this is all speculation, but I understand from your post that your first instinct is that she is cheating on you, or has someone at home that she is waiting to bring over once she is a citizen.

I think you need to sit down with her and really hash this out. Dont be accusatory, but demand answers to your questions.

If it was me, I would be questioning WHY i had not yet met, or even had any contact with her family, particularly as you say she is very close to them.

I wish you all the best in finding out exactly what is going on, but a urge you, do find out.

Good Luck

[amykathleen2005 441]

I have no idea what is actually going on, however, some ideas come to mind (blatantly honest):

1. She is embarrassed of them and doesn't want you to meet.

2. She is embarrassed of you, or they don't even know she is married (perhaps she told them a made up story of how she could stay in the US).

3. She is trying to con you and is not speaking to her parents at all.

4. Nothing is wrong and that is just how she is.

[BMW4me 12]

you truly love her but listen to this I might be harsh without knowing all the facts but here it is

"She has also been on two trips to see her "parents" back home since recieving the 2 year green card and I was not invited even though...."

The paragraph starting with this. Dude honestly this is UNACCEPTABLE!, whatever the reason is if she really/truly loves you she'd deal with her parents, but not in a way which would make you upset. She is not inviting you, she locks the door when she's skypeing oh no there's a RED flag here.

to give you an example from my life. Me and my wife married just a couple days ago. We choose not to tell her to her parents, because we intend to have a big ceremony in the near future when we have money. so for now we just did a private ceremony in Vegas. Also me being a muslim she told me that her parents might have difficulty accepting it. BUT we went to her parents house this summer, I have visited her parents. Also they are coming now to our house a week from now not knowing we're married lol. (for wife's birthday next week).

I would hate to compare my life with you but here is what I am gonna tell you, marrying someone, loving someone is really hard knowing that it might not work out. It will cause you heartache!

What would I do?

- Man I am saying this with %100 certainty. If my wife says you can't come and visit her parents, (for whatever reason) and locks herself in a room where you can't see them when you guys video chat... I would divorce her. where is the LOVE... I certainly WOULD NOT put up with this! She only had her 2 years temporary Green Card!

Edited February 28, 2011 by vkn & jsb

[Bang2xg 0]

To canadian_wife:

Yes I have tried speaking to her about this many times, even before we were married living in Berlin. I told her that it was weird to me that she does this every time and her excuse at the time was the she and her like their privacy when speaking on the phone. So OK fine, I didn’t know her well enough to question that when we had just met so I dealt with it. But 4 years later the excuse went from that to being that in her culture the husband and wife do not meet each others parents until they have something to show each others families (i.e. eveidence of having built a life together, a common home etc.)

And yes at times I did feel even when we were dating that she was being very secretive of things. Again the phone thing, her cell phone is something very personal to her and it should be as with most people but it just seems like she’s always going through it and texting and deleting messages to whoever immediately after send or receiving and I know this happens because I’ve actually seen her do it a couple times and when asked she just tells me that she has a particular number of messages she likes to keep in her inbox. She fed me more garbage I know and this was years ago but still I kept quiet. Maybe she was just different like that….

Amy and Nick:

I’ve tried as many times to speak her about this issue as is possible in 2 years we’ve been married. It just always goes back to her dad being old school and “not wanting to meet until we have something to show them.” I really don’t know much about Albanian culture but I do know some Albanians and they too seem a bit perplexed at the issue. And yes maybe they don’t know, or they do know and don’t approve but I can’t verify any of this because all I have is her narrative of her life. And how do you demand answers to questions like this without sounding accusatory? No matter how you say and I’ve tried, but saying, “Can you tell me why my number was changed in your phone to a girl’s name?” will just always sound accusatory….

Amykathleen:

Of all the options listed I like #4 the best and I am really hoping for it (woo-hoo right?)

Next up is #1

Then #2

Least favorite (you got it) #3, lol….

Vkn & jsb:

Thank you for input, I’ve been really thinking more and more about just cutting her off and be somewhat civil and letting her keep everything and just live my life alone. I’ll find somebody else eventually right? But what if I was wrong and she just is that weird with her family etc? I think way too much about what has happened yet that im afraid to take any action….

[Bang2xg 0]

Maybe a bit more background information on us and how we met... Part of the reason I can’t be so blatantly indecent and just tell her that I'm done with everything and throw it all up the air if I don’t have answers to these questions is because for a while in Berlin she really did take care of me. I was out of money, out of work, living on Pringles and Red Bull and she said no way! She sort of took me and gave me a cozy feeling with home cooked meals almost daily and we both learned about each other in the infatuation phase of the relationship that it just felt like it would continue naturally even after we came here... And it did for a while until she started withdrawing herself a bit because she was in very unfamiliar territory and had no allies it seems....

[canadian_wife 1,791]

So how do you feel about your relationship now? Do you still find her withdrawn? Is she loving? Do you guys have good communication (other than this one aspect)

Now this is drastic, but have you thought of calling her parents youself with out her to sort this out? I mean go around her and initiate conversation yourself? I'd do this before throwing in the towel on your marriage

Good luck

[Bang2xg 0]

So how do you feel about your relationship now? Do you still find her withdrawn? Is she loving? Do you guys have good communication (other than this one aspect)

Now this is drastic, but have you thought of calling her parents youself with out her to sort this out? I mean go around her and initiate conversation yourself? I'd do this before throwing in the towel on your marriage

Good luck

To be quite honest I feel like I'm losing her to things she doesnt want to talk about. I mean she is so busy back in school again and with work its takes up so much of her time that I just dont want to be that extra burden but I also dont want to feel like im being used and left in the dark about something I should know. Communication has dwindled of course in the past 2 years. She's made some friends which is great because she had a tough 1st year here and did go through a difficult time adjusting to being alone and distant from familiarity (i.e. - europe, family being a 1 hr flight away). I encourage her to make friends and go out all the time because I felt so guilty of her being so depressed when we first got here.

Then she gets really angry if I ask her who she's with or what time she'll be back so we can maybe catch a movie or something.. Recently the routine has been I leave for work at 5:30-6 am, and we just text each other sporadically throughout the day, I get home at 7:30 or 8 pm depening on the day and kinda just get ready for the next day. She goes to class, work etc and does her thing and I've learned not to ask questions for fear of being called physcho or crazy cuz guys at work hit or her all the time and i'm supposed to just accept that she wont do or say anything for them to stop. It actually got to a point where I found out from a mutual acquaintance that she's been opening up to a male friend at work about problems she's been having with me and I didn't know we were having the problems she described to him because she simply won't speak to me when it matters. Then it turns out that this male friend is sending "I miss you" messages etc on facebook and I'm supposed to be okay with that too because "thats just the way he talks to all the girls..."

As for her parents and being direct with them, I would love to but I also fear that that would be the line not to cross with her because she is very particular about them. Again she's locking the door when speaking to "them" or them (take your pick) and complaining when the dogs bark at a passer by through the window because somehow her father can hear through the locked door, through the mic and out to his speaker system on his computer. Our barking dogs when she is on the phone, serously? Dont know how to deal with it anymore...

[BMW4me 12]

From the example I gave you from my life. My wife is the United States Citizen, I am the beneficiary. My wife choose this, and we both agreed.

Truly, your wife's behavior is unacceptable. In a marriage all decisions should be made together, not however one of the partners see fit! From what we read here, she's doing all that however she feels like. She's clearly hiding you from her `other` life. Man I don't wanna make you upset but how do you know she doesn't have anybody else back home. She already started this before getting the permanent card, really she's not being smart here.

If I were you I would definitely take action right now, `being used` is one of the first feelings in life, and you giving your life, your time and most importantly your love to this person, after all this time, if things go even worst after she receives her permanent residency see then how you would feel.

I really do not agree with the others replying here, as 2 years is really a long time, and this is an ongoing problem with you guys, I wonder how addressing can solve this. Why now? why wasn't all this addressed before...?

[Bang2xg 0]

vkn:

I have tried to address these issues before but I certainly was not going to demand to meet her parents when were dating because that would be silly for both of us, she had her quirks and i accepted them just as she accept mine. And I dont know who she has back home you're right but what else can I do but ask her and believe her even if she is lying? At this point I really do feel at times like I'd rather just be alone and let her be but then we'll have discussion which lead to arguments and she'll start getting emotional etc and then I feel like s%&t for putting her through stress. I just take day by day and hope it will get better, but I really am trying to get her to understand that time is running out and there is a small list of items I want her to change otherwise I cant afford to give her anymore time...

[steminem 0]

somethings not right here...where is she from? country of origin might explain some of this behavior....

[Bang2xg 0]

really?.... lol, I really like to think that people are same everywhere except for beliefs etc...

Country of origin is Albania.

[BMW4me 12]

While i don't know still telling her `time's running out` wouldn't solve anything. she might act the way you want, say things that you wanna hear to ease the things, just to gain some time, so she could get her permanent residency.

I mean how you are going to live through your lives together, knowing that all this issues, it's just doesn't make sense to me, I just believe there are certain things a couple should never experience, or say to each other, some things are irreversible.

[Bang2xg 0]

I agree