father in law advice

[wreath 4]

hello everyone

i need advise about my father in law . he has always been very strict to my wife and never allowed her to have friends or go anywhere, if shes washing clothes or doing some thing he will tell her to clean a door or window , and hes means right now stop what ur doing and clean door or window. since we have married hes about the same way. my wife was talking to me the other day and said her hair was damaged so i told her to take some of the money i sent to her and go have it cut. i saw a style that would look good on her and we talked about it. well when she got home and sent me web cam her motuh was wide open and she was crying. i called her number and could hear her dad yelling at her and her mother. her dad was blaming her om for not displine her enough.

i thought he was crazy so i sent him a emailtelling him i sent her money and we talked about a style i liked and i told her to go get it, so if there was any problem i felt it was my fault. i told him we are married now an both adults and i had no idea we would need his permiision about a hair cut. i aslo asked him what decisions we would be able to make as husband and wife where we woudnt have to check with him first. i gt no reply.

since that time my wife had planned to leave the home and we talked about a motobike she mentioned to her dad that i will send her money for a motobike and again he threw a fit. yelled and screamed at her and her mother . i called his house this time and asked him what was the problem. he said he had a moto there she can use . she doesnt need her own.he said her friend from english class got one but her husband was rich . i told him dont worry about my money i will get her a moto,

well after that i was taling to my wifee on the net and he started talking to her om and then got louder and louder and yeelled to tell my wife if she dont floow everything by his frame she can get her dog face out of his house and never go back there again and if she leave her mom go too.i was so mad i was sick. and what haooened after that. her dad traded in his moto and got the style she liked and puit in her name of course they still only have one moto so #######.

anyways i told her when i come to vietnam i dont want see her dad.and guess what happend. she cryed and got mad and said maybe will will divorced. she said all her friends from english have good relations with there in laws. i told her that her friends from english class prolly drink and there father in law does too. i told her il come and smile be nice but so hard for me to be fake about that. hes acted more like a jealous b f since we bbeen togther than anyhting. he would call everyday when we was on honeymoon at 6 am everyday

. and when in town he would come to our hotel and knock on the door to ask her a question every morning . he was sitting on the side walk when we went to justice deot to sign our paper. and aside of all think s he can tell me dont drink this pepsi and dont eat that bad for health and go take a shower . hes overbearing and nothing fun avbout him at all. what can i do??? when i go o her house she will say out loud D0ONT WORRY MY DAD , and ask me whats wrong right in front of hima nd make me even more uncomfortable. what can i do???

[Boiler 43,804]

Sounds like she needs to move out.

[wreath 4]

Sounds like she needs to move out.

but her dad will try kick her mom out too. so if we do anyhting her mom pays the price either in getting yelled at or kicked out.i moved her out before and first her dad got sick same as going to die. then i got email from her dad saying my wife was the only one who can care or her mother. then her mom got sick . so she went back home everyone got better and it all started over again with his power b, s.

[Boiler 43,804]

but her dad will try kick her mom out too. so if we do anyhting her mom pays the price either in getting yelled at or kicked out.i moved her out before and first her dad got sick same as going to die. then i got email from her dad saying my wife was the only one who can care or her mother. then her mom got sick . so she went back home everyone got better and it all started over again with his power b, s.

No forwarding address?

[Zharren Young 32]

No forwarding address?

is she an only child?

arent you trying to petition her anyway?

what happens when she needs to fly to be with you?

she cant be married & stay with her parents instead of you right?

[wreath 4]

she is adopted. she has a brother in usa that is her mothers son but only her dads step son.

[wreath 4]

yeah i did her paper. but i feel like he sees me only as a sponser not a husband and im not happy about much.I dont think i would have been allowed to even meet her if he hadnt thought i would be spending all my time with him. i hardly got to even talk to my wife when i first met her it was always me and her dad breakfast lunch and dinner with exception of a couple hours each day. even if i send her perfume he will put it on an have to sit and examine all the things i send her and then email and tell me he can prvide her with all she needs. about makes me feel like i married a 12 yr old. i dont know what to do if theres a problem with opur paper.

[Việt Kiều 2]

Did you take the time to really know her and her family before you took the big step in trying to spend the rest of your life with them? If the father in-law kicks the mother in-law out then so be it. Are you going let your wife stay at home with her parents for the rest of her life? He's just bluffing trying to be a hard ####.

[hniHnitsuJ 8]

she is adopted. she has a brother in usa that is her mothers son but only her dads step son.

First, I am so sorry about your problem. I don't have any advice for you, but I think these are the problems?

1. Under the Asian family. Daughter can't moved out, doesn't look good for the family.

2. Her dad is an alcoholic or drinking problem? and jeolous about you and your wife?

3. Did you ever give the dad money? (like $100 a month or send gift to him?)

4. Talk to other family member from VN trying to control her dad temper. (Someone has to be the same age or older than her dad)

5. Trying to understand what her dad wants from you and your wife in the future?

If you have done all that and MORE for other VJ member advice for the dad, and he behavior is the same or worst.

Since she is adopted. My last advice for you IS if her dad ALLOW (meaning 100% agreed from the DAD) to let your wife, and her mom to moved out. And, if you have no problem for taking care both of them with your finacial. Moved both of them out ASAP.

Last NOTES!!! don't trying to fight with the dad as you know most Vietnamese males do have a HOT HOT TEMPER!!! , and things can go very CRAZY in VN.

Good luck, and wish you the best.

[luckytxn 2,264]

My wifes dad and mother was very strict also but they was not mean. While she lived at home though she had to obey and follow the rules of the house along with her 13 brothers and sisters. As they moved away they were now out of the house and that was that but as long as they lived there they had to do certain chores and help out. Once you and her are together and she comes to the states then his hold is gone. Even though you are married to her she still lives at his house. She can't just leave and move away till then as that is a big loss of face to him as it shows he can't care for his kid and/or he lost control and is a bad parent. Pretty much you need to just realize that you are interacting with a different culture here and since you have interjected yourself into this culture you are the one that needs to compromise on this.

[BinhJerome 14]

If you want to know my opinion it is simple. Do you love your wife? I already know your answer. So this is my advice, ignore it, she is used to it. If you keep confronting him and talking to her about it the situation will keep getting worse, once she is in USA then you are done with it. Also as others have mentioned, it is not good to argue. There might be a reason, maybe he is affraid once she is gone then he will have no one. Many reasons people act strange, and they are always usually because they themselves are scared about something. Seriously, you are in america, and she is here, there is nothing you can really do, but as another post said, when you send money, send it to her father, or send him a little here and there. It is customary for family in USA to send money back and help the family. In any situation, the most important thing is your love for your wife, dont add to her stress by arguing with her father. I am not siding with him, but seriously she IS living under his roof, and with the culture here, if she does something that he feels is a disgrace, it DOES affect him. Good luck, and try to not add to any stress.

Jerome and Binh

[wreath 4]

If you want to know my opinion it is simple. Do you love your wife? I already know your answer. So this is my advice, ignore it, she is used to it. If you keep confronting him and talking to her about it the situation will keep getting worse, once she is in USA then you are done with it. Also as others have mentioned, it is not good to argue. There might be a reason, maybe he is affraid once she is gone then he will have no one. Many reasons people act strange, and they are always usually because they themselves are scared about something. Seriously, you are in america, and she is here, there is nothing you can really do, but as another post said, when you send money, send it to her father, or send him a little here and there. It is customary for family in USA to send money back and help the family. In any situation, the most important thing is your love for your wife, dont add to her stress by arguing with her father. I am not siding with him, but seriously she IS living under his roof, and with the culture here, if she does something that he feels is a disgrace, it DOES affect him. Good luck, and try to not add to any stress.

Jerome and Binh

good advice ,her dad has alot money i just cant see sending money to him when he doesnt really need it. i have bought him some gifts some after shave and some candy and shirts he said he has many shirts and dont like chocolote . but my wife says he loves chocolote. i told my wife maybe when im back ill buy him a motobike see how that goes. i just think hes doing some thing and dont want anyone to be on the road same time he is.i cant imagine what the big deal was about her haveing her own motobike. now shes got one in her name but still have only one motobike in the house and hes on it.ill go there when i come i guess but i really wont enjoy it . and yes i knew her dad was strick and her mother not at all but i thought it woud change after we married.hes a english teacher for people going abraod all the girls in her class have boyfriends there in vn while there husbands are in usa and canada. maybe he knows this and worrys some thing ill just try to keep my mouth shut and deal with it. some one told me >"you think your a man but in vietnam the man is the man who like dad" i guess maybe so

[tcTTct 37]

I really hate to say this but it really sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you said he's acting like a jealous boyfriend. Since he's her adopted father and not her biological father he may be secretly in love with her and doesn't want to lose her to another guy. I'm Vietnamese and I've met my fair share of strict Dads, but this is beyond that.

Edited January 13, 2011 by tcTTct