Sneaky wedding, don't tell the family..

[Fandango 1,440]

just keep in mind that you have loads of people who care so much for the two of you that they want to witness this most special moment. You are blessed! Many people do not have that luxury!

[Joel Halfwassen 0]

I did that. I called my parents from Ukraine and said, "Oh...by-the-way...I am getting married tomorrow." It turned out they were VERY hurt by it. They didn't take it our on us nor were they angry. Just very, very hurt. :-(

Joel

[Kathryn41 3,205]

My cousin eloped -sent an announcement out after the fact with a ladder on the front and a bride half way down. Some of the family were very teed off and hurt; others thought it was their right to do it their way. You know your famiies best - how will you and they feel about it all a year from now? That might make it easier to decide.

Edited August 26, 2006 by Kathryn41

[Henia 11]

[Lou Lou 1]

We eloped. Everyone was cool with it. It's our life, and our decisions. We're not a pair of kids. Do what YOU and your OH WANT to do, not to please others. This is YOUR day. They'll get over it, and if you want to do the renewal thingy at another time, quite frankly, I don't know what they're getting in a strop about.

[ajames79 0]

I know that my family would be very hurt if we got married behind their backs.

The "screw everyone else, this is all about me" thought really bothers me. Not that I am saying this is your mentality.

I do understand after all of the stress and etc. during this process, it is easy to want to just get it over and done with. But I promise it would mean a lot to both sides of the family to feel like they are included in a huge part of your future. Afterall, at least in my case, they have supported me throughout the years.

[Alex+R 0]

Are they religious? Perhaps they'd accept the explanation that you're not getting married in God's eyes, just the governments?

Mine is not religious so that might not fly...

[PlatyPius 5]

You have no idea how much Sian and I want a private civil wedding. Unfortunately, my Mom is one who would do the following:

1) Be pissed the rest of her life.

2) Thereafter refer to Sian as "that tramp" or "your girlfriend" (If Mom didn't see it, it isn't real)

3) Ignore Jordan's existence

4) Leave nasty little notes on my truck

5) She won't accept the wedding anyway, since it won't be in a church. Only church weddings are "real"... never mind the fact that Sian is an Athiest, and I switch between pagan and athiest....

Of course, my Mom is completely psycho......

Edited August 26, 2006 by Cian

[Risto 0]

Alright- the stress of both parents on both sides saying they want to come to the civil service (and I wanted it done with no fuss) Is killing me! They want to be there even if we are not doing anything or having anything just to be there. Well.....I was thinking we would just sign the papers and then start the process rolling. no fuss no planning a event, then when we get settled, new house and some time down the road we could plan a nice party have everyone come then when we could introduce them to the neighbourhood, house etc....

Whatever, so since the parents have the panties in a bunch and are making my life stressful, what do you think about not telling them, get hitched and then just plan a party with a renewal of the vows later?

Is this just asking for trouble? I really want to get settled and have time to plan this out like we want- but to get the paperwork going we have to actually get married A.S.A.P. Help- I fell the stress like a brick on my back already with the move kids, new house etc. What would you do?

Don't do this. You w'll regret it later.

Whatever circus they want to put you in is just one day and with alcohol you will survive.

[dawnnhatem 0]

I thought I had good reasons to elope...if we marry here, his fam and friends miss it and if we marry there my fam and friends miss it. I wasn't trying to be selfish, I just thought that inviting noone was the solution. Since my work made me travel alot, dissappearing without telling anyone was normal and never alarmed anybody before, so thats what I did.

I'm not saying this could happen to anyone else, but let me share why I regret this. As soon as I left the country my 27 yr old cousin suddenly died. I didn't check my messages or leave any way for anyone to find me so when I returned, while I was in the usc line at ohare airport waiting to enter, I turned my phone on for the first time since leaving and recieved message after message from like everybody I am related to crying because he died, then messages "we have to have a funeral and we can't stop worrying about you" and "we are burying him now and we are worried about you, you should be here..." and friends and neighbors, even my landlord calling "police are in your apartment to see if you are alive and asking about you...you gotta come home...

What a trainwreck. Guess how many of them were happy for us?

Anyway, I wish I would have told my family what I was doing. Again, I'm not saying this could happen to anyone else. Its just a pretty big regret I personally have.

[knowledge 0]

You have no idea how much Sian and I want a private civil wedding. Unfortunately, my Mom is one who would do the following:

1) Be pissed the rest of her life.

2) Thereafter refer to Sian as "that tramp" or "your girlfriend" (If Mom didn't see it, it isn't real)

3) Ignore Jordan's existence

4) Leave nasty little notes on my truck

5) She won't accept the wedding anyway, since it won't be in a church. Only church weddings are "real"... never mind the fact that Sian is an Athiest, and I switch between pagan and athiest....

Of course, my Mom is completely psycho......

I agree that some parents can not stop not to control situations and create guilt; therefore i think that nobody has the right to intrude in a such personal decision; once it's made in the couple, the next step is to announce to the world, not before. My opinion is to do whatever makes you confortable, pleased and relaxed. If people around do not understand that important moment in our lifes to be treated as such, they do not deserve our consideration whoever they are. Might sound a bit radical, but sometimes it can be useful to put a limit to people who make us so nervous. Good luck!!!

[knowledge 0]

Either a) explain to them that this is not your "real" wedding and you'd like to have them at only that to make it more special (and maybe hint at how much it's going to stress you out to have them visiting when you JUST got reunited with your fiance and want to get the paperwork filing over with

or B ) suck it up and let them come.

I face the same dilemma.

not "real"???...hm! looking around me all the divorcees, made me look to a certain point on which ground they began their relationship, and we might find there some mysterious reasons that got later and develpp into the relationship that did not work out...Therefore i got more sensitive to the fact to protect more the relationship, from the begining...nurture it etc., and an important thing like marriage has to be understood as sacred in terms of relationship...the quality of it and that includes that all be happy, including the relatives..to accept and respect the couple.s decision...Thus, would say: whatever makes you happy my girl!...not the reverse, if so, then the hidden message would be: oh no, i don't you to be happy, you have to wait for me for that...etc...strange huh? I'm talking about a happy foundation, in exact correspondence with the desire of the couple..Letting others intrude in the relationship and create to the couple such nervosity is not right ...for the foundation...!...

[Alex+R 0]

Either a) explain to them that this is not your "real" wedding and you'd like to have them at only that to make it more special (and maybe hint at how much it's going to stress you out to have them visiting when you JUST got reunited with your fiance and want to get the paperwork filing over with

or B ) suck it up and let them come.

I face the same dilemma.

not "real"???...hm! looking around me all the divorcees, made me look to a certain point on which ground they began their relationship, and we might find there some mysterious reasons that got later and develpp into the relationship that did not work out...Therefore i got more sensitive to the fact to protect more the relationship, from the begining...nurture it etc., and an important thing like marriage has to be understood as sacred in terms of relationship...the quality of it and that includes that all be happy, including the relatives..to accept and respect the couple.s decision...Thus, would say: whatever makes you happy my girl!...not the reverse, if so, then the hidden message would be: oh no, i don't you to be happy, you have to wait for me for that...etc...strange huh? I'm talking about a happy foundation, in exact correspondence with the desire of the couple..Letting others intrude in the relationship and create to the couple such nervosity is not right ...for the foundation...!...

While I don't really understand what the rest of your post was about, I will clarify on the "real" wedding point: I meant it's not the ceremony, it's just perhaps, the signing of the paperwork. That's how we're treating it, as we don't want our party-type wedding to be seen as a vow renewal.

[Fandango 1,440]

Yanno what, I'mma lob this one into the conversation:

Parents raise you, care for you, share in your life. I know that sometimes it's ridiculous to have to consider other people's feelings, but to shut the people who love you OUT from sharing in one of the biggest days of your lives just seems like a really awful thing to do.

Now there are a lot of families who are like 'hey it's your day' and who would really not be upset or offended by it, but if your family ISN'T like that...imagine what a slap in the face this would be. A mother who lived her life partially for your well being, then it's just 'too inconvenient' to have her share in your monumentous day. Imagine the pain that could cause someone & imagine how you'd feel in her shoes.

Isn't there some kind of compromise everyone could reach so that no one gets upset? Is it really that difficult? Including the ppl who love you in your life is one of the joys of being part of something that's precious. Imagine how sh!t one would feel if no one cared enough to even want to come?

[Ladylethal 12]

I am, for myself, very sad that my mom won´t be able to attend my wedding, and scared to hell it would pose as a problem with immigration at AOS.