educate me, please!

[MikelanNida 28]

hello everyone, i hope all is well, after reading a very interesting recent post i have to say i am as nervous as a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory!!! I am totally in love with my nida and i want to be the best i can be for her, so when i heard talk of supporting the family left behind i see i needto learn more. here it seems a woman can be called a gold digger for similar actions dealing with money like i recently read. my fiancee has mentioned nothing of the subject of supporting her family once she arrives, is this a given? without even having a need to discuss it? do others study american traditions and prepare for them? my fiancee is a sensitive woman and i must be careful how i address this subject to her, so any tips or advice will be welcome! god bless everyone!

[TravellingNomad 12]

for you to be scared because of one's man experience is silly. yeah he's not the only one to go through the situation but not all filipinas are like that.

my questions for you...does she understand your financial situation here? have you mentioned your financial standing here? if you haven't had the talk with her yet...then you better start. you can usually start the conversation with what your plans are for when she gets here....and then ask her what her plans are after she gets adjusted moving across the pacific. then lead the conversation off to budgeting and expenses.

Edited October 25, 2010 by TravellingNomad

[monalisa2010 1]

depend on my understanding she wanna u support her family when she marry u or just afiance ? second its my first time to hear that u have to support your woman family for any country and for any reason ,im sorry to say it seems cheat pls be careful cause alot of sexy woman play with their femality weopon to get man money and for usa they think they are millioners

wish i can have agood vision of that ,good luck

[Filipinawife0210 15]

Communication is key when it comes to this touchy subject. As a Filipina, my wife is all about her family. However, she has assured me that she has no desire to support her family once she is here. We discussed this very subject at length, so neither of us is surprised when she steps off the plane. Alot of people will say that when you marry a Filipina, you marry the family. This is very true in many ways. I have only met her family once, but feel as though I have been a part of their family my entire life. Her family has asked for help occasionally, but my wife has no problem telling them what we can and cannot do. Communication between you, your wife-to-be and her family is soooo important!

[AdamW 2]

hello everyone, i hope all is well, after reading a very interesting recent post i have to say i am as nervous as a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory!!! I am totally in love with my nida and i want to be the best i can be for her, so when i heard talk of supporting the family left behind i see i needto learn more. here it seems a woman can be called a gold digger for similar actions dealing with money like i recently read. my fiancee has mentioned nothing of the subject of supporting her family once she arrives, is this a given? without even having a need to discuss it? do others study american traditions and prepare for them? my fiancee is a sensitive woman and i must be careful how i address this subject to her, so any tips or advice will be welcome! god bless everyone!

my thoughts to you is bring all your concerns up before she comes here. We westerners do not have the same attitude toward family so please talk about all your concerns prior.

[raymaga 25]

I think you are right to be cautious. This topic comes up very often on VJ, and I think a lot of the problems could be avoided by talking about this subject BEFORE you bring your fiance/spouse to the U.S.

Have the conversation with your fiance and make sure you have an understanding of how and if you will help out her family after she arrives.

Good luck.

Edited October 25, 2010 by raymaga

[Casprd 167]

Having the financial conversations, including any support for her family are a must to have up front. It can be a touchy subject but better to lay the cards on the table so to speak rather than have a problem afterwards. In my case, we talked about what support my spouse is giving to her family now and what would be expected in the future. She knows our financial situation here and how much we can afford so it hasn't been an issue. I have been clear that her family is my family now and I know this is part of our responsibility. We're fortunate in that her family is financially stable so it hasn't caused any problems, but I know others who didn't get this established to begin with and it caused a lot of heartache.

[MikelanNida 28]

thanks everyone for your input!, yes, she knows how much i make, i have shown pay stubs, etc. so i am the one who should bring up the topic of supporting her family if/when needed? ok, i will, its good to have a place like this where a person can get advice and help from a reliable source, thanks to everyone!

[Maxx121 14]

Think of it like this, if your mom needed something and you coudl afford to give it would you?

Me and mine have had this conversation a few times and though she wants to support her family her own family has told her make sure you take care of your own family first, at least her parents say that and thats what counts.

but to me its a matter of whats right. i mean if you know her family is starving and you can help kinds screwed up not to. Again i just think of my own family and what i woudl do for my mohter and my sisters, you cant expect her to do any less.

just beware as i have heard horror stories of it gettin out of control. my uncles wife is from haiti, and she sends ALOT of money back home.

the best way to ask is to just ask her what her expectations are, thats what i did, then i brought up her family and the conversation flowed from there till we came to some middle ground. Thats what relationships are all about, communicating and finding the middle ground on touchy subjects.

[charlie&pam 1]

Interesting topic:)

Let me share what my hubby and i talked everyday before when im in phils.It's really nice when you both are open about family situation that is a good conversation ,I don't want to be called a gold digger or just using my fiance now hubby coz it will return to you called 'KARMA',just love your fiance or hubby no matter what or what ever he had..I love my hubby so much so i know what the situation he had before until now and i understand that....I keep loving him with or without money...It' nice to see your helping each other even just a little things...Hopefully your fiancee will not used you with her family,if they need help you can help but u need to have limit on that not too much asking you...anyway just want to share this only..hopefully it will work and you understand my english..lol....just trying to learn moRe....GODBLESS

[kristalstravel 0]

I know we Filipina are so sensitive (ok not all of us) but open communication will helps, I am sure while you are chatting you are talking everything and anything under the sun so eventually it will lead to future plans,expenses,budgets,dreams etc, there you go,way to talk about her family in the philippines when she leave.

Its good to help but dont teach them to be dependent on you, totally.. Would you rather give a rice or let them know how to crop rice?

Our cultures are different here when it comes to family but then It wasnt the husbands obligation to help our family way back. I do help/support my family in my own means, so dont worry your fiancee will learn everything when she comes here, I am sure she is smart enough to understand everything when you talk.

Helping her family still up to you guys

hello everyone, i hope all is well, after reading a very interesting recent post i have to say i am as nervous as a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory!!! I am totally in love with my nida and i want to be the best i can be for her, so when i heard talk of supporting the family left behind i see i needto learn more. here it seems a woman can be called a gold digger for similar actions dealing with money like i recently read. my fiancee has mentioned nothing of the subject of supporting her family once she arrives, is this a given? without even having a need to discuss it? do others study american traditions and prepare for them? my fiancee is a sensitive woman and i must be careful how i address this subject to her, so any tips or advice will be welcome! god bless everyone!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

my fiancee has mentioned nothing of the subject of supporting her family once she arrives, is this a given? without even having a need to discuss it?

Without question - if her family is in need of her help, and it is economically feasible to do so, then she will (at least from her perspective). I don't know why so many Westerners have trouble with the concept of helping family. However, that doesn't mean that you just send them money, no questions asked. For example, a friend of ours who came over from Philippines almost 20 years ago, had been sending money to her younger siblings for college, but after several years, she found out that at least one of them wasn't actually going and was using the money for other things.

So if in the future, your wife's family needs ongoing financial support, it would be well within your prerogative to ask questions and to structure the help in such a way that it truly helps rather than just becoming a crutch, IMO. For example, paying their tuition and books directly vs. just sending money.

Edited October 27, 2010 by El Buscador

[MikelanNida 28]

Hello everyone! thanks for the advice, and let me clarify,the money is not the problem or the source of my fears, it was the loss of trust the guy must have felt when he sees someone he totally trusts attempting to send money behind his back, i have sent thousands to my fiancee and never asked what she use it for, and i have xoom records which i sent in as evidence to prove it. So basically i just had a concern since she never brought it up to me. I am willing to do what is necessary to have a happy healthy relationship, she is an equal partner in this and i do feel whats mine is hers too. I encourage her to tell me all her hopes, dreams , and expectations, because i am here to help make them all come true, it is a true love we have no matter where she is from and i know our love will last a lifetime! thanks again, and keep it coming, there is no such thing as learning too much.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Hello everyone! thanks for the advice, and let me clarify,the money is not the problem or the source of my fears, it was the loss of trust the guy must have felt when he sees someone he totally trusts attempting to send money behind his back, i have sent thousands to my fiancee and never asked what she use it for, and i have xoom records which i sent in as evidence to prove it. So basically i just had a concern since she never brought it up to me. I am willing to do what is necessary to have a happy healthy relationship, she is an equal partner in this and i do feel whats mine is hers too. I encourage her to tell me all her hopes, dreams , and expectations, because i am here to help make them all come true, it is a true love we have no matter where she is from and i know our love will last a lifetime! thanks again, and keep it coming, there is no such thing as learning too much.

Whoah! I wouldn't send that kind of money to ANYONE in my family, without knowing where it is going or being used for, for one.

Pardon me for asking, but why are you sending her that much money without any explanation or reason behind it? IMO, that's not only red flag for you to be aware of, but a red flag to the Consulate during the interview process, because he's going to probably ask her what you should be asking - what is all the money being used for?

Edited October 27, 2010 by El Buscador

[rheanick 42]

Hello everyone! thanks for the advice, and let me clarify,the money is not the problem or the source of my fears, it was the loss of trust the guy must have felt when he sees someone he totally trusts attempting to send money behind his back, i have sent thousands to my fiancee and never asked what she use it for, and i have xoom records which i sent in as evidence to prove it. So basically i just had a concern since she never brought it up to me. I am willing to do what is necessary to have a happy healthy relationship, she is an equal partner in this and i do feel whats mine is hers too. I encourage her to tell me all her hopes, dreams , and expectations, because i am here to help make them all come true, it is a true love we have no matter where she is from and i know our love will last a lifetime! thanks again, and keep it coming, there is no such thing as learning too much.

US embassy manila employees sort of accepted the fact that filipinas normally gets support from USC even before married. In fact, they even find it strange or unbelievable if a filipina does not get any monetary support. Pardon to other filipinas but that is straight from the mouth of USEM interviewers (those filipinos who initially examine the applicant papers).

But giving thousands of dollars to your fiancee, i would say, expect to continue giving money to her family even after you got married.

BTW, i never brought out the financial aspect in our relationship since i have no plans of asking my USC hubby then fiance to support my family. Even when we were dating, I never asked for any monthly support. Right now, even though I dont have a job, I have enough savings to support my family back in the philippines.