What to say to your 12yo about smoking

[Claire and Troy 2]

I discovered this morning that my son has been experimenting with cigarettes. I smelled it on him, but didn't say anything and left for work. I called him a few minutes ago and told him I had something to ask him and I needed the truth, which would be kept between him and I. If I tell his mother, she will go OFF the deep end and my son will clam up and not say a thing more and most likely hide it and anything else he tries *groan*. My kids know I always reward honesty with understanding and the *occasional* leniency. He admitted he had been trying them for the past week. I believe this to be the truth and I said very calmly, thanks for being honest and I will want to have a talk with you later about this when I get home. He seemed okay with that and we hung up on a good note.

My plan is to educate, rather than punish, in a way he can relate to. In my mind, just saying it's bad and harmful isn't enough nor is explaining the long term effects since it's not something he can fully grasp without experiencing it and or seeing it. Now to get a grip on how to get *inside* the mind of a 12 year old boy experimenting with these things, which I DO understand, and get him to make the conscious decision to choose the right path.

I'm hoping to hear some positive experiences from other parents out there.

[Ontarkie 14,280]

I wanted to say Good Job. Its hard enough dealing with kids, keeping an open mind and a peaceful conversation is not always easy. Maybe there's something on the Internet directed to 12yr old about smoking. What ever you do keep talking.

Ive been lucky my kids saw there father smoking and hacking up a lung on a daily basis(he smoked outside), plus 2 of them are asthmatic so smoke bothers them. Smoking just never appealed to them thank goodness.

Edited March 16, 2010 by Ontarkie

[SMOKE 1,426]

give him a look into his future.

tell him to put a drinking straw in his mouth. breath only thru the straw, then walk up a couple flights of stairs. then ask him 'do you want to stop now while you can? or later when its almost impossible? or even worse when you stop period?'

[one...two...tree 2,762]

From my experience, peer pressure (both positive and negative) is the biggest influence on our teenager's behavior. He's hanging around other kids who are smoking. IMO, the best thing to combat negative peer pressure is to surround him with positive influence - team sports, church groups, boy scouts, etc. You can explain to him the dangers of smoking until you are blue in the face, and certainly you should at least let him know that you don't approve of it, as well as you will not tolerate it given that he is under age, but as long as his primary influence is coming from negative peer pressure, he'll continue to do it. The worst of it is - there's a good chance that he's smoking pot as well. For that, you could give him random urine tests, but you might consider getting family counseling because this could be just a warning sign of far more destructive behavior to come, especially considering his young age. Just my two cents.

[Obama 2012 1,714]

Keep talking and be honest.

It's a tough situation really. You can't just say 'no don't do that' but you can encourage him to stop by pushing facts here and there and asking about the 'why' part of him smoking.

If you try and push too much, he's just going to do it on his own and behind your back.

Education is the best tool you have and really the only tool you have for someone entering their teenage years. Don't 'over' educate though. Just enough so he realizes the dnagers and also realizes that it makes you unhappy that he is taking up something like smoking.

The only way you can 'push' the issue ever is the old 'make em smoke til their sick' method, but it's not one I personally would ever encourage necessarily.

Good luck.

[Nagishkaw 510]

Where is he getting the money to buy smokes?

[Peikko 1,575]

?

Steven, while there is the possibility of anything and everything, it is just as likely that this is simply an experiment with cigarettes and you could well tip the balance completely the wrong way with all this intervention that you are proposing. The OP seems to have the exactly right approach in my opinion, trying to keep the lines of communication open and giving the 12 year old plenty of information to make informed choices.

I do agree that it is likely to be peer pressure motivated of course but you don't change that by riding rough shod over a child's choice of friends. Peer pressure is not simply 'other children making our child do things we don't like'. For all we know, this child is the one who is driving the other children to experiment or it could simply be equal pressure from all egging each other on. Without knowing the exact dynamics, that's impossible to make a judgment on, but without knowing, simply changing the circle of friends by force will not have a positive effect and could in fact make things much worse.

[Claire and Troy 2]

From my experience, peer pressure (both positive and negative) is the biggest influence on our teenager's behavior. He's hanging around other kids who are smoking. IMO, the best thing to combat negative peer pressure is to surround him with positive influence - team sports, church groups, boy scouts, etc. You can explain to him the dangers of smoking until you are blue in the face, and certainly you should at least let him know that you don't approve of it, as well as you will not tolerate it given that he is under age, but as long as his primary influence is coming from negative peer pressure, he'll continue to do it. The worst of it is - there's a good chance that he's smoking pot as well. For that, you could give him random urine tests, but you might consider getting family counseling because this could be just a warning sign of far more destructive behavior to come, especially considering his young age. Just my two cents.

I have considered that this extends beyond cigarettes. Urine tests IMO undermines the issue of trust, and as such, am loathe to do it unless absolutely necessary. I do agree that explanations alone are not enough and you offer some good suggestions with creating positive influences among his peers. That's not something I had thought of.

I knew I'd come to this crossroad eventually but I guess a lot of us are never fully prepared when it finally does happen. Thanks for the input.

[Claire and Troy 2]

The only way you can 'push' the issue ever is the old 'make em smoke til their sick' method, but it's not one I personally would ever encourage necessarily.

My father did that with my brother and he's still struggling to this day, 30 years later. Not something I will ever do.

[Claire and Troy 2]

Where is he getting the money to buy smokes?

Apparently him and one of his buddies took them from his friend's father. That's a whole other issue to add on and one I will address.

[Danno 1,228]

I am more concerned that you and your spouse have these secrets behind each others back.

You might not like her reaction but if she is the parent, she has a right (and roll) to play as well... and don't think this will be the last time you feel the need to keep something he does from MOM.

You may not agree with her style but you two caN WORK THAT OUT BEFORE CONFRONTING JR.

Most people I grew up with smoked including me, nearly all have quit so I don't see a kid smoking as the end of the world. In fact if your kid was fat I bet you would not even be as alarmed yet they situation is multiple times more likely to lead to an early death and reduced quality of life.

What I would be sure to do is... find out who he is hanging around, this crowd could introduce him to more than just cheap cigs.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

?

Steven, while there is the possibility of anything and everything, it is just as likely that this is simply an experiment with cigarettes and you could well tip the balance completely the wrong way with all this intervention that you are proposing. The OP seems to have the exactly right approach in my opinion, trying to keep the lines of communication open and giving the 12 year old plenty of information to make informed choices.

I do agree that it is likely to be peer pressure motivated of course but you don't change that by riding rough shod over a child's choice of friends. Peer pressure is not simply 'other children making our child do things we don't like'. For all we know, this child is the one who is driving the other children to experiment or it could simply be equal pressure from all egging each other on. Without knowing the exact dynamics, that's impossible to make a judgment on, but without knowing, simply changing the circle of friends by force will not have a positive effect and could in fact make things much worse.

How he the OP works towards limiting his child's exposure to negative peer pressure is entirely up to him and his wife. Every parent is different. For example, for me, I would set a curfew for my 12 year old. Setting boundaries and limits for your child is what they need. A 12 year old is less likely to be enthusiastic about joining the boy scouts, or even a team sport if they've never played before, which is why it's important to get your children involved in extracurricular activities while they are younger and more malleable. Parents need to remind themselves that their children are not adults - they lack the capacity to fully comprehend their choices as well as lack the maturity.

Edited March 16, 2010 by Galt's gallstones

[Claire and Troy 2]

?

Steven, while there is the possibility of anything and everything, it is just as likely that this is simply an experiment with cigarettes and you could well tip the balance completely the wrong way with all this intervention that you are proposing. The OP seems to have the exactly right approach in my opinion, trying to keep the lines of communication open and giving the 12 year old plenty of information to make informed choices.

I do agree that it is likely to be peer pressure motivated of course but you don't change that by riding rough shod over a child's choice of friends. Peer pressure is not simply 'other children making our child do things we don't like'. For all we know, this child is the one who is driving the other children to experiment or it could simply be equal pressure from all egging each other on. Without knowing the exact dynamics, that's impossible to make a judgment on, but without knowing, simply changing the circle of friends by force will not have a positive effect and could in fact make things much worse.

I see your point and have taken it in. But I think the suggestions weren't so much aimed as changing the circle of friends, rather offering up some positive activities he could get involved in and maybe get some positive influence flowing from another source, or at least that's how I interpreted it.

[Calypso 464]

I am more concerned that you and your spouse have these secrets behind each others back.

You might not like her reaction but if she is the parent, she has a right (and roll) to play as well... and don't think this will be the last time you feel the need to keep something he does from MOM.

Not a bad idea. Maybe you meant role, not roll.

[Claire and Troy 2]

I am more concerned that you and your spouse have these secrets behind each others back.

You might not like her reaction but if she is the parent, she has a right (and roll) to play as well... and don't think this will be the last time you feel the need to keep something he does from MOM.

You may not agree with her style but you two caN WORK THAT OUT BEFORE CONFRONTING JR.

Most people I grew up with smoked including me, nearly all have quit so I don't see a kid smoking as the end of the world. In fact if your kid was fat I bet you would not even be as alarmed yet they situation is multiple times more likely to lead to an early death and reduced quality of life.

What I would be sure to do is... find out who he is hanging around, this crowd could introduce him to more than just cheap cigs.

Just to clarify, this is my ex-spouse, and she is very prone to overreacting and I've seen the results, it's not pretty. It's one of the many reasons she's my ex. At some point she will be told, but now isn't the time. Trust me! It's better for me to absorb her wrath than him.