Cheating Fiance

[luckytxn 2,265]

Well, here's the latest update.

I wrote her a letter and decided to give her an ultimatum. I think this was the best choice, because it was the best opportunity to put all the cards on the table and give her the opportunity to be up front about where she is on this.

I basically told her that trust is not freely given. It was broken, and it has to be rebuilt. I told her that going to nightclubs doesn't rebuild trust, and that it's not fair to put me in a position where I'm anxious and stressed out. I pointed out that two months is hardly a long period of time, and that staying away from nightclubs is an awfully small sacrifice to make for someone you want to spend your life with.

At that, I said that I think it's time that we consider seeing other people, since something motivated her to stray in the first place.

Shortly after that, she sent me a text message urgently trying to get in touch with me. Now, I don't like to play games, but I didn't respond to her because I honestly didn't know what to say. And I considered that responding might inevitably put us in this vicious cycle that would never end. However ... she told me unambiguously that it's not even close to worth it for her to lose me by going out clubbing, and that she would certainly give it up.

Well ... I responded. I told her that since the trust was broken, I can't even have any way of knowing whether or not she's going to clubs behind my back or not. I said I don't want to go through these two months wondering. She responded that she'll skype with me from her home before she goes to bed each night to prove it ... she said she'll do whatever it takes to earn my trust, even if it takes years.

Now I have a bit of a dilemma. The bottom line is that I'm deeply in love with this girl. I know it sounds bad that she goes out clubbing, but honestly, that's part of the culture in her part of the world, and even my most conservative friends when clubbing in that city. I hardly ever go out to clubs at all here in the states, but I went often there, because that's just what people do. So I can't blame her for feeling the peer pressure to go clubbing ... it doesn't make her slutty (as some have asserted). But, she can avoid going pretty easily if she values this relationship. She's made a commitment to me not to go to nightclubs, and provided a method of accountability. I think that means something, because if she really wanted to see other people, she would have pounced on my assertion that was for the best.

I do know her pretty well. Although it was surprising that she strayed, she was never like that before. I've talked to other boyfriends in her past, and she was always conservative and faithful. She was certainly always faithful to me before, even when I took a trip to the states for three weeks. As I mentioned ... I knew when something had happened, there was a sudden guilt that was evident all over her face. A bad girl doesn't exhibit that kind of guilt ... I know, because I've been with some bad girls. No remorse at all, it's normal for them to sleep around a lot with complete selfish disregard for anyone else. I think to err is human, and my fiance made a mistake (and a big one, at that). If she really wanted to keep seeing other guys, wouldn't she just choose that (especially when I opened the door for that to happen)?

She's made it clear that she wants to salvage our relationship and is willing to do whatever it takes without compromise. I have the added bonus in this relationship with being pretty close with her sister and brother-in-law who are both living in the US right now. She confessed what happened to her sister, and her sister of course ripped her a new one. But they both believe she's really genuine in her remorse, and it seems pretty obvious to me that she is.

Do I give the girl another chance, or cut her loose? Well, I know I'm the only one who can make that decision. But I'm curious what others would do, given the circumstances.

You give this ####### another chance and then it will be on you when she does it again but this time she will be more stealthy. She is a dishonest person and could never be trusted. Just thinking about staying with this ####### shows that you have problems and maybe should stay with her for the learning experience.

[Fandango 1,440]

Well, all I know is that in my previous relationship, I got to the point where I suggested we see other people. Kind of like a 'don't ask don't tell' thing. Our separation was exceptionally long, and I'm a realist. Anyhoo, he flipped out. Said if I wanted other people, I didn't want him, yadda yadda yadda.

Turns out, he had been banging everything that moved. Why not then take the option I suggest? He later admitted it was control...he wanted to do what he wanted, but didn't want me to do the same.

Everyone here can speculate, but only you know what you want to do. I think you're not done yet, because when you're done, you're done. You don't sound done to me.

[mawilson 2,133]

Well, all I know is that in my previous relationship, I got to the point where I suggested we see other people. Kind of like a 'don't ask don't tell' thing. Our separation was exceptionally long, and I'm a realist. Anyhoo, he flipped out. Said if I wanted other people, I didn't want him, yadda yadda yadda.

That's my problem with it. Many (most?) people actually do want to have multiple sex partners, but are too hypocritical (or selfish) to admit it.

[FortLaudy 10]

Well, all I know is that in my previous relationship, I got to the point where I suggested we see other people. Kind of like a 'don't ask don't tell' thing. Our separation was exceptionally long, and I'm a realist. Anyhoo, he flipped out. Said if I wanted other people, I didn't want him, yadda yadda yadda.

Turns out, he had been banging everything that moved. Why not then take the option I suggest? He later admitted it was control...he wanted to do what he wanted, but didn't want me to do the same.

Everyone here can speculate, but only you know what you want to do. I think you're not done yet, because when you're done, you're done. You don't sound done to me.

Some people are fine with "open relationships" but dang, it's completely uncool when only one of the two is screwing around... either it's "open" or not.

[Fandango 1,440]

That's my problem with it. Many (most?) people actually do want to have multiple sex partners, but are too hypocritical (or selfish) to admit it.

Well, I wasn't even specifically talking sex either....more like a dating option. But i kinda agree with this (-most)

[luckytxn 2,265]

Some people are fine with "open relationships" but dang, it's completely uncool when only one of the two is screwing around... either it's "open" or not.

Kinda unfair on my part. My wife is a young and hot Asian babe. I am 50 years old and to say the least my best years were awhile ago. Now if I could get her to maybe like other hot Asian babes and share then we can talk. :dance:

[FortLaudy 10]

That's my problem with it. Many (most?) people actually do want to have multiple sex partners, but are too hypocritical (or selfish) to admit it.

I don't know if women are the same as men, but I do believe what you're saying is 100% true about most men. I always wonder about this, I wonder if my husband will get sick of sleeping with the same woman after 20 years and want to cheat, lol... I brought it up the other day and he says he'll never get sick of me, but I do think it's pretty inevitable and the biggest complaint of cheaters/divorcees - sex life, right? My solution: threesome, that's only if I get to choose the other girl

[mawilson 2,133]

My solution: threesome, that's only if I get to choose the other girl

Or guy

[FortLaudy 10]

Or guy

I don't think I could handle that, honestly. But isn't it always a secret fantasy of guys to have threesomes: 1 guy with 2 girls (or more ) ?

[Unsettled 0]

That's my problem with it. Many (most?) people actually do want to have multiple sex partners, but are too hypocritical (or selfish) to admit it.

You're right, I think it's natural that a lot of people desire multiple sex partners. But is it necessary? A lot of people desire to kill someone that pisses them off, and yet they have to exert some degree of self-control in order to live harmoniously within society. Of course I'm sexually attracted to other women, but I see the greatest value in having a partner who you do life with together. Open relationships are fine as long as they're honest and that the two parties give each other full mutual trust and support. But if one person feels anxious or insecure, it just ain't gonna work. I think most people wouldn't be capable of having this kind of relationship without feeling insecure, especially considering the reality that one's sex appeal diminishes as they grow older. Then what? I'd rather grow old with someone who loves me for me, and who I love for them. If sexual attraction is all there is, then it's a cold, lonely death that one dies. Not what I want...

[_Simpson_ 250]

I dont see you walking away because that is a very hard thing to do when your in love and the fact you gave her a second chance after she betrayed you in the worst possible way. Same thing happened to me and I gave her a second chance, needless to say that relationship is over because she went and did it again. If you can do it, I would walk away now. I mean for her to complain about you not wanting her to go to clubs considering what happened and on top of that you are a month and half away from finishing the visa process but she doesnt want to give up her nightlife tells me this woman is nothing but trouble. Now she could be the exception to the rule but we only have one life to live and that is not a chance worth taking considering there is plenty of great woman out there.

Edited February 7, 2010 by _Simpson_

[mawilson 2,133]

I don't think I could handle that, honestly. But isn't it always a secret fantasy of guys to have threesomes: 1 guy with 2 girls (or more ) ?

1 guy, 2 girls or 2 guys, 1 girl - either way

[FortLaudy 10]

1 guy, 2 girls or 2 guys, 1 girl - either way

You would do it either way? How shocking

[Danno 1,228]

You give this ####### another chance and then it will be on you when she does it again but this time she will be more stealthy. She is a dishonest person and could never be trusted. Just thinking about staying with this ####### shows that you have problems and maybe should stay with her for the learning experience.

Your post is -Right on.

I predicted that no matter what advice he was given here, he would play the "suckers roll" and try to put it all back together.

I wish him good luck but the odds are seriously stacked against him.

[Aklem 0]

I dont believe one bit that she was remorseful for cheating on you. I think she is remorseful that she might screw up her chances of living in the states with you and use you however way she wants; cause she can if you let yourself be a doormat.

*If you'll have me*... words from the person who was cheated on? If you take her back and she does it again, dont be surprised.