Bringing me over to the US

[Scott & LC 3]

Hello all

Well, here's my situation: I will be going to the US in November to be with my fiance. He promised me last time that he'll come here and go there with me together. Now, with the economy situation and his lack of days off, he decided that he would not be coming over. However, my mum insists that he should come here, ask for my hand in marriage and go there together... that if he loves me that much, he should come here and bring me there, instead of me going there alone.

I understand both sides of the story.

1. I know how my parents feel. I mean, all they want is the best for their daughter. I know that they want their daughter to be taken care of, knowing that a responsible guy will take good care of me.

2. I know it's hard for my fiance to gather all the money and fly here. He'll spend a lot of money just for a few days, it takes like 24 hours just to fly here... and when we fly back together, he won't have time off to take me around, see his parents, etc. I have not met his parents and he has met my parents.

I really don't know what to do. I would love for him to be here. As selfish as it sounds, I do think that if he really loves me, he should come here as I'll be going there to live. On the other hand, I would love it if he has time off to spend with me when I arrive in the US.

I'm torn. What are your 2 cents??? Thank you.

[trinket 30]

You are the judge of your fiance's financial situation. So decide upon that, think about all the factors before asking him to come over to Malayasia. Think about if there are any chances of him losing his job if he does risk taking leaves or how much burden it would be financially.

Since you are coming to US with K-1, so there are more fees to pay once you come to US, so handle things accordingly. Life isn't easy, if you have to do some compromises here and there, do it. I do understand where your parents are coming from, but economic situation is tough all around the world. Is it really worth of having your fiance risk his job?

[Minya's wife 24]

If you're in the process of getting the K-1 visa, then he should have already asked for your hand in marriage, you're his "fiancee" already.

Given the economic hardships experienced by many throughout, not just the US, I think if your man is telling you he does not have enough $$$ to fly there and bring you back, you should consider that he is doing it exactly because he loves you, and not the opposite. He's considering the future and making sure that he has the means to financially support his future wife and to properly introduce her to her new life. I think that's a very responsible thing, and that would mean more to me than "...if he really loves me, he should come here as I'll be going there to live."

Please don't get offended, but how old are you? Your statements sound a tad on the naive/young side, is all.

[Gemmie 142]

It's not really essential for your fiance to be there to "pick you up" from your home country. Of course it's nice to be able to fly back together to your new home but it isn't always smart to focus on what is nice. Finances will probably be difficult during and after the K1 and AOS process so my advice would be to suck it up and go alone.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but an international relationship isn't always about what people would prefer. Lots of sacrifices have to be made. If your parents want to meet him, sort out a vacation amongst everyone involved.

[champi 13]

If your parents have never met your fiance, then I can see where your parents are coming from and I sort of agree that he should come down and meet you and your family regardless of cost.

Otherwise, I agree with VJ members here and echo their opinion that while it is nice for your fiance to come to your country, it requires time/money. You can try to explain to your parents that the money he will spend to come to your country can be used for your marriage or setting up home or paying fees for adjusting status or further studies or just save up for rainy days since US economy can get worse (or better) anytime... Maybe explaining them with #s (like total cost of him coming vs only you flying there, ex. $6000 vs. $1500 may help)

Edited July 13, 2009 by champi

[Jose Rizal 1]

Times are difficult in the US right now. Think of the future and not just about today. Though for most Asians such as ourselves, that would be the ideal situation. But things are different now. We have to be practical.

[justashooter 430]

It's not really essential for your fiance to be there to "pick you up" from your home country. Of course it's nice to be able to fly back together to your new home but it isn't always smart to focus on what is nice. Finances will probably be difficult during and after the K1 and AOS process so my advice would be to suck it up and go alone.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but an international relationship isn't always about what people would prefer. Lots of sacrifices have to be made. If your parents want to meet him, sort out a vacation amongst everyone involved.

It is custom in most asian countries for the groom to appear at the family home of the bride and beg for her hand or make public show, in one way or another. In China it is custom for the bride's friends to meet him at the door and deny his entry, telling him he is not good enough, until he hands them a red envelope with some cash inside. Then he has to find the bride and her shoes, which have been deliberately hidden. The shoes can't be just any shoes. They have to be new shoes, so she won't take the dust from her old house into her new life. To prevent this, the groom has to carry the girl out of the house, etc. etc. etc.

The ritual is sometimes played out in true traditional form, but these days an abbreviated form is common. Appearing at the door of her parent's house is almost always a part of the format. It's just the way it is.

[Scott & LC 3]

Thanks for everyone who replied.

Yes, I might be a bit immature and like I've said in my original post about being selfish, in wanting him to come 1/2 way around the world here to bring me over there. I guess I just want to make my parents, especially my mum, happy. I just want to ensure them that I will be taken care of, that I will be in good hands.

I have actually talked to my fiance before, and at first he agreed in coming over here, but then I realised about the amount of money to be paid after I go there, i.e. AOS fees, etc... I realised it's not that feasible for him to come here and then go back there. Besides, I would like him to take a few days off just to slowly ease me into his life, rather than going back to work straightaway if he comes here.

I know it's far fetched that he will be coming here to bring me there. A girl can always dream Oh well, guess I'll just have to deal with the long #### flight alone! :/

But thanks everyone