Failing relationships

[Kotenochek 0]

Hey Guys,

We always write when things are awesome,but never really when they suck...

Recently I have heard many sad stories from my girlfriends that moved here same way( through K1-K3)...

And I should say my own relationship is not at the top of the mountain nowadays"in spite my maid outfits,SLim"...

What is going with American Men?Is it the crisis that makes you guys so insecure or whats up?

Or after 2 years interest is just gone for no reason?

I am not saying I am extra perfect,but I have been there for my husband 1000%,supporting through everything,loving and doing everything possible...However I think now that could be the reason...Maybe when you give it all to Men don't want it anymore?

[TXLADY 0]

oh sis ,good thread .i think relationships are sensitive EVEN when visa is not involved.

but we need to ask ourselves questions when we make sacrifice to move home n job ,leave all behind to be with our man and he takes same woman for granted .

we need to gear up and not lose hope or heart.

[K1researcher 0]

the generalizations you are making are a bit off base. your statement "might" be right uder certain people, but defeinately noy most or even all.

Marriage is a choice and lifestyle that requires massive amounts of commitment and work to make work. Both parties need to work teogther for it to be sucessfu, or it is doomed to fail. Communication and compromise is very important.

Talk to him, tell him you feeling and make him reciprocate.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

We always write when things are awesome,but never really when they suck...

Recently I have heard many sad stories from my girlfriends that moved here same way( through K1-K3)...

And I should say my own relationship is not at the top of the mountain nowadays"in spite my maid outfits,SLim"...

What is going with American Men?Is it the crisis that makes you guys so insecure or whats up?

The economy and the world in general is a little crazy right now. It can really add to the stress level. Although......men are men. We have our bad days, just like women. Maybe one of his sports teams is doing really terrible in the playoffs?

I can speak from my own personal experience with regards to relationships...You have your good months and your bad months. It is an ebb and flow. It is possible that it looks like one side or the other has lost interest in the relationship...but then is when both sides have to but a little extra effort in to it. Hopefully he isn't taking you for granted OR that you don't feel like he is taking you for granted.

Maybe something is bothering him, maybe not. Be the Russian woman, and be super direct, ask him - "What the hell is wrong with you?" Preferably while holding a frying pan. -- that is a joke. Seriously just ask him whats going on? Problems at work, problems with buddies, sport teams, just stressed out? While you are rubbing his shoulders, and looking fine, he will most likely let you know what it is going on.

Stick with it.

[amberdima 6]

Hey Guys,

We always write when things are awesome,but never really when they suck...

Recently I have heard many sad stories from my girlfriends that moved here same way( through K1-K3)...

And I should say my own relationship is not at the top of the mountain nowadays"in spite my maid outfits,SLim"...

What is going with American Men?Is it the crisis that makes you guys so insecure or whats up?

Or after 2 years interest is just gone for no reason?

I am not saying I am extra perfect,but I have been there for my husband 1000%,supporting through everything,loving and doing everything possible...However I think now that could be the reason...Maybe when you give it all to Men don't want it anymore?

many people post about failing relationships. see here: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showforum=127

[mox 298]

Hey Guys,

We always write when things are awesome,but never really when they suck...

Recently I have heard many sad stories from my girlfriends that moved here same way( through K1-K3)...

And I should say my own relationship is not at the top of the mountain nowadays"in spite my maid outfits,SLim"...

What is going with American Men?Is it the crisis that makes you guys so insecure or whats up?

Or after 2 years interest is just gone for no reason?

I am not saying I am extra perfect,but I have been there for my husband 1000%,supporting through everything,loving and doing everything possible...However I think now that could be the reason...Maybe when you give it all to Men don't want it anymore?

Darn Kotenochek, I'm sorry to hear this.

But remember that just like you can't say that all Russian women are a certain way, you can't say American men are all a certain way either. It's impossible to know what's going on in your relationship from what you've posted, but I would recommend talking to your husband and trying to figure out what's going on. It could be stress from work, it could be that he doesn't realize what he's doing, or it could be a million different other things. You just won't know unless you make the effort to talk to him and ask what's up. Best of luck to you, I hope you can get things worked out.

[It's me 1]

the generalizations you are making are a bit off base. your statement "might" be right uder certain people, but defeinately noy most or even all.

Marriage is a choice and lifestyle that requires massive amounts of commitment and work to make work. Both parties need to work teogther for it to be sucessfu, or it is doomed to fail. Communication and compromise is very important.

Talk to him, tell him you feeling and make him reciprocate.

This is a great answer ! Praying together will also help tremendousy!!!

[mox 298]

This is a great answer ! Praying together will also help tremendousy!!!

Assuming both people are religious. Otherwise it's just...er...awkward.

[Merle 458]

Maybe your man is crazy.

[anka 1]

Oh no! I'm sorry to hear that...

Marriage will always have its ups-and-downs, obviously. This is pretty bland/vague advice that you probably already know, but I do think that the top reason for any marriage to be successful, is to learn how to effectively communicate with one another - figuring out how to work out the kinks before they become problems (and pent-up angst) further down the road is essential. Ach! I wish I could give you some better advice than this...

Have you told him how you feel? Have you asked him what's up? What does he say is going on?

[slim 1,514]

I've actually tried to post some of the "bad" stuff here because I believe the other part of our Visa Journey (The unofficial stuff that doesn't directly deal with visas, immigration, paperwork, etc. - The everyday life stuff.) is just as important, maybe more so, than the visa. My wife wasn't thrilled when I shared some personal details here on the forum but I think it's a great place to get feedback and advice and to also help us realize we're not alone and many of us here are going through similar situations. Sure, we're not all best friends, but we're not really strangers either. Some things we can share because we don't really know each other but other things we try to keep private when really, we should be sharing. I made a good friend through VJ, met in person, and wouldn't feel funny sharing anything with him or his wife. Several others here on the forum I've never met but I'm pretty sure we'd be good buddies too. (On that note, it's time to get a VJ Russia Forum meetup going!) Anyway, we're all going through something, and maybe what you're going through is exactly what someone else needs to hear. So, that's my little plea to everyone to open up a little more. Don't feel like you have to keep everything private. Share!

OK - Kotenochek, from the limited bit of things you've posted about your husband, he seems like a pretty good guy, and what sounds like is happening is just the lull that naturally occurs once the fire and passion and the "newness" of being together wears off and the daily grind sets in. My wife absolutely HATED me for about a year (OK, more like two years) because she expected all those nice things that I did while we were still in the "warming up" stages to continue indefinitely. I'm telling you, as a man, I'm not going to buy flowers all the time. I'm not going to go out of my way to be romantic, all the time. As a matter of fact, now that we've been married for a while, dare I say, I shouldn't have to. - And that's where the problems start.

See, women expect a man to always be that guy. The guy who they fell in love with, the guy who waited out in the rain for two hours, the guy who held their hair while they puked (bad example, but you get the point) the guy who cared about them and asked them how their day was. That nice, wonderful, loving, adoring guy.

Men, on the other hand, expect that she will be that same girl. That girl who didn't care if he went out with his buddies because they'd catch up later. That girl who didn't care if he wore pants with wrinkles in them. That girl who would "surprise him" while he was driving to dinner. That girl who was fun to be around, who didn't care if he wanted to do his own thing, who didn't really make a big deal about anything except spending time together once in a while.

And what happened?

He turned into the guy who stopped trying. Who was unwilling to go the extra mile. The guy who would rather watch TV than give his wife a massage. She turned into the girl who now, instead of saying, "I'll see you later" said, "You better see me now or else there won't be a later." That funky spontaneity was gone, and everything turned all serious!

Why?

Well, short answer is you went from "dating" (and trying to impress upon each other 100% of your good qualities and mutual interests) to "cohabitating" (living together and sharing every single little itty bitty piece and intricate detail of your entire life) and now there's no more room for 100% to be good. Bad things are a part of life, and they have to be dealt with together.

It's hard to do. Especially in cases like ours where you take two adult people who are accustomed to living totally separate lives and then try to mesh them into one, and do it in a hurry. Usually the cohabitating stage can be prolonged before marriage and serious relationships develop over time. She leaves a toothbrush. He has a drawer. She stays over more and more. Then they decide to be together forever. In our cases, we jump in head first then have to sort out who gets which drawer and where our toothbrushes go.

And it's an ongoing process. My wife and I celebrated our second anniversary with a nice dinner and toasted to getting divorced. We seriously were at that point where we just could not stand each other anymore and both of us were ready to throw in the towel. We actually sat there and told each other how pissed off we'd become and then drank to getting it over with. The weird thing is, that was kind of a release for both of us. Once we took that stress off each other, and started doing our own thing, it started working out pretty good. Right now, she's in Florida with a buddy of hers and I'm here at home. Why? Because that's what she wanted to do and I'm glad she's doing something to make herself happy. When she makes herself hapy... I DON'T HAVE TO!!!! When the obligation is gone, and you're free to enjoy yourself, it's a lot more fun to enjoy together.

Men and women are different. The person you married isn't exactly who you thought they'd be, but you do like each other. If you take the stress off of trying to make it work, and just let it naturally work itself out, it will. There are going to be rough spots and things that don't seem all that great, but if you do your own thing and make yourself happy through them, then your partner is free to do so as well. You can't make your partner happy when you're not happy yourself. And really, it's not your job to make your partner happy, it's their job to be happy together with you. If they're not, you can work on it together, but really, it's up to them. Trying to "make them happy" will not only NOT make them happy, but it won't make you happy either. Make yourself happy, and your partner will most likely be happier with you having done so.

There's an interesting video out there, maybe you should watch it. The guy pretty much sums up the interesting dynamic of the difference between what's going on in our brains. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMZ73mT5zM Watch that video, and see if what's going on in your relationship is really as serious as you think it may be. Or is he just in his "nothing box?"

Keep the stories coming, keep posting them, and everyone, come on! Don't make VJ just about paperwork. The most important part of our Journeys is after the visa!

[chili74 0]

Great message, Slim. I'm glad you and your wife talked about the possibility of divorce (not making it a taboo, actually seeing if it felt right), but ultimately decided to stay together. That is awesome. I totally agree that when each person does things that make him/her happy, the relationship benefits from that.

I think people can benefit by reading this thread, Kotenochek, so good for you for being so brave as to put it out there. In my case, as most of you know, we were lucky, in that we had the chance to live together in his city and have that trial cohabitation period for a year, plus, cohabitating before the wedding in the US. But there is no reason why that should be the only successful model.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Wow Slim! What a great post. Talk about being honest with yourself and your wife. It sounds like it took a while but eventually you found what worked for the both of you.

Mark Gungor's nothing box is such a great way to put things. Sometimes men think about nothing -- and ladies remember this key thing, MEN ENJOY THINKING ABOUT NOTHING. Thinking about nothing is good!

[chili74 0]

Don't worry- we women like to think about nothing too!

[bobb 0]

Maybe the single most important attribute to a successful marriage is communication, no...COMMUNICATION. When one or both parties stop talking, and/or the other party stops answering, or does not answer truthfully, troubles are not far behind.

In many of these marriages the man was able to see the woman in her everyday life, but the woman is usually not able to see the man in everyday activities until she arrived in the U.S. Then when the woman arrived some men can felt like the hard work is over and he can just go back to how his life was before, with a slight difference. Some do not fully understand this is when the real work begins.

Or some went overboard when wooing. By this I mean they went so far over and above what they would do after, it was not really a truthful presentation of who they were.

Kotenochek - I hope things improve.

Edited May 8, 2009 by bobb