Very poor communication

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Reading your post reminded me of two things:

First, communication is a two way street. You can only expect to get open & honest communication when you are offering it.

Second, there are many cultural differences between US & PH.

My wifie is PH and even though she is still over there we often encounter the differences.

A really good example of this: I got "fixed" (as in no more babies) 1 week after I returned to the US is Feb. We had discussed it for 2 months. I made it very clear to her that I didn't want to take anything away from her and if she wanted for us to have a baby in the future then I was supportive of it. On the other hand, she has a 2yr old son & I have 2 teenage daughters so I don't feel the "need" to have another child. She insisted that it was my choice to which I always responded, "No, it's OUR choice". She agreed and I went through with the procedure. Then 2 days after the operation (while I was still eating advil like it was candy and sitting on frozen peas) she tells me how sad she is that we'll never have "our baby"! It gets better, she admitted to feeling this way the whole time! Now I feel like I just shot the woman I love in the head! She tried to explain that the "filipino way" is to not disagree or put your feelings above someone else's.

I have a friend who is also married to a filipina. I've tried to explain these to him and his response is always "If she loves me then shouldn't she learn how to adjust to my cultural standards?" I always respond to that by pointing out that if he loves her then he shoudl try to adjust her way also and then they would eventually find a happy middle ground.

While you feel you're trying to communicate with him it does seem like you're holding back a lot yourself while trying to get him to make a full disclosure.

Nobody can advise you regarding his relationship to the ex-wife. Some people discover that whey are better friends than spouses and that could be the case here. It's a good sign that she's being friendly to you. Maybe you should try to put your insecurities aside and be her friend for a while. You might see the same qualities in her that he sees as a friend.

I'm not trying to shift any blame here or defend him so please don't take it that way.

Regarding the computer, I have a password on mine and while I was in PH she only used it a few times but not logged in as me. Once she asked me why and I explained that for me the Laptop is a personal refuge where I answer to nobody else. I am not hiding anything on it. I then logged in to my account opened my e-mail client (and provided the required password) and put the laptop in her hands. "If you need to look, go ahead." I told her. She just handed it back to me and said it was enough that I offered but she didn't want to look.

Whenever I feel like something isn't quite right I remind myself of those two things and then ask myself "How am I being in regards to this?".

[AngelSaint 0]

Be honest with what you feel towards him. Talk to him. Maybe you may want both of you to sit down and talk about it. Do not pretend that you feel ok when he talk to his ex. That is something disrespectful and also, if he wanted u to be His wife, he should cut off communications from his past. I tell you, there are many ways that the devil could use to break relationships. Since marriage is ordained and the author of it is God, the devil will always come to separate and destroy it, and in this sense, he might use people (ex wife, ex gf, or anybody), anything, or even your emotions to separate you both. Be very careful..The only thing that will bind relationship and will last forever is by putting GOD in between u and ur husband. As i said, both of u should be honest to each other. Remember this: "What you sow is what you reap." If you sow anger, u will get anger but if you sow love, respect, trust, honesty, you will reap these good things...

You take care. stay healthy..eat fruits and drink fresh juices too. God Bless you!

[T_and_A 3]

Thanks for the comment. I appreciate it. That's why this forum really helps alot.. gets me into perspective and finally i decided to let it all out in the air because i don't have anybody to talk to here.

I completely understand what you were saying about culture differences. I've been warned and warned about that several times by parents and family and I completely accept it. Be it cultural or personal differences may it be, I still couldn't hide the fact that I feel awkward towards his ex-wife. But i just try to deal with it best way I can. I just let him deal with her, as i was saying... im not the one that is in relationship with her ex wife. I do feel sometimes both of them are insensitive. Like when we go out the three of us, im not sure if they are conscious but they would usually have conversations about things they used to do and where they went... and stuff like that. While i on the other hand i just try to ride on... or when i can't take it, i just observe silently. When that happens, i just blame myself for allowing to be in that situation. So that's why for the last month, I finally decided that i can't do it anymore. have stopped entertaining her calls. I've always told my husband he's free to be friends with her but i am hoping that he set boundaries to it. To let her know so she knows what to expect, but i guess he never had the courage to talk to her about it. To give you scenario... this was how it is... her ex wife calls alot.. if not to his celfone to my celfone. When i was first here, she calls even on wee hours of the night. If not, she ims too. she could talk and talk and talk and talk on the phone about what's on tv, hockey is on.. she needs shirt, etc.. sometimes she hints on wanting to spend her off days with us... when my husband would talk to her on the phone, he would just say ok.. ok.. ok... though actually he would like to slam the phone. But still no courage to tell her to stop... and that's what i don't like. But he does nothing about it. And he expects me to understand.

I used to be very secure of myself. When i decided to get married, I only wanted one thing from it - security. More than anything else, i wanted emotional security, the physical things, I can get those for myself. And i told that to my husband.

[rlogan 2,036]

If you are mad, say it and don't pretend you are not. That is one of the traits of Pinays that needs to improve, we sulk when we are angry with something instead of saying it straight to the person involved. Not to sound offensive but you also have communication problems since you can't even tell your husband what you really feel. I guess you two have a lot of things to work out with your communication skills and if this bothers you a lot, you might as well improve it starting with yourself .

One thing I learned being married to an american is to not beat around the bush..just say what you feel, and they will appreciate it more.

Goodluck and I hope things will get better.

Wow. Spot on!

Typical scenario: (sees wife is angry and sulking)

"What's wrong honey?"

"nothing"

"So that's why you are angry and sulking - it's what you do when you are happy and cheerful?"

"Nothing wrong."

(guessing game begins)

"Is it this, is it that, is it the other?"

"maybe"

etc. Sheesh. What is the point of keeping your feelings a secret we have to drag out of you?

We are not mind readers. You have to be blunt. "I am upset because you are on your computer looking at pictures of gay animal porn." (or whatever).

Saying so will end it. Being secretly angry and sulking will make him upset - which is unconsciously what is actually going on (I am upset and so I want to make you upset too)

Instead, give him a chance to be a good husband to you by telling him EXACTLY what you are thinking instead of making both of you miserable.

Mutual assured happiness vs Mutual assured misery.

[T_and_A 3]

lol... dead spot on...

come to think of it... why is it very typical of us Filipinas? I don't remember being reared like that but i guess it's just natural.. maybe because we were used to keeping thoughts to ourselves, lest we hurt other people's feelings? and usually bad to everyone's eyes if you are the offender or if you hurt other people's feelings, even if it was accounted for... hahahah... or maybe we don't want our whims and complaints and genuine feelings used against us when you let it all out in the open? Maybe its a defense mechanism?

I will try to bring out more of my feelings to my husband... not just the mushy good stuff,also the bad. From this forum, I see at least a good perspective... I realize at least i owe that to him, to myself, and to everyone here in VJ.. for giving the time to give a piece of their thoughts.

hmmmm... communication problem is not only with Filipinas... it can happen to anyone...

If you are mad, say it and don't pretend you are not. That is one of the traits of Pinays that needs to improve, we sulk when we are angry with something instead of saying it straight to the person involved. Not to sound offensive but you also have communication problems since you can't even tell your husband what you really feel. I guess you two have a lot of things to work out with your communication skills and if this bothers you a lot, you might as well improve it starting with yourself .

One thing I learned being married to an american is to not beat around the bush..just say what you feel, and they will appreciate it more.

Goodluck and I hope things will get better.

Wow. Spot on!

Typical scenario: (sees wife is angry and sulking)

"What's wrong honey?"

"nothing"

"So that's why you are angry and sulking - it's what you do when you are happy and cheerful?"

"Nothing wrong."

(guessing game begins)

"Is it this, is it that, is it the other?"

"maybe"

etc. Sheesh. What is the point of keeping your feelings a secret we have to drag out of you?

We are not mind readers. You have to be blunt. "I am upset because you are on your computer looking at pictures of gay animal porn." (or whatever).

Saying so will end it. Being secretly angry and sulking will make him upset - which is unconsciously what is actually going on (I am upset and so I want to make you upset too)

Instead, give him a chance to be a good husband to you by telling him EXACTLY what you are thinking instead of making both of you miserable.

Mutual assured happiness vs Mutual assured misery.

[AFZ212 0]

Hi/

I think U need to talk to him and explain how do U feel by doing so U will help yourself and the Baby...It can cause problems during labor and it could put the baby under depression. Once U married everything become one no secrets,talk to him explain to him as a partner give some respect.Also seem like U guys spend alot of time together its good but also can be bad, cuz sometimes U need ur own time. try to make friends at your job...or call your family and talk to em U need someone to talk to Female friends or ur family member...He's wrong for doing that especially when u pregnant ....simple my advice to U is talk to him in a respective way ask him whats going on and ask him what can u do for him to appreciate U...BY the way My wife she's pregnant now so I know how U feel...U need him more right now...

I'll put U in my nite prayers...

tcare...

AFZ212

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

come to think of it... why is it very typical of us Filipinas? I don't remember being reared like that but i guess it's just natural.. maybe because we were used to keeping thoughts to ourselves, lest we hurt other people's feelings? and usually bad to everyone's eyes if you are the offender or if you hurt other people's feelings, even if it was accounted for... hahahah... or maybe we don't want our whims and complaints and genuine feelings used against us when you let it all out in the open? Maybe its a defense mechanism?

Now please tell me what I can say to my wife so she understands this?

It seems her favorite word is "Nothing". I just want her to understand that as much as I enjoy sharing laughter and the good times with her I want to cry with her when she's sad and understand if I say or do somthing that hurts her feelings.

I've even told her tha she's not allowed to say "nothing" to me anymore.

[jamesNrei 0]

Talk to him. Set a date, time and place where you two can have a heart to heart talk. No computer, no cellphones, no tvs, no work, no anything that will distract both of you from the conversation. Tell him EVERYTHING that has been bothering you. Let it all out, pour your heart out. If you have to list them down then do so. Once he sees how upset you are or sad,and if he truly loves you, he might not tell you what's going on with him (if he is keeping something from you), but this will make him think about everything that he's been doing to you lately. The talk will give him a wake up call. Pray he will be honest with you if not at least for him to realize some of his mistakes, for you to find out your mistakes, and find the best way to resolve your problem. I also suggest talking to one of his family member, mother or any close sibling, and ask things about your husband for you to better understand him.

Good luck!

[T_and_A 3]

Be patient... I guess. I can only talk for myself. But usually when i say "nothing", even though its obvious that something's bothering me, most of the time i say nothing because I'm thinking through it first. Most filipinas say nothing I think because they want to think if what they will say will do good or bad first... We are not used to blurting it out right away... But at least for me, I don't want my husband to just ignore it.... ignore me when i say nothing coz its more annoying. I know it's confusing and crazy, but that's how we are, how we feel and take things. If filipinos to filipinos, they would get it right away that there's something to talk about and saying nothing is just like a reverse psych. So i guess, open up a conversation that will eventually make her feel comfortable to open up to you. At least that's how i imagine it i guess... with me. I know its hard to remain sweet when confused and don't understand it when your partner is "moody", but most of the time Filipinas melt down anyway when their man is still sweet even though having tampo. Or again, at least that's how I want it to be.

come to think of it... why is it very typical of us Filipinas? I don't remember being reared like that but i guess it's just natural.. maybe because we were used to keeping thoughts to ourselves, lest we hurt other people's feelings? and usually bad to everyone's eyes if you are the offender or if you hurt other people's feelings, even if it was accounted for... hahahah... or maybe we don't want our whims and complaints and genuine feelings used against us when you let it all out in the open? Maybe its a defense mechanism?

Now please tell me what I can say to my wife so she understands this?

It seems her favorite word is "Nothing". I just want her to understand that as much as I enjoy sharing laughter and the good times with her I want to cry with her when she's sad and understand if I say or do somthing that hurts her feelings.

I've even told her tha she's not allowed to say "nothing" to me anymore.

[T_and_A 3]

lol... been there done that. I ask his family how he is... i'm even open to his family. When i don't understand him, I call his dad and every time its always a good conversation. I end up feeling good after talking to them... always reassuring. I never once doubted my love for my husband and his love for me. I know deep in my heart he loves me. I love him much. Yes, from how i know of him though, he's the type of person who would not tell you the truth if he knows that it will hurt you. I've seen that with how he dealt with his ex wife from the time since i got here and/or from other relationships he had. I am not sure if he's like that with me. Hard to tell.... but he is a good man... my partner... that's why i love him to death.

Talk to him. Set a date, time and place where you two can have a heart to heart talk. No computer, no cellphones, no tvs, no work, no anything that will distract both of you from the conversation. Tell him EVERYTHING that has been bothering you. Let it all out, pour your heart out. If you have to list them down then do so. Once he sees how upset you are or sad,and if he truly loves you, he might not tell you what's going on with him (if he is keeping something from you), but this will make him think about everything that he's been doing to you lately. The talk will give him a wake up call. Pray he will be honest with you if not at least for him to realize some of his mistakes, for you to find out your mistakes, and find the best way to resolve your problem. I also suggest talking to one of his family member, mother or any close sibling, and ask things about your husband for you to better understand him.

Good luck!

[flicker 5]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

[Kiv 32]

If the ex and your husband do not have kids, then just tell him you don't like to be friends with her and you don't like him to be friends with her. It is very simple. He can like it or not. You will be a victim only if you let it happen. I don't fight much with my husband, but I think I choose my battles, if I were in your situation I will fight that one for sure.

[Jov_mar 0]

My advice T and A is that

Be honest and true to yourself...If you can do that you can be true to your husband or other people too..Have a good communication with your husband..let him know what you really feel.if you are mad,jealous, hurt that his talking to his ex-wife let him know...Remember he asked you if you get hurt when he answer the phone when his ex-wife calling to him? i think that's the perfect time to tell him that Yes im hurt..Don't pretend that your okay while your definitely not and in that your husband then will minimize of talking to his ex knowing that you got hurt..direct to the point while talking to him about this matter...Every relationship must learn how share things,no secrets, you are not two people now or stranger in each other's life...You are married meaning you are the called ONE..Don't hesitate to express what you really feel....And be safe and take good care of your health knowing that your pregnant....And dont forget to pray...He always up there ready to listen and to help..Just ask Him and you will find the answer...

I will give you a quote and hope you will realize..." IT'S FUN BEING A STRONG PERSON..YOU FEEL INVINCIBLE,LIKE YOU CAN FACE ANYTHING THAT COMES YOUR WAY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS BEING ONE? IT'S WHEN PEOPLE HAVING FUN HURTING YOU KNOWING YOU ARE A STRONG ONE"..

That's all...Hope it will help...

God Bless and Good lcuk...

Edited April 21, 2009 by Jov_mar

[rlogan 2,036]

Be patient... I guess. I can only talk for myself. But usually when i say "nothing", even though its obvious that something's bothering me, most of the time i say nothing because I'm thinking through it first.

I think you've shown a very good attitude about what people have told you. Here is a place to improve now. I mean all this in kindness. "Nothing" is the wrong answer when you are thinking through something.

The answer is "I am thinking through something..." That is what you tell him. Regardless of whether it has come to resolution in your mind, there is a subject matter that you know very well you are thinking about - and your husband has every right to start getting upset because when you say "nothing" it is not the truth. Tell him the subject.

Now, we can play the "code speak" game where we spin things by saying well, "nothing" means "nothing so important" or "nothing I want to trouble you with", etc. but those are not true either - because if it is really nothing imporant then why make it so painful to find out what it is.

It is exasperating to be really genuinely concerned about how someone feels, and have them refuse to tell you because "I don't want to trouble you". Because that answer is a bald-faced lie. I mean this sincerely and without malice. You really DO want to trouble them. It's the whole point. What could be more exasperating than a woman making trouble while claiming the trouble she is causing is so that you avoid trouble.

You really have to key in here on this: you are lying. It is a universal human trait to get upset when people lie to you. It may not be explicitly conscious on your part "I will lie to get his emotions up" - but I will go to my grave standing on this insight about why women do this.

It isn't necessarily anger you are after - just elevated emotions like you are feeling yourself. Break free from that.

The cultural excuse works once. The moment the man says that the response "nothing" is upsetting him then you can't use the cultural excuse. Now you are choosing to insult him in the face of his explicit and sincere request to communicate honestly. Because he cares for you.

Instead of doing that for your husband out of reciprocal love, he gets this "I'm going to be difficult because that is how I show how I am putting you first" gobbledygook.

Most filipinas say nothing I think because they want to think if what they will say will do good or bad first... We are not used to blurting it out right away... But at least for me, I don't want my husband to just ignore it.... ignore me when i say nothing coz its more annoying. I know it's confusing and crazy, but that's how we are, how we feel and take things. If filipinos to filipinos, they would get it right away that there's something to talk about and saying nothing is just like a reverse psych. So i guess, open up a conversation that will eventually make her feel comfortable to open up to you. At least that's how i imagine it i guess... with me. I know its hard to remain sweet when confused and don't understand it when your partner is "moody", but most of the time Filipinas melt down anyway when their man is still sweet even though having tampo. Or again, at least that's how I want it to be.

Believe me I understand exactly what is going on. It isn't confusing or crazy - and it also is not limited at all to Pinays. It is a female trait, and more particular to younger ones.

What you are after is an emotional reaction. "Nothing" is an answer that is not true and therefore elicits frustration.

If he shows sufficient emotional reaction you will tell him. If he ignores you then you graduate to more dirty and underhanded things that you know are really going to piss him off: "I am jealous of your computer so I am making dinner late..." etc.

You don't need an emotional reaction out of other people so you can just tell them straight out. "Communicating" with your husband by manipulating emotions is dangerous. Because you get into retaliation, counter-retaliation, and finally divorce.

I realize that the cover story is that you need to get "comfortable", and that is why you are lying. That it may sound confusing and crazy to piss people off in order to calm things down. That's right. It is crazy. And it makes no sense at all. What makes sense is that the emotional reaction you get is the one you intended. You are emotional so you want him to be, and the way to do it is by being frustrating, crazy, and confusing.

A woman who is older has learned that this business of manipulating emotions can backfire, so she is more careful about deploying it. The husband might not show the emotions she wants - to press her, beg her, in anguish "please please tell me..." Instead he might get pissed off and walk out the door, get drunk, and spend the grocery money on whores.

So if all the older woman wants is the emotional reaction and does not care about the consequences then she'll act like a teenager. But when she wants to get a clear message through she'll spit it right out.

Now for a 50 year old man like me, married to a 20 year old Filipina I have enough experience to know exactly what she is doing to me with "nothing". So I can explain carefully to her and patiently everything I have said here. It may still take some time to coax out of her what is on her mind, but at least I can call her bullshit for what it is, and I am not so frustrated.

See how you are lying to me? You want me to get upset. Well, I am not going to do that. You need to think about whether getting me upset is going to end up with the result you want in the end, or whether it will ruin the day for both of us. See how the sun is shining? Such a beautiful day. We can enjoy this day together and be happy, or we can have a fight. It's entirely up to you honey. Your choice. I love you very much and you are completely full of ######.

cheers

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

See how you are lying to me? You want me to get upset. Well, I am not going to do that. You need to think about whether getting me upset is going to end up with the result you want in the end, or whether it will ruin the day for both of us. See how the sun is shining? Such a beautiful day. We can enjoy this day together and be happy, or we can have a fight. It's entirely up to you honey. Your choice. I love you very much and you are completely full of ######.

Wow, that was the most perfect description of the issue I have ever seen! Thanks, I send this post to my Wife, have talked about it and will probably have a few more conversations on this topic.

Thank you for such a great expression of this.