Very poor communication

[Raeka 0]

Hahahaha!

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

[rlogan 2,036]

See how you are lying to me? You want me to get upset. Well, I am not going to do that. You need to think about whether getting me upset is going to end up with the result you want in the end, or whether it will ruin the day for both of us. See how the sun is shining? Such a beautiful day. We can enjoy this day together and be happy, or we can have a fight. It's entirely up to you honey. Your choice. I love you very much and you are completely full of ######.

Wow, that was the most perfect description of the issue I have ever seen! Thanks, I send this post to my Wife, have talked about it and will probably have a few more conversations on this topic.

Thank you for such a great expression of this.

You are welcome. It has worked many times for me.

The first was on the streets of Iligan City, Philippines. She got angry with me and disappeared into the crowd while my back was turned. It was a childish stunt to piss me off, and of course I was frustrated trying to find her, and people were looking because I am the only Americano and something is obviously wrong.

When I finally saw her I went to her very calmly and gently, telling her how much I loved her and that I understood her feelings. That she was upset with me. But that we could decide right there for her to voice that frustration with me so that I could understand it better and try to be a good husband to her - or we could make war and have a big scene that would be repeated by word of mouth all over the marketplace in front of this crowd. That this very moment was something that would establish how the rest of our relationship was going to fare.

Once she said it: "I am angry with you"... it was over. Notice how T_and_A says she has things inside her that want to explode. Exactly. Because she is keeping them in.

We were walking hand-in-hand laughing just moments after I got her to utter "I am angry with you". And we've never forgotten that moment as a guide to our interactions.

I sure understand your request to her that she is not allowed to say "nothing". The trick is how to do it in a way that convinces her to work as a team instead of being enemies. When you start manipulating feelings you are not working as a team. Now they are the "other side". You don't make plays against your own team. You huddle up and call plays against the rest of the world. So you have to get them thinking straight again that you are not the enemy.

The best way I manage that is by trying to voice what I think, to the best of my ability, her feelings are. Validate them. Yes honey. I spend too much time on the computer. I can see how that would make you feel less loved. In plain guy-speak you can't fu** a computer. So you better drop the damned thing and start giving your wife the attention she deserves. She is here in a foreign country, left her family and friends, and is stuck with this fat old man who wants to make love to his computer.

It is an interesting chess game with a young wife, especially a Filipina, and we can use our life experience and knowledge of their culture for either good or for evil.

These girls are the most wonderful on earth in my opinion and are deserving of our respect and admiriation. Do everything you can to preserve their dignity and honor. To nurture and encourage rather than order around and manipulate nefariously.

They are exceptionally jealous, but don't use that against them (eg all my girlfriends let me read gay porn so you should too). Instead, give them unbounded security that there is no other woman you would ever look at. Do NOT check out the butt of that hot little waitress. You look your Filipina wife straight in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is. What waitress. Etc.

I keep telling her that there will come a time when I will have run out of patience. It will be me who snaps. I will be the one who needs patience and understanding. I will not be communicating effectively. I will make mistakes.

Hopefully you will have logged enough trust that when the time comes she will pull for you too.

[T_and_A 3]

really admirable... that's why i like matured man because of things like this...

[tallcoolone 102]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

Yea, So Do I

[angela920 0]

sorry guys... This may be long... its just that this is my only way that i can bring my feelings out... with someone actually listening.. to true genuine feelings. I really need help thru good and sound advice. U need not read the entire thing but just read the last paragraph where I ask my questions and where i need help on... but to understand where im coming from, you can read on. I appreciate all comments in advance.

May 20 - almost midnight...

I was actually awakened by a very bad dream - I felt it was so real, and I woke up to myself. found my husband still awake on the edge of the bed - doing something in his computer. I tried to calm myself down and rolled on the bed... tried hard to go back to sleep. Tried harder - I couldn't. I was feeling so bothered, since pregnant, I've been getting bad heartburn, everyday worse <that's why i always have antacid handy>, so I decided to get up and get a cold water for a drink. Still i couldn't go back to sleep. I wanted it all out. And so I thought about blogging it or post it here in VJ. I decided the latter since I could use a really good advice.

This is actually our 11th monthsary... yay! I am happy. I love my husband a whole lot, I have even convinced myself I love him more than i love myself...yeah. I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him. I guess... just a guess.. this may be where my problem started in the first place...

...back to my dream. I dreamed that I woke up the same night, the same scenario, my husband was there on the edge of the bed, still on his computer. It's 11 pm.. I woke up asking him why he's still awake, what he's doing on his computer that is much important than taking a good night's sleep... no answer. He just sat there and continued with what he was doing... so i got up and tried to peek on his computer. and then he locked it. CTRL ALT DEL. I got so mad. I was so mad, I was crying... and there was a big fight. That's when I woke up..

Reality... Had a usual day... though for me... secretly i was wanting something special to happen, something sweet on this day.. after all, this is our monthsary. He drops me off and picks me up from work but today, he asked me if somehow I could manage to have coworker drop me off at Ross and so he can just pick me up there since his boss is in town and he may not be able to leave work as expected. Fair enough. I managed. I failed my first driving test..and now I only carry a learner's permit. But since my husband is the only one i have here, there's really nobody to rely on. I don't have friends yet that I can consider really friends. I hate being in that situation. Not having friends and not able to drive. Most of it i blame myself especially for failing that drive test <this is actually a different story - funny and disappointing at the same time>. With making friends, I don't think I have problems with people. I actually make friends easily in the Philippines. But here, maybe because my world revolves around my husband like to things together all the time. He drives all the time, whenever, wherever we want to go when we are not working.

Anyway, back to today... on the way home from work, he was really saying he's tired. And I can tell he is tired. I was tired too. From all day's work and having to walk and walk window shopping, while waiting for my husband... to kill the time, carrying my handbag and a big baby in my tummy. We decided to eat out to treat ourselves since its our monthsary anyway and he said he's hungry and Im starting to get hungry too, we couldn't wait long enough to get home and make dinner. And so we did. We did our usual dinner, but as we were eating, there's not much words spoken. I tried to ask him how his day was.. do you love me.. and ask him why his eyes are almost teary and or sparkly.. but not much reply there. I felt disconnected. I have always wanted someone to share how my day was and my partner doing the same thing with me. I have always wanted to make memories, good conversation... just sharing those with someone I thought would be my husband. But i thought i'll just leave it at that... maybe he's just tired.. On the way home, while in the car, still the same thing not much words exchanged. Just sit there in silence... deafening silence. I just tried to close my eyes. And then his phone rang, he answered it - was his ex-wife, as usual. They chatted on the phone for a few minutes. He was giving her advice, where she can go to get some cheap clothes I think (the ex wife left me a message on my celfone earlier that day telling that she needs an oxford shirt, I didn't bother answering anymore. Since about a month ago, I just decided that i don't really want to be friends with her, I tried it but it's so not working for me. I only end up hurting myself more from it.. deep inside. so I just distance myself from that from now on. Try to get myself out of that situation. <this is one major big problem for me too but that's another story I might post here in VJ next time soon since i'm running out of ways to keep it to myself> After he hung up he asked me while trying to rub my hands "are you mad at me for answering the phone?".. I feel at the time, pissed but that scenario is almost always the case...nothing new there, been like that since I got here so i just replied i am not mad at you... there's nothing much I can do about it. And he took his hands away from me and again... the continued silence. I calmed down a bit. I told him "I am not mad at you... It's just that I hate that I'm in this situation. I can't do anything about it. As much as i would like to not want to be in it... that's not really reality... I guess it's just too much to ask not to talk to your ex wife, so sometimes to deal with it I just shut myself down so I don't feel as sad", coz for all the time since I came here, it never really happened even if i do sommersault its really not up to me reality is i have to face and deal with it every day. It's not really up to me. I am not the one in a relationship with his ex wife. and then again...<the one in quote i voiced out, the rest silently in my thoughts> continued silence until we got home. I walked my 2 doggies, that's also most of the time my outlet to my disappointments and frustrations here in US...brings me some joy, always put a smile on my face, makes me forget about it... my two doggies while he... as usual, gets to his computer... doing whatever... he said he's playing his game but i feel like he's doing more. I just tried to watch tv until I fell asleep around 930 pm... with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me>and woke up almost midnight..

Basically, I needed advice on what to do to get my husband to talk to me more... have an open communication with the most important man in my life. We promised each other that even before we got married but i guess it's not happening. I feel like he's so far out there, like climbing a wall just to get to his thoughts...I believe he loves me.. and at first I thought and tried accepting maybe it's just his personality. But I need him to understand that I need that too... I need to connect with him to feel satisfaction out of this marriage. Am i asking too much? OUr communication is so poor. I want to try reaching out more and I just feel like im shut down. with other thoughts running in my head... like what is he doing on his computer? <whenever i would try to peek, he would close the lid of his laptop and lately, he put a password in it so i couldn't get in, i asked why... he said with a loving smile... just to torment you... i just tried to laugh it out, thought it was funny though a part of me is shouting he doesn't trust me.. again.. i just feel shut down and closed from his world. I don't care if he may be watching some nasty things on there... I understand the fact that man will be man... I understand privacy and I respect that a lot. What I don't understand is the way he acts when he tries to close his computer whenever I would want to take a peek. When he wakes up in the morning and looks at it and i come close, and i could almost see his windows, he would ask me to get him coffee or water or anything to get me out of the room and close his windows down... he would only say with a smile... just to torment you...

there.. i think at least i have let go of a third of my worst frustrations in this marriage.... i can go back to sleep now... still have to wake up at 5 to get to daily routine needs in the morning.....

What the hell was that Ex-wife calling your husband to get advice where to get cheap clothes?! that is SO not right! damn! I would be furious if I were you. Girl.. save something for yourself ok? don't give it all to him. Maybe he is thinking (this is just my opinion and i dont know him to judge) that you love him so much and its ok to do anything he wants. Don't look desperate for attention in front of him and see how he reacts. Do the same thing hes doing to you. (i know its not a good advice but trust me, you will feel better then mourn afterwards if you are that kind of person whos into revenge.. but in the end would say "i didn't mean it")

Yes.. i understand the privacy issue. He wants his privacy fine. So you want yours too. Had the same issue with my husband but he changed and said that Its not right to keep secrets from me.. not even his damn yahoo messenger/email password. Name it.. I know it all.. from his SSN, credit cards, email log in etc.. etc... and he knows all of mine too. My husband is sneaky and sometimes say things like "yea i like to make you curious" but your husband words is "TORMENT" which is not good. My husband knows that I am sensitive and likes to talk.

Say when your husband say "to torment you" try this respond: "Is this how you should treat your lovely wife?" and ask what is he hiding? IT is very rude of him to just ask you and get him some coffee, water.. whatever just to bust your #### out of the room. You are not his servant!

ONE THING....

you have the right to know EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING about him! no matter how much it hurts. SO Please! Be strong for yourself and for your baby. You are the wife and you have the right to shove off the ex-wife. Do they have child? If not... ####### is the communication for?! My husband has a daughter with her so they just talk about her and what to do with her. No more no less. He knows more than that means argument. Well... He hates his ex-wife anyway. It's also a good thing they dont have spousal support. Does your husband have spousal support on her? ASk him.

Be a strong woman. Don't ever let somebody bring you down and use your weakness to hurt you!

[T_and_A 3]

you have the right to know EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING about him! no matter how much it hurts. SO Please! Be strong for yourself and for your baby. You are the wife and you have the right to shove off the ex-wife. Do they have child? If not... ####### is the communication for?! My husband has a daughter with her so they just talk about her and what to do with her. No more no less. He knows more than that means argument. Well... He hates his ex-wife anyway. It's also a good thing they dont have spousal support. Does your husband have spousal support on her? ASk him. - My husband paid alimony for dog support voluntarily- his name is Frosty. When I arrived here in US, ex wife went to HI for a vacation and left Frosty with my husband. Ex-wife never took Frosty back. Either husband takes it or if not, she will give him away. In those two weeks that I spent with that dog, I learned how to love and adore him and i couldn't bear to see him off with another owner. So i just agreed to take care of him. So now, we have two dogs.It was hard for me at first since they are big dogs. but heck, they are so sweet, kept me company during those times that i wasn't working yet. Ex-wife still receives the alimony supposedly for Frosty until it expires the terms. Sometimes, she asks if Frosty can stay with her for a few days. He's an oldie dog, very smart and i love him much and he's in love with me too.

[Ban Hammer 12,867]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

Yea, So Do I

still no answers either.

[T_and_A 3]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

Yea, So Do I

still no answers either.

why do you wanna know? hahahah...

[Ban Hammer 12,867]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

Yea, So Do I

still no answers either.

why do you wanna know? hahahah...

because i've got quite an imagination

[tallcoolone 102]

Here you go Charles.

A Classic

[sasha414 0]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

Yea, So Do I

still no answers either.

why do you wanna know? hahahah...

because i've got quite an imagination

count me in i wanna know too

[MMW 2]

Well, I will try to help here. First of all communication is a 2- way street. If you are mad say you are mad and if you don't like the "torment"tell him so. Also remember that being pregnant brings chemical changes to your body. Hormones are in chaos and your emotions will be heightened to the point that you will over react to things. This is not to say you are the cause of the problem, I am just trying to get you to see your part of the equation. My wife has the same type of concerns when her and I discuss my EX. She says she is not mad or bothered but her actions show a different story and we have great communication, talking all things. As far as the computer goes with your Bana you have the right to lay ground rules for his using it. It is a matter of respect. And to just reply that he likes tormenting you is unacceptable in any terms. My gosh if i said that to my wife i would be afraid of waking with body parts removed! hehe just kidding (not really) we all know pinays. But what it sounds to me like is that you 2 have not set boundaries in the relationship. You can't expect good communications when you have not even set the norms of the relationship. I would start by putting your boundaries in place for him (in a respectful but serious way). Let him know you have expectations and ask also what his are and start the long term relationship with clearly defined boundaries, goals and expectations established. Good communication needs to be structured and since you seem to be the one wanting to take the lead in it then do it. Talk with him, pray together, make time for each other that doesn't allow distractions (computer, tv, texting, etc.). And don't expect too much change fast but stay committed to it, holding the boundaries you set. Best of luck to you on this issue and keep the faith. You said you love your bana that much so fight for the kind of marriage you want. As for the ex, you can't expect her to be totally out of his life, that is not reality. At some point in the past he had a relationship with her, that you will have to come to accept or it will drive you crazy. But having said that you do have a say in what the relationship is like now with her for him. Again it is an issue of establishing those boundries.

[Tsup2 0]

Your husband needs to end the relationship with the ex-wife since they have no kids.

[T_and_A 3]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

Yea, So Do I

still no answers either.

why do you wanna know? hahahah...

because i've got quite an imagination

count me in i wanna know too

I'll leave it all to your imagination then... hehehe....

[Ban Hammer 12,867]

I have done things I have never done and/or never willing to do before when i was single that I am doing right now not because my husband asks of it but because i wanted to make him happy and please him.

i still wanna hear more about this.

Yea, So Do I

still no answers either.

why do you wanna know? hahahah...

because i've got quite an imagination

count me in i wanna know too

I'll leave it all to your imagination then... hehehe....

teaser