love-marriage-divorce-hate

[Wantedtobelieve 4]

funny how things turn out.

4 years of online flirting, thinking he was the one, staying up late every night and rushing home from work to see him waking up, as he put it, he wants me to be the first thing he sees in a morning and the last thing at night...lmao...ok...how pathetic and stupid i feel for falling for an online relationship! i gave up everything in my world (uk) to be with him and his kids, we marry, not quite our first anniversary yet, i honestly thought i had found the man of my dreams! it seems all he wants is an employee, a cook and cleaner, nanny type person to look after his kids who are little devilish teenagers who just know how to twist their daddy round their finger and wind up the evil step mom! 40 years old and never married, never found the right guy, no, im not too picky and have exceptional demands, just guys i get seem to turn lazy or unfaithful, and the trust goes out the window! no i wasn't scared of being left on the shelf, i believe that went out in the 70s! i had a good job and life in england, i paid my bills and looked after my world and had no cause for complaint,

but now...

i cant believe my life has come to this! friends who know us online, if you can really know anyone online, are now telling me that his ex and him were talking (she also sent me emails they had been sending to each other) and the reason why he wanted me here is because he didn't really want me to be his wife but more in the lines of cook/cleaner and she was supposed to have told him not to do it, but still he went ahead and did it. she would never move in with him so he got rid of her and found someone else to do his 'dirty work'

he has had foreign nannies for years and i guess this is what spoilt the kids, they did everything.

on a number of occasions he has said to me he isn't 'talking to me as an employer but in his experience this is how this gets done', or 'this is one of your jobs' one minute i am to be the parent figure and the next i am not to be involved. the kids push passed me, nearly knocking me on my a*se, they kick me under the table if i am talking to my husband, they are rude and have no manners, dirty and lazy and nothing i can do or say will change this, they have no clue (or seem not to) about how anything in the house works and are not prepared to learn, i have tried to teach them some responsibility for their things and they just don't care to learn, the 'things' they have you wouldn't believe, like i said, they are spoilt. when i tell my husband of this, and occasionally he sees for himself, it is my fault, i was being kicked because i was ignoring her etc

i really thought my life was sorted and i was going to be happy for the rest of it, but if i look at it from both aspects the wife and the employee, i am not happy as either! as the wife i get no respect, no privacy (they will knock on each others bedroom door and wait to be asked in, but our bedroom they just walk in, even if the door is closed) the whole house is an extension of their bedrooms, and its a big house! they throw the food at the wall when scraping it from the plates to the bin, they tread food into the carpets, they basically wont do anything i ask unless i ask a million times and they see me getting annoyed, dad asks and its immediate, they have made it clear they don't want me here by spitting in my tea and hiding things which i use, they have bitched me to their friends parents and everywhere i go where they are i am basically ignored and not one of them has spoken to me, its like instant dislike and i don't get it. all i have tried to do is get the kids to respect their world and what they have and try and show them things my mum showed me, Ive not tried to pressure them, except to give them a few small chores a few months after i arrived because they basically sit on their ar*s after trashing the house, chores being really nothing much, a lot less than what i was doing when i was younger than they are now! things like taking the recycling out or feeding the dog (which i get: 'its not my dog' thrown in my face!) it takes them a day to clean their rooms and a minute to trash it again, which they take pleasure in after Ive looked at it tidy...if i go back in the room minutes later its like its not been touched.

ok, enough of the kids (but still on the wife aspect)

my husband looks at me like im dirt, he never talks to me, he blames me for everything that breaks, even if i never touch it, he makes me feel like i am not here as the wife, he never touches me, Ive not had a kiss for ages and a cuddle for even longer, he wont just come up to me and kiss me Ive to take kisses and when i do its like im kissing a brother or something, ive given up trying, he has no feelings for me and it is obvious, in the bedroom he complains i don't initiate sex, but yet when i do he rejects me and well...there is only so much rejection one can take! his family have no knowledge of the UK and think i lived in a field in a cottage with no one round for miles, just me and my dog, and they really don't care to know anything about where i am from, i get told off for comparing things in the uk to the usa, im told to look out of the window! i am expected to forget my life before January 2008, it never existed. i am proud i am British and well, i just cant forget the fact i lived there for nigh on 40 years! the comparisons started as a bit of a joke, like chips, fries, crisps and vest, waistcoat, tank top, that kind of thing, now my rare comparisons are not allowed, even though most of the time i am trying to work out what they are talking about...he thinks i am stupid, Ive been no where and done nothing and the funny thing is...he knows what Ive done and where Ive been but...im still thick! he thinks i have amnesia and i forget things he says to me or i say to him, and when i correct him i am wrong! if this is how wives are to be treated...it sucks.

from the employee point of view, every job i have ever had i have done it for job satisfaction not the pay packet, if i don't like my work i walk and move onto something else, this has lead to a checkered work history but has made me capable of doing a lot of things, any job i have had for any length of time i have enjoyed and i am proud of that fact, ok, i don't have degrees coming out of my ears or the budging bank account but hey, im educated in life and its only money you cant take it with you! had i come here for employment reasons i would have my green card already, but i don't and i didn't come here for a green card i came here for my new family, if i were the employee i would have most definitely walked by now, the way they all treat their house and grounds is beyond a joke. and if i were the employee, where is my pay packet?

from both sides, wife and employee, i had no money before i came here, ok, and i still don't have any money, but then he probably sees it as i get bed and board i should be happy and grateful! trying to get money out of my husband so i can do the food shopping is hard enough. anything extra is a bonus...but i have to spend it on the kids, if i buy anything for myself i get bitched...so i don't.

i have been dealt some hands in my life and i honestly thought i had 3 aces but instead i got jokers and all they have done is mess my life up and that counts for nothing!

i stood up to my husband and his kids and he didn't like it, and now i have ruined my life, i gave up my world for this? again - it sucks. why i am writing this is because i need to know what i have to do to sort this - i am passed caring about the marriage, the life here - i worked at it, i tried my hardest, we just both have different ideals on what marriage is or what a wife is - we've had a million arguments and nothing gets resolved and we always argue about the kids, but the kids never do anything wrong.

so, i am heading home, dog in hand. but are there things i need to sort? obviously i am married and i have his name, do i have to ditch it? (my maiden name sucked and after all the ####### i think i am entitled to at least his name, i might not like the guy very much but i still love him! the feeling isn't mutual though) it is inevitable that divorce will come, when he eventually gets off his a*se and sorts it, i don't want any claim on what he has, im not in it for that, i just want to go home and find a field to restart my pathetic little life! but i have no money and no way of getting any, i have told him it would cost about $5000 to send me home, dog is big and can only go to machester or london, and my things need returning also, good job they never got unpacked after a year!!! out of the $5000 there will be about $600 left for myself to sort out a few things to get me started again. the way i see it is he got me here under false pretences...and he really doesnt give a ####### that it has come to this. i told him last week i was leaving and not a word has been said since, this tells me he just doesnt care anyway so whats the point in trying anymore??

am i being unreasonable with this amount? i have no family who will help and he promised me that if it went wrong then he would help me get home and well...he is good for it, but i feel i am asking too much.

obviously there is more to this than i have written, i dont think anyone wants day by day break down of events and ive tried to be as informative on my situation as possible without slagging off my other half and his kids too much.

is there anything else i need to do, do i need to inform anyone? do i need a lawyer?

i just want to go home.

WOW!!! What a jerk!!! It sounds like he thought you were just going to be the maid. Find a way to put back some money, or work on the side. Save some and then hit the road. This is the exact reason I would NEVER marry anybody who still had kids at home, much less teens. I feel really bad for you and your dog. This is really unbelievable. Did he act all lovey-dovey during the 4 years before you came here? Did he visit you in the UK and act "normal"? This is exactly why in the movie "Must Love Dogs" I can totally identify when Diane Ladd says to the a##hole in the movie, "I hate guys like you!!!" There are just way too many of them. I wish you love and peace.

Hi--Here is another idea. YOU go get a job, and let HIM hire a maid. You are truly in a losing situation right now. As a long-time teacher, I have seen this over and over, also with friends, etc. Your hubby has already set the rules and you aren't a part of them. It is obvious that there are NO rules in that house. He wants to be their friend, and obviously he was using the nanny before you to be the "Bad Guy." Then he can whine like they do, "Hey, I didn't do it, somebody else did." You both need to go to a counselor who will be a neutral party, but it doesn't sound too much like he thinks he has a problem.

You are fighting a losing battle if he does not agree for both of you (and then the girls) to sit down and make a new set of rules that all of you can live with. THEN, and only then, HE has to enforce the rules and/or back you up. Those girls know you have no power and they are using it to the limit to make your life a living hell. If he refuses to do that, he has already made his choice, and sadly, you aren't part of that choice. Of course, he has to do well with his girls, but as his wife, he needs to respect and support you also. He is teaching his girls to be irresponsible little jerks who will go on to treat some hubby, boyfriend, etc like the dirt they are treating you.

If he thinks he is not a huge part of the problem, well, then, you are better off getting the heck out of there. I hope things turn out in some way positively for you.

You can always clean up after yourself, close the doors to the girls' room, and let their ####### pile up. Were you hired as a maid? Ask for pay if you are going to be the only one doing all the work. Good luck, friend....

[truebrit 4]

my financial situation is : skint.

we talked about 'what ifs' before i came here and he told me it would be ok, i was concerned that the kids wouldn't like me, more so the eldest, the youngest was always chatting to me on msn. he said i never tried to make a relationship with the kids, i did, i may have made the mistake of doing it on a weekly thing, one kid gets attention one week, the other the next, because i was so overwhelmed with everything when i arrived here, they were happy when i was spending money on them and 'doing nothing' for it when i started asking them to do things thats when the fun started. but, like the other night, i ask the eldest to put a few plates and glasses in the dishwasher, we were rushing out the house and i needed to do a few things before we left so i gave her a job, so that the dinner plates weren't lying around on the table where the dog could clean them! we went out, she did her thing, (after school lesson) and then asked to go to the mall, i never said anything except i don't have any money, we get home and the plates are still where they were before we went out, maybe if she had done as i asked then we would have gone to the mall...but she expected to do nothing and get her way...i don't work that way. now all i get is an answer for everything, teenagers!!

he says i never went anywhere with them, he was meaning just me and the kids, for months i was taking the youngest to a learning centre and had the eldest with me, so i took her places while the other one was being taught' the youngest missed out on a lot of my time because of this, but she has really the only one who actually thinks (eventually) about moving her stuff or tidying her room without being asked to!

i have not been in america that long (and i long to go places as a family) i didn't (and still don't) know where anything is, but i had a SAT NAV (tour guide lmao) there was no reason why i couldn't find anything...it would have been nice to go to more than just the computer fair as a family group...we as 'a family' don't go no where unless it is to eat out sometimes. and as a couple we do even less. once in a while we loose the kids for a few hours or even the night and we STILL don't do anything, im not that ugly that he cant bear to be seen out with me...we don't even go out at night! lol

he says i came here with an attitude saying 'we now do it THIS WAY' i am sorry i assumed that i was supposed to be 'running' the house and the way it was running before i got here wasn't good, fast food all the time, dossing in bed til whenever, expecting everyone to drop everything for them at a moments notice.

i didn't come here thinking it was going to be easy, in fact nothing about this entire process has been easy...but it could have been made 'easier' by my husband giving the girls 'the score' instead of laughing at me with them...him backing me up in front of them and showing them he is on my side and will back me up, and that they cant treat people the way they do, yes, he wants to be their friend and have someone else as the 'baddie' and yes this is wrong but, apparently this is all in my head. he is good at reminding me that their is no book on parenting and its ok for him to make mistakes, i have no kids of my own, the house, well...my house in the uk would fit in the garage, the whole street would fit in the house!! which is why i asked for the help in the first place because it was obviously a giant play room. i tried to explain to the kids that collecting and wanting to keep everything isn't good, once in a while you need to have a good clear out and tidy up, but i am speaking to them like they know what im talking about. (they do...they just make out they don't, and me speaking to them as i do has nothing to do with the fact that they just cant be bothered!) Ive tried a number of different attitudes with the kids, nice, doesn't work and neither does not nice, so now i am just plain disinterested and loosing ground.

my husband said he would pay for me, my dog (begrudgingly) and my things to go anywhere i want, manchester is my choice, well...the dog's choice, lol, (its the only airport outside london which will take her)

i know at some point he will see this post and realise it is about us and probably start posting about the dust on top of the beams, or the tops of the kitchen cupboards (the high ones) being a bit 'greasy' which is basically my way of showing them that i am not the maid, i know it will only take an hour or so to get them back to clean, so it isn't me being lazy...its me proving a point, with the kitchen cupboards, just after i arrived here, i was up there, and he had written in the dust which had been there longer than a month, so i responded, it kinda pissed me off that they were in this state when i arrived here and he had already written on them, even though i was going through the house like a mad woman on speed, so this got left, like i said, an hour and its fine. all of them cant (or don't want to) do what is expected of them, then, neither can i, it also shows the girls what happens if you just leave things lying. I AM NOT expecting anyone else to go up there and clean, i am capable, i have no objections and a few of you probably think - dirty cow, just get up there and do it - this is ok, think this, but it kinda defeats the object i am trying to show them, they cannot treat their world the way they do and just expect the place to magically clean up it self, i didn't come here to be the maid and i resent the fact that this is all they think of me, i don't claim to be their mother neither, but i do want to be their friend and help them grow up into responsible caring people, but i just cant see this happening.

i said previously, all i am trying to do it show the girls what my mum showed me, i didn't turn out that bad! and when it comes to cleaning there isn't much i don't know!! and i really don't mind it!! and as i have never had kids (doesn't mean i don't know kids!) , this is the only way i know how to show them...the same way i was shown! at 11 i was helping my mum do her office cleaning job, i also had three paper rounds which she didn't know about, at 13 i was cleaning out the local pub with her, they are old enough to start learning that life isn't all about play and getting your own way.

again i said to him - he expects me to run the house, but i cant do it 'my way' ( <- me being the spoilt one i guess!) but he wont let me change anything, add to it or take stuff away, decorate (boy it needs it) and turn it into the 'family home' it should be. i cant move or throw things because i have no idea how sentimental things are, all this stuff doesn't 'mean' anything to me, i just see it all as dust catchers, i could easily go along with a bin liner and bin the lot, but its their things, i would be (and he agreed) the bad one if i did, but still, they all just leave it.

i didn't get an EAD so working is definitely out of the question, if i want i have a job waiting for me in the uk, driving coaches again. (its amazing what kids get up to when they are away from their parents for a week! lol)

i would rather that this worked and they changed their attitude towards me but after months of saying and asking for some help im banging my head, its all my doing...its a conspiracy as he puts it, the kids don't like me, don't want me here, i imagine this!!

i am sorry i have resorted to posting my problem on a public forum, and gave you all my #######, but a year here and i know no one, the neighbours wont entertain me because ive been bitched by the kids, i guess my requests for them to start pulling their finger out has got me a bad name. we are kinda in the middle of nowhere, his family are just that, his family, and even though i have asked my sister in law for help she gave up on me last year, which i understand why, whenever i saw her all i did was complain about the kids being lazy and my husband treating me like a fool, and well...i think bitching her nieces didn't go down too well and i was the stranger...which is another thing, the kids are completely different at her house, they do everything and don't need a second word or second thought to do it...which just confirms that it is me and they would rather i wasn't here. she sees them doing things for her and assumes it is me demanding more from them...not at all...they have it so easy you wouldn't believe it, and simple tasks are beyond them.

so, i will thank you all for your responses and ive got some good advise from you...and hopefully however this turns out will be the right choice in the end, im not doing this to ###### my husband and his kids, ive told him all this and he knows my feelings, everything i have written, although sounds like im a whining battle axe who should just shut up and clean the house, everything is as i see it now and up to now, he probably sees it differently, as it stands at the moment he doesn't care to hear over and again whats eating me, this is his choice, all i can say is that if HE doesn't change the way he is with his kids then they are going to run him ragged and drain him dry, whether i am here to see that day and say - i told you so - is a different matter.

thanks again for your time.

oh...im known for epic posts.

[*julez* 124]

I am so thankful I found Claudeth

Exactly how is this helpful to the OP? This is really insensitive. Jasman, why don't you stick to posting your stupid smilie posts, like ...because even though it is rarely makes any sense why you're using it, at least it isn't totally offensive and insensitive. So, unless you have something worthwhile to add, keep on posting your stupid sh!t elsewhere.

true brit - I am so sorry for what you're going through. Your husband has failed you as a partner in life and doesn't deserve you. It sounds like he is basically holding you prisoner. Just made you his house maid and nanny. He hasn't even bothered to assist you in adjusting status?

Tell him what you need to rebuild a new life in the UK and get it from him, what ever it takes. You gave up everything for him, with no safety net. That is extremely unfair.

Someone else pointed out that Catholic Charities might be able to help you. You could also see if there is an International Institute in your area. They offer assistance too.

I wish you the best and hope that you will find some happiness upon your return to the UK.

[cnfused 0]

Holy COW I feel as though I am looking in a mirror. As stated though I am the USC. I brought these kids knowing they came from a different culture and understanding that at first. I did many things for them such as you. I would fold the clothes after I washed them and when the would EVENTUALLY ( like hours later ) come and take them from the bed they would just throw them in there closest. Well I got fed up with this and started not to fold them at all since all they were doing was throwing them anyway. NOW I do not wash them at all. I work Full time, My husband has a job that keeps him away from home 5 days and nights of the week. I speak to him like speaking to the wall. I understand that natural parents have a tendancy to put up with more but no way. There were things I tried to do to help them adjust that I never did for my natural borm child who is now 18 and thank goodness does not live with us. If she did it would be war in the house for sure. My situation is their Mother has been in the US for 2 years now, however heaven forbid she come by and take them away for a night or two. Or even bring them something to eat as I work sometimes 16 hour days. I do not cook for them any more , they have to fend for themselves or starve.

I have had it, I am planning to make a life away from my Husband who I am truly in love with because he does not know the word disipline. We have had the same conversation with these children numerous times, however they do not comply and nothing gets done when they do not. My house is a pig sty. I can never invite someone over because you never know what the living room is going to look like. The kids have been here a year and still do not attempt to speak English, there are so many opportunities for things to do to broaden ones mind as we live miles away for NYC however they do not know how to behave so I do not offer to take them anywhere. Just the other day I did not have to be at work until 9am, the mom was supposed to pick the little one up (12yrs old ) . She called at 7:35am saying she was too tired to come and get. She did not call me she called the kid who asked if I would take him. I wanted to say no so bad, however I guess I just like to be beat down also. I wrote things to this nature in another thread here called did I do the right thing. I am thinking I made a HUGE mistake and I am paying the price also. I just want to let you know you are not alone. And yes we are airing ourselves on a public board, however I do so in hopes to make it through this storm. I have been in recovery for over 16 years and in the last 3 months I want to just let it ride....... Good luck to you with whatever you do and this is to let you know you are not alone. How I wish I was stronger sometimes and maybe not so in love with this man. But I can ot stand his KIDS!!!

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

I really think you should try to get more money out of the schmuck before you leave. Seriously. I can't believe someone would bring a wife over when what they really wanted was an Au Pair. With the economy like it is you'll need as much start up money as you can get for your move so do hassle him for more. He owes you that much.

[Mary Lou 673]

I am so thankful I found Claudeth

What does this have to do with the OP's situation?

[*julez* 124]

I am so thankful I found Claudeth

What does this have to do with the OP's situation?

We'll never know since jasman is a notorious drive-by poster. But it is TOTAL BS.

[Mary Lou 673]

I am so thankful I found Claudeth

What does this have to do with the OP's situation?

We'll never know since jasman is a notorious drive-by poster. But it is TOTAL BS.

Yeah, i totally agree. Loved your reply to him, it was spot on!

Guess he's all about the hearts

[Jeraly 4]

I am so thankful I found Claudeth

What does this have to do with the OP's situation?

We'll never know since jasman is a notorious drive-by poster. But it is TOTAL BS.

Yeah, i totally agree. Loved your reply to him, it was spot on!

Guess he's all about the hearts

I read it as Claudeth maybe likes to be a maid? As that is what the OP is on about - why else would he say he was thankful to have found her unless in direct response to the OP?

[nycgirl 13]

I am so thankful I found Claudeth

What does this have to do with the OP's situation?

Claudeth must be one hell of a maid!!!! I'm glad he found her too! hahahahahhahah

[Ban Hammer 12,867]

i've yet to see jasman say anything harsh to anyone on this board, something quite a few of us should emulate.

[*julez* 124]

i've yet to see jasman say anything harsh to anyone on this board, something quite a few of us should emulate.

Being grossly insensitive to the OP is worse than being harsh. People really need to think how their words may effect a person before they post.

[Ban Hammer 12,867]

i've yet to see jasman say anything harsh to anyone on this board, something quite a few of us should emulate.

Being grossly insensitive to the OP is worse than being harsh. People really need to think how their words may effect a person before they post.

i think it's in the way you chose to take his post. nothing offensive was intended from the way i read it, and knowing jasman, i doubt he intended for it to offend anyone.

[SMOKE 1,426]

i've yet to see jasman say anything harsh to anyone on this board, something quite a few of us should emulate.

Being grossly insensitive to the OP is worse than being harsh. People really need to think how their words may effect a person before they post.

you mean like the stupidity you & crew directed towards jasman? when he was clearly making a statement about how lucky he was to find 'the one'. directly related to this part of the OP's post below.

40 years old and never married, never found the right guy, no, im not too picky and have exceptional demands, just guys i get seem to turn lazy or unfaithful, and the trust goes out the window! no i wasn't scared of being left on the shelf

[*julez* 124]

i've yet to see jasman say anything harsh to anyone on this board, something quite a few of us should emulate.

Being grossly insensitive to the OP is worse than being harsh. People really need to think how their words may effect a person before they post.

i think it's in the way you chose to take his post. nothing offensive was intended from the way i read it, and knowing jasman, i doubt he intended for it to offend anyone.

You can take it however you like. I think its offensive to post how lucky you are to have found someone in a thread where the OP is obviously hurting. Its rubbing her nose in it, which is not at all helpful to the OP. Great that he found the one, but not helpful to the OP in this thread. It has no relevance to this topic whatsoever. Even you should be able to understand that.

Edited March 6, 2009 by *julez*