what if the marriage doesn't work?

[Liam and Kara 6]

To begin with, I'm sure part of your fears are stemming from the pregnancy-I've had two children and I know how the hormone changes can make you feel. I promise! This too shall pass. I'm sure you have found things about your spouse that you don't like that you didn't know about before.. But if it helps, try and remember the long wait and the struggle. Try and remember how hard you fought to be together. Things will get better I promise. It's not easy being pregnant. Just be the best spouse that you can be. Despite his behavior and even though you're feeling resentful (this is difficult) but he should come around. Men think on a totally different level than women do-it doesn't mean that they don't care. Most of the time you will see undesirable behavior in your partner, but usually it's temporary and it will pass, we all have our bad times. I'm sure it's just a (men are from mars, women are from venus thing) lol If you've done your best to be the best you can be in the marriage, then at least if it doesn't work out, you have no regrets and you know that you tried as hard as you could. Good luck! Hang in there! Again, I promise this too shall pass.

Kara

[Jasman0717 8]

I would suggest first talking to a marriage counsler, perhaps you can work through the problems. As you say, you just became married to him this January.

That would be a good start. If that doesn't work you might look for a legal aid society in your area.

[jundp 191]

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy and your marriage.

Then stop for a minute and consider the huge hormonal changes your body is going through. Could it be that you aren't expressing to your husband your need for his help or sympathy? Sometimes I think we women forget that our husbands don't read our minds Often all it takes is expressing that need. Also, please consider that you will each find out things about each that you might not like. The question is whether you can live with the flaws and love and accept the person for who they are. You aren't perfect and neither is he.

I wouldn't be too hasty to leave your husband without giving it a shot first.

[luv2uallday 1]

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

That is what you call MARRIAGE. In courting you get to see what you want or think a person is. In Marriage you see what a person TRULY is. I got a question the frustations that you are feeling. Don't you think your husband feels the same way about you? Don't you think he is having hard times just as you? Remember marriage isn't about just you its bout both of you.

Girl, I have been dating my wife from 2002 to 2005, In 2005 I married her. from 2002 - 2007 we were happy no probs basically. then 2007 came she arrived in USA our marriage went rocky fighting all the time. She said what you said. "I don't understand her" and many other things.. We went through hell because we had in our heads of each other what we thought of each other but when it came to the time that we had to do the hard work of being married our Preconceptions of each other were shattered and we discovered all the things we couldn't know about each other being apart. Such as "bad habits" i'm sure you hide all your bad habits from your husband when you were apart. and he hid his from you. Personal traits you hid those too and he hid his too because naturally everyone wants to put on their best look to impress each other.

What I learned is Marriage is 90% hard work and 10% romance. Its about learning about each other. As long as he loves you and you love him then all your problems can be overcome. I would suggest you two talk that is the key to making your marriage work is talking. Try marriage counseling. You two are newly weds. Marriage isn't something you are born it is something your gonna have to learn you will have to cut your teeth on it and swallow alot of pride on. Turn the other cheek often. There weill be lots of tears. Hurtful words not meant will be said. But there will be passion and love and happiness and reward on the otherside as long as you have love.

Question. If you divorce you think that is gonna be the end of your problems? you think all the issues will just disappear? Running from your problems will not solve them. But they will follow you. It is better to solve them now while your marriage is still whole because even though you divorce your problems will be with you.. Your child will still have a dad. You will still have to work with your husband for your baby Running from your problems is the easiest thing to do at first but too often it's the hardest thing to live with. I am divorced and I have a child with my ex been divorced 9 yrs now I have to see and talk to my ex every week to see my son to know how he's in school. Me getting divorced didn't solve my problems or issues it just added more problems I had to deal with in the end I had to deal with my problems too bad i didn't deal with them when i was still married. That is my regret in my life.

I know your pain. But there is hope. You two just got to communicate your feelings and issues Your marriage sounds like it just hit an obstacle or a "bump in the road" just need to know how to get over them. I wish you luck and God bless you I been in your shoes many times know how it feels. we are still together so that tells you that you can do it too.

[EasyRider 3]

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

I wrote something really elaborate in response to your post but I don't think I should post it. If you're really unhappy and don't think you can make it work then leave him. I think it's unfair to just leave any relationship without giving the other person a chance to redeem themselves, if he needs redemption. I mean who knows, maybe the problem is you. But, you know your situation better than anybody and if you really can't stick it out at least a year then leave. However, keep in mind the consequences. If I were your husband, there is no way that I would let my "ex wife" leave the country with my child. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! But that's me. You're entering into a situation that could get really ugly very fast and you need to sit down and think about it and talk to your husband, if he's willing.

As far as staying in the U.S., well, I doubt they would deport the mother of a U.S. citizen because she doesn't have a green card. But you have to wait a whole 7 months for your child to be born and from what you say you can't wait 7 seconds. But I'm not an expert in these matters so I don't really know.

However, if your husband is truly abusing you, like the other poster suggested, then you have to report him. BUT if he's not, then don't use it as an excuse to stay in this country. An accusation like that can ruin a man's life very easily and no matter how horrible a husband he may be, if he's not abusing you then he doesn't deserve to be accused of that.

Some might not like my answer..but

What I have found out is that Americans(me) are more prone to self-reliance and inner strenght..We don't go to the Doctor for little things and alot of us like to be strong and make our own decisions.

I don't know what you mean by this. First what do you mean by "Americans?" I've never really known what that means. Americans to me means American "citizen." It's difficult to label a citizen of a country that is made up of 300+ million people that come in every color, creed, religion, race and ethnicity. And if by Americans you mean "white" or "Caucasian" then what do you mean exactly? You mean Irish, German, Italian, English, Dutch, Swedish, Norwegian, etc.? I mean, "white" could also mean Jewish or Hispanic in some cases. And there are "white" Muslims from Eastern Europe that are also "American." So I'm not sure what you mean with this statement. Plus these virtues exist in pretty much every other culture that I know of firsthand. "Self-reliance" and "inner strength" and "like to be strong and make our own decisions," you could be talking about anybody.

But anyway, I am American and if my wife was sick I would be concerned, especially if she was pregnant. As a matter of fact, when my fiancee was sick last month I suggested she go to the doctor but she refused. I was ready to thrown her over my shoulder and carry her to the hospital. She would have been angry but I would have done it. But maybe that's just me.

[Cacerez 19]

I don't know what you mean by this. First what do you mean by "Americans?" I've never really known what that means. Americans to me means American "citizen." It's difficult to label a citizen of a country that is made up of 300+ million people that come in every color, creed, religion, race and ethnicity. And if by Americans you mean "white" or "Caucasian" then what do you mean exactly? You mean Irish, German, Italian, English, Dutch, Swedish, Norwegian, etc.? I mean, "white" could also mean Jewish or Hispanic in some cases. And there are "white" Muslims from Eastern Europe that are also "American." So I'm not sure what you mean with this statement. Plus these virtues exist in pretty much every other culture that I know of firsthand. "Self-reliance" and "inner strength" and "like to be strong and make our own decisions," you could be talking about anybody.

But anyway, I am American and if my wife was sick I would be concerned, especially if she was pregnant. As a matter of fact, when my fiancee was sick last month I suggested she go to the doctor but she refused. I was ready to thrown her over my shoulder and carry her to the hospital. She would have been angry but I would have done it. But maybe that's just me.

Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant?

[YuAndDan 153]

http://www.visajourney.com/timeline/profile.php?id=54478 (Have you file to adjust status??)

If you have not filed to adjust status, and you divorce, there will be no way to adjust status. You entered the USA on a K-Visa, and this requires adjustment based on marriage to the K-1 visa petitioner.

[DanielParul 50]

I feel for you. Moving to a new country with a new husband can be very hard and adjustment can take a long time with a lot of hard work. The first few months are the toughest because everything is new and so different and expectations from each other are high. Settling down into married life takes time once the reality sets in and the newlyweds get over their fantasyland love. That is the time when you also start to see things in each other that you did not think would bother you. To get pregnant at this stage can make things even more difficult. Trust me I know how hard it was for me coz my husband was deploying and we had been married 4 months or so when i got pregnant. It was a hard time for him too though and not just for me. We have been very good with communication always and talk about everything smallest to the biggest. It is that communication that has made our relationship stronger everyday.

I know its hard right now, but maybe your husband feels scared too. Start talking to him about your feelings and encourage him to share his (do not start with negatives about each other). Get him involved in your pregnancy (it IS both of you after all). Think about the things that bug you about him and whether they can be overcome with time and patience or are they somethings you will not be able to handle at all (unless he's abusive, obsessive, violent and such). Consider it all and maybe give it more time. 3 months are not enough time to make or break a marriage when you both have gone through so much. Hope you find happyness. All the best!

[EasyRider 3]

Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant?

Perhaps you missed the part where I wrote that "to me, American means American citizen." So when I say "I am American" I mean I am a citizen. Is it really that hard to understand?

But since you're missing the entire point of my post I'll spell it out to you as best I can. I do not presume to know everything, especially something that is as infinitely complicated as defining "American." And I certainly would not presume to impose my definition of American on others. Any other clarifications that you may need?

[sj5 4]

Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant?

Perhaps you missed the part where I wrote that "to me, American means American citizen." So when I say "I am American" I mean I am a citizen. Is it really that hard to understand?

But since you're missing the entire point of my post I'll spell it out to you as best I can. I do not presume to know everything, especially something that is as infinitely complicated as defining "American." And I certainly would not presume to impose my definition of American on others. Any other clarifications that you may need?

Please, don't ridicule him for not specifying his ethnicity.

[EasyRider 3]

Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant?

Perhaps you missed the part where I wrote that "to me, American means American citizen." So when I say "I am American" I mean I am a citizen. Is it really that hard to understand?

But since you're missing the entire point of my post I'll spell it out to you as best I can. I do not presume to know everything, especially something that is as infinitely complicated as defining "American." And I certainly would not presume to impose my definition of American on others. Any other clarifications that you may need?

Please, don't ridicule him for not specifying his ethnicity.

Just some advice, not just to you but to the general VJ community if it applies...

Book learnin' is your friend.

[happywifeymom 4]

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

Marriage is not all a bed of Roses. It's all about working hard to make it work the way you want it. You are with him as a married couple for just a few months and you are still on the adjustment period of married life ..more so you are pregnant which is one factor also that you think things in a different way.

If you both love each other...you should talk heart to heart and give each other a chance to work on your relationship especially that there is a bundle of joy on the way.

Most people do put their best foot forward in the courting stage..the only time you get to know the real person is when you two live together..unless you laid your cards on the table before you even meet. No body is perfect so you compromise each other.

Learn to Listen and be a good listener. I been through that adjustment period when i first got here but fortunately we were able to resolve lil misunderstandings especially now that my husband seen his Junior(our 7 month old son).

Communication is very important too..Never give up easily.. pray and talk things out.

Good luck and take care of yourself especially the baby.God Bless you!

[sj5 4]

As most of you know, I got here in the US on December 2008 on a K1 visa. Me and my fiance got married on January 25, 2009. Unfortunately or fortunately I got pregnant and now I on my way to 3rd month. In some ways I say unfortunately because I am having a hard time getting sick and my husband doesn't understand that. I learned some things I don't like about him that I never knew before we got married. Now, I wanna back out because it seems like I am not happy with him anymore because of his attitude and I have to swallow my pride most of the time. Is there anyway for me to stay in the US if our marriage doesn't work out? If there's none I guess I would still love to go back to the Philippines. At least there I have my family who could take care of me while I am carrying this baby. To those who have a child I know that you can sympathize with me. It's not easy to deal with pregnancy sickness and I need my husband to be supporting me and understanding me and help me on this but this doesn't seem to be the situation right now. Now, I don't know what to do. Please help.... thanks....

I have a friend that same thing happened and she found another person to be with and marry. If it is abuse(even verbal) than you need to get a lawyer and help get out of the marriage. My friend was able to stay, so go get a good immigration/divorce lawyer

Yea so find a new man quick, quick quick!

Dumbass woman do this stupid idea.

[sj5 4]

Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant?

Perhaps you missed the part where I wrote that "to me, American means American citizen." So when I say "I am American" I mean I am a citizen. Is it really that hard to understand?

But since you're missing the entire point of my post I'll spell it out to you as best I can. I do not presume to know everything, especially something that is as infinitely complicated as defining "American." And I certainly would not presume to impose my definition of American on others. Any other clarifications that you may need?

Please, don't ridicule him for not specifying his ethnicity.

Just some advice, not just to you but to the general VJ community if it applies...

Book learnin' is your friend.

What kind of books? I need ISBN and author for this book you recommended.

Edited February 23, 2009 by VJ's Opportunist

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant?

Perhaps you missed the part where I wrote that "to me, American means American citizen." So when I say "I am American" I mean I am a citizen. Is it really that hard to understand?

But since you're missing the entire point of my post I'll spell it out to you as best I can. I do not presume to know everything, especially something that is as infinitely complicated as defining "American." And I certainly would not presume to impose my definition of American on others. Any other clarifications that you may need?

laughing.gif Did you just call yourself American after writing a paragraph about not knowing what American meant? rofl.gif

Yea I think maybe I was in the wrong frame of mind when I wrote the American Part... What I was trying to say is we are all different and her spouse needs to understand this..

What I meant about "American" was someone raised here... "Native American"