Discoverying your daughter is bi-sexual/gay/?

[pax 1]

good grief...I don't think the OP needs the choice/not a choice battle at the moment.

OP, my post got buried, but here's a website you should check out: P-FLAG: Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

[sarah and hicham 3]

I am quite aware that we have strayed a bit from the original post

To the Mom- I think you should let your daughter be who she is and embrace having a good relationship with your daughter.

Good luck

[Fandango 1,440]

Well I don't think we strayed that much at all....I think Mom accepting the daughter as gay and not blaming the softball team, or the dykey girls with the short hair is essential to moving forward

Edited May 24, 2006 by LisaD

[almaty 19]

good grief...I don't think the OP needs the choice/not a choice battle at the moment.

i agree..the OP will not fine the answers on an immigration website, no matter the empathy or understanding or advice..she needs to see a professional ..as the issues in this situation lies within her...and not her daughters

[sarah and hicham 3]

Well I don't think we strayed that much at all....I think Mom accepting the daughter as gay and not blaming the softball team, or the dykey girls with the short hair is essential to moving forward

You're right. It all ties together in the end.

ps. As I said I know many many many gay women and not one have they ever influenced me into even thinking about having a sexual relationship with a woman. That's silly.

[MomNeedsAdvice 0]

I'm back from lunch. Boy - gone one hour and three more pages added !!!

I get everyone's point - love your daughter unconditionally. I DO believe it or not. I love her as her, a person. I might not love the relationship she is in. She is a good girl that has put me through ups and downs, but all in all she is a good kid. She has goals of getting a college degree, and I hope she sticks with it, as she seemed to forget her goals halfway through this semester after getting involved in this relationship and flunking one class and not even telling me what she made in her other 3 classes. And don't go screaming that the relationship is not to blame for her failing class because it is. Again, she had a boyfriend up until the end of March. She came home from school and went to work. She came home from work and would study. She would study and read on weekends. She aspired to make decent grades. Then she went to the beach with her sister for that tournament. She came back and had a girlfriend the next week, started skipping classes, stopped studying, and again, flunked a class. She got caught up in it.

I get the point too that some of you say these girls can't influence her to turn gay, but if she is around her sister and sister's friends, I still think she will be more open to it. But again, I worry about little sister hanging around sister and sister's friends too much too because they are all 19 and 20 years old. When little sister got on Varsity, I saw a quick change in attitude (before the gay issue came up). She wanted to go with the older girls after practices driving around, out to eat, etc. She started on the team at 13 and turned 14 during the season. I never let my oldest do stuff on weeknights because of school, but little sister wanted to be one of the big girls and come and go as she wanted. I talked to her often about her attitude. She was short with me when I would ask things and never go into detail. My little sweetie turned ugly hanging around the bigger girls (again before the gay issue came up).

So now I come back to allowing little sister to hang out with big sister and friends. Hanging out with big sister would be okay, but big sister has not been without her friends in over a month - seriously - except when she goes to work. And if you forgot from my original post, these 3 other girls are living with big sister at her father's house as they "have no place to go" and he is allowing this - 6 people, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom. None of the other 3 have jobs either as 2 just finished a semester at college and have not been back to their homes (I have no idea where these girls' parents think they are).

Another thing, big sister told me the other day "it's not all about sex". So if its the emotional attachment, why she just be friends and why push it further? I know I'll hear comments about that, but I'm still more or less in a state of confusion over this. Be kind please.

[ChristinaM 0]

Is your relationship with your husband all about sex? If it's about the emotional attachment, why not just be friends and not push it further....

Same argument applies whether you're gay or straight.

[pax 1]

I get the point too that some of you say these girls can't influence her to turn gay, but if she is around her sister and sister's friends, I still think she will be more open to it. But again, I worry about little sister hanging around sister and sister's friends too much too because they are all 19 and 20 years old. When little sister got on Varsity, I saw a quick change in attitude (before the gay issue came up). She wanted to go with the older girls after practices driving around, out to eat, etc. She started on the team at 13 and turned 14 during the season. I never let my oldest do stuff on weeknights because of school, but little sister wanted to be one of the big girls and come and go as she wanted. I talked to her often about her attitude. She was short with me when I would ask things and never go into detail. My little sweetie turned ugly hanging around the bigger girls (again before the gay issue came up).

If you are considered about an attitude change that truly has nothing to do with sexuality, have you considered simply limiting the time that little sis spends with Big Sis? Maybe only allow her to go out on certain weeknights, or only once or twice a week? You can rightly claim that she needs to spend time on schoolwork and with her other family. You are the mama and you can set reasonable limits without totally cutting off contact.

All I can say is that if someone had suggested that I simply "stay friends" with my fiance, to whom I'm deeply attracted, I would have laughed at them. Sexuality is a part of love, plain and simple, no matter if it's straight or gay love.

[jelti 0]

Is your relationship with your husband all about sex? If it's about the emotional attachment, why not just be friends and not push it further....

Same argument applies whether you're gay or straight.

This is a very important point to take into consideration, Mom.

Also, you must remember that your younger daughter is 14. 14 is a really wacky age. Whoo boy, I never would want to be 14 again, EVER. I believe her attitude toward you may have more to do with early-teen rebellion rather than with her sister's lesbian or bisexual friends.

[MomNeedsAdvice 0]

Is your relationship with your husband all about sex? If it's about the emotional attachment, why not just be friends and not push it further....

Same argument applies whether you're gay or straight.

Point taken.

[Sister Fracas 5]

I get everyone's point - love your daughter unconditionally. I DO believe it or not. I love her as her, a person. I might not love the relationship she is in. She is a good girl that has put me through ups and downs, but all in all she is a good kid. She has goals of getting a college degree, and I hope she sticks with it, as she seemed to forget her goals halfway through this semester after getting involved in this relationship and flunking one class and not even telling me what she made in her other 3 classes. And don't go screaming that the relationship is not to blame for her failing class because it is. Again, she had a boyfriend up until the end of March. She came home from school and went to work. She came home from work and would study. She would study and read on weekends. She aspired to make decent grades. Then she went to the beach with her sister for that tournament. She came back and had a girlfriend the next week, started skipping classes, stopped studying, and again, flunked a class. She got caught up in it.

She got caught up in having fun...she just wasn't having that much fun with the boyfriend perhaps...

I remember being so totally over the moon about boys that I couldn't think at all straight...hell, I couldn't think straight when I first started dating my husband and I KNOW my work and other things got pushed to the back. Maybe she just needs a reminder that she can have the fun and still remain focused on her goals....even though I know you don't want her to have the kind of fun you don't agree with.

[Fandango 1,440]

I'm back from lunch. Boy - gone one hour and three more pages added !!!

I get everyone's point - love your daughter unconditionally. I DO believe it or not. I love her as her, a person. I might not love the relationship she is in. She is a good girl that has put me through ups and downs, but all in all she is a good kid. She has goals of getting a college degree, and I hope she sticks with it, as she seemed to forget her goals halfway through this semester after getting involved in this relationship and flunking one class and not even telling me what she made in her other 3 classes. And don't go screaming that the relationship is not to blame for her failing class because it is. Again, she had a boyfriend up until the end of March. She came home from school and went to work. She came home from work and would study. She would study and read on weekends. She aspired to make decent grades. Then she went to the beach with her sister for that tournament. She came back and had a girlfriend the next week, started skipping classes, stopped studying, and again, flunked a class. She got caught up in it.

I get the point too that some of you say these girls can't influence her to turn gay, but if she is around her sister and sister's friends, I still think she will be more open to it. But again, I worry about little sister hanging around sister and sister's friends too much too because they are all 19 and 20 years old. When little sister got on Varsity, I saw a quick change in attitude (before the gay issue came up). She wanted to go with the older girls after practices driving around, out to eat, etc. She started on the team at 13 and turned 14 during the season. I never let my oldest do stuff on weeknights because of school, but little sister wanted to be one of the big girls and come and go as she wanted. I talked to her often about her attitude. She was short with me when I would ask things and never go into detail. My little sweetie turned ugly hanging around the bigger girls (again before the gay issue came up).

So now I come back to allowing little sister to hang out with big sister and friends. Hanging out with big sister would be okay, but big sister has not been without her friends in over a month - seriously - except when she goes to work. And if you forgot from my original post, these 3 other girls are living with big sister at her father's house as they "have no place to go" and he is allowing this - 6 people, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom. None of the other 3 have jobs either as 2 just finished a semester at college and have not been back to their homes (I have no idea where these girls' parents think they are).

Another thing, big sister told me the other day "it's not all about sex". So if its the emotional attachment, why she just be friends and why push it further? I know I'll hear comments about that, but I'm still more or less in a state of confusion over this. Be kind please.

I think you should be worried about younger daughter hanging out with much older girls. Not for the gay angle, but older girls CAN influence younger ones...tthere's a big difference maturity wise.

Furthermore, beware of the 'post hoc ergo propter hoc' (after this, therefore because of it) fallacy which I think you're buying into...after all, as my Econ prof explained

1- I washed my car

2. Then it rained.

but it didn't rain because I washed my car...and just because she has a gf doesn't mean that's the reason she flunked her class....and if you REALLY want answers, perhaps you should be talking to her about this instead of us.

Edited May 24, 2006 by LisaD

[babybunny 2]

I should think that by age 20 your daughter knows who she is, and you may just have to accept that its not a "phase". Whether bi or gay, what's it matter really? Its not unusual for someone newly in love to start getting lower grades in school. Happens even with "normal" people.

I agree with you fully.

my sister is les. she has been all her life, she is < 47 > . she is in a relationship for many years.

I dont agree with my sisters choices but, I accept it and its ok. my sisters partner visits the family

all the time. never do they cross the line there is a time and place for that certainly. They have the

same issues straight couples have. I recall recently a misunderstandng they had about the

other ignoring the other. turned out it was all a misunderstanding. one took ignoring as " you

are mad at me ". the other took it as " I will let you have some space because, you have been tired lately"

when they talked the problem was resolved. They both understand their roles in the relationship.

one does the cooking, the other does the laundry.

[

Another thing, big sister told me the other day "it's not all about sex". So if its the emotional attachment, why she just be friends and why push it further? I know I'll hear comments about that, but I'm still more or less in a state of confusion over this. Be kind please.

what if your mom kept you from your boyfriend. its the samething. she is 20. she is not gonna change her mind. if anything she is at least talking to you about it. there may come a day when she quit talking to you about it. that would be something to fear - she is your daughter reguardless. I know of a lady that had

a lover when she was 15 - her mom caught the 2 girls in a compromising position and islated the 2 girls forever. the 15 year old was heartbroken for a very long time.

[rclouse 0]

One cannot "catch the gay". It is not a bug or a disease.

Sorry.

I'm sure this has been said before, but it bears repeating. I find it highly unlikely for people to choose homosexuality. There is so much societal pressure and actual danger to being homosexual that few would willingly "choose" such a lifestyle; you either are or you aren't. Straight people never fight their attraction for the opposite sex, but I'm certain many homosexuals go through a period where they fight their attraction to their own sex.

IMHO "Mom" should support her daughters the best she can, and help them regardless of their sexual orientation. It'll be tough to get used to the idea, but it'll be better in the long run.

Girl28: die in a fire.

[Ban Hammer 14,295]

Girl28: die in a fire.

i'm sure ewok knows who it is by the ip. i'm sure we'll figure it out with their sudden absence too.

Edited May 24, 2006 by charlesandnessa