That leap of faith...

[Fandango 1,439]

I've been thinking a lot about things here. I know there are a lot of people here that have met/fallen in love without ever having met...it has lately made me think about people and how they are committing their lives to one another without having been around each other physically,

Is it romantic? Or is it short-sighted? I suppose that depends on the outcome! We've all heard the tragic stories here and how you think you know someone, then that person is completely different in person after you're living together. But the same could be said for people within close proximity of each other who get married quickly.

I know I'm rambling here, but cross-continental relationships (hell, even continental ones) don't afford the couple a 'dating' stage. It's talk talk talk I love you ENGAGED! living together marriage. Kinda the crappy nature of this sort of relationship I suppose. It's kinda romantic to supercede the physical and love a person purely for what kind of person they are...but at what point does that romantisicm give way to realism? And when does the physical come into it? What if you meet the person you love & the chemistry is not there? Is it awkward meeting your 'fiancee' for the first time?

I hope no one thinks I'm mocking anyone cos I am really not. I am merely curious.

To those who have done it and gotten married: how was it living together at first? Was it strange?

To those who have yet to meet their SO: what's going through your minds? Is there anything physical that would turn you off completely?

[Jenn! 918]

Interesting topic, Lisa. I must say I've had similar curiosities. I personally can't imagine marrying someone without having lived together first (no judgement here - just my personal feeling!), let alone having only spent a few weeks together before getting engaged.

I'm also curious to see if you get flamed! (and I guess me too now!)

[Mand 1]

I've often thought about that too, as we were fortunate to live together in Ireland.

However I also know that I was attracted to Rob the minute I laid eyes on him and here comes the soppy bit...I remember saying to myself on our 3rd date that he was the man I was going to marry. And that's coming from someone who was known as being notoriously anti-soppy and hard as nails. But when you know, you know...and that's all I know

[pax 0]

I'm going to think on this and answer later, but for my fellow VJers who were in this situation, let's not start a flame war. I think Lisa's question is legit and I think we could have a very interesting dialogue here.

[sukie175 0]

Interesting thoughts Lisa.

I can tell you our side, we met 3.5 years before we actually met in person. When we met we were both very unhappily married and we fell for each other in days. But we both agreed not to meet until we were either seperated or divorced. As it turned out we met when he had been divorced awhile and I had been seperated awhile.

Those 3.5 years not actually meeting physically were hard and expensive with all the phone bills, but also bult a firm base to our relationship due to all the verbal communication. I can honestly say that by the time we met, I had never known anyone so intimately or understood them so well. We agreed that when we met it was merely a case of whether the chemistry was there, the love had been there 3.5 years. I guess relationship maturity means we were realistic enough to realise we needed the physical attraction too make it work though.

We were both nervous at that meeting, because we both so wanted it to work and lucky for us the chemistry was totally there. However we spent about 7 weeks together in vacations and waited another 6 months before we got engaged.

Having had our experience I am a great believer in being able to totally fall in love with a person without actually meeting them, but reality is you need to also find out if the attraction and chemistry is there, before you get engaged.

[chri'stina 190]

I'm not in the process of it at this moment, as people already know Sujeet is here and we've been married almost 2 years.

But I can talk from my experience with it. I knew I loved and wanted to marry Sujeet even before going to India to see him face to face, but I felt like I did already know him face to face. I had a billion (well, not a billion...hehe) pictures of him, talked to him on the phone all the time and online hours everyday and talked through the web cam/mics. By the time I went to India, no physical thing would turn me off from him...the only thing that would turn me off is if he had been a completely different person than who he was during the 2 years prior to that. And that didn't happen.

I didn't actually call him my fiance til after that trip, where he officially asked me to marry him and gave me a ring. Even though before that we both knew our future was to be together, I just waited til after the trip to call him officially my "fiance". My dad video taped the proposal, which was not a surprise to me of course since we already knew we wanted to marry eachother and knew we were taping the proposal for my family back in the US to see.

Yeah by the way most people know I'm sure by now, that my dad went to India with me...to meet Sujeet for himself and to make sure I had safe travels. I'm glad he came! It gave Sujeet and my dad a chance to bond too. And I think it's unique as most ppl on VJ didn't have their father or mother around the first time they met. Most ppl would think it an annoyance, but I was glad my dad was there. Sujeet and I still had plently of time to talk and spend time together, my dad was sensitive on that and made sure he wasn't always interfering.

On the physical part, I already loved him by then and since we believed in waiting til marriage to have sex, I wasn't going to judge that since I loved him no matter what...no matter if he was not perfect, or not a muscle man, or whatever etc...I knew why I loved him and the love covers every other flaws if there were any(physically speaking). I don't really know if it's possible that someone you love so much, you have no chemistry with face to face after knowing you love them. I think it's a myth myself, because if you truly loved them all along, why would you suddenly stop? Either its because they are not the same person you thought they were, or love is only a physical thing instead of something deeper inside for some. I dont know...

So now we've been married almost 2 years and things have been as we thought they would be. I do feel very sorry for those who find out the real person of their spouse is totally different than they thought. Sometimes in life it's a risk, and I know many people who met in their every day lives, not online or across the sea, that also were shocked at who they really married, after it was too late.

woah that was long!!! sorry!!

By the way...for those who are curious, I understand! I was the same way before it happend to me, because I saw it happen to a friend of mine and thought...hmm strange...

But if anyone is weirded out by it, I don't mind because our marriage has testified to what I have experienced. I don't think anyone on VJ thinks I have a weird marriage, but instead knows how in love Sujeet and I are even now.

Edited May 16, 2006 by stina&suj

[Fandango 1,439]

Sarah, thank you...and thanks to everyone else too.

I'm curious tho...what if the chemistry wasn't there? Does the love go out the window?

[faith 0]

For us, his first visit here was for 2 months, so we could "try out" our relationship. We had never met in person before, and wanted to have a long visit to see how it would work.

I was nervous as hell when he got here. I almost puked in the airport. I was scared, I had thoughts like "what the heck am I doing". I went thru the whole gambit of emotions at that point. BUT....

From the moment he got here I didn't have a doubt in my mind. He was exactly who I thought he was from the net, in fact he was even better. Our two months together flew by, and it was like he was meant to be with us. (I have 2 kids from a previous marriage). As soon as he went back to Denmark we started the process for the K-1. While he was here it was not strange at all (except for the first few kisses as he was the first person I'd been with other than my ex in 8 years).

He came back on the K-1 on Jan. 27, 2005. We got married Feb. 12, 2005. Honestly, I have a better relationship with him than I ever have with anyone. I believe it's because of how we met, how we only had internet time and phone calls to get to know each other before we got physical. I believe the time apart also made things better in the long run for us (in terms of our relationship).

[Fuzzness 2]

I was attracted to Karen when i first met her online, physically and emotionally. but i didnt want to get into a relationship at first. we decided to meet and then i knew i was in love. took me a few months after to admit it though.

but yeah i am sure i am going to get flamed for this but getting engaged before even meeting in person is very short sighted. not very smart. meet first and be sure of things before getting engaged.

this is also why we are not getting married right away.

[sukie175 0]

Well no I don't think the love does go out of the window, personally I wasn't faced with this problem but we did discuss 'what if' before the meeting.

We both agreed there was no pressure and if the physical/chemistry was not there then we would be the best of friends initially and have a great vacation together, and then give it some time, to see if things developed.

I actually think if you are as in love as we were, it would be hard not to be attracted to the other person as your mind is where you fall in love - or at least we do.

[faith 0]

Sarah, thank you...and thanks to everyone else too.

I'm curious tho...what if the chemistry wasn't there? Does the love go out the window?

I tend to think that love has a lot to do with chemistry.... We had created our own online chemistry, and then we were in love, so I don't know that chemistry would have had anything to do with it, really. For example, had I met him here I probably wouldn't have dated him or had any chemistry with him.... But trust me, it's there between us! I think that's the love first meet second part of it coming out.

[sukie175 0]

I personally can't imagine marrying someone without having lived together first (no judgement here - just my personal feeling!), let alone having only spent a few weeks together before getting engaged.

I have to comment on this....if we all felt like this then there would be far fewer of us on VJ!!!

As I said somewhere else last week, unless you are a millionaire or student maybe and can take 3 months off from your normal life/work, the K1 process does not give you the grace of a getting to know each other in person period of time. We have no normal dating process, or living together process, we have to get engaged and then get married within 90 days of arriving.

Sarah, thank you...and thanks to everyone else too.

I'm curious tho...what if the chemistry wasn't there? Does the love go out the window?

I tend to think that love has a lot to do with chemistry.... We had created our own online chemistry, and then we were in love, so I don't know that chemistry would have had anything to do with it, really.

This is a very good way of explaining what I was trying to say

Edited May 16, 2006 by sukie175

[chri'stina 190]

I was nervous as hell when he got here. I almost puked in the airport. I was scared, I had thoughts like "what the heck am I doing". I went thru the whole gambit of emotions at that point. BUT....

From the moment he got here I didn't have a doubt in my mind. He was exactly who I thought he was from the net, in fact he was even better.

same here...landing in New Delhi with my dad, I felt like puking and just kept thinking in my head...gee this better be what you thought it'd be like....My dad kept asking me.."are you alright???". Not only meeting Sujeet face to face the first time, but being in INDIA!!

But also from the moment of actually being in eachother's presence it all faded away and became even better that I thought it would be.

[faith 0]

I personally can't imagine marrying someone without having lived together first (no judgement here - just my personal feeling!), let alone having only spent a few weeks together before getting engaged.

I have to comment on this....if we all felt like this then there would be far fewer of us on VJ!!!

As I said somewhere else last week, unless you are a millionaire or student maybe and can take 3 months off from your normal life/work, the K1 process does not give you the grace of a getting to know each other in person period of time. We have no normal dating process, or living together process, we have to get engaged and then get married within 90 days of arriving.

Sarah, thank you...and thanks to everyone else too.

I'm curious tho...what if the chemistry wasn't there? Does the love go out the window?

I tend to think that love has a lot to do with chemistry.... We had created our own online chemistry, and then we were in love, so I don't know that chemistry would have had anything to do with it, really.

This is a very good way of explaining what I was trying to say

that was my own lucid moment for today (I usually have such a hard time expressing what I'm thinking lately.. this pregnancy has fried my brain!)

I was nervous as hell when he got here. I almost puked in the airport. I was scared, I had thoughts like "what the heck am I doing". I went thru the whole gambit of emotions at that point. BUT....

From the moment he got here I didn't have a doubt in my mind. He was exactly who I thought he was from the net, in fact he was even better.

same here...landing in New Delhi with my dad, I felt like puking and just kept thinking in my head...gee this better be what you thought it'd be like....My dad kept asking me.."are you alright???". Not only meeting Sujeet face to face the first time, but being in INDIA!!

But also from the moment of actually being in eachother's presence it all faded away and became even better that I thought it would be.

At one point I told my friend who had gone with me to the airport... "I'll just be in the bathroom. You find him and bring him to me"

[Mand 1]

I think chemistry or whatever you would like to call it, is what attracts you to a person in the first place and true love, (not the over-used phrase) is what comes from this and it grows stronger as time goes on.