How do you split your finances?

[JenT 0]

Hi all,

I prompted the poll about pre-nuptial agreements and as I read the responses of those who chose to reply (thank you for sharing your thoughts), I wondered about another question, better served for discussion than a poll, I think...

During my first marriage, finances were shared equally.. joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc.. even though income was split more like 60-40. Divorce was relatively amicable with a 50-50 split of assets, joint custody of the kids. The only contention was retirement and he threatened to keep me from closing the deal on the house I wanted if I pursued half of his, so I relented.

Now... I'm wondering how people who have been divorced, or are older and have established lives/kids/etc, have decided to manage their finances... everything jointly, one joint account for bills with separate accounts for personal expenses, other options?

I'm of the opinion that marriage is a partnership, not a business arrangement, but I don't have experience in any other method other than 'joint everything'. I'm interested in hearing pros/cons of how arrangements have worked for people.

Ideas? Thoughts?

Jen

[babybunny 2]

this is always a touchy issue. why cant you and your SO talk about this?

[JenT 0]

You are assuming we haven't, and that is an incorrect assumption.

I was just inquiring as to what others' experiences have been.

[moondancer627 0]

Well since this is my first marriage,and I have been very independent all my life and turning 40. Anton and I have our own private bank accounts and one joint account. Since I am working right now and have two jobs one check goes into my account, his personal money from Canada is his for his building project, and my other job goes into our account and he matches it.

I guess everyone would have there own arrangement that works for them.

We have little expenses except for food, rent, phone, and car insurance and he is helping me pay off my credit cards that I acrued expenses on prior to our marriage as he wants me to be debt free in the next few years..

Moondancer

[Cristy 4]

I was not married and my ex was a deadbeat. I basically made all the money and all the bills were in my name. When we spilt I got the kids, all the stuff and the bills. He got himself 2 garbage bags of clothes tossed in the snow lol.

Anyway, this time..... I am not really good with money so we will have a joint account, he will be in charge of paying bills. I think we will also each have our own savings account, not sure about that yet.

[Fandango 1,439]

It will be joint everything! I am sharing my life, my soul, my bed...why the hell not my money? Same goes for him too, obviously!

I don't understand the concept of separate when you're married. I know it works for some ppl, but we personally can't understand it *shrug*

[Welshcookie 17]

As we are in the UK we have 2 separate accounts.....his dollar account which we use for paying bills and 'american' shopping......my pound account gets used for every day living....but it's all regarded as 'our' money.

[terri o'neale 0]

I mentioned in the poll...this has been one of the hardest parts of our relationship. And that has been mostly (read ALL) my fault. Like you I was married and have four kids from that marriage. During those 14 years we shared all finances. Then when we divorced...I asked for nothing. BIG mistake. Then I was in a 3 year relationship with my youngest son's dad. He never worked a day the whole time. I paid for everything. Add to that my general distrust of men = recipe for disaster.

When Paul and I first talked marriage I was working full-time in a good job. He wanted 50/50. But since I have kids from my previous marriage, I didn't feel like he should subsidize them (my ex pays all of $250 in child support for 3 kids). I insisted on 75/25. Then I got pregnant with Emmie (we had chosen to discontinue birth control because my nurse midwife said at my age it would take at least a year of slid trying...lol...third times a charm). I had a really tough pregnancy and couldn't work. Then she was born pre-mature so we didn't want her in daycare. So I haven't been able to work in a year. Of course 75/25 went right out the window. Heck alot of the time 50/50 was hard. That REALLY bothered me. PRIDE!!!

The hardest was when Paul came out in Sept/Oct/Nov of 2005. Our landlord hadn't kept up maintenance on my apartment. The tub upstairs had been leaking for some time down into my unit. I had wanted to move but didn't have the money. Paul took one look and said I wasn't bringing his baby home to this. I started crying...I was doing the best I could. He politely reminded me that it was a we now. The worst was after a long day of apartment shopping which was made even harder by my poor credit from a divorce and two layoffs. I was crying all over the place that it wasn't his responsibility to take care of my kids. He told me that I was his responsibility.

We finally found OUR place. His name is one the lease too. And the deal we have is that he pays whatever I can't manage of the rent. Sometimes that's nothing. Sometimes that's over half of it. But still ever month I make all the rent I smile...and every time I have to ask for any help I feel like a burden. And I hate it. This month has really sucked...first he had to send over half of the rent. Then yesterday the laptop that he gave me broke. I am trying to build a consulting business and that laptop is my life. I have a deadline coming up too. So then today he had to send $700 for another one. So I'm SUPER bummed.

To make all that worse, I have been really getting down during this latest separation. We have discussed it and decided that instead of Emmie and I just visiting for a week or two...we are going to max out the 90 days on the VWP. But that means I won't be able to work at all. He'll have to pay all the rent for 3 months. I hate that part. But I keep reminding myself of two things. During those 90 days, his daughter will cut her first tooth, learn to sit up and crawl, and say da-da. Sort of like the MasterCard commericial, $5500 for rent...those firsts priceless.

And the other thing I keep reminding myself is that once we get that stamp in his passport we're in for a total role reversal. He can't work with a K3 for months. So he'll be Mr Mom and I'll be the breadwinner. He's going to even spend that time studying for a career change. So I'll have my chance to 'repay' his kindness.

Last month when I landed this new client and he had just returned after two months off work and hadn't gotten his first check yet, I had the privilege of transferring funds to him for a change. Funny thing is that bothered him as much as it always bothers me. We promised that we would both put pride aside and accept that we meant we in this as much as our bed...our hearts...our kids. But as I seat here typing on my new laptop, that doesn't help the tattered shreds of my pride. Only thing I can say is that there is this verse in proverbs...where your purse strings are, there too is your heart. I know where my husband's heart is. And that makes me feel even more like the luckiest woman in the world.

Sorry the post was sooooooooo long....you can wake up now. LOL.

[ivona 0]

Terri, I can SOOOO understand where you are coming from..... pride and ego I am learning to deal with as we speak....

David and I don`t separate finances, we fairly soon jumped into the "we" thinking.... I especially like how Lisa D put it "I am sharing my life, my soul, my bed...why the hell not my money?"

it is the same for us

when it comes to visa process costs, we just naturally assumed that each one covers what costs exist on our side of it, with the knowledge that the other one will jump in to cover it should the other lack

however, when we get to the point of finally being able to start a life together, everything including finances will be joint

at the same time, it really pains me that I will not be able to contribute as equally in the beginning.....even though David keeps me reminding me that it doesn`t matter, my pride and ego constantly remind me of it....

well, if there is one thing that love teaches you it is humility

[GaryC 7]

Luz and I have talked about this at length. My first marriage my ex worked. We pooled our money to pay the bills. Without getting into it lets just say it didn't work out. I have told Luz from the start that this time I want a traditional marriage. I work and earn the money, she stays home and takes care of me and the house. What is mine will be hers, there is no sharing, everything is ours together.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Joint everything here. There's just no other way to go as far as I am concerned.

After all, we're one ever since we took the vows.

[bucknekkid 0]

I love Karen more than cash or possessions, and I am not going into this marriage thinking down the road it may fail and try to protect my stuff in advance of a perceived end. It's only money and possessions, both of which I can make more of and aquire again...

[KarenCee 3]

I love Karen more than cash or possessions, and I am not going into this marriage thinking down the road it may fail and try to protect my stuff in advance of a perceived end. It's only money and possessions, both of which I can make more of and aquire again...

That's exactly the way I feel about Joel. We are in this TOGETHER...NOT SEPARATE.

My first marriage was a "I work...you stay home" kind of thing, which in and of itself isnt a bad thing. It's when it becomes a control issue that problems arise. When I was allowed to work, as an assistant teacher (which I am now) my job was viewed as "not really working" (huh?) and any money I made went in our joint account but I was not allowed to spend any. I had to ask permission. I could go on and on....

Joel and I are going to be ONE. I already feel that way now, even though we aren't married yet. We plan to share everything and like Lisa said...if I'm sharing my life, my soul, my home, and my bed why not everything else! Together but separate....IN MY OPINION....is a recipe for problems down the road.

[rebeccajo 14]

Jen's got a bad taste in her mouth because of her divorce. I can relate. She probably wasn't expecting her ex to pull the nasty trick about pension/house closing. If her divorce experience was anything like mine, she may still be painfully aware of how someone you think you know can 'change' when it comes time to split. So I don't think her question is about trust. I know for me it's not about whether I 'trust' my husband. But I sure as hell haven't forgotten how a tiger can change its stripes.

That said, we put all our money together. Everything we have is joint and will continue to be that way.

I can't let what happened in the past rule our decisions. But I have to admit, there are times when my past financial experiene rises up in me and I just pray then that the man I see in front of me is not like the one behind me.

[Leafgal 3]

It will be joint everything! I am sharing my life, my soul, my bed...why the hell not my money? Same goes for him too, obviously!

I don't understand the concept of separate when you're married. I know it works for some ppl, but we personally can't understand it *shrug*

Lisa I am there with you. We have talked about it and we are sharing it all, cause I wouldn't get the whole what is yours is yours and mine is mine thing. Maybe it is because he has more than me, but even if it was the other way around it wouldn't matter.

I love Karen more than cash or possessions, and I am not going into this marriage thinking down the road it may fail and try to protect my stuff in advance of a perceived end. It's only money and possessions, both of which I can make more of and aquire again...

Exactly, money and things are worth nothing without those you love.