Administrative Processing Hell and Marriage

[♥JP♥ 5]

For us the AP didn't make it worse. However just having a long distance relationship with or without a visa process is very difficult. Fighting over the net or the phone is so hard and if you happen to get a bad connection at that time, it only makes it worse. We just kept telling each other that if we could get through this then we had an even better chance to make through anything else.

[ya falaha! 0]

Another thing that makes it rough for AP/LDR is language barrier or cultural barrier. Even if your SO speaks English fluently things can get misunderstood on both sides causing fights and disagreements. This is especially so for those who do most of their dealings online. With LDR you can hang up and turn off your phone to escape the problem (which can escalate it). Dealing with problems in person is much easier.

[♥JP♥ 5]

Another thing that makes it rough for AP/LDR is language barrier or cultural barrier. Even if your SO speaks English fluently things can get misunderstood on both sides causing fights and disagreements. This is especially so for those who do most of their dealings online. With LDR you can hang up and turn off your phone to escape the problem (which can escalate it). Dealing with problems in person is much easier.

This is huge. There are times when my husband will say something to me in English and I will get mad. Then he will tell me that I misunderstood him and he will say it again in arabic and yes it will have a totally different meaning. I would say that him speaking english is the root cause of most of our arguments. When we speak arabic, everything is peachy keen.

[allousa 1]

Another thing that makes it rough for AP/LDR is language barrier or cultural barrier. Even if your SO speaks English fluently things can get misunderstood on both sides causing fights and disagreements. This is especially so for those who do most of their dealings online. With LDR you can hang up and turn off your phone to escape the problem (which can escalate it). Dealing with problems in person is much easier.

This is huge. There are times when my husband will say something to me in English and I will get mad. Then he will tell me that I misunderstood him and he will say it again in arabic and yes it will have a totally different meaning. I would say that him speaking english is the root cause of most of our arguments. When we speak arabic, everything is peachy keen.

I can SO relate to this. Hicham and I used to fight over this very thing alot when we first met, but I've learned not to be so sensitive to his comments because he still puts words the wrong way, even though his spoken English is very, very good.

Our situation is different from most in that Hicham and I were together for 3 years here in the States before he got stuck in Maroc. We definitely had cultural adjustments then.

I do expect their to be an adjustment period for us as well, but it won't be cultural. It will be more about our parenting skills, since he's never been around his son AND the fact that I've run the show by myself for 4 years...it's going to be an adjustment for both of us. We have talked alot about this already. While it's not the same as actually being here and going through it, we are aware that we are going to have to work harder at it and really communicate with each other.

My best advice is to use this time to really mature your communication skills. Hicham has really learned to hear me out and not jump to quickly to conclusions and I've learned not to be so sensitive to his comments.

[Nutty 2]

AP is hell....

My marriage is beautiful as it is....Putting us through hell doesn't increase the beauty of our relationship....

As it stands now...I am on the verge of clinical depression...

[sereia 0]

Adjustment to living together is a whole new experience. I dunno if it's harder than AP but it is HARD. There are days (now and in the past) where I'd like to straight up kick the man's azz all the way to Egypt and back.

gotta agree with moody on that one! personally i think the adjustment period is much harder than waiting for my husband was!

[doodlebugg 10]

AP is hell....

My marriage is beautiful as it is....Putting us through hell doesn't increase the beauty of our relationship....

As it stands now...I am on the verge of clinical depression...

I'm so sorry. Have you seen anyone about this? Many on here have had to go on medication to deal with the separation and the unknown of it all.

[Nutty 2]

Believe it or not...But I called Kaiser today to find out about counseling services and got a message that lines were busy due to inclement weather....If this wasn't an emergency to call back later.

I've looked in OFMLA and FMLA to see if I would qualify for some time off, but both laws are for larger companies. Not one as small as mine (9 employees). So my plan was to quit my job if they would not give me the time off, go see my husband and then come back to look for work (paying rent here even though I'm in Iran).

But now to make my plans more complicated, there are rumours the new building owners are intending to evict tenants in order to do renovations...

So should I go now or wait for an eviction and then go???

Edited January 28, 2008 by Nutty

[Aymerlu 3]

AP was hell, but we never really had fights about it. If he started talking about the "why this and why that" over and over I would just say "hey....I'll call you back in a few minutes" and I'd hang up. Then when I'd call him back everything would be fine. I just told him it was out of both of our hands and all the complaning in the world wasn't going to help the situation. The trips I made to Egypt during the AP sure helped a lot too. I'm sure it would be a different story if I wasn't able to see him.

[doodlebugg 10]

We don't argue about the visa process really but it's the miscommunications and the lack of face to face interaction (webcams just don't do it for us anymore) that just plain suck when you're disagreeing on something and yes misinterpretation of something that comes out of his or my mouth normally sets it off. Granted...we don't fight that often but when we do I think it would be probably a 20 minute squabble as opposed to a full day war if we were just here looking at each other and could hug after.

Nutty I don't know, if it's getting to you to the point where you are really really depressed and can't function then I say go, be with him. When will you have this chance to do that again? ONce you have kids and are settled down the ability to travel will dwindle and you can't get these years back, you know? I suffer from depression but not due to my husband being absent, though I can certainly understand that cause and effect. It's very difficult to function without medication and get from point a to point b and finding the right medication is a b!tch for some people. Mine stems from childhood abuse but if it were due to not being with my husband and I could fix it by moving with him you bet your bippy I'd be there before you could say alhumdulilah!

[Nutty 2]

We don't argue about the visa process really but it's the miscommunications and the lack of face to face interaction (webcams just don't do it for us anymore) that just plain suck when you're disagreeing on something and yes misinterpretation of something that comes out of his or my mouth normally sets it off. Granted...we don't fight that often but when we do I think it would be probably a 20 minute squabble as opposed to a full day war if we were just here looking at each other and could hug after.

Nutty I don't know, if it's getting to you to the point where you are really really depressed and can't function then I say go, be with him. When will you have this chance to do that again? ONce you have kids and are settled down the ability to travel will dwindle and you can't get these years back, you know? I suffer from depression but not due to my husband being absent, though I can certainly understand that cause and effect. It's very difficult to function without medication and get from point a to point b and finding the right medication is a b!tch for some people. Mine stems from childhood abuse but if it were due to not being with my husband and I could fix it by moving with him you bet your bippy I'd be there before you could say alhumdulilah!

I made a decision to leave the USA in 2004 and had to come back at the beginning of 2007. Coming back to the USA where I don't feel at home anymore...I have tried to establish domicile. I have no roots or connection to this place. Then to be seperate from my husband....A terrible job...It is all getting to be too much. Maybe I have "situational depression" but from what I read it can become clinical depression if it isn't treated. So I am trying to figure what is the best thing to do now. Change my environment or what....

[sarahaziz 0]

we fight twice a day

[Cheryl & Medo 3]

Medo and I don't fight much....Hardly at all....But this AP HELL Dose get the best of me. So my doctor gave me the little blue pill (Xanix) I call it

I dont give a freek about anything pill. (ok I dont say freek)

But if I didnt get on this med. I would be in the crazy house by now. I was crying around the clock. Not sleeping....Not eating...... I was making my husband crazy...

And I will never go so long without seeing him again (almost 2 years)

I will go back in October if the visa hasn't came by then.

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

In my case it was more like the after Christmas Blues. You know, you shop, wrap, hide, cook, and clean for weeks and then it's all over in 2 hours? It was nine months from the day of our marriage to the day the visa was issued. Nine months of not knowing when or if, planning, saving, spending time together online. Then two weeks of waiting and preparing for him to be here. The anticipation of him finally being here, meeting my family, seeing everything. Then he was here and it was "okay, NOW what do I do with you"? LOL Now Ibrahim has been here for three months, and we still fight, we still argue. We have some really really good days and some really really bad ones. There have been times that I was ready to send him back to Jordan and times when he was more than ready to go. It's a hard period of adjustment made even more complicated by the cultural difference, the language barriers, the expectations we both have of the other.

[polarbear 0]

In my case it was more like the after Christmas Blues. You know, you shop, wrap, hide, cook, and clean for weeks and then it's all over in 2 hours? It was nine months from the day of our marriage to the day the visa was issued. Nine months of not knowing when or if, planning, saving, spending time together online. Then two weeks of waiting and preparing for him to be here. The anticipation of him finally being here, meeting my family, seeing everything. Then he was here and it was "okay, NOW what do I do with you"? LOL Now Ibrahim has been here for three months, and we still fight, we still argue. We have some really really good days and some really really bad ones. There have been times that I was ready to send him back to Jordan and times when he was more than ready to go. It's a hard period of adjustment made even more complicated by the cultural difference, the language barriers, the expectations we both have of the other.

I kinda feel that way too sometimes. After fighting for 1 1/2 years to keep our relationship, not knowing, the first 9 months I didn't even know if I would ever see him again. After my 4 day visit to Egypt, dealing with all this uncertainty and imigration cr@p. It drives me crazy, the not knowing. He received his visa and I was so excited, but then he never bought a plane ticket, couldn't tell when he was coming and I almost wanted to kill him. Then he bought his ticket and was here in 3 days We are just now settling down from the wedding, AOS stuff, finding job, ect.... and I get hit with health problems. Life gets crazy and LD or not, there will always be times you want to hit him over the head and send him back where he came from. But in the long run, we've learned how to make it work and it is wonderful to have him here when the sh!t hits the fan.

The time apart gave me time to decide it was worth it and made it through those hard times together. It kinda erases the doubt, I know that no matter what he will stick around and try to make it work. May sound romantic, and I know that there are those who think that all MENA men are like that until they get their green card... but all I know is that I am happy and secure in our relationship and anything else, I will take it as it comes. This journey not only strengthend us as a couple, it strengthened me as a person.