Engagement Rings

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Oh no doubt, Slim! But a little differently than you might be thinking. We've discussed it many times. Her biggest gripes are these...

Sharing a bedroom with her mother and children; Feeling obligated to entertain her mom each night in conversation; Having to go on beer or smoke runs for her father; Having to listen to her parents quarrel when she wants a quiet night; Being a referee, sometimes, for the former; Being expected to be there for all three generations each and every day; Never having any privacy.

She really has no complaints about housekeeping, cooking, what have you. She appreciates it when I do the laundry, dishes, cleaning up, but this are not what she considers difficult. It really boils down to wanting to have a little elbow room. Personal space and the freedom to run her own household would give my Alla a lot of peace.

I like the way she puts it, "Jeffery, I wait for our new life. Mine is so deeficult-!"

Which means she is looking forward to dropping some of her current responsibilities and expecting you to pick up some of the slack.

[Chuckles 0]

Slim, I don't know If I have related to any post in the Russian forum more then this one. However, I didn't have any other expectation after my wife started working in the US. I had no delusions about her being "Russian" and that somehow "trumped" her womenly instincts. She works and brings home a paycheck just like me.

Yah, I ###### and moan about the housework I have to do, but I do it. I married my wife for a reason, so I will sacrifice some of my mascaline dignity for her. I don't think it would be different for any other woman from any country.

Now, as far as the other failed marriages mentioned here, I think it was because you really noticed these 'extra' chores that you did because of other reasons. I could speculate what those reasons where, but I think you get the idea. Anyway I am sure (or at least hope) you will be happy in your marriages, and not notice that you are still doing lots of the same things that you did when you were with your old "American wives"

[slim 1,533]

She really has no complaints about housekeeping, cooking, what have you. She appreciates it when I do the laundry, dishes, cleaning up, but this are not what she considers difficult. It really boils down to wanting to have a little elbow room. Personal space and the freedom to run her own household would give my Alla a lot of peace.

I know where she's coming from, and that's why I don't live in my dad's basement anymore!

It is fun to set up "your family" once the two of you (and kids) finally live together in "your" house. But, even if she does most of the work, and enjoys it, she'll still be sure to assign you "your" chores.

Slim, I don't know If I have related to any post in the Russian forum more then this one. However, I didn't have any other expectation after my wife started working in the US. I had no delusions about her being "Russian" and that somehow "trumped" her womenly instincts. She works and brings home a paycheck just like me.

That's where I believe my own problems came about. I did have expectations and those were definitely not played out the way I thought they were going to be. My buddy says it's like the election. "See, she made all these campaign promises, and now that she's in office, she doesn't think it's necessary to deliver anymore... she's already been elected." (He's was actually talking about his wife and referencing oral sex and various other "awesome" things she used to do while they were dating that have since ceased after marriage.)

I had the expectation that since she "enjoyed" doing the housework and "was supporting me while I was working" that she would continue to do it even once she started working. Afterall, it's a Russian woman's job to take care of the house. Man must work and take care about car and other "man jobs" etc.

To be honest though, I think it's more about reciprocity than anything else. She comes home from work, tired from cooking and cleaning at the restaurant and sees my fat @$$ on VJ sitting around doing nothing when there's work to be done. Instead of her "enjoying" doing it like she did before, it now becomes "why I must do everything when you do nothing, blat?" The current reasoning behind the recent necessity of me helping out more is that she has to do similar "work" at her job and when she comes home she's tired of doing this kind of stuff and since I do nothing, I should be helping her. So, we'll see if she goes back to "enjoying" all of the housework when she switches jobs and starts answering the phone for a living. If I were a wagering man.....

Yah, I ###### and moan about the housework I have to do, but I do it. I married my wife for a reason, so I will sacrifice some of my mascaline dignity for her. I don't think it would be different for any other woman from any country.

I differ here as well. I specifically chose a foreign bride because of the commonly held belief that they must do "woman jobs" around the house and would fill a more traditional role at home. I wanted that in a wife. If I would've wanted a woman that made me do most of the housework, I could've found plenty of them here at home. Sure, there are women here that do everything, but it's not a commonly held belief that it's still "their" job to do it. They do it because they have the freedom to do it and choose to; i.e. stay-at-home mom, housewife, part-time employment, etc. Almost every foreign woman I've known has said "woman must do woman jobs."

Now, as far as the other failed marriages mentioned here, I think it was because you really noticed these 'extra' chores that you did because of other reasons. I could speculate what those reasons where, but I think you get the idea. Anyway I am sure (or at least hope) you will be happy in your marriages, and not notice that you are still doing lots of the same things that you did when you were with your old "American wives"

Very true. You just choose to overlook what you're doing now because of something in another area. I know women here who would love to do everything for their guy. EVERYTHING. Yet they can't seem to keep a guy because even though they take care of him in one aspect, they don't take care of him in another. And if you look at failed marriages, past relationships, etc., you'll see that if one area wasn't all the way up to your liking, it was probably because other areas were as well. You hated doing the dishes because you hated seeing her sit there watching Oprah two hours before.

Now, you'll do the dishes (still hate it) but don't really mind because even though it pisses you off that you had to do the dishes, at least you'll be able to enjoy watching American Gladiators together; she hates Oprah.

For me it boiled down to this: Going the extra mile for my ex-wife provided almost nothing in return. And if I did it "wrong" then it actually turned into a net loss. Consequently I lost all incentive to do anything but the basics because it just wasn't worth the grief.

If I can find myself in a relationship where my efforts are appreciated, then hot damn. I won't even mind doing more than my so-called fair share (to a point of course). I'll keep the car running *and* wash the dishes if it means being appreciated. And if both of us have that mentality, then it pretty much turns into the relationship equivalent of a perpetual motion machine.

And by appreciated I mean sex. But then you already knew that.

Relationships, like all other things in life, are risk/reward. Too many people sugar-coat them as "finding happiness" and "being truly blessed" and other romantic garbage. Plain and simple, if you get out as much or more than what you're willing to put in, than you (and your partner too) will stay in a relationship, even a marriage.

You will do things you hate if it means getting things you really like. And when you get things you really like, looking back on the things you hate, they don't really seem all that bad. But only afterward. Not before, and certainly not during!

[Chuckles 0]

You live and you learn, I guess. I am not sure why you thought a Russian woman was going to be a domestic goddess for you, slim. If you were rich, I'm sure your wife would be fine hiring a maid and then hanging out in the house during the day, then after going out at night with your money (maybe that is what SHE thought she signed up for :) ). Since by all accounts, you are not rich, you do what you have to do, as does she.

So, if you get married again, work on that bank account first! I think that is the lesson !!!!

[Buck and Natalia 0]

The "chores" thing does not bother me too much. I did a fair amount of the chores when married and do all the chores now as a bachelor. However, I think it basically comes down to whether or not the woman is happy in her underlying relationship. Some of you have already touched on this. If a man does all or even most of the chores it will not make a fundamentally unhappy woman....... happy. Likewise, doing a lesser amount of chores will not make a fundamentally happy woman....... unhappy (although it may add to her frustration sometimes). It also comes down to managing expectations. Those expecting a housekeeper/sex slave will be disappointed when the russian woman reacts like any other normal woman. Wanna watch a train wreck of a mockumentary on this issue? Rent a movie called, "Mail Order Wife." Some find it hilarious. Others find it disturbing. A word of caution: If you are already married to your foreign bride and are experiencing problems in your relationship...... then you may not want to watch this together. If your relationship is healthy, then you both might get a good laugh out of this.

Edited January 23, 2008 by Buck and Natalia

[Jason-Sasha 1]

My Former American Wife:

Works 8 to 9 hours a day. Comes home routinely too tired to fix supper. Instead of cooking, brings home big bag of McDonald's or orders pizza. After supper sits on the coach and reads mail and then watches television. Children are expected to do most of the laundry and clean the kitchen since she worked all day.

My Russian Fiancée:

Works 9 to 10 hours a day. Comes home and fixes supper for the family, including her own parents. Has never brought home supper. (What drive-through? Even if there were, she'd never bring home this "not useful" food.) After supper will routinely go "on street" to walk or join her children in play. After they return, she puts them to bed and then does all the housework herself.

Just make sure you are not doing what your former American wife was doing. Otherwise it won't be long before your Russian wife also gets fed up with her working "double" shifts (one at home and one at work).

Also some American women on VJ might find that what you are really looking for is a housekeeper / maid / cook / child care hand. And as far as I underatand, nobody workers harder at "work" then Americans. At least those folks who have worked both in Russia and the US tend to say we work harder here. So what your former wife was doing might be justifiable if she was really tired.

I have to agree with this bit. I've seen the typical Russian work day and work ethic, and there's absolutely no comparison. A majority of Americans are now working more than one job. We eat in our cars on the way to work. Our luches are shorter (but heavier). I have seen first hand dozens of times where Europeans come to the States and comment immediately on how hard and long Americans work. Now I'm not saying that they can't handle it. They adapt very quickly and usually perform exceptionally. But for those who havent worked here before, it can be a wakeup call. Its going to take alot of support and help by the USC to get all of the day's work done. That's for sure.

[Satellite 1]

I have to agree with this bit. I've seen the typical Russian work day and work ethic, and there's absolutely no comparison. A majority of Americans are now working more than one job. We eat in our cars on the way to work. Our luches are shorter (but heavier). I have seen first hand dozens of times where Europeans come to the States and comment immediately on how hard and long Americans work. Now I'm not saying that they can't handle it. They adapt very quickly and usually perform exceptionally. But for those who haven't worked here before, it can be a wakeup call. Its going to take a lot of support and help by the USC to get all of the day's work done. That's for sure.

Thanks for pointing out my typo should have been "nobody works harder at 'work' than Americans do."

[slim 1,533]

You live and you learn, I guess. I am not sure why you thought a Russian woman was going to be a domestic goddess for you, slim. If you were rich, I'm sure your wife would be fine hiring a maid and then hanging out in the house during the day, then after going out at night with your money (maybe that is what SHE thought she signed up for :) ). Since by all accounts, you are not rich, you do what you have to do, as does she.

So, if you get married again, work on that bank account first! I think that is the lesson !!!!

I've been told several times that this is the lesson!

Although I don't believe my wife thought I was rich prior to her arrival, I don't think she thought the "extra" money for everything was going to come directly from her hard work. She's told me now that if I do want a wife that does everything (maid and sex slave) that I need to make sure I'm rich first.

The "chores" thing does not bother me too much. I did a fair amount of the chores when married and do all the chores now as a bachelor. However, I think it basically comes down to whether or not the woman is happy in her underlying relationship. Some of you have already touched on this. If a man does all or even most of the chores it will not make a fundamentally unhappy woman....... happy. Likewise, doing a lesser amount of chores will not make a fundamentally happy woman....... unhappy (although it may add to her frustration sometimes). It also comes down to managing expectations. Those expecting a housekeeper/sex slave will be disappointed when the russian woman reacts like any other normal woman. Wanna watch a train wreck of a mockumentary on this issue? Rent a movie called, "Mail Order Wife." Some find it hilarious. Others find it disturbing. A word of caution: If you are already married to your foreign bride and are experiencing problems in your relationship...... then you may not want to watch this together. If your relationship is healthy, then you both might get a good laugh out of this.

Good point.

Maybe my wife and I should watch this movie together. Give us an insight of what it could be like. And then give us a gauge of the status of our relationship. Did we laugh.... or cry?

[Buck and Natalia 0]

I *love* this movie! It's a good indie movie, hysterical at times, and like you say, sometimes disturbing. I'm actually surprised I didn't think to mention it in the movies thread. But yeah, not a good movie for international couples who are going through a tough time. Or if your woman really REALLY likes pigs.

hahaha.... yeah. I do not want to wreck this movie for others but it has some hilarious parts in it........ like the bit about pigs. I also like the scene where she is standing in the bedroom with a total look of fury in her eyes screaming, "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WANTTTTTTTTTTTT BABYYYYYYYYYYY !!!". Enough said. Rent "Mail Order Wife" if you are interested.

[Buck and Natalia 0]

You live and you learn, I guess. I am not sure why you thought a Russian woman was going to be a domestic goddess for you, slim. If you were rich, I'm sure your wife would be fine hiring a maid and then hanging out in the house during the day, then after going out at night with your money (maybe that is what SHE thought she signed up for :) ). Since by all accounts, you are not rich, you do what you have to do, as does she.

So, if you get married again, work on that bank account first! I think that is the lesson !!!!

I've been told several times that this is the lesson!

Although I don't believe my wife thought I was rich prior to her arrival, I don't think she thought the "extra" money for everything was going to come directly from her hard work. She's told me now that if I do want a wife that does everything (maid and sex slave) that I need to make sure I'm rich first.

The "chores" thing does not bother me too much. I did a fair amount of the chores when married and do all the chores now as a bachelor. However, I think it basically comes down to whether or not the woman is happy in her underlying relationship. Some of you have already touched on this. If a man does all or even most of the chores it will not make a fundamentally unhappy woman....... happy. Likewise, doing a lesser amount of chores will not make a fundamentally happy woman....... unhappy (although it may add to her frustration sometimes). It also comes down to managing expectations. Those expecting a housekeeper/sex slave will be disappointed when the russian woman reacts like any other normal woman. Wanna watch a train wreck of a mockumentary on this issue? Rent a movie called, "Mail Order Wife." Some find it hilarious. Others find it disturbing. A word of caution: If you are already married to your foreign bride and are experiencing problems in your relationship...... then you may not want to watch this together. If your relationship is healthy, then you both might get a good laugh out of this.

Good point.

Maybe my wife and I should watch this movie together. Give us an insight of what it could be like. And then give us a gauge of the status of our relationship. Did we laugh.... or cry?

OK Slim........ you can watch it with her but DO NOT forget to tell her at the outset that it is a fake documentary. If she thinks it is a real documentary (and it did fool many people)...... your honey may be giving you the "fish eye" during certain segments.

[slim 1,533]

OK Slim........ you can watch it with her but DO NOT forget to tell her at the outset that it is a fake documentary. If she thinks it is a real documentary (and it did fool many people)...... your honey may be giving you the "fish eye" during certain segments.

Or she may try to help me "sleep with the fishes" when it's over.

[Buck and Natalia 0]

Or she may try to help me "sleep with the fishes" when it's over.

Exactly B)

[Jason-Sasha 1]

I havent seen this film yet, but after all this talk about it....I feel I really must go and find it.

[Kotenochek 0]

We talked with my (back then)fiance about marriageand obviosly if you waiting for a k1 or k3 visas means she is fine with being married to you:)))

My man decided to propose to me when i was already here in the USA,even though we talked a lot about wedding and stuff when i was still in russia,He told me that he has more connections and ideas how to do it better her in the USa,so thats wher ei got my diamond ring,that i adore.even though i am not big fan of rings,but this one i adore,my man worked for it hard,thats what matters!!!

On the other hand probably its a better idea to propose to her in russia since it will be easier for her family to let her go to another country and of course by giving her nice ring her family will like you even more,whoch shows you can take care of their daughter.

I think proposing with all wedding band set is the best idea,so she can wear the big one on and off whenever she wants,but she can wear her band with little diamonds at any time:)

Moscow by the way is quite safe with that,but again not when its dark and you are pretty girl alone in metro..i would get gloves or someting to hide it:)

good luck with that!

[pianojangee 0]

Someone brought up the issue of older RW always being fat (or nearly) and I think it is true, of the RW I see there (and RW here) many do in fact get fat.

Is anyones MIL an exception?

My MIL is her 70's and she has lived in US about 7 years now. But still she is in her mid-40s shapes!!!

She ALWAYS dress up when she goes out, as typical Polish-Belarussian. She NEVER wears pants, ALWAYS wears skirts.

Last Christmas holidays, we pick her from at JFK after being her home country for 6 months, she came back sick with flue and bronchitis.

Even after almost 20 hours of flight with sickness, she was wearing skirt and all dressed, with her hair and nail done!!!

I though Korean mom are the only one on earth dressed up even to go groceery shopping. But... oh my my...

Also, my mom in her 60s, she has kept her looks like she is in her mid-30.

Regarding myself... REAL mid-30s, after having lived in US for 15 year, I look like more or less bad shaped American. (Shame on me!!!)

Edited March 22, 2008 by pianojangee