Being real about marriage!!!

[ogele 0]

Besangin:

Contrary to your assertion,my prior post was in no way directed at you.While I am not given to flattery,I have actually believed your posts to be refined,objective,and valuable for those members dispassionate enough to glean wisdom from your comments.I say so because your posts have a background,some context within which we can at least weigh your comments.There have been many other posts here without a context,except that the foreign spouses,mostly Nigerian men (please review the many previous posts) are the culprits.Really?

It is easy to demonize partners in a failed relationship,that is not my concern here,but it is also important to be honest about the risks we also take by meeting someone on the internet.It is high risk,ladies and gentlemen.But who is to say that dreams don’t come true in mysterious ways?My point is,by embarking upon this journey,you shoulder double the obstacles and efforts than many couples of the same culture do.I am not going to do you a disservice by claiming it will be easy.I am engaged to a fellow Nigerian whom I have known from childhood,one who speaks not just my language but my dialect,and I can tell you,it aint been a tea party.

Here is a summary of my argument using an anecdote:dating online is equivalent to lending to a very very very very not so credit worthy borrower.However,in the midst of these scammers are a few decent fellows.Desirous to leave their home countries?Yes!Capable of actually falling in love with their foreign spouses?ABSOLUTELY!The risk you bear is in taking the chance of which “borrower” lands in your net,and what you do after that.I am sorry if I speak in parables,but this is how we African men put our truth out for consumption.The truth is,I want all of you with genuinely good hearts and intentions to find true happiness.No decent human deserves any less.Stay focused,enjoy the moment and yes, TRUST.

Finally,just like Besangin and others have noted,do not invest more than you are willing to lose in your relationship.But do not hold back that which is reasonable to make your dreams come true.Sorry,I have no formula here, as you alone can do that delicate balancing.I think that if many other African men would be willing to post here,the benefits would be immeasurable.Goodluck to each and everyone of you on their various journeys.

[BESANGIN 0]

Ogele,

I do appreciate you clearing that up for me, and I honestly believe that there are and have been some who posted on different threads that was a direct bashing of Nigerian men. I haven't and won't, because I have seen the ones who have fought and held together their families as hard as the USC. So I in no way believe that all Nigerian men or women are bad and out to scam. Bad comes in all shapes, colors, and nationalities. And a lot of what you said in your post struck home with me too. I wish I had found this site before I flew my A$$ over to marry my EX. If I had no way in hell would I have married him. SO I now just pray that my mifortune will be someone elses fortune.

But on a lighter note, I want to ask, how many women cook here? I have had many ladies tell me that their mates had fits and would not eat their cooking. Intersting, I did learn how to make dishes for my EX but he liked my American cooking, and never turned down anything I made, well except pancakes. He said they were too sweet and made him fat. But the cakes and pies and cobblers didn't because it had fruit in it!! OLODO!!! Of course I can cook my BUTT OFF!!!! After all I didn't get this big for nothin'! Anyway He gained nearly 40lbs after he got here. He lost a lot after the trouble started then when he was on his own he really lost it, but having to resort to fast food he gained it back again He told me before he left that he was going to miss my cooking. I won't say what else he said he was going to miss.

So what is your specialty?

[Ta Ta 1]

Ose n me thank you for your great post.

Taurean, the suggestions to have a same sex confidante from your husbands culture to gain insight into his thoughts and ways is worth gold.

I have mine lined up here and will ring your phone some day soon....

Ogele, I can't tell you enough how deeply I appreciate your wise words, written with such exquisite style, class and integrity.

How wonderful to have an African man speak from his perspective. Keep it coming ! I want to know more. I want to know everything I can

to become the wife to create a sparkle in his eyes and be the queen of his heart.

I have really enjoyed this thread immensely. African men, please post if you are reading and don't be shy, we welcome your advice.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Lemme ask a question here....

Does everyone's fiance/spouses know about this (VJ) website, and are they reading all these posts?

Cuz my husband goes on here everyday and is chomping at the bit to defend himself not only as a Nigerian, but as a man! Although he admits Naija has a bad rep for scammers, both green card seekers, and otherwise (identity theft,credit card,email fraud etc.) he still strongly argues that it is character and not culture that makes these men behave badly. He estimates that only about 3 African men out of 10,000 is NOT involved in some kind of fraud or scam at sometime in their life! He says those without integrity, morals, profound thought, and a strong faith in God are the ones who lie, cheat and deceive. And these kind of people exist everywhere in the world. These are things taught (or not taught) and/or instilled from family as children, and then as we go thru life as adults these values are tested. Many of us fail, but many of us persevere and become well-adjusted, loving human beings.

We both believe that ones culture, whether lavish or poverty-stricken, CAN affect the development of ones character, but in the end it is only the weak and ignorant who CHOOSE to turn away from God and live a life of sin.

Just like we have people here in the US who are ruthless, materialistic, selfish, greedy and dishonest...so does Nigeria and every other country. It's just that here it is in our face everyday, and even considered acceptable in many ways. We have gangs, drug-dealers, criminals, and low-lifes here who are in many ways doing the same thing that the scammers are doing...trying to feed and clothe their families, or "come up" or make easy money, in a poverty-stricken society. Not saying its right, or just, in any culture to do this...but its happening everywhere in the world.

I think that the reason these "romance" scammers affect us women so much is because we have developed into strong, confident and self-supporting women over the years. We have careers, homes and our own money. But we are still emotional beings. We still love hard and wear our hearts on our sleeve. So to be taken for a ride both financially and emotionally is a tough cross to bear. We want to blame it on everything and everyone but ourselves most of the time. I bet that 9 out of 10 times there were "red flags" popping up left and right with our men (foreign or american) but either we chose not to see them, we were in denial that they were happening, or we explained them away. And really that is what women do. We naturally love unconditionally, as nurturers.

What we have to do is learn from each mistake we make, and use the experience to never make that mistake again. Each time we get stronger and stronger, and soon...with time, maturity, and life expereince we figure out who we are, what we want, and that we deserve to be happy. And with God as our guide we can survive anything that comes our way with faith and prayer.

None of us should feel ashamed or feel as if we failed if our marriage turns out to not be what we had thought or hoped. The experience was the path that God had choosen for us at that moment in time. All paths lead to enlightenment. Everything we experience and every choice we make is for a purpose in God's eye. Its his plan for us. As long as u are living a life of integrity, kindness and love, God will see u thru.

I wish all of us a happy, healthy, and wonderful journey with our husbands. I hope we can always come here to VJ for encouragement and support no matter how each of our journeys end.

GOD BLESS EVERYONE AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Well said! His opinion is very important to me. I really do not think this thread is about Nigerian men specifically. Unless i missed a post. I know that many of us women are from the African sub Sahara portal. I also know that I have mentioned a few situations I know about or experience with Nigerian men, but i could also pick out a dozen or so with American men. Definitely a quality and character thing. I have some wonderful friends from Nigeria. My son's God father is Nigerian, he fixed me up with my husband who is a pastor. My husband's brother is a sucessfull god fearing buisness living in AZ.

Thank you again for sharing.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

So what is your specialty?

I cook american food, west indian food and spanish food. I love spanish food so I cook that the most. I'll probably cook more west indian food when Bassi is here cause it's close to african food in terms of ingredients and heat. But the reality is I'll be cooking more cause I'll cook for him and my daughter separately. Bassi loves spicy food. I had some fufu and lamb stew and thought I was dying. Tears running down my face, choking and coughing, I couldn't breathe. Lordy! That food was tooooo spicy for me. Reminds me of my mother's jerk....he's gonna love her cooking! He'll abide by my cooking and I'll have to make some pepper sauce for him. Hey, any of my west indian sisters got a good recipe for pepper sauce. When I'm in Ghana his friends make fun of him and say he always has a belly by the time I leave. Food is love, right?

[BESANGIN 0]

So what is your specialty?

I cook american food, west indian food and spanish food. I love spanish food so I cook that the most. I'll probably cook more west indian food when Bassi is here cause it's close to african food in terms of ingredients and heat. But the reality is I'll be cooking more cause I'll cook for him and my daughter separately. Bassi loves spicy food. I had some fufu and lamb stew and thought I was dying. Tears running down my face, choking and coughing, I couldn't breathe. Lordy! That food was tooooo spicy for me. Reminds me of my mother's jerk....he's gonna love her cooking! He'll abide by my cooking and I'll have to make some pepper sauce for him. Hey, any of my west indian sisters got a good recipe for pepper sauce. When I'm in Ghana his friends make fun of him and say he always has a belly by the time I leave. Food is love, right?

Dangggggggggggggg Zainab,

Hook me up with some of those West Indian recipes!!!!! Although I'm single now, I don't plan to stay that way!

[blah0323 0]

So what is your specialty?

I cook american food, west indian food and spanish food. I love spanish food so I cook that the most. I'll probably cook more west indian food when Bassi is here cause it's close to african food in terms of ingredients and heat. But the reality is I'll be cooking more cause I'll cook for him and my daughter separately. Bassi loves spicy food. I had some fufu and lamb stew and thought I was dying. Tears running down my face, choking and coughing, I couldn't breathe. Lordy! That food was tooooo spicy for me. Reminds me of my mother's jerk....he's gonna love her cooking! He'll abide by my cooking and I'll have to make some pepper sauce for him. Hey, any of my west indian sisters got a good recipe for pepper sauce. When I'm in Ghana his friends make fun of him and say he always has a belly by the time I leave. Food is love, right?

Dangggggggggggggg Zainab,

Hook me up with some of those West Indian recipes!!!!! Although I'm single now, I don't plan to stay that way!

Do share those recipes! I can cook all american food and have been testing African recipes, but ny hubby will just cook his dishes most of the time.

[Zee Bee 61]

So what is your specialty?

I grew up with friends from all over the world so I can cook Indian, Arab, American, South African, Mexican, Italian and Ghanaian food. My absolute fave is Ghanaian food though My sister just came to visit me this past weekend and I cooked up a storm so she took some food back home with her (she does not like to cook ).

[BESANGIN 0]

So what is your specialty?

I grew up with friends from all over the world so I can cook Indian, Arab, American, South African, Mexican, Italian and Ghanaian food. My absolute fave is Ghanaian food though My sister just came to visit me this past weekend and I cooked up a storm so she took some food back home with her (she does not like to cook ).

Sounds like you got mad skills like the Iron Chefs, Girl!!!! You can send your recipes my way too. I made a seven up cake yesterday that is like... WHOA!!!! Peach cobbler like WHOA, now I'm in trouble because they won't stop calling my name while I'm trying to watch the new TV!!!!! The sacrifices one must make!!! Wait a minute, I'm commin'!!!!!

[blah0323 0]

So what is your specialty?

I grew up with friends from all over the world so I can cook Indian, Arab, American, South African, Mexican, Italian and Ghanaian food. My absolute fave is Ghanaian food though My sister just came to visit me this past weekend and I cooked up a storm so she took some food back home with her (she does not like to cook ).

Sounds like you got mad skills like the Iron Chefs, Girl!!!! You can send your recipes my way too. I made a seven up cake yesterday that is like... WHOA!!!! Peach cobbler like WHOA, now I'm in trouble because they won't stop calling my name while I'm trying to watch the new TV!!!!! The sacrifices one must make!!! Wait a minute, I'm commin'!!!!!

[Queen Jenn 0]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

Yup, you had me laughin, too. Especially about the toilet seat and when he done pee'd on it. ROFL!!!

I can't say about the DING DING yet, 'cause we believe in waiting until we're married and we're going the K-1 route (but I hope it's true )

[Mark&Jo 0]

. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist.

What is Lexapro?

A powerful drug for depression and anxiety

[Mark&Jo 0]

. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist.

What is Lexapro?

A powerful drug for depression and anxiety

[BESANGIN 0]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

Yup, you had me laughin, too. Especially about the toilet seat and when he done pee'd on it. ROFL!!!

I can't say about the DING DING yet, 'cause we believe in waiting until we're married and we're going the K-1 route (but I hope it's true )

Well Queen Jenn,

There was one former VJer I know that said she may have gotten the one who broke the stereotype! Not just winkie, but TEENY WINKIE!!!! I sure hope that yours keeps the stereotype going for your sake. I think that my EX's Ding Ding and Iced Tea sure made things bearable for a while!

[Queen Jenn 0]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

Yup, you had me laughin, too. Especially about the toilet seat and when he done pee'd on it. ROFL!!!

I can't say about the DING DING yet, 'cause we believe in waiting until we're married and we're going the K-1 route (but I hope it's true )

Well Queen Jenn,

There was one former VJer I know that said she may have gotten the one who broke the stereotype! Not just winkie, but TEENY WINKIE!!!! I sure hope that yours keeps the stereotype going for your sake. I think that my EX's Ding Ding and Iced Tea sure made things bearable for a while!

Hmmm, I guess all stereotypes have to be broken at some time.